Behavioral Problems with My Stepson. HELP!

I doubt that the fact he is a step son is the reason that he is hitting, etc all of the time. If this behavior came out only after contact with her it would probably be related.

Without knowing how you are teaching and disciplining him I don't know how to answer your question except to say that a baby/toddler has to be taught how to behave appropriately in a calm and consistent manner. He is behaving this way because he doesn't know how to behave any differently. He is NOT doing this to get on your nerves.

You do the same things that you would do if you weren't a step-mother. Unless you keep telling him you're his step-mother he doesn't know that you are any different than you would be as his mother. I wonder if you feel less entitled to parent him because you are a step-mother?

Have you and your husband, his father, decided on a way to teach and discipline? Have you read any information on ways to parent. I suggest that is the way to start. Do you know the developmental milestones of babies/toddlers so that you know what you can expect from your son? Do you have a daily routine that includes regular meals, snacks, naps, and bedtimes that he can predict to happen at close to the same time everyday? Would your home be calm and life predictable without your son's presence?

I think that once you have an understanding of what to expect from a two year old and some skills to direct his behavior you'll find that he will behave better. Even tho you are a step-mother it is up to you to teach him how to act. First you accept that he's just a little guy and love him as he is. You show him lots of love, praise him when he's being good, spend time playing with him and expect that he will misbehave and that this is OK. He's not being bad. He's letting you know he needs to learn something else.

I suggest that he's hitting, biting, scratching, slapping etc because he lacks boundaries and is angry at the chaos you describe. He doesn't know how to change it. I'm glad that you've asked how to do that. He cannot put you in time out. He cannot create continued chaos. You are in charge.

I suggest that you do some reading about parenting, child development, and discipline. I recommend Love and Logic for Toddlers and 1,2,3 Magic. I also urge you to take a parenting class. Many hospitals and community colleges give them. I sympathize with you. Your post sounds like you're at a total loss as to what to do.

If you would give some description of specific types of incidences I could give you ideas about how to handle them. Your post, tho sounds like there isn't an easy place from which to start. I feel overwhelmed in my effort to respond and wish I had more information.

Hi Step Mama-

Not knowing the full background, I would say the child is crying out for love, but is scared about asking for it. When birthmom leaves a small child like it sounds like his did, is traumatic for kids.

Eric Erikson was a brilliant psychologist who said between 0 & about 12 months kids learn whether they can trust or mistrust the adults in their life, and then whether they can trust or mistrust adults later. If babies do not pass through this stage, they will have trouble bonding later.

Now, I recommend you try to bond with your stepson, (I'm sure you have in the past).

While in school to become a parent coach, I was introduced to 2 books:

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo
Parenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay

I would recommend either for your situation. Especially Connetion Parenting. I do not recommend this book often, execpt where kids need to learn to bond again.

I believe that more punishment will result in more anger from your stepson. Try showering him with love, even when he is unloveable. One of my favorite phrases is "I love you too much to fight".

I feel for you. I experienced a similary situation when I was a Nanny, and I can tell you this will help.

R. Magby

Try telling him what to do instead of what not to do. At his age, he is not able to think like you do, developmentally, he is just not there yet, and you are placeing a lot of weight on what he is trying to do to you, which is just not the case at age 2. While he may have that effect on you, he can niether intend, nor know how to drive you crazy!

At his developmental stage, he can't follow as many steps as you can as an adult. Think about the command "stop hitting!' How many steps is that? First, he really does have to think of the word and connect what he is doing to hitting, he has just aquired these kinds of skills and is practicing associating language with actions (don't you still practice all the time, like what does a cow say? Same thing...) Then, he has to stop hitting at the moment, which means that he has to muster control of his body and his mind and impose excecutive function that he does not yet have. Then, he needs to assess "hitting" and decide what you would like him to do instead, since he is mad, he needs to say "self, you are angry, and she said don't hit, hitting is taking my hand and thrusting it at another person, so I just stopped doing that, but I am still angry, so I will stomp my feet instead, because that is not hurting any one and that would be acceptable to an adult..." That is not going to happen at age 2.

Try this. Instead of "no hit, stop hitting or don't hit" say, "stomp your feet, put your hands in your pockets, or hands down." That, he can do because it is an active command that he does not need to process and make adult judgements about and needs no explaination from you. If he does not comply, swoop him up, put him in time out (or what ever dicipline you use) and then you have a very specific reason for having doen what you did. She said put my hands down. I did not put my hands down. I am sitting in my room. Next time, I will put my hands down and get a hug instead. That is how 2 year olds think.

If he does not respond well to very direct diciplinary techniques, and you are 100% consistent, then consider an evaluation for him. Developmental issues can first show themselves as typical behavior problems gone way too far, and if you are truly not having success with good dicipline, maybe he has some issues that keep him from processing the information you are giving him, and in that case, his behavior could be telling you that he needs intervention to understand what you are tying to teach him.

Since you have been with him since he was 6 months old, I would think you are the mother figure in his life and if it were me, I would just be the mother figure if the birth mom is not in his life every day like you are. He needs you, and none of us get to choose in motherhood if the kids we get are easy or difficult (and difficult kids even get on their birth mother's nerves!) What you can do as a step mother is what all of us do as mothers, because essntially, that is what you are! Love him, be consistent with him, think like a 2 year old, and get him help if that is what he needs.

Good luck Mom,
M.

First sit down and together decide on expectations. At his age they aren't able to fully appreciate what they do hurts, but I would suggest you try maintaining your calm and simply saying "ow that hurst. I don't like being hurt . I expect you to use your words when you are mad. If you don't use your words you need to sit in time out for 2 minutes(longer than that is ineffective and research shows time out should be for as many minutes as the child is old) You might want to consider social stories too. At this age is a good time to begin helping him learn to use words to deal with anger and frustration

First, know that this has nothing to do with his mother. Welcome to the terrible twos. Some kids are worse than others, but you have arrived at one of the most critical and difficult ages. How you handle this age will affect this young boy for many years to come.

If the mother is rarely around or involved, you are the mother in his world. Children don't understand "step mother", so don't hide behind that shield. Step up to the plate or run, it's up to you. If you need specific advice for each behavior check out a few books from the library on parenting. Find a plan or style that you can work with and try it for awhile. Every child is different and what works on one doesn't always work on another. If you aren't seeing some results in a couple of weeks, try a different plan. Results don't mean it will all go away, results means the behavior is lessening and becoming more managable.

Two year olds are just discovering they are a seperate entity with power and decisions all their own. What they lack is self control and the ability to make reasonable choices. They cannot think "if I do this, that will happen" this is the age they begin learning.

Also know that children will get your attention good or bad, one way or another. If you want more positive behavior, he needs plenty of positive attention. As he becomes more comfortable with being loved and feels more secure, he will not push quite as hard. He will test limits in varying levels for the next 15-20 years. If you aren't up for the job I hope you will bow out now before you do any damage.

It sounds like 'terrible twos' to me and the less you do to stop him, the more he'll keep doing it. Kids need and thrive on structure, discipline and schedules. This is nothing some discipline won't take care of with time. He hits 1 time, gets a warning. He does it again-time out for 2 mins (1 min per age). If after time out he he hits again, same thing, 1 warning then time out. Same for bitting, kicking, slapping, etc. Any behavior he does that you want him to stop doing. When his time is up, you need to talk to him (or whom ever put him in time out) and say it isn't nice to ___________ (fill in the blank). It hurts mommy, daddy, sister, etc when you do that. If you do it again, you'll go to time out for it. Do not start the time out if he is throwing a fit either and pick a spot on the floor, a chair or some place where he doesn't have access to toys or could hurt himself. It will be hard at first cause he sounds like a strong willed child but if you stick to your guns, he'll stop doing the bad stuff.

A good book to read is 1 2 3 magic. I use some of the ideas for my kids as a guide line.

Good luck
S.

First tell me what are his good qualities.

It can be easy to be overwhelmed with our children whether they are biological or not.

You can not logic with a child this age. You have to be the logical adult and keep an even loving calm demeanor. show the child self control and love him through it. Redirecting is most apporpriate at this age.

Baby, we don't throw the toy, we pick it up like this and set it down where it belongs like this. and actually show him. lead by example and train him to be the best man he can be. and lots of hugs and kissies!

Is it possible that the Mother abused him before you got him? Also is she seeing him alone? A small child like that can be quickly influinced by others. She may be telling him to do all these mean things to you and telling him your the reason he is not with you. Two year olds understand a lot more than people think. I feel bad for him honestly. It's hard for a child to have two Mom's in the picture. Are there other children, animals at your home? This could make a difference also. The best thing to do when he is being bad is have a time out spot to put him in and do not let him get away with it. But also sit down and talk to him. Tell him you like it when he is good and reward him when he does have good moments. Try reading to him, playing games, singing, dancing, etc..This may his way of getting attention from you. I wish you luck!

My first piece of advise is to stop referring to yourself as the step mother. It sounds as if the child lives with you and the father, therefore YOU are the mother. You need to sit down with your husband/partner and discuss your role as mother and how both of you plan to react and discipline this child.

I am in the same situation. My husband has custody of his 2-year-old daughter. We have had her since just before she turned 2. I am her Mommy. I am the one who takes her out, buys her clothes, feeds her, comforts her. Her bio mother is just the woman who carried her and plays no part in her daily life. If you continue to view yourself as the outsider in his life, you will always be the outsider.

As far as advice on his behavior: He is 2. This is normal. Do what you can to redirect him. You need to correct him now or he will be a nightmare in school. I know most people will disagree with this, but if he's hitting, swat his hand. If he's biting, bite him back. It took biting my 2-year-old back to get her to understand that it hurts and it is not nice. Also, TODDLERS are naturally destructive. It's not boys vs girls. It's the age.

Good luck.

They are very aptly called The Terrible Two's. It seems like every aspect of dissobedience will be tried. Most of them are addressed individually. Hitting and slapping are dealt by holding the hands and saying a firm NO! Most of the time same goes with biting.
He is weighting what and how long you tolerate this behaviour. Get ready to be VERY patient. Good Luck