BM With Many Boyfriends

I would go to the court... Depending on your area, you may have a lot of rights! In Macomb and Oakland Counties, you can fight to have full custody if there are other men sleeping over while she's there. What she's doing is making the child physically and emotionally unstable. I would try taking her to a therapist.

This is a hard one. My SS Bm always has a new BF I have only been around for a couple of years. In that time she has had at least 5 boyfriends. One that severly beat her almost to death ( that was only 3 months ago) She already has another new BF. The boys started complaining about the ex about 4 months into their relationship. He was a very bad drunk and verbally abusive. We both spoke to her about it. She denied it all. I knew it was only time before he started physically abusing her. The boys still havent healed from that one. She hasnt even closed that chapter in her life. She is still going to court over it. That is a sign of low self esteem Not being able to be on her own with out a guy to validate her. Explain to your daughter that her BM is not setting an example. You could of course petition the court. Telling them that she is not stable enough for her daughter. I have even heard of judges forbidding parents from allowing men to stay the night while the children are home. The only way that could happen is if they were married. You have to think of your SD . You don't want her to repeat her mother's mistakes. She could start looking for love in all the wrong places. As long as you and her father offer consistency ( which it sounds like you do) I don't think that she will turn out like her mother. She is still at a young age where she will forget most of it when she is older. I would hire an attorney or go and see one to see if you two have any legal standings good luck

I can understand your concern. It is hard to sit back and let someone else make decisions that are ultimately going to affect this little girl who you obviously love and care for. I am not sure legally what can be done and I am sure trying to sit down and rationalize with the BM is not going to get you too far either. One positive thing to look at is that the two of you are raising her most in your home. If you provide structure and support in her primary living enviornment, you may have more of an impact on these areas of concern. My advice is to continue to teach your step daughter about self esteem and being independant. Let her know that the "boyfriend" or even just friends in her life does not need to define who she is. Modeling behaviors for her are going to teach her also. If you can provide positive role models for her hopefully they will cancel out the obvious negative one she has in her other home. Good luck and keep us updated.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. As long as you provide a home with positive family values for her to spend the majority of her time in, as she grows older, she'll see for herself which kind of lifestyle she would rather have for herself. If her mother was the custodial parent, I would be more worried. But, since she spends less time in the environment you are describing, unless you suspect that there is genuine danger to your step-daughter, there shouldn't be too much to worry about.

As for your step-daughter saying that she misses the boyfriends after they are gone, that's pretty normal for a child of her age. My son is roughly the same age. He says he misses darn near everything after it's out of his sight for a short time. He's been without his security toy for over a year, but just last week he said he misses it. A bird comes to our feeder, eats as we watch, then takes flight, and my son turns to me and says I miss that bird. It's just their way of expressing their opinion of having enjoyed something being around, and then not. It's unlikely that she really missed the boyfriends as much as misses some of the activities that came along with the boyfriends. As long as you and your husband are her rock, she should end up with a sound foundation for her future, from the example that you two provide of what a stable and loving relationship is meant to be.

I think if you guys didn't have full custody than I would worry. As long as your SD isn't seeing any xrated things with her mom than she will be okay, because she is comming home to a stable environment and that is the key, she will get to the age where she won't want to go to her moms because of the crazyness. You can always contact a lawyer and he will give you free advise if you still feel the child might be in danger. Have you talked to the mother about this? and is the child acting differently when she comes back home to you guys? Thoes would be signs of problems and should have action takin against the mother. Hang in there, and have faith that she will move away with one of these boyfriends and turn over all rights to you.

Hi D.

Another D. here too, also a stepmom with custody (well hubby has it), what a coincidence huh? I dont believe you have any legal recourse, unless there is something in the original court order regarding overnights with not married people (however it is worded).

I understand your worry and concern, I just havent seen anything that makes me believe you have legal recourse. As sd ages she will decide on her own which relationships were healthy that she watched, hopefully you and your husband can impress upon her more, and can instill the morals you would hope to into sd.

I could be wrong though. I dont know how friendly, or communicative the relationship is between mom and dad. Does she inform your dh of person's name? Can you search court records, maybe even sexual offenders databases etc?

I wish her mom would understand that this isnt healthy for a child. One of the things that I had to learn, is I can not change other people. I dont mean to sound all gloomy, hopefully another person will have experience to help you. We just watched it happen for years, had to trust mom, that was a huge reach for us. Things have settled down some, she is on marriage number 4 though, a little improvement as in they arent boyfriends for long. LOL

Chris M- Since I cant figure out how to reply again I had to edit my advice. I wanted to be sure that you saw they already have custody of the child? The mom is not the custodial parent, and I dont know if your advice would be the same.

D. W- DO document everything you can, journals, any proof you get via other means etc. If nothing else you can proove she is unstable should she attempt to get custody.

Hi D.,
We went through the same thing with my niece. I would seek her counceling for her. Just someone outside of the situation that she can talk to. I would also let the courts know that you are worried about her living conditions when she is with her BM, and see what they say. I know that you do not want her BM out of the picture. But we have gone through so much with my niece. That maybe in the end, that really maybe what is best for her. Exspecially because you and your husband have a secure enviroment for her to live in. I hope this helps. If there is anything else that i can do to help. Just let me know.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Unless they are physically abusive, I'm pretty sure the courts would say they can't make her stop this type of behavior and really they can't. If it gets to a point where you think the child is in danger you can contact social services. If they were to address it, they would talk to the kids and to the BM. Thankfully, she has you and your husband who have her best interests at heart. BM sounds desperate.

J. M

sticky situation! As a child of a young single mom, I can see your concerns and they are thoroughly justified... as the SM (though I feel you love her as your own, I am just trying to put myself in your shoes), I can understand your reservations about confronting the BM... what does your husband think of the possible effects of these relationships? I doubt the BM would be open to her ex's opinion of her dating life (sound like a very immature/dependant lady), but perhaps he is on decent terms with his former in-laws or a mutual friend... someone who could simply broach the subject with the BM and give her something to think about as it is likely she dosen't have the foresight to see the possible effects her behavior is having on her daughter like you do...
Unless there is some obvious negative effect on your SD, I can't see any legal recourse... but perhaps you could pick your friends' connections and try and get input from a social worker to see if they could advise you on other options/approaches...
In any case i wish you luck,
A.
p.s.
your [S]daughter is lucky to have you!

I think this is going to have a HUGE impact on her own relationships with boys and then men. She may even end up acting the way her mom does. I hate to say get the court involved, but I would do just that. Ask the judge to inforce that no boyfriends can be around when she has the child. Make sure the judge knows what SD has said about the men when they are gone. I had to do this with my ex when we were getting divorced. He finally realized the impact it was having on our son. Her BM should realize it's not good for your daughter to have all these men in and out of her life.