Bipolar Father

I am sure your little boy really wants to see him. I am sorry this time is so painful. I would be as honest as I could and in concert with what he can process.

Maybe, along the lines of, Daddy has a condition that causes him to make some decisions that are not the best for you or him sometimes. It's not ever that he doesn't love you, it's that he needs help finding the best way to do that. Sometimes it's like your math problems. He can get through the first step of it but gets lost in the details and cant get to the second step. I know he loves you. He would enjoy seeing you. But right now, he is having trouble with the details of coming on our trip. There will be other trips and I am sure there will be better times that he can come see you.

Hope he shows up soon!

I'm not sure how old your son is, and your approach would have to be adjusted based on his understanding and maturity level.

I think, overall, it's essential that your son understand that is not a reflection on him, his worth or his lovability. His father is not rejecting him - his father has some problems that prevent him from being attentive all the time. Don't scare your son by saying that your ex is sick - but you can say that his father doesn't always do the right thing or isn't always able to behave the way your son would want. Don't give your son the idea that misbehaving can be excused all the time by a disorder - that gives him carte blanche to do the wrong thing with you! Tell him that his father loves him very much and that sometimes there are difficulties in staying in touch. Sometimes that's technological, and that sometimes it's due to the distance or the time changes (even if that's a stretch, it's possible or at least was when he was farther away, which he may be again, for all you know).

Perhaps you should re-think the family trip - I'm not sure if that's extended family or just the 3 of you, but it puts an awful lot of value on a get-together that may not happen. Also, if your ex is so erratic, maybe having him along is not a good idea. Is it possible that your ex is stressed out about this trip and is putting up barriers now?

I don't think you can keep your son from being disappointed - he is, and you are. I think feeling unimportant is much worse, and it comes from feeling that his father's actions are the result of a little boy's actions. They aren't. His father is a grown-up, and sometimes grown-ups don't do the right thing. And if your ex is suffering from a disorder, and if he's erratic regarding girlfriends, and if he's attempted suicide, he needs to get significant help. I'm not sure you want your son to spend a vacation with someone so erratic who lies all the time.

Talk to your children's library staff about some helpful books to read when a parent is mentally ill. It isn't important that you name the condition - I don't think that's information a young child needs anyway - but understanding that there are things that cause people to engage in behaviors they don't wish to engage in can help explain things. Just make sure he doesn't think it's going to be something he inherits from his dad.

Good luck.

There isn't much you can do other than be as honest with your son as possible. Does he know his father is sick? If not, he should. That will help him understand what his father does without taking it personally.

I don't think you can shield him from the pain, because you can't control your ex or what he does/doesn't do. All you can do is be there to offer support, understanding and love when his feelings get hurt.

Not sure how old your son is but if he's young then don't tell him things in advance so there's no chance of him being disappointed when dad doesn't show up. My older grandchildren's father flakes on everything so my daughter doesn't tell the kids he'll be attending. That way when he doesn't show up they don't miss him. Sad for him but his choice.

First, you can be honest with your son about the fact that Daddy has an illness which sometimes makes him behave in a way that you don't understand. Tell him it's nobody's fault, and that Daddy loves him very much.

Second, you can be the best and most loving parent you can to your child. With a strong, loving parent your son will cope with Daddy's ups and downs.

Thirdly, make sure you have some support. If you have family or good friends, ask them to help out, and talk to them about how you're feeling. Look after yourself!

obviously you cannot control what your ex does. i would just be as honest as you can with your son according to his age. the older he gets the more he will understand as you have more and more conversations with him about his dad. my oldest daugther has a non existant father or i should say a father who wants to be a dad at his convenience. she is almost 16 and now knows that she cannot depend on her dad. it was so hard to watch her go through that pain as she missed her daddy and he would make promises to her he couldnt keep. i mean, you do the best you can. it would break my heart when she would cry for hours at night wondering if her dad loved her. i always told her that daddy does love her he just sometimes doesnt make the best choices. after all this time, she now sheilds herself from him and keeps him at a distance for she doesnt want to continue to have a broken heart. one thing i ALWAYS told her was that i knew she wanted daddy to be there and i am sorry that he isnt a good daddy but I WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER. i said "mommy will never leave you baby unless the Lord calls me to Heaven and well i cannot help that if it happens, but i would never leave you UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE!" What a hard place to be. I was there. Just do the best you can!

Be open and honest with your son in an age appropriate manner. Information can help your son put into perspective what the real problem is rather than deciding he must be the problem.

Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. They are also much more perceptive than we realize, he already knows there are issues and needs to know that it isn't about him. Be specific. Don't just say "This isn't about you it is about your dad." Diane B gave some great ways to address things. I also agree that focusing on the disorder can have a tendency to distract from the reality of the consequences of his dad's choices.

The big thing to keep in mind is that your son will feel all kinds of feelings from anger to hurt. You cannot shield your son from the pain his father will cause him. You can, however, give him the resources he needs to work through the pain. We all live on planet earth and pain is inevitable. Avoiding it leads to addictions. Learning to feel it, allowing it to move through us, and healing the wounds is what we can do.

Create a safe space for him to feel his feelings. Let it be okay that he feels. He will only be harmed by this if you minimize his feelings or give him any signals that it isn't okay to feel whatever he feels. Give him appropriate ways to express his feelings. Create a little feeling space in his bedroom that he can have tissues, a soft blanket, paper and crayons, an old phone book/magazine to shred when angry, pictures of different faces with different emotions, etc. Let this be a safe place for him to sit and express.

Keep the lines of communication open between you. Learn to listen to him. Reflect and validate what he is feeling rather than trying to make it all better. Give him answers when he asks. Avoid minimizing the pain. Be honest about your own frustrations within good boundaries. Don't vent with him. Let him vent with you.

As another mom suggested, be cautious about telling your son in advance about plans with his dad. Disappointment only comes with expectations.

When the kids get to missing their mom or wanting to talk to their dads I tell them they are off working hard so they can send money for child support. This way the kids still feel important and can let it go that they aren't seeing or talking to their parents.

Sometimes the kids don't hear from them in months. My granddaughter only talks to her dad when her mom is here and calls him. She tells him his daughter needs him and he better visit with her on the phone. So he does for a few minutes. He just has no desire to make that relationship.

My daughter was here recently and actually introduced my grandson's dad to him. It was a momentous occasion. He only comes around when my daughter visits though. So my grandson does miss his dad but I tell him I don't know how to contact him. That mom will take care of that when she comes to visit.

I suggest you try something like this, telling him dad is off working to send money or something. That way he won't miss him so much until you can find out what happened to him. He could be sick or hurt. Perhaps his family has had contact with him?