Called the Wrong Name

Sometimes I call one of my kids by my cat's name and vice versa. Really, I know the difference. I'd chalk it up to a brain fart and let it go.

I'd say slip of the tongue. Can't begin to imagine how many times I can't get the kids' names right. I usually go through 2 or 3 tries before I say "you know who I mean"

I didn't even know it when I called my second husband by my first husband's name. It was really a habit more than anything. It upset others far more than him.

I've known my daughter 22 years now and sometimes I still call her by the cat's name.

I have called our daughter our cats name and my sisters name.

I have called my husband our neighbors name and my business partners husbands name..
I walk talk and think way to fast for my mouth... No evil intentions going on..

The older i get, more stressed, tired and distracted I am, the more likely this happens to me.

You have a right to your feelings, but do not project assumptions or read into this.. He is just human...

First, I love your name! My youngest daughter and you have the same name, same spelling.

2nd....my husband is like you, in that he can't stand it when I mix up names. Which I do ALL the time. I grew up with 7 siblings, and have 3 kids and I just can't seem to get one specific name out of my mouth successfully. The names get slurred into one.

Personally, I don't get people like you who are easily offended by using the wrong name....3 times in 3 years sounds like an impossible achievement to me. 18 years of marriage later, I have been known to use a certain prior boyfriends name. Just one and he was a significant relationship to me.

Where does your hurt reaction stem from? Do you think his memory should be wiped clean and fresh and you are everything and all to him, so only your name should cross his lips?

My husband says it just an attention thing, and I completely agree. If I'm tired and busy and distracted, I frequently use wrong names. Last night at a Christmas party I kept calling a mom friend by her daughter's name. In my mind, it's one family, and they are a bit interchangeable.

Personally, I am never bothered by being called a wrong name.

I don't want to dismiss your feelings, that it bothers you at some level. You are probably feeling that he still thinks about her, instead of you, and that's why her name rolls off his tongue. I don't know your BF. Does he usually have a lot on his mind?

J., I truly hope you are not 'really hurt by this' as you say. I hope your mental preparedness and planned reaction is one of kindness first for the sake of a continued and healthy relationship.

I'm still trying to figure out why someone would keep such tabs, unless you feel that you're not that big of a priority in his life.

J., I'm not trying to take up for your husband, but I gotta say that I habitually have called my kids each other's names. When I had a dog, I called them the dog's name. I have called one of my kid's my husband's name (I guess because he reminds me so much of his dad.) My younger son frequently catches himself calling me "Dad" when he says something to me when he means to tell his dad, but I just happen to be standing there.

It's, I think, like a stuck record in your head and it doesn't mean that he thinks that you are his ex or that he wishes you were his ex.

Don't know if this helps, but I hope it does.

Dawn

He was previously married and out of habit called you her name. I am sure it meant nothing unless you take it there.

Be secure with yourself and your relationship or end it.

I am my husband's 2nd wife.. he was married about 6 years before we met. He has accidently blurted her name out and I honestly could care less because I am the one married to him and I understand when he was married, he called her name daily. Let this go.

three times...over three YEARS?

i really think you're overreacting and taking this too personally.

i would wait until he does it again (sounds like you might have to wait awhile) and then just point it out jokingly. do NOT get snippy or bitchy about it, unless you want a fight. he's not doing it on purpose, he's not doing it during sex or anything...it's really no big deal.

anytime you've been in situation A for an extended period of time, you can slip up and insert situation A's names into situation B. it's really only natural.

example: when my son was 2 years old, at thanksgiving dinner, he was about to get into something on the other side of the house (i could see him) and to my utter embarrassment, i SHOUTED my littlest brother's name, in my firmest (very LOUD) mommy voice. i was 15 when my brother was born - i used that tone a lot with him as i helped raise him. flashback i guess! lmao! scared my little brother (who was like 18 by then!) but, it gave the family a good laugh. i've done it once or twice since then, my son is 6 now.

truly- no big deal.

You are doing something his ex did, like did a lot. It is the same reason you call one child by a different child's name. There are specific actions that your reaction is this name.

I have called my brother my ex's name at least a dozen times and I have called my husband my ex's name a few times. I can assure you I know the difference. I can assure you I hate my ex. I can assure you I have no feeling but hate, well maybe some pity since the darn fool has no friends, for my ex.

It means nothing more than you did something that his reaction was trained to be her name. I am lucky, I am the polar opposite of my husband's ex, he has never called me her name. Thing is though that is only because I do nothing, nothing on earth, like his ex.

J.:

My name is Cheryl. My husband's ex-wife's name is Sheila. There were times when we were first together that he, his friends and his family would say "Sheila"...didn't help that we are both brunettes and about the same height. They were together 7 years. No children.

NEVER happened in the bedroom. Not sure if that is where it is happening.

You NEED to communicate with him how you feel. DO NOT start a fight with "YOU ARE DOING THIS" - that will automatically put him on the defensive. Start with - "John, I am feeling hurt when I am called your ex-wife's name. Can you tell me why this is happening?"

If you are on the defensive now and already have a "plan for your reaction" - that's REALLY immature. It will NOT help the situation. It will show you are holding a grudge and keeping score. that is NOT what marriage is about. It's about partnership, understanding, forgiveness and so much more.

Maybe you guys are ready to get married. Maybe you need counseling to find out how to communicate with each other and NOT "plan an attack" in retaliation for something said or done.

Take a step back. Re-examine your relationship. Your communication skills and whether or not you have the same goals in life. If you aren't on the same page now, marriage is not going to change that and make things magically better.

If you can't forgive him for this. What happens when there is something more serious to forgive? Instead of attacking. CALMLY talk to him and let him know you are hurt by his calling you her name and what can you guys do as a COUPLE to change that and work together on it.

Best of luck!!

Both my husband and I have been married before. We've both messed up and called the other by an ex's name (thank goodness never in the bedrom!) Usually when we were angry or in a hurry.

Sometimes your mind is elsewhere. Sometimes the present triggers a memory from the past. At all times we've ended up laughing about it because we 1. realized that we were doing something that the ex did and 2. realized that it was one of the reasons we were no longer married to our exes!

Normally we just respond with a "HELLO, come to present time! I'm XYZ, not ABC." and let it go at that.

Unless he's calling it in the bedroom, I wouldn't think anything about it.

Also, when we were getting married, the pastor called me by my husband's mother's name during our vows! Our names are similar, and we all go to the same church (and he's known her for years). My husband quietly said that he was not interested in marrying his mother and everyone laughed.

I did that to my husband a couple times. I think mostly when I was talking about him to others, not necessarily talking to him, but it happens. I've called my husband my best friends husbands name before (Mark and Mike - how could I not!).

I think men especially are creatures of habit. Just smile at him and say "I'm not Suzie, I'm J.." If you are confident in your relationship otherwise, I think this is no big deal.

I once called my 24 year old brother and left the following voicemail: "Hi Mark, it's Mommy...WOAH, I realize I am not your mother, and that you have a perfectly good mother already. Sorry about that--I get stuck in Mommy mode. Anyways, call me back when you have a few minutes to chat, as you can tell that I need some adult conversation."

He didn't take it personally, and I hope you can do the same.

I know it stings, but I would try not to be too hurt by it. It doesn't mean that he's still in love with his ex wife or anything.

I flew back to visit my family back east and was staying with my dad and step-mom. They had been married for over 20 years following my parents divorce. She was a super jealous woman and in all those years, she wouldn't allow my father to step foot in the state of California because my mother lives here.

Anyway, I was in the living room talking with my dad and my step mom was in the bathroom washing her face before bed. My dad was telling me a funny story about him and my step mother, but he accidentally inserted my mother's name for hers a few minutes into the story. My dad and I both froze and looked at each other like, "Oh bleep, he's a dead man!"

Crickets.

We stayed silent and frozen waiting for some heavy object to get chucked at his head.

She didn't even come out of the bathroom. After what seemed like an eternity, she called out, "Excuse me....the name's Audrey.....try not to forget it".

That was it. No death. No stitches on his forehead. Now, if SHE could let it go, I think you can too. I mean, my dad was clearly talking about her and saying my mother's name was a complete accident.

Definitely let your fiance know that it hurts your feelings when he calls you by the wrong name. However, don't harp on it too much because it might just make it happen more. If he has to be constantly thinking, "Don't say ex wife's name...don't say ex wife's name...don't say ex wife's name...." chances are he'll blurt it out MORE because he really WILL have her name on his brain all the time.

Try to have a funny comeback.
Or, just start calling him Irving.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

If you call all significant others 'Sweetheart', you never have this problem!

My Grandmother used to do this with the grandchildren. My grandfather on the other hand, had a cute way(that upset my father) of calling me, "Number one Granddaughter" which makes no sense unless you are familiar with 'The Amazing Chan'. I'm half Asian, and my Mother never took offense, as my older cousin was "Number one Grandson" and he's pure Polish. He did know our names, and called us them, but those were his pet names for us.
My Grandmother still to this day will call my son by my brothers name and my youngest cousins name(as his name is similar to hers).

I also had an art teacher that had a Vivian in his class just before me, and he'd always mix up our names. She also had a Polish surname, which made for amusing combinations.

We ended up "getting even" with him by taking the same class and requesting the same class hour. First day of class we walked in chatting like good friends, and he did the biggest "facepalm". I ended up making a new friend.

It's random association. I would not be upset about it.

Hope this helps.

It's only happened three times over three years? I don't really see the problem or why you would be hurt over this. Slip ups happen, and they're not always Freudian. There's nothing deep to figure out.

Honey, Babe, Love saves you from the problem all together.

If he is still in contact with his Ex or/and he was with her for a good amount of time (obviously he was, since they were married), then her name is on his brain, it's a habit for him to use it. Just a fact of life. Chances are those slips were while he was distracted for one reason or another. My daughter called me her teacher's name the other day because she wasn't fully focused. A simple brain fart. I've called her by our cat's names before and have called my son (only 2 months old) by my daughter's name.

3 times in 3 years, you're doing well.

Interesting fact, at 15 years of marriage my mother signed her maiden name on a check at the store. Habits are hard to break and they can creep up and nip you at the most random of times.

I kind of think you're making a big deal out of nothing. He was married to her, and when his brain is on automatic, sometimes her name comes out. As long as it's not in the bedroom, just remind him who you are and move on.

Is this something your husband does with other people? my hubby calls me by his sister's name from time to time, I call the kids by the wrong name, it happens.

My husband called me "mom" once. Ugh! Slip of the tongue. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Apparently you believe that using his ex's name has some deeper meaning which indicates he doesn't love you or he still loves his wife or ? I suggest you need to deal with your own insecurity. If you were confident in his love for you I suggest that this would not be such a big deal to you.

I'm surprised you've kept score. I suggest that keeping score is a good way to ruin a relationship. It indicates that you're angry and that anger has festered for 3 years. Perhaps I'm wrong and your plan isn't based on anger. I hope so.

You've no doubt done things that irritated him. Does he also keep score. I suggest that it would be most helpful for you to let him know how this makes you feel in a calm reasonable way and thus give him a chance to reassure you of his love or whatever it is that is upsetting you.

Do you trust him? If he says it was just a slip of the tongue and has no meaning would you be able to accept that and let go of the anger and need to keep track?

My husband continually calls me "mom" Pisses me off, but there are bigger things to worry about! 3 times in 3 years is not too bad, mine happens every week at least.

I called my husband Elizabeth the other day. Go figure. Trust me, his name is not Elizabeth. (Our 7 year old daughter.)

A man at my church has been calling me the wrong name for over a year and I feel too embarrassed at this point to correct him.

I don't think he's subconsciously wishing you were her, or anything. It's not about Freud. People make mistakes. :) My MIL constantly calls my husband the wrong name.

If he's not doing it as a negative thing (as in comparing you unfavorably to her on purpose) then I'd chalk it up to a minor mistake and move on.

I have called people by the wrong name many times. My DH was recently in a friend's wedding and referred to her groom by her late husband's name - thankfully not to his face, but it just slipped out. I cannot tell you how many times I call DD by SD's name, even when SD isn't here.

My brother occasionally used to call his wife by my name, and me by hers. We both laughed it off. Actually, she laughed at him directly - but it didn't stop him from doing it!

Its probably just habit. What have you said when he said it? I would make a joke out of it and then maybe he will remember next time.
If he does it again, just call him one of your ex's names.
Could be a good laugh?
I wouldnt be hurt by it.

My sister's new husband used to call her by his ex's name when she was doing things that reminded him of her...it pissed me off, but they worked through it.

If he's not doing it in the bedroom, I'd call it to his attention and let it go.

Sometimes old habits are hard to change. I still call my cousins husband, who has been married for ten years, by her ex-boyfriends name. I wouldn't look too much into it.

There have been times when my husband goes to tell a story like "oh, honey, remember that time we did blah blah blah" and I have to remind him that no, that was something he did with his first wife. It usually ends up with him embarrassed and me laughing, so no big deal here. But he's never called me by her name. He does, however, accidentally mix up my name, our daughter's name, and before our dog passed away this summer, the dog's name.

How long was your fiance with his former wife? Do they have children together? If it was a long term relationship, while I can understand it hurts your feelings, it's not unusual or unforgivable. If you feel he is still in love with her, that's a different story.

I'd let it go. I know it may have hurt your feelings but try not to let it.

He didn't mean to do it. There was not malicious intent etc.

If anything, you could laugh it off if it happens again like "Ha ha I'm Sally now huh?". Laughing will convey the confidant woman you are!

Hmmm...no personal experience with this, but I'd guess its nothing major--slip of the tongue, etc.

If his name is John, throw out a "Jim" here or there....lol

It's not a big deal. Surely it's not intentional.

Unless you are just getting out of high school, you both have had your past. Hopefully, he is not doing this when you are in the bedroom.

My BIL has been married 3 times. My hubby will say all three spouse names when referring to the current spouse. They have been married for several years.

For me, my anger would depend on what was going on at the time of the slip up. If we were in an argument, I might forgive it. If we were in a romantic situation, no way, no how!

i've called my boyfriend my daughters name. luckily i only called him my ex's name once when he was doing something anoying when we first started dating, but there have been times I have caught myself since then.

In all of the times I almost said his name I have never been thinking of my ex. J. like when I call him my 6 year olds name I'm not thinking of her, something he did triiggered that name.
As in if my words are not being heard and I repeat i automatically go into mom mode "emmmmmyyyy" in an annoyed tone, ooopsss double sorry, you're not emmy AND i shouldnt use that annoyed tone

Maybe he is seeing his ex-wife on the side? I don't mean to upset you...it's just a thought. My husband never called me by his ex-wife's name. In fact, we never mention her name EVER.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, but you may want to bring to his attention that it bothers you that badly. He was married to this woman and perhaps got used to using the name. I knew a girl who would slip and call her husband by her ex-husband's name. It had nothing to do with emotions or feelings for her ex, but the fact that she was a person of habit.
My grandmother (My Mom's Mom) used to call me the name of, just about, every other person in the family before she would get to mine. I never took it personally, just the way she was with names. She was never very good with them. She would routinely call my Mom by my Aunt's (Mom's sister) name.

when you are with a person intimately, and if they were married they were, then some things are habit. Some things just get so comfortable that you fall back into that habit by accident. It does not mean he secretly still loves her in a way that wants them to be married again, trust me they would not have divorced if they did, and he would not be dating you for 3 yrs either if he wanted her back. It simply means that he was comfortable and fell back on old habits. It's a trick of our brain, nothing personal, nothing hidden meaning about it. It will happen more often if he actually interacts with this person (say if there are kids involved), or when a thing that is happening is similar to something that happened in the past, or when he is stressed or overtired.

Since it DOES bother you, talk to him about it in a calm way NOW, not when it happens. Tell him that you aren't sure he even noticed he did it, but it has really stuck with you and it bothers you so much. Do not accuse, just talk. Ask if he has an idea why it happens, and perhaps you can make it into a joke some way. If you can't talk about this stuff then honestly why are you still together at all after 3 yrs?