Celebrating Mothers Day with Out a Mother

I lost my father 7 years ago and yes, the first few Father's Days were hard - but you must move on.

Now, I have heard that once BOTH of your parents are gone it is VERY hard b/c there is apparently an 'orphan' feeling that one has to move past.

It does seem a bit over board though that he is sleeping with their ashes and your mom is depressed for so long before and after... it appears the meds they are on and the person each of them is working with re: therapy need to be changed.

RE: what to do... I think it's too close to Mother's Day to do anything this year but you can definitely do something for Father's Day (and then do the same for MD next year w/ your mom). Not sure if the written word or spoken is better w/ your parents - do whichever you think would be best received.

Say/ write about what they mean to you but that those positive feelings/experiences are being diminished b/c of their not being able to move past this. Tell them that your wish is for YOUR children to have such beautiful memories of their grandparents - but due to what is happening - you don't think that is going to be the case...(only you can really word this for your family) then offer a solution ..... like the other poster mentioned. Create a NEW / POSITIVE ritual to do with your whole family on these days... something that you know they like to do.... and ask them directly - will you do this with us?

If they don't agree to it, then for your sake and for your children's sake (as this is a horrible example to be witnessing re: dealing with loss/grief) tell them that you will not be able to join them on this day (or the pre & post month's of depression). That you must provide your children with the tools to handle things like this (as death it is an inevitable occurrence) and that if they can't help you with that then you must do what you need to do for your family.

RE: your husband not honoring Mother's day - I'm sorry. The day is about honoring a mother's role in the family.... and that should cross all cultural boundaries. Again, I would ask or write a note to him and let him know that the day is important to you and that it's important to you that you raise children who understand and respect the role of a mother. If he refuses to do anything - well then YOU make it a special day for you and your children and when they are old enough - let them know that YOU did it b/c you want THEM to honor the women they marry/ know that they should be honored if you have daughters (no in the hallmark way of course... but in the 'simple and from the heart way).

You don't mention father's Day re: your Hubby... set the example there too. Do it for him so that your children learn to honor both parents/spouses. Best of luck to you.

I think you might need to take a different approach to it.
The grieving has gone on a long time.
You might have to accept they will always be this way for this holiday.
If that is the way it is always going to be, the only way for you to have a happier day is to step away from it a bit and do some things on your own.
I don't think your grandmother would ever want her death to be a cause of depression year after year after year.
Yes. it's alright for everyone to miss her, but people get so caught up in looking back they don't leave themselves open to looking forward, and motherhood is all about looking forward.
It's time for you to do something new.
Maybe not this year, but next year celebrate Mother's day with your folks early - away from the anniversary of the death - so that when the real day comes up, you and your kids can do something together that doesn't involved a visit to the graveyard.

What about plants in pots? Small shrubs or roses or something that could be moved from place to place? Maybe decorate them with the kids to have handprints or show them that they still have family that loves THEM, something tangible they can look at when they feel sad. If your dad doesn't do flowers, what does he do? Might he like if you gathered photos and put them in a rotating digital frame? I would try to build them up in advance/all year long.

Or maybe find a charity each woman would like and make a donation in her memory every year. Or make it a family project to find a new one each year. There are so many.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Loss is so hard on the holidays especially! I lost my dad almost 8 years ago and some things never get back to "normal" - I no longer get to see my mom on Mother's Day because she goes up north to her new cabin every year - my kids miss out on that, too.
Have you thought of spending time with each parent with your hubby and kids along? The kids may make the day more enjoyable - and you're teaching them to not only honor you but your mother and grandmothers also. For us it's a family day and we have a big picnic with my fiance's extended family the day before so we can all do what we want on Mother's Day. And we always bring his grandma flowers or a potted plant - you could have each of your kids decorate a small pot for your mom and grandmothers and give them on Mother's Day.
Best of luck and Happy early Mother's Day!

What about a change of atmosphere? It's nice to have traditions and routines, but this one sounds like maybe it's gotten mundane or too sad. Get your dad out of his house for a few hours? Have him over to your house for dinner instead? What about including your kids in your celebration with your mom? Visit and clean the grave on a different day. Is there a public garden you can take her to see? Let your kids run around somewhere. We have a beautiful arboreteum up here. One of my MIL's favorite Mother's Day is when we all went to the arboreteum. My boys got to run around and we viewed the beautiful gardens. We also have a conservatory with beautiful flowers. Do you have something like that? Best wishes and Happy Mother's Day.

wow how tough for you-thats alot for you to carry for both parents-both my folks are gone also-thank god my kids are all about MOM to divert my attention-but i think you need to tell both parents to start focusing on the living-its ok to miss them-but their both missing the joy of the ones that are alive-you n your kids-my mom died labor day wkend-i use to just dread that wkend coming up-i would get physically ill for the whole wkend-until it occurred to me i was doing this to myself-i went thru this for 11 yrs.last yr was the first time i wasnt tied up in total misery-i focused on other things.part of the depression is being angry that their gone-tell your folks its ok to be mad..it does make it better to let loose,helped me alot-good luck

oh no! it's wonderful to love and miss our loved ones when they go, but it *should* be a sadness that's permeated with joy for having had someone so loved in our lives, and it *should* become more manageable with time.
naturally everyone grieves differently and this has to be allowed for.
but i'm really sad for you that your mother's day, which should be at least largely about YOU, is getting saturated with mourning.
can you plant a flower or a tree somewhere else? we have memorial trees for my BIL at my house and my SIL's for him.
maybe start a little sweet memorial ritual, watch slides or create a photo montage and put a piece of cake in front of it for her, or while the hamburgers are grilling, everyone sing her favorite song. it's nice to include her in the celebrations, but the day should not be sad, or all about grief.
i'm glad they're on anti-depressants. might some therapy also be in order?
i hope your mother's day is a joyful one! i still miss my mom (gone over 40 years) and am grateful for the other mother figures in my life.
khairete
S.

I have struggled with Mothers Day every year since my mom passed. But, it gets a little easier every year. It's been 5 yrs now and I am finally looking forward to it and not dreading it. The thing is....no one in my family knew I was struggling. I didn't want to burden my kids with my issues and dampen thier day. I think it's very selfish and it dishonors the effort you put out for the guest of honor to be pining away in grief. So, in essence, I had to "fake it till I made it." I put on a happy face and accepted all thier love and gifts even though I was really lost in my own guilt. And that's what it was....guilt! I felt so bad for not being better to my mom and now it's too late to fix it. The better my family treated me, the less I felt I deserved it. Now, finally after 5 years, I have been able to forgive myself and now I can enjoy my family and live in the present.
Forgiving myself took a lot of support from the moms here on mamapedia. I confessed my struggle and was given great advice. It took a lot of prayer and self searching. I've been able to forgive myself through my faith in the God's Grace. Once you spend some time trying to understand The Grace of God, things sort of fall into place. My suggestion would be to give them each a book on forgiveness and Grace. I might also mention to them, in kindness and love, that it is dihonoring thier memory to be so sad. That they would want to be remembered in celebration, not tears, and that it is hard for the kids to know how unhappy they are when all they want to do is celebrate. Let them know that you want the opportunity to enjoy them while they are still here, so you wont have any regrets or guilt once they pass.

Maybe you can see who can come up with the happiest memory of time spent with the loved one.The sillier, the better. Either record it all or have someone type it up. Then copy and share the stories (of course sent later). Hopefully remembering joyful or silly times will help.

I lost my mom 5 years ago, to cancer when my oldest was 9 months old, and my youngest two were not even thoughts yet. I am sad on Mother's day as well, but not to the point of driving everyone else into depression. Thats a bummer really. To top off my sadness, my husband is of a culture that does not celebrate being a mother with a whole day and gifts. So he does NOTHING for me. The kids occasionally give me card or gift, but we do nothing special and dont make a deal about it.

I guess if there isn't much you can do, its a grieving process for them. I would just take them out for the day? if its nice get them out for a walk or a meal, or a show.