It is happening again. Every year, we usally go to the inlaws house the day after Christmas. For some reason, they always seem to invite other folks over every time we come up. They ALWAYS invite their next door neighbors. These folks are very nice, but frankly we just don't have anything in common with them. It is always uncomfortable and strained. Naturally, my DH will never say anything to his Mom about this eventhough he feels the same way that I do. This came up with his Mom in a conversation over the summer. She was complaining about this neighbor...long story, but I used that as my opening. I did tell her that we didn't have anything in common with these folks and we were always uncomfortable.
So, now that plans are made...it appears that the neighbors are coming again. DH's parents see these people ALL of the time, so it's not an instance of rarely seeing them. SO, at this point, MIL KNOWS that DH and I are both uncomfortable with these folks. It is almost like she is doing this on purpose. She has a history of being quite passive agressive.
And NO I don't want to host the celebration...it is WAY more stress and work for me to do so. Seriously, why do they have to invite their neighbors over EVERY time we visit? Is it too much to expect a visit to just be family? Does anyone else have a passive agressive MIL?
Seriously....I wish there was a dislike button because I am truly not being snooty or selfish here. I should have been clearer here....this is really not about the holdiay itself. DH's parents have lived in their house for about 4 years. We go up there multiple times per year and EVERY time we visit, they end up inviting these neighbors. It doesn't matter if it is on a holiday or not...these neighbors get invited to everything.
I NEVER said that I didn't like the neighbors. I said that they were nice, but we really don't have anything in common...making conversation pretty difficult.
Again, I DO realize that we cannot determine the guest list and it is their "shindig". However, since MIL knows that we are uncomfortable and they see these people ALL of the time, I thought that maybe they could visit with them on a day that we are not there.
Do you think she wants to "show off" her wonderful son, dil and grandkids?
There is a reason she invites them, just go and be nice and have a good time.
She may have invited the neighbors because she's done so for years and if she stops now, they may wonder if there's a problem that they're not aware of. So it may not have anything to do with you and your family as much as it does with "tradition."
I would very nicely say to her, "I look forward to seeing you all soon. It would be so nice to have a visit with the family without non-family members involved for once. Do you think there will be a time this season we can do that without your neighbors?"
Then, I would drop it and bite my tongue if they show up. Or, host despite the fact you don't enjoy it. I don't think she is passive aggressive, I think it's a tradition for her and it would likely be awkward to disinvite them after so many years. She obviously has her reasons these neighbors are invited.
Why would you be uncomfortable and strained if they are there? Just enjoy yourselves and have fun. Your opinions matter, but they aren't the only ones involved. The in-laws and the neighbors like to be together. That's the way the hostess wants it done. I wouldn't waste a minute being upset about it. In fact, take them a bottle of wine or something. Go with the flow. Get know them. They might be pretty entertaining after a couple glasses of wine.
I agree that now it sounds like a tradition that may be uncomfortable for your MIL to break at this point. So switch it up. Suggest getting together on Christmas Eve or another day very close to the holiday. Good luck!
I suggest that she invites the neighbors again because it's become a tradition. I wouldn't assume its a passive aggressive move. It's just the easiest thing to do. I also suggest that she may not be aware that you'd prefer that they not be invited. And, tho you're not close with the neighbors they are and may feel like they're part of their family. Or this may be a party to your in-laws and not just a family get together. I do not see this as a passive aggressive move.
I share my immediate family with friends. Our Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners include family friends. My friends know my family through my sharing with them during the rest of the year. Our philosophy is the more the merrier.
I suggest that you be direct and specifically state what you want instead of hinting during the summer. She's probably forgotten the conversation by now. It's a bit late to do so now but next November specifically tell her that you'd like to have the gathering to be just family. Many families have friends over the day after Christmas. Perhaps you could get together with them on a different day? Be willing to compromise. It's their lives too.
i agree with Marda, and if you're not hosting it you cant be upset. If it was at your house and you invited your family along with them, whether they got along or not they'd have to enjoy the holiday together with you. If you want alone time, you can J. say we love seeing everyone, is there a way t can end early and we can have some special time with you guys without the neigbors? or yo can come early to see them without the neigbors
I'm a bit surprised by your mentality here. My goodness.
I'm afraid it's THEIR shindig, not yours. They are hosting so they decide who the guests are. You don't get a say in the matter unless you host. It's rude to say that you don't like the host's guests. Very bad manners.
They invite their neighbors because they want them there. They're obviously friends on SOME level (friends do sometimes have arguments/differences). Maybe those neighbors don't HAVE any family to share the holiday. Maybe your in-laws are more giving than you and would like to share their holiday instead of being snooty and selfish.
Bottom line, I think you're being pretty unreasonable in your expectations...and pretty passive aggressive yourself. Look in the mirror and consider trying to be a nicer, more generous person; consider giving them a chance, instead of judging others based on being "uncomfortable and strained."
LOL I laughed when I read your title because my in-laws are truly the most joyLESS people I know. Even when they are ecstatic--hard to tell.....
Anyway, it's their house, they can invite whoever they'd like. You, in return, have the option of going or not.
Do you see your in-laws throughout the year or are you traveling far to see them? If it's not a twice-yearly visit, I don't think you can dictate their guests.
Maybe your husband's mother does't feel she has that much in common with you? If you don't want to host and your husband wants to see his parents you have three choices:
Go as usual and make nice
Don't go and send your husband and kids
Start your own traditions and be a hostess with the mostess!
Blessings....
I'll bet they are afraid to offend the neighbors by breaking tradition now and excluding them. It probably has nothing to do with you. I'm amazed at how many people keep up traditions they dread and would really like to change just because they are afraid someone will be get mad or be offended. The way I see it, if you and DH are feeling the same about this, you have 2 choices. 1) You can skip the get together. Make other plans. Have DH tell his parents very gently that you are shying away from bigger holiday gatherings which include people you don't know as well as family. Try it one year. See what happens. Or 2) (and I know you said you don't want to do this), but you can host a much smaller group and not invite anyone you don't want to spend time with.
I would ask for a family only event. I might even let the neighbors know it was my preference. My niece-in-law wanted to combine visiting family with all her friends. When they weren't there, on Christmas day, she was texting or phoning them. I pointed out I don't count this as a family event when all these outsiders are popping in or calling all day. It has not happened since.
I was also rude to her friends "What does your family think about you being here Christmas day instead of with them?"
I do have a passive agressive, two-faced MIL too. I used to invite outsiders so she would behave better. It works/
I have a passive aggressive MIL AND hubby :) It's mostly because they don't like conflict and get all squirmy with issues being put right out there on the table.
Passive Aggressive people usually don't have much of a backbone so I am sure it was impossible for your MIL to tell these neighbors not to come this year. Especially if they have been showing up for several years past they probably assume it s a standing invite and how is your MIL supposed to "uninvite" them now? If she is passive aggressive she will never do that. It's probably not about sticking it to you guys and inviting them anyway, it's more like she can't undo what she started with them coming every year and is too afraid to try.
(unless MIL is subtly trying to tell you she'd rather have you there on Xmas Eve or Xmas day... and this is her way of saying "well if you won't come when I want you to, you're stuck with the neighbors on the day after").
As you see I have experience in these shenanigans. Though my MIL would go about it differently, they have their ways of getting what they want and "protesting" when they don't :)
I think you're stuck with the neighbors. You tried.
I know what you're talking about - growing up, my family always invited over what my sister & I dubbed "strays" (the new single person at work who was far away from home, the newly-divorced mother & her kids, the never-married co-worker & sometimes her sister visiting from Thailand). Now that I'm older, I see that they were kindly & generously opening their home & holiday celebrations to those who weren't fortunate enough to have family with which to spend big days on the calendar. Your in-laws may be very comfortable having these people to their house, and it is their house, so they are welcome to invite whomever they wish - they aren't asking to bring these people to your house, are they? Maybe you could look at it from an open-hearted point of view? Would it make you sad to think that your asking they not be invited resulted in them sitting all alone next door, staring at the TV, when they could have been enjoying the warmth & laughter of their nice neighbors? Maybe you could make an effort to get to know them a little bit, since you'll probably be seeing them every year. Relax about that small particular - it's maybe not how you would have Christmas, but it's how they do it. It's really not a big deal in the whole scheme of things, is it?
