Behavior - Emmalena, KY

You should really make him start doing a few things around the house. It sounds like he may have become accustomed to having everything done for him and has learned no responsibility. It will also prepare him for when he is an adult and you are not there to clean up after him.

A., just a suggestion - maybe stop giving him everything he wants & start making him do chores. "Reward" the chores done w/ an allowance & give consequences that are age appropriate & let the 'punishment fit the crime' so to speak. Take things away such as games & privileges. Hope that is helpful! We only have one shot w/ these kids - so hang in there! :)

Hi A., I don't think you need to be super mom for your kids. They really are old enough to do for themselves. As long as you keep healthy snacks and meals at home, they should be able to feed themselves. Maybe give him some chores around the house. I remember when I was fourteen, my parents had a list of things for me and my brother and sister to do and it had to get done before any of us got to do anything else. I hated doing the dishes but I wanted to go to a friends house. So I had to do the dishes or sit in my room. The three of us had to share the chores so if one was not doing their share, I got on them and they got onto me for not helping.

Another thing is maybe you could quit one of your jobs to spend more time with them. I work from home and it really helps for me to be available for my 2 boys. I hope this helps.

A.,

I tend to agree with the others who have suggested that you give your son a few responsibilities around the house. It sounds from your profile description that he is not used to having to be accountable for anything. Does he get an allowance? If so, it may be helpful to associate the chores with the amount of allowance he gets. 14 is a tough age...good luck.

I don't want to sound harsh, but doing everything for your kids will only reinforce a entitlement mentality. You MUST give them responsibilities and teach them to stand on their own two feet or you will be doing them a great disservice(not to mention a disservice to yourself, who will get tired of doling out rent money in the future when they should have jobs but don't). Unfortunatley, our kids have to not like us sometimes in order to learn the lessons that life has. It's hard, but in the end they will be happier if you aren't catering to their every whim. I know this because of how my parents raised me. At times I thought they were being unfair, but in hindsight they were just looking out for my long term best interests. I am so glad they did. Hope this helps.
-K.

I personally don't know how this feels yet, but we should all remember being 14 yrs old. Don't do everything yourself A.. He is old enough to help out around the house. They are taking advantage of you. Give them chores, teach them how to cook, do laundry, etc. I agree with another mom that replied, go on strike. when they have to do something themselves then they will learn to appreciate you and all that you do for them. Good luck hun and don't let them walk over you. YOU matter as a person and you DESERVE their respect as their mom.

Hi, A. I am sorry to hear that your having some trouble but there is help and it does not cost a thing. Pray as a family, pray by yourself. The lord is here for us we just have to ask. He also blessed us with common sense as well. I would suggest that you definately give him some responsibility give him some chores there is nothing wrong with your children helping. Kids love structure and responsibility. It might be hard at first because they are so accustomed to you doing everything. It will help him gain pride and respect for himself knowing that he did that on his own. And how you do everything I do not know. I find that amazing I am surprised you were able to find time to ask for some advice. I think you are a super mom but you would probably be a better person and mom if you let your kids help you with chores. I will keep you in my prayers and best of luck to you and your family.

I am sorry to say but that is just normal teenage behavior. No matter what kind of family they come from there is just this jolt of anger that goes through them at this age. I did it and now my younger sister. Just make sure you do not give up on them and just continue being there for him. :-)

A.,
It sounds like you are a great mom with a huge heart. My nephew is 14 years old and seems to have the same issues. I am a new mother and so I cannot give you advice from the same perspective. However I think I might be able to help a bit. You mentioned that you don't have your children do chores. I personally think that is a huge mistake. I think that regular chores give children a work ethic that benefits them in the furture and many other triats that will be expected of them as they get older. Children need to be held repsonsible for their actions and they are part of a family and need to act as a team always.
I am sure that it is hard for you to work two jobs to help support your family. I am sure that the time away from your children may make you feel like you need to make it up to them in other ways "no chores" and "giving them basically everything they want". I know a lot of parents that make this mistake.
I guess what I am trying to say is hold your children responsible for being part of the family. Make them appreciate what you give them by asking them to work for it and if possible make more time for them. That is what your teenager most likely needs more of.
Your teenager needs to learn respect for you and himself. He needs to learn that life is a gift not to be taken for granted. He needs to be held accountable for his actions and be rewarded only for those that are truly deserving. This will make him appreciate how hard you work to give him a good life and hopefully shed some light on his rold in this world we live in.
Remember you get respect when you demand it. That should not change even for your children. Sometimes tough love is truly the best path.
I hope this helps you, help your son. Teenagers are hard and even if he is difficult now he will eventually be appreciative. Even if it takes him becoming a father himself to realize how much a mother or parent must sacrafice to be a good parent.
Hang in there. Parenting truly is the least appreciated job in the world but oddly the MOST important.
E.

Stop doing everything for them! If they want clean clothes, they can wash it. If they want a clean house, they can pitch in. If they want the newest fad, they can babysit or mow lawns to earn it. 14 years old is old enough to learn to become self sustaining. If they don't learn now, when they hit the real world they will be unprepared. They will not have the tools to become contributing members of society. I was a resident assistant when i went to college and it amazed me how many 18 year old adults were lacking in survival knowledge. I would get questions like,"So, where do we put the laundry to have it done?", "I need to give the person who cooks the list of things I will eat.", "I am going to tell my mother/father/whomever that you expect ME to clean my room!" I tell my 7 month old son all the time now, "Mommy will help you, but she will not do it for you." As he gets it older, it will be,"Mommy will not help you when you can help yourself." Harsh? Maybe. But those 2 years as a resident assistant seeing those spoiled, aimless, self centered children in adult's bodies made me realize that I do not want to raise a child like that. Your child will not learn to appreciate all you do unless he realizes how hard it is for you. I know you want the best for your child, all mothers do. But sometimes the best for your child is to let them fall a few times. It teaches them to watch where they are going and may save them from really hurting themselves or those around them, like you.

A.,
I'd start by trying to find out what is going on in school. It sounds like he has officially become a teenager (oh Horrors), but it also sounds like he is pushing the limits to see what he can get away with.
I agree with some of the other advice given as well, it's time he learned to do chores, stop doing everything for him! Your future daughter-inlaw will thank you for training him to help out around the house.
In this case I would suggest let the punishment(chores) fit the crime (bad behavior) I would start with bathroom duty, it is after all the worst place to clean in the house. Whenever he starts behaving badly, hand him a cleaning bucket with supplies to clean the bathroom and tell him to let you know when he's done so you can inspect, let him know its not finished until it is done to your satisfaction.
I would also let him know that his behavior will not be tolerated.
Any extra funds that are given should also be removed with bad behavior. I know of one parent who fined her children for bad behavior, they had to pay her every time they disrespected their parents or anyone else.
Let him know that if he wants to act like he knows everything he needs to contribute.
I hope it gets better.

Hey A.

I feel your pain girl! I have a 15 year old son and sometimes I get that same type of reaction from him. You know what I do? GO ON STRIKE!!! hehehe. Seriously...when it's dinner time and the food isn't cooked...or when they look for that favorite shirt and the laundry isn't done...then your baby will come RUNNING back to you!!!

Good luck and God bless
B.

Oh and the more you let him see that his attitude affects you in that way....the more he will show it. He is a typical teenager....my favorite saying these days....
"Raising teenagers is like nailing jell-o to a tree" :)

Dear A.,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a really tough situation. A couple of things go through my mind, though.

How's his relationship with his father? This may sound goofy but bear with me -- I find boys need an "alpha male" to teach them, train them, and yes, to lovingly but firmly "boss" them when they are young.

Another thing you mentioned is that your son does no chores around the house. There is much, much value in learning to work! When we learn to work, we learn to appreciate. If I could suggest anything, it would be to make him 'earn' priviledges and freedoms, and when we fails to clean his room, mow the grass, take out the garbage, or dishonores his elders, he doesn't earn the freedom to go to ball games, get on the internet etc.

HTH!

Hi A., I have a 14 year old son, and he used to try and push my buttons, boy did he! I do all I can for my children also, BUT he has to give a little also. They get allowance twice a month , just like I get paid at my job. If they did not do enough in that 2 week period their allowance is cut by half. He understands this and abides by it. He plays football and baseball for the school he attends, but he knows that if grades, attitude or chores start slipping ball is put on hold. So far I have never had to do that. I know teenagers are different now days, but you are still the parent and he needs to respect you. I by no means am a perfect parents, but both my boys address me and anyone else with respect and manners. It took a little time and a whole lot of patience but I was not going to let my children think I was the maid, taxi and the bank. I think you should do like everyone else stated, quit catering to him and make him be responsible. If my husband or I have to work late my son does not think twice about what's for dinner he takes initiative and fixes something for himself and his 12 year old brother. I have also taught my 12 year old how to wash clothes , he likes to change clothes all the time , or put clean clothes back in the hamper because it is easier than opening a drawer, so I told him I will do the regular wash like I have always done, anything extra he has to do. He also washes his own towels because he leaves them in his room until there is a mountain of them . Good luck!

L.

Hi A.: I know you mean well when you try to "do everything" for your kids, but maybe that is the problem. I think it is very important to discipline and stick with it. It may be hard at first but kids do respect you when you stand up to them. They should have chores around the house. Not only will it teach them to have better work ethics but it will teach them that YOU are the mom...they don't thank you because they don't have to thank you. If you discipline your son you should stick with it no matter what and he should have some responsibilities around the house also. If you stick with your discipline he will no that you are not just threatening him next time you warn him. This is not something that is going to give you instant gratification but eventually he will learn that you are Mom and not just his friend. In the long run he will appreciate you ALOT more! Hope this helps...you deserve to be respected as a parent...being a working mom is not easy...Good Luck!

Well, thats part of the problem. You are doing everything. Your kids need to work. They need to help at home. They need to work to be able to respect themselves and others. The transition may be tough if they are not used to helping out, so hang in there. Some churches offer a program called "Growing Kids God's Way", and "Reaching the Heart of Your Teen" by Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo. You can Probably get information about them online. You may want to check it out, it can help. Remember, Kids are people and need to know the "why" behind things to help them learn and change for the better. And of course through it all remind them they are loved.

K.

A.,

You're 14 year old is treating you this way because you have taught him this. By giving him everything you can and asking nothing of him while you work two jobs and stress out trying to do everything yourself, you have taught him that he is entitled to this and your job is to make him happy. Although we see our children as our little angels they will act just like adults when you give and give and give to them without expecting anything. They will become selfish and self-centered. Even though we all wish we could get out of chores and housework, it does give you a sense of satisfaction when you have accomplished the task. You are cheating your kids out of this feeling of self accomplishment. You are losing chances to teach them responsiblity. Although it is a great feeling when you can just love, coddle and spoil your children, there is much more that they need from us. We have a duty and obligation to teach and train them so that when the time comes they are ready to be strong, independent, confident individuals ready to face what's out there in the world without mom. They need to know that they are only a part of a big world that was not made only for them.

I hope I have not been too blunt with you, but I felt that you needed to hear this.

Good luck

B.

Stop doing every thing for your kids! Not only is it leading to this attitude they have, but it is not giving them valuable life skills. You are the adult, and until he is 18, things are not on his terms. He might be given consideration if he is a helpful, genial child, but he will not be until you establish control. Take away everything that gives him control- and slowly let him gain back his priveledges. I work with children, and while this might seem like a tough line to take, it may be the only way to get your child back. Understand though, that he will never be your "baby" again- he can't fill that role, and really, you wouldn't him to be absorbed in you. He is a teenager, and testing boundaries is part of his job. But, he still has to respect you.