Cheating or Jealousy

So how did the talk go?

It sounds like he's not being transparent with you. Even if he's not cheating, that is a serious problem.

You could be me talking a few years ago. They say that if your husband cheats you more then likely already know the girls name because he will talk about her more then others without even realizing it. That was certainly the case with me. He had talked about, and even hung out with, other co-workers before and that was fine, but with this one girl I just knew something was not right, I could feel it in my gut the way you talk about. I did tell him at one point that his friendship with this girl made me uncomfortable and I would appreciate if he backed off it. He got mad, saying it was not fair of me to expect him to leave a friend, it was then I knew my gut was right. IF he had not already been having sex with her then my comfort level and peace of mind would have come way above hers, I was his life partner after all. I let his lies continue for a while unsure of what to do next, but then one day the phone rang and it was HER husband on the other end, telling me she had confessed after he had had similar suspicions. I learned some valuable lessons from it all, and the first one was to trust my instincts, we have them for a reason. Second is that, when you do talk to him about this, if he tries to make you feel badly, crazy, jealous, or like you are being unfair to him, rather then supportive and open, then that is a huge red flag.

Here is what I will say - and I say this with experience on both ends of this spectrum (being paranoid AND being cheated on).

It doesn't really matter if he is or if he isn't. What matters is that YOU feel a chasm in your relationship. My advice is to talk to him about how you feel.

A good exercise I learned in therapy is to use statements that are constructed this way:
When you.......... I feel.......
For example: When you went out with co-workers for food and didn't tell me, I felt that you might be hiding something because you would usually call if you have those kinds of plans.
Make sure you don't use "polarizing statements" which means using "never" or "always".

However, I will caution you that if he's too overwhelmed to buy a house or have a baby, you may not get very far with the above conversation. Therefore, I would suggest you make an appointment to talk with a therapist that specializes in relationship therapy. Just you. By yourself. You will be able to make some decision that have to do with YOU - not him. Which is kind of where your head needs to be with this kind of stuff.

Here is the other thing I will suggest to you before you go down this path. And let me say first that I had to know..... had to find out. Because the "truth" was the most important thing to me. However, the "truth" destroyed my relationship and it took me a LONG time to recover. Make sure you want to know the answers before you ask the questions.

So - What are you going to do with the information? So, if you find out he is cheating.... what will you do? Leave him? Move back to the town you lived before? What about your other child? etc etc etc.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's a sucky path, no matter which way the journey takes you.

Based on what you wrote, which is one side of the story, it sounds like he's stepping out on you. But it's one side of the story and you admitted you tend to be jealous and have "your mind play tricks on you". So who really knows?

If I were you I would ask your husband if he is cheating on you, or thinking about cheating on you with someone at work. Explain why you are concerned and above everything else, be calm when you talk to him. You'll get more answers that way.

I agree that you need to tell him how you're feeling using I statements. Do not accuse. Just ask in a nonconfrontive way. If he tells you he isn't spending time with anyone then decide together what he can do to alleviate your fears. If he's evasive ask for more information. Focus on you wanting to make your relationship work. Ask him if he needs anything from you.

I suggest this may need several conversations.

My first question is are you seeing the overtime in the pay stub? If he is working overtime, he is getting paid overtime. IS that reflected in the money coming home?

I agree with the post that states you need to show up and certain times with goodies. Trust me, it works. =)

Next a real conversation needs to be had between you and hubby. Why is he overwhelmed? You also need to do something for yourself. Please do not get pregnant right now.

Be careful that you really want to know the truth. Once you do, you can't go back regardless.

well, there are a couple of things going on here. the first one is your own admitted issue with jealousy. it's awesome that you recognize this. so you may well be being paranoid, but then again, that doesn't necessarily rule out a real problem.
ever read 'anna karenina'? it's this sort of issue- does a gut feeling about cheating mean that your spidey-sense is tingling because you're actually tuned in? or does believing that you've got a cheatin' partner actually push a faithful partner INTO cheating out of exasperation?
i agree that from what you write, his behavior has some red flags.
you could snoop. it would be tempting to snoop. it would be more honest and true to your commitment to your marriage to be upfront and straightforward about it. 'babe, i'm not comfortable with some of the things that have been going on. you're not being totally honest with me about the extra hours you're putting in, you're not wanting to follow through on the plans we made when moved here, and you seem pretty checked out to me. i don't want to be suspicious sally, but i can't help but worry. i'm asking you to help me out with this by communicating better, and to remember that your family should take priority over a girl co-worker with family troubles.'
his reaction to your simple plea for you to be his first concern will give you some valuable input.
whatever HE'S up to, some counseling to help deal with your own jealousy issues wouldn't be a bad idea. nor would couples counseling to help you two communicate better.
the latter won't do much good if he's cheating, and without his side of the story to consider, it does seem a possibility from what you've written here. but strengthening your own psyche is a good idea no matter what.
regardless, i strongly suggest you do NOT get pregnant right now. it might be tempting since that was the plan, and in desperation it might feel like a good way to refocus him on you. but you don't want to do that until your calm and confident that you'd be bringing another baby into a secure committed family situation.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I knew my ex changed really significantly. I just wasn't exactly sure why and I investigated and it was an affair.
Your husband's behavior is raising red flags, but its also from your perspective which could be skewed. When you ask, if he denies it will you believe him? If it really doesn't matter what he says, then do some investigative work on your own. Pull your cell records as he may be deleting messages. Surprise him at work with breakfast, lunch or to take him out for dinner when he's supposedly working late.

Just know that IF there is something else going on. You can't un-know it. There are questions that you'll think of that you don't need the answers to. Some questions should not be asked b/c knowing the details really doesn't change anything. It's just something to think of.

Yes, you do need to talk with him. Not at him or to him, but with him. It is not a good sign that you seem to be unwilling or unable (or just not practiced) at talking with your own husband about something difficult.

You also mention that you have a tendency toward jealousy, which I think is a sign that -- whether or not he's actually cheating -- you, yourself, might benefit from therapy so you can dig up why you tend to be jealous overall.

However, in the specific situation right now, both you and he are in the perfect bad scenario for a marriage to have serious issues.

Think about it: First, you have just moved, which is unsettling, and means you have both lost whatever daily contact you had with friends or relatives who lived near you in your old town. So you both have lost the people who might have helped ground you --and who knew you as a couple. Second, your husband has a new job; the newness of it is feeding your suspicions (even if he's doing nothing wrong) and also gives him opportunities (IF he's inclined to do something wrong) to find new "support systems" whom you don't know. Third, this is a workplace where the office part results in "everyone" being "really drunk" -- which could be an indicator it's not the greatest work environment for a family guy.

There is a lot to tempt him in this setup. He may also be regretting the move, not liking the job, or liking the fact he's meeting some new coworkers who are overly interested in him as the new guy. For you, there is a lot to feed your jealousy -- whether it's accurate or just in your head -- because you don't have your own support system, friends, hobbies, church or other institution, etc. yet.

That's why it sounds like both of you need to have a serious talk. Don't let him brush it off or put it off -- "Oh, let's talk at the weekend" or "OK, we can talk but I have to go out the door in five minutes" and so on. Please do use those "I feel" and "I find that..." and "When X happens, it makes me feel..." statements -- those wordings will help you NOT put him on the defensive. Maybe there are things you don't know yet about his job that are making him go in early and stay late; his new boss could be a jerk who expects everyone to work all the time and is ignorant about families, but maybe you just don't know that yet.

I would talk and I would also seriously consider a counselor or therapist for you, but also a couples counselor since you seem unable to approach him like a wife should be able to approach a husband. I do agree overall that his behaviors are reasons to be concerned, and if there is an explanation he needs to give it, but neither of you talks to the other frankly, it appears.

One detail was a red flag for me. He went out with people from work for food "because a coworker was having troubles." In any couple I know, if there was going to be an unexpected meal out, the spouse would call the spouse at home to say, "Hey, I won't be home for dinner because...." so the spouse at home didn't wait for dinner together, etc. And while it's good he admitted he was with someone who is having troubles, he did so only when you questioned him. He might be avoiding telling you things because he is totally innocent but has learned you will interpret things as reasons to be jealous, so he says nothing. Or he might be holding back because there IS reason to be jealous. This is why a real, adult conversation is needed, and probably counseling -- so you can learn to judge better about jealousy and he can learn to communicate and not hide.

If he's getting OT he should be getting more money. If not, HUGE red flag. You can always check his phone, computer and drive to work to see if he's there when he should be. But be warned, once you start snooping, you may likely find something you won't like. Be ready for what you are going to do about what you find. Good luck.

A large change in behavior is a huge red flag.
What the heck does he care about the family problems of a coworker that much for?
Is there more $ in his pay check?
Are the OT hours noted?
Who knows? I've got a friend that was just completely 100% blindsided by her husband, but MY OPINION is that where there's smoke? There's fire.
Good luck!

It's time to have a talk about it. Get your little one down to bed tonight and go in your room, shut the door, and talk. It's also time for you to schedule a meeting with a counselor. I don't think you are being jealous. I think you are uncomfortable with some changes in his behavior and you have EVERY right to express your discomfort. Stand by how you feel, until you get the answers that you need.

I think there are 2 problems here. One is that you have issues with jealousy. That has to do with your self-esteem, and it's something you should explore with a counselor (clergy, therapist, social worker, etc.). It's part of your own personal growth to work on this, and you will never be happy whether or not your husband is cheating.

Someone in my family has this with her husband - role reversal though because he is the one insanely jealous of her. He doesn't think she should ever work in a company that employs any men at all "because men and women working together doesn't work" - which is completely impractical. He goes through her phone, etc., and he's gotten so drunk at her company functions that he bad-mouths the boss. Not good.

On the other hand, your husband is not only spending more time at work and talking a lot about one of the women, he's not be direct with you about his work schedule. A good marriage includes both partners informing the other of what they're doing, what their schedule is. A man with a young child doesn't spend a ton of extra time socializing with office folks without telling his wife about it.

So I'd advise you, first off, to take steps to not get pregnant right now. I'd also suggest you talk to him with the style suggested below ("When you X, I feel Y.").

I also think you can take some very direct steps (which will be great if he's not cheating and which he will resent if he is cheating). You can stop by the office at 6 PM to bring him some dinner since he's not home. If he's truly working late, he'll appreciate it. You'll get to know those in the office and be seen as a supportive and involved wife. You can take a plate of cookies or banana bread to all those hardworking folks who are working overtime. If they aren't there, then you act confident but bewildered. You can only pull this off if you are confident, though, and have responses planned that do not include a breakdown, a screaming fight, etc. - absolutely inappropriate in a workplace, and they will backfire on you. So you have to say, in a super cheerful tone, "I wanted to meet all of your coworkers and bring you all some sweet treats." If they're all going out for dinner, then you say, "Oh we should plan an event so all of the spouses and partners can come too!"

A friend of mine did this when her husband was spending an inordinate amount of time with another woman at the gym, parking next to her car and going for coffee before or after. She put both kids in the car and drove right to the coffee place, saying, "Hi, I thought you might be here so we decided to join you for a fun family breakfast." Then she looked at the other woman and said, with a big smile and confident tone, "Hi, I'm Jane, Joe's wife. So very nice to meet you. What's your name?"

But you sound like you need to do some other work first, to build yourself up. I think you need some help for that, and then you can strategize some techniques with your husband that will mesh with your personality and the state of your relationship. Having an objective source like a counselor is a great first step.

Talk to him and update us tomorrow. I wouldn't mention the specific woman but that he has really changed and it makes you uncomfortable etc. I am curious as to his response.

Spouses get tired of living with spouses who are jealous and needy. They feel abused to a degree.

He is probably tired of you making these assumptions and he might even be cheating because of it. Finding a normal relationship, even if it's with a friend, is so.....wonderful.

Has he cheated? Has he had affairs? Do you know for a fact and he's admitted them or are they just in your imagination?

I had panic attacks for years before and after I married my husband. I would freak out if we got stuck in traffic and he'd have to drive back roads a lot because I couldn't handle some situations.

It's like claustrophobia and the traffic has me trapped as much as being in a closed coffin would be trapping me. That's how my mind had it anyway.

He went to Dallas with his mom for a long weekend one time and he drove. When he came back he laid it out for me. He said he'd forgotten what it was like to drive in traffic like a normal person and he wasn't accommodating me anymore. That if I couldn't deal with traffic I could stay at home because he was going to drive normally.

OMG!!

I was furious but within a week I'd had enough of sitting at home. So I went with him places and suddenly, since I was having to deal with real life and not the imagination that my panic attacks were showing me I found I was fine in traffic, totally fine. I stopped having panic attacks in traffic. I did have 1 more, I was driving and alone in the vehicle. I was in the right lane and 3rd in the row at a red light. I about flipped out when I realized where I was. I almost got out of my car and started walking away to get out of traffic.

I thought about how I'd been with my husband all week and how I'd come to forget all about traffic. I calmed myself down and said NO MORE!

So now I do traffic all the time. I hardly even think about it.

Because my husband had enough and told me to stop it or else.

I had to face that "I" owned the problem and "I" was in charge of me. YOU are in charge of you and if he's cheating it's because you might have pushed him there with your jealousy and irrational thoughts.

So please get into counseling. Even if he is cheating you need to fix you. You can't be part of a healthy relationship as long as you are having this sort of jealously.

If he's sneaking around to go out to eat with normal people so he doesn't have to come home to you then you have to accept that you need to make changes inside you. Once you have some time in the chair and have started working through your childhood or teen or young adult issues that this is based on he needs to come in for a few joint sessions so he can see what you're working through and that it's helping. Then you can start to move forward.

Sounds like you need to put the emotions aside, and find out some facts. Don't let the fact that you've been jealous in the past stop you from fact-finding.

Is he getting paid for overtime? Is he working overtime? Is early morning overtime a real thing? Find out.

Who else works that same overtime? Find out.

Overwhelmed with what? Are his points valid?

Did he really go out with "everyone" to eat after work? Or just that girl? That's actually a hopeful sign: the eating. In a full-fledged affair they wouldn't waste time in a restaurant for that 1 1/2 hr..although if he was at a restaurant and not really working overtime: Bad sign.

Find out what is going on by whatever means necessary. Put aside your guilt. You don't have to be angry and shrew-like when you go in to check on him, just stop by his work. Scary I know when you're afraid you'll walk in on them laughing and skipping around together hand in hand, but if you can't get answers by asking, do what you need to. I was one of those ladies who felt people would think I was out of line to go to hubbie's work...other wives stopped by like it was just a nice normal thing to do. They had it right.

Until you find out facts you'll have nothing but suspicion which only festers and grows and never gives you the truth.

This IS strange behavior. You ARE justified. Sometimes ladies are jealous with no cause. Sometimes there is cause.

I spent a lot of years being trusting and easy-going. When I finally grew the balls to start snooping like any other normal wife would I found mountains of horror. I could have been out of my horrible marriage years sooner if I had been a little more aware earlier on.

If you check into the work thing and there's no foul play, yay. No reason for jealous antics. If there is, you need to know.

Take it from me, he's cheating. You have plenty to go on, time to start checking his phone for proof.