Best, Polite Way to Ask Another Parent.....

We had a friend whose house was the hangout house. They did a flag system... They had a big green ribbon a red one. If the kids could play, Green ribbon was on the window. If they didn't want anyone knocking on their door, red ribbon. Maybe you could do something similar? That way, you aren't having to constantly reply to texts or phone calls, and you don't even have to contact the parents of all the kids. Just start hanging the ribbon, and next time they come over explain the system to them. Then just become really strict about enforcing it.

It also works as a chore incentive/disciplinary tool. Kid can't put up the green ribbon and play until after chores/homework is done... Bad behavior means the red ribbon goes up and they can't go out with their friends.

The system Marie describes is great, so long as the kids keep to it.

If not, you could have the conversation I recently had with a neighbor: "We'd love it if you could call us before coming over. It's hard for the kids to have an invitation right in front of them and then not be able to play." This, by the way, went over very well-- parents can usually hear it when it's presented in a sympathetic light. Most parents can understand and empathize. (at least, the considerate ones, right? :)

Kids playing in the neighborhood has gotten to be such a huge thing anymore. Parents hate when neighborhood kids don't schedule a play date and randomly knock on the door. Geez! In my day, we never heard of a play date. Our stay-at-home moms KICKED US OUT OF THE HOUSE in the morning and we were EXPECTED to play outside! Imagine that! And a whole generation of us survived! AND our moms survived as well!

They knock and you either say yes or no and then close the door. How is it so hard to say no to CHILDREN? I just don't get it. If your kids start whining about it send them to their rooms (I never could stand whining.) Either that, or teach them how to play outside safely on their own for a bit, like most of us did as kids.

Do I live in the only neighborhood where kids can knock, my kids ask, I say no, and moving on? My kids don't whine, never had, you want to whine that is a great way to get a long string of no.

Sorry but I am one of those moms that is sick and tired of other parents wanting everyone else to parent for them. I don't want to teach my kids no means no, end of discussion so I prefer you don't put me in a position to say no.

Same thing, different scenario, I let my kids have a snack at my kids sporting events. I get yelled at because now the other parents have to get their kids snacks! or you could say no to your kids?

So my answer is tell your kids if your friends come by and I can't go out with you the answer will be no. If you complain we won't be going out at all.

Well I am one of those bad moms that let my kids run from house to house all day. The days I said no or they were grounded, yeah, of course the kids knocked all day long. Be happy your kids have friends.

I would so LOVE to live in a neighborhood where the kids were close enough together to just walk over and ring the doorbell. If your kids can't play, just say so. It doesn't seem hard. It also seems very unfriendly to want to 'nip this in the bud'. These might become your kids' lifelong friends. I think you should bake some brownies or pick up some lattes, walk over to the house and introduce yourself. Invite them ALL over - her to chat, kids to play.

ETA - Time have changed. It is safer for kids today than it was when I grew up in the 70s. When we ran down the block and knocked on doors to find if our friends could come out and play.

Yes, you're right; times have changed.

How have they changed? Not for the worse, actually. The world is actually a safer place than it was when we were kids. Crime rates have steadily dropped over the past 35 years.

Let your kids play outside. They have a better chance of being struck by lightning than of being kidnapped. I hope they're wearing rubber boots when y'all leave the house.

For the doorbell ringing issue, I like the ribbon/flag idea. That's smart! :-)

the ribbon idea is genius!
but if not, i'm really with the majority. i think 'playing' has become SOOOOO rigid and formulaic and parentally-controlled. it's hard for me to imagine having to call or text other parents each time my boys wanted to go out and play, and i'm glad i parented before texting became ubiquitous and i'd have been interrupted over and over again by other parents.
you can't expect kids to remember your specific rules every time, vis-a-vis you making it clear that they can only come over when they see you outside. over time they'll probably get it, but in the meantime, yes, you need to open the door and say pleasantly 'not a good time!' and when you can, 'jamie and alex will be able to come out and play at 3. come back then.'
you won't come off as being offensive if you're NOT being offensive. kids are very resilient. they won't resent YOU for saying no, so don't resent them for asking.
if your kids get all riled up, this is a great opportunity to work with 'em. but it's not the neighborhood's job to keep your kids from whining.
you are so lucky, as we were, to live in a neighborhood like this. enjoy it!
khairete
S.

I am with you on not letting the kids outside to play alone, we are doing it a little more now, but in general, we are outside within 5-10 minutes of them being out. My kids are 7, 9, and 11...so don't feel bad. And I don't much care if people think that's crazy or not...I parent how I parent and don't feel bad about it.

With that being said, I have a neighbor who calls/texts every time, and I would honestly rather her kid just knock on the door. I feel put out if the parent calls/texts and I say no versus telling a kid that it won't work right now. I don't mind telling kids no, if that's the answer, or saying yes if that is the answer. If it's yes, I make them call their parents from my house to make sure they know where they are.

My boys will often run down if they see the neighbor kids playing outside too and just join. The parents will send them home if it doesn't work then and my kids are okay with it.

So stop answering the door. Seems easy enough to me. Soon enough they'll go looking for someone else to play with.

When people say "times have changed" they generally mean that society has become anti-social. Or afraid.

The ribbon idea sounds good.

I think it's totally ok to say to the mom "I love having our kids play, and it's great to have friendly neighbors close by. But it would make it easier for me if you could drop me a text or a call if your kids want to play, so I can let you know if it's a good time for us before they come over."

I really think it's fine. Growing up, my family was a "knock on the door" family. But when a new neighbor moved in, and I became close friends with their daughter, they nicely made it clear that I should call before I came over. So I did. I admit, I thought it was strange, but it didn't prevent my becoming best friends with that girl for the next 10 years until we graduated high school.

there are signs all over pinterest that people have made saying yes we can play or sorry we cant play now. I would do something like that.

Have you talked to the neighbor kids directly and explaining how things need to be?

All the neighbor kids listen to me and do as I say. There was one kid who would show up multiple times, and I realized I had to be very specific with him. "No, he can't play." or "He's busy." wasn't cutting it. I have to specify - 'He can't play at all today.' 'He is busy now, but you can come back at 2pm.' Etc.

The ribbon idea is good. For us, it is the window by the door. Curtain closed means it is too early in the day to knock.

When my kids were 6 and 4, they would go outside without me but we had a fenced-in backyard. They were not allowed out front by the road and could not wander the neighborhood.

As for your own kids getting upset when you say no, the solution isn't avoiding upsetting them, but teaching them proper behavior for the circumstance. I have no tolerance for whining and such, so they'd be in trouble for doing it.

This is two-fold. One to tell the other kids that it's not a good night to play and IF your kids can play, you'll let them know and two to tell your kids if they get riled up about it, then the answer will be no. Knock it off and settle down. When I had to go to bed before dark in the summer and heard other kids outside, my mom said, "They are not my children. You are my child and YOU are going to bed." I don't think it needs to be a big deal. If they continue to knock and ring the bell, tell them they are disturbing your family and the answer is no for today. Please go home or you'll call their mother.

I think it's a great idea to just ask the mom for a call or text instead of the kids just ringing the bell. Just explain to her that if it's not a good time, and the bell is rung, your kids get all upset and give you a hard time. I'm sure a mother would be understanding of that and not want her kids to cause another mom stress. She's probably sending them out alone to relieve her own stress:-) It's nice to have close neighbors and kids around for your kids to play with (we live in a neighborhood where there's no kids so I'm jealous!) but I can totally understand how having neighbor kids knocking on your door, unannounced, would be annoying and disruptive. Use your idea of asking for a call or text, and also let her know if you are outside already, the kids are welcome just to come play without a call first.