Can You Teach Common Sense? How?

I don't think this is common sense. I think common sense is the ability to think something through BEFORE acting on it. He's five, you told him to close the door so he went and closed the door of the room he just exited. I think in his five year old brain this made sense. Then he got confused about what you were asking, because he's not thinking about waking up his sister, YOU are, but he doesn't know that. You are the mother and an adult and thinking about all kinds of things at once, but you can't expect him to be doing the same, he's just a kid. Don't start looking for problems where there are none, cut the little guy some slack.
Now, if he starts thinking it's a good idea to ride his skateboard down the stairs, THAT'S a sign of a lack of common sense! Hopefully it won't come to that :)

I agree with modeling, but also narrate your thought process when you are problem solving. You could also use those moments like with the door as a teaching moment. He's standing outside the door and you come close to the door to quietly speak so as to not wake your daughter: "Hang on, kiddo, think for a minute. We were in here talking, and you were coming back in after the bathroom to keep talking with me. Do you think I meant for you to close the door and keep yourself out?" Challenge him to use that part of his brain more and it will get sharper.

AND it's time for the ADHD & Aspie Evals :)

'Absent minded professor" has become SYNONYMOUS with ADHD, the descriptor is so apt for ADHD-c & ADJD-i.

((The H by the way is now in all 3 forms of ADHD because it's now recognized that hyperactivity is ALWAYS present, just not always physically. When it's present mentally AND physically, it's 'combined', and only present mentally it's 'inattentive'.

How many thoughts can you hold simultaneously in your mind? Most people only 1. ADHD-c & ADHD-i peeps tend to usually hold 4-5 completely different thought streams at one time. Imagine taking 5 classes, with 5 professors talking to you, AT THE SAME TIME, and hearing every word and retaining all, AND talking to all 5 at the same time -5 mouths- instead of one at a time. That's normal 'thinking' for ADHD c&i. And why so much gets 'missed' IRL. Other people compare it to 5 radio stations playing at the same time, or 5 kids all screaming/talking at you at once. So when there's a SIXTH (or whatever) being your mom, teacher, etc... It's just too much... And the "huh?" response kicks in. ))

The Aspie eval (ADHD'ers and aspies are VERY different, but a lot of the behaviors look the same), is the 'pure honesty' thing.

Well, ya said shut the door. You didn't say ANYTHING about what side to be on!

Could it be neither? Sure.

But I'm willing to lay money that your ex and you son are both 1 or the other.

I have ADHD resources out my ears (You mean I'm not lazy, stupid, or crazy?!? By Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo being my FAVORITE ADHD resource book to pass on to possible ADHD families), but Aspies I only know via friends (Aspies are RELAXING to ADHD types, because of the pure honesty thing, no guessing.)

The way you teach common sense to ADHD'ers is the "and then what?" game. Seriously a GAME (that goes on for years) to impose that as a constantly running thought stream. It's not 100%, but it brings it up to about 70-80%. For ? I don't know.

For ADHD types, we tend to grasp complex things very easily (the multiple thought streams), but "simple" things are extraordinarily difficult. (Because our brains make them complex. It's a neurological thing.

Jo W has to caveat a LOT of her Q's this way, because she/and a lot of us ADHD types on this board... are honestly clueless about some things / she's asking out of pure curiosity because those things DON'T make 'sense' to our types of brains. Which is how we really do find out what "normal" is. But Jo W is one of the smartest people I know. Toss her something complex, and bam, cuts right through to the answer. It's a brain thing.

(Hope you don't mind me using you as an example Jo! But you HAVE asked a lot of perfect Q's lately that illustrate that point!)

______

Per your ETA... The fridge is an obvious place to look, for ADHD types!!! I look there for lost things all the time! Why? Hungry. Open door, need 2 hands, 'something' in my other hand, set it down (in fridge) get out food, close door. Eat. And missing thing is IN the fridge! Happens all the time. At least for ADHD types!

First, book smarts and common sense are not mutually exclusive. I know plenty of people with both... :)

I think Jo hit the nail on the head: we *do* have to be specific and spell things out for them: "Oh, come into my room and close the door behind you" would have explained things very clearly to your son, left no room for kid-interpretation (because he just came out of the bathroom, so that's the door he's thinking of) and frustrated you less.

We focus a lot on being very specific in our home; I try to remember when I'm with children to be very, very precise and give simple, clear directions. Just try to put yourself in your child's place: if you were given directions to assemble something which said 'put the screw into the hole and then join it to the other piece' when confronted with multiple choices, you would be confused too. Our being vague often leads to confusion.

As for 'teaching' common sense, I've found that being mindful of what's happening in the moment and giving 'reason' for my directions helps to cement the 'why' behind the common sense. "Let's put your marbles back in their box so we'll know where to find them next time." "Please clear the toys off the kitchen floor so I don't trip on them while I'm cooking." "Let's put your coat in the backpack. It's warm now, but it will be cooler later on." Then, when I've used those explanations a few times, I make it a game and ask Kiddo 'fill in the blank':"Let's put those marbles right where they go... Because..._________?" I do this in a fun way, with a smile, drawing out 'because' and then let him search his brain for the answer and give it to me "So I can find it next time!" Right! High five! You remembered! What a good thing to know! (all positive responses to getting the 'right' answer) OR if I get a goofy answer "Maybe-- but why else do we do this?"

Partly he is 5 - they need simple, clear instructions, that leave no room for ambiguity. Close the door, in a house full of doors is ambiguous at best, especially for a 5 year old. So, yes, "come in to the bedroom, then close the door" would have been a clearer directive .

Common sense means paying attention to the obvious. So, for you, which door to close was obvious - you were looking at the door. For your son, not so obvious. :)

Common sense, to me, means being able to use cognitive thought to process cause and effect - if I do this, then X will happen. But, my thought processes are not always that clear. I go off on tangents, loose track of the original thought, and wind up down thought pathways that are not logical to others. This can happen in seconds, inside my own head, and often come out as non-sequiters that leave others thinking I am a ditz. Because they are not privy to my thoughts.

But, I do not lack common sense. I know not to walk alone through high crime areas, stick my fingers in a light socket, light a match while pumping gas - again, all examples of common sense.

Young children have complicated thought processes - lots of input combined with the attention span of a goldfish - leads to what may look like a lack of common sense, but is really rapid fire thoughts careening around in their brains.

I always have too much on my mind - personal issues, work related matters, what to cook for dinner, did I medicate the cat, don't forget to bring the teen lunch at work, does the car need gas, did I pay the gas bill, what is my checkbook balance, how is my sister, is that a dust ball over there, oh, look a squirrel. All of these things conspire to make me forget where my keys are. So, I try and make a conscience effort to always put my keys in the same place upon entering my house. That, putting the keys in the same place, is common sense for me.

Don't project an image onto your son that is based on your image of your ex-husband. Labeling children can actually cause them to be something they, by nature, are not.

Model common sense, through actions, and clear, concise instructions to your son. Realize that he may be one of those people who often have rapid fire, random thoughts, that will veer him off track. Through action and word, teach him to channel and focus his thoughts. It takes patience.

Common sense is the result of thinking things through before you do them. Your son wasn't thinking things through before he did them.

When he went out to close another door and came back, you should have asked him, "What door did you close?" If he said the door to the baby's room, he was at least thinking in the right direction. If it wasn't, then you should have asked him why he closed that door. You will then begin to understand why he thinks like he does. If he says, "I dunno." He is either not thinking things through or he doesn't want to be criticized for his thought process and can't think of the answer he thinks you want to hear.

Then ask him what you wanted him to do. If he comes back with the I dunno answer, you have to ask him to tell you what you said. If he still can't tell you what you said, then you failed to reach him mentally.

When you tell him what to do, ask him what you asked him to do until you reach him mentally. Then ask him why you asked him to do it. If he says because you don't want to wake the baby, you have a small victory. If he comes back to "I dunno", you will have to explain why you don't want to wake the baby. To explain this best, have him sit on the couch and give him the crying baby to hold. You want him to tell you he doesn't want to hold the crying baby because of the crying. Then you remind him that if we leave doors open the baby might wake up and cry and why you asked him to close the door. His brain has to associate actions with consequences. You would have to explain this to an adult with average mental ability just once. With a 5 year old, it may take several times.

By doing this with many things, you will reprogram his brain to think things through, and thus acquire "common sense". Most people aren't willing to do this (teach their children) because it takes more time and energy. I know some people that will watch a TV program that they don't like because they don't want to get up and change the channel or even look for the remote.

Example: Son, take out the trash please. Son, what does it take to FINISH taking out the trash? If he says dump the trash can in the outside trash can, bring in the trash can, put a new plastic trash bag in it and put it back where it belongs, then I know he knows what it takes to "finish" taking out the trash, even though I didn't specificlly mention putting a new bag in the can. I have been in the family room watching the TV with him and paused the program at a commercial and asked, "Son, what does it take to finish taking out the trash". I quit doing this when I consistantly got the right answer.

Good luck to you and yours.

Of course you can teach common sense. Simply by modeling it.

However you are right in thinking genetics play a roll. But he's got a good chance of being BETTER then his father as he's got a mom with common sense.

And "Common sense" is defined a different way by everyone who thinks they have it.

Plus I wouldn't be looking for common sense EVERY SINGLE TIME from a five year old. It's a learned trait. Hell, I'm 46 and still learning it.

I think YOU just being YOU, like you're doing, is your best bet!

:)

My household is made of four different people, each with individual quirks and needs. Neurodiversity is wonderful, even if it is tricky at times. I find that having the right tool bag can make everything so much more enjoyable. So here are just a few from mine:

- As others already mentioned, be specific. When you think you're being specific already, times that by 500%.

- Stay calm. Frustration will make those brain wires jumble faster than you can say "Home sweet home". When someone is looking over my shoulder THAT'S what I'm focus on. I am distracted by my 'supervisors' reaction, rather than the work at hand. Very frustrating. Even when I'm competent in something I end up looking like a dunce, and everything I know suddenly disappears from my mind.

- When in doubt draw it out! My little ones do well with a mixture of learning strategies (book or common sense). My five year old doesn't understand direction. It goes in one ear and out the other. If I draw it for her? Boom, she can see it, and it becomes real. My other one has to ask question after question after question. Follow each rabbit down the hole. Both do well with hands on learning. I'll show them with my body and have them mimic me, correcting as they go. We do it until they have it in their body memory.

- Lead by example and talk about/explain things as you go. Down to the most simple of activities. Oh look! Here I am, I am walking along. There's a toy in my way! What should I do? I could walk around it like this (do it), or trip over it like this (big laugh), or I could pick it up (!!!) and put it in the bubby basket! Okay, now you try it!

What might be common sense to you is not to someone else. There are of course things that stand to reason: putting your hand on a hot stove, not running in traffic. All things we know to be dangerous, not just perceive as dangerous.

Two of my eight, lack in this area greatly....or do they. If they don't mind doing things the hard way, then I don't care if they do, as long as it get's done and it is done right.

If I ask for a door to be closed, some of my children can probably infer from our prior conversation what door I am talking about, but if 5 doors are open the other 2 will most likely need more guided instruction. Why? because they probably didn't catch the nuances of the prior conversation.

At 19 and 18, those two still lack it. Instead of worrying over it we have fun with it because sometimes it leads to very funny moments that leaves us all shaking our heads......common sense really isn't so common is it?

Unless someone has dealt with someone who has a true lack of common sense, they don't get it. My nephew is like this. Oh man, that kid... it is so frustrating. One time, I asked him to clear his plate from the table. He dumped his plate and fork and all into the trash. The plate was paper but the fork was actual silverware. I said to him, "Dane, you just put your fork in the trash. Could you pick that out of there?" He looks up at the ceiling and says, "What? How did that happen?"

I mean, really?

So, I get it. Some people just don't use their brains for mundane thinking. In every other way, my nephew is very smart. But when it comes to every-day use, we like to say that his brain is busy doing other, more important things. :)

It helps to have a running narration during the day. Like when you're preparing dinner, for example, or just going about your day, have your son watch you and you narrate your actions. "See? I almost stepped on that toy, and so instead of going aroudn it and leaving it there, I'm going to pick it up." That can make him more aware of his surroundings, and alert him to your thought processes.

IMO, for the most part, youc an't really teach common sense. You can increase his awareness of specific things, though.

A lot of this is just that he is a kid. Try not to worry too much that he is going to "turn out an airhead". He is just 5, after all. I get it- my kids are 9, 7 and 4, and I have a brother that is and always has been totally absent of common sense and I have worried in the past that the kids will turn out like that as adults. Well, they may or they may not, but right now they are just kids, and they have short attention spans and a zillion things going on in their heads. I can be having a conversation with my 9 year old and sometimes even then he will have a hard time making a common sense connection about something I just told him...I get frustrated, but I also realize that in his head, he is often doing full imaginary Star Wars battles while we are speaking, lol! As kids, they are so "in their head" and they also have not learned to make all the connections we do as adults. So try to cut him a little slack.
BUT in the meantime, I think you can teach common sense, just expect that it is not like he is going to immediately turn into a mini-adult. I think it helps a lot to be specific. For instance, I can ask my kid to empty the trash, which in my head means "empty the trash, put a new garbage bag in the can, put the can back in the cupboard". Right? He hears "empty trash, the end". So I have started becoming very specific about any instruction. Because they are still learning, and if I am very specific, then they learn to do it correctly and in entirety. And after a while, you no longer have to be quite so specific and long winded, because they have learned what "take out the trash" means.
Holding kids accountable helps, too. Write down and discuss expectations often. This is so helpful for everyone. Kids don't want their parents upset with them! But sometimes they truly do not know how to "please" us even though we think it should be obvious. Make sure he knows what is expected, repeat it often, be specific, give positive feedback, and hold accountable. I really think all of that helps a lot and I am seeing my children become a lot more responsible and model more common sense from doing those things. And we are all a lot more in harmony, too.

While I don't believe you can teach common sense (you either have it or you don't), I think in regards to your son it could be more of a focus thing.

1)Try to speak to him in exact words when you give directions!
2) Also, try to do it in about 5 words or so. No extraneous or flowery words. Example, "Come into bedroom, close door behind you.)
("Put your shoes on".)
("Go get your shoes.")
("Come eat your breakfast.")
("Leaving in 5 mins, get dressed.") etc.

Speak to him in the way that you know he will listen ("catch what you are saying").

My son is the same way - he's 9 now. He's brilliant and can do 7th grade math in 4th grade but he can't figure out why he has to lift both toilet seats even though I've told him over and over that I'm tired of sitting on a wet seat. He is also extremely literal (like his father) so I do have to be extremely specific about certain things I say. (And they both give me a hard time if I call the Orthodontist a "Dentist" or call a papertowel a "towel"). My cousin (who is almost 40) was the same way but I noticed around the time he graduated from college his common sense kicked in. I still don't think it's perfect but it's much better than when he was little.

I think for your son it is part genetics and part his age. I don't know if you can teach total common sense but you can use the times when he does something that does not make sense to explain how he could have done it in a better way! Maybe do some role playing with him? He'll remember what you told him and maybe next time use more sense. Good luck!