Chores Done Without Yelling

I can so relate- I just tell my kids no tv, video games or snacks until its done. they want me to take them to the village pool- I ask is the basement cleaned up? when they do a good job they get a marble we can cash in marbles later for going out for ice cream, $ a book at the bookstore. Never take a marble out of the good jar. they will loose their motivation.

A suggestion I heard once is called the "silent butler." At the end of the day whatever isn't picked up is collected by you, the silent butler, and put away for a specified amount of time or until the kids earn it back by being responsible with their things. Being consistent is the key!

Check out housefairy.org It's a nice non-confrontational system of cleaning up for kids that works pretty well. I think most of us know that a lot of times our kids will listen to someone else before they listen to their own parents :) There are a lot of free tools on there that you can use if you don't want to pay the $13 subscription fee. Good luck!

Hi A.- I have 4 kids ages 9,7,5, and 2. We also have the basement problem. I try to set up a "lets get it done so we can..." strategy and hold fast. ex let's get the basement cleaned so we can go to the pool/park/. Set it up HOURS before you really want to go and go down reminding them of the plan. It does work although I do often go down and help towards the end. That being said we have "missed" activities and/or rewards for not "taking care of business".
Good Luck
Beth

check out a book called "creative corection."

I also feel your pain! I have twin 8 yr olds that try my very same patience with that subject. I can only say that the best thing we do is take 5-10 min each day to clean up and do it as a race to see who can get the most in that amount of time. Yes this doesn't get it all and I have to encourage some days to do this but if I do it with them they tend to be more willing plus that much more gets picked up from me helping. Just something to try
-ps-if they are whining I'll put the cd player on and say they have 2 certain songs to get it done by, it helps drown out the first minute of whining that they sometimes try

Hi--I know you got a lot of responses so will add a brief suggestion that worked with my kids. Break down the "how-to's" for them and write them on index cards, ie. "Stuffed animals in bin", "Cars & car stuff in box" "Art stuff in caddie". The index cards become a deck of cards that you shuffle and allow each kid to take turns from picking from the deck (you will have to adjust this to include the 3 yr. old if he ends up with too difficult a task, so maybe someone could trade for a more agae appropriate task). Set a timer for 10-15 minutes and at the end of the time the one who completes all his/her tasks gets "whatever". Hope this helps, it worked great for us!

Hi There -

My kids are almost the exact same ages. We have the same messy basement issue. What works for us is to put on fun music (loud...it seems to help motivate everyone including me), then we all work together. If they stop working (and working fast), then mom stops working and they have to finish alone. As long as they are working hard and fast they are earning my assistance--if they slow down or get too distracted, then I stop and they finish on their own. It's a trick I learned from my own mom when we were doing dishes at night. We hated the thought of mom leaving mid-mess (and it was soooo hard to finish alone, so we worked hard to keep her helping us). ALSO - when I help, I usually help sort stuff into piles (barbie stuff, blocks, legos, trains, etc.) Then the mess is more organized and easier for them to manage. They know where things go and know how to put the piles in the right spot. It's overwhelming to them when there are bits and pieces of stuff scattered everywhere. Also, it takes them forever on their own because they take one lego and drop it in the box, then come back for one block to drop in the box. When I help sort they take a whole pile of leggos or blocks at a time and it goes much faster. Hope this helps! Good luck!!!

Oh - I almost forgot...also set the timer! This works so well for us. I know that we can usually clean the basement in 20 minutes if we all work really hard together. They love the "try to beat the timer" trick. It also helps them realize it doesn't have to take all day. In their minds it seems like thte task is so big it will take hours and hours. With the timer they realize it isn't that bad.

You have a few options:
1. All do clean up once a day together as a time together activity
2. All do it together less often again as a together activity.
Reading the book Smart love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper helped me a lot to better understand where children are developmentally. Many children are not great at doing chores and fighting with them about it doesn't really help in the long run unless you like conflict in your home. And even if you "make them" by yelling etc, this has a negative effect on your relationship with them. Alfie Cohen's book Unconditional parenting is also good on developing a more rapport based parenting style. Part of it is recognizing where they are developmentally and basically chilling out and the other is dialoging on the topic and working it out together. Even asking them to develop a plan for getting it done with you. You may have other things to do but in reality much of our "other things" can be left undone and getting it done by screaming and fighting not only is hard on everyone but doesn't serve you well or your relationships in the family well in the long run. I don't mean to suggest that you just let them off the hook and run wild. But there is a third way. Also, if you must have things done a certain way, then the only way you will be happy with them is doing it yourself and you might want to think about whether that is a control thing. Good Luck.

They seem to be at the age where they should start to learn responsiblity for their own messes as well as other chores to help you out(even the 3 year old can do some very simple tasks). One idea to accomplish this
is to have them put a marble in a jar once a task is completed. When the jar is filled then they all get a special treat. An ice cream outing or a game of boweling.

Another idea is to check out www.payjr.com.

I don't know if you give them an allowance or not. I found this web site on line when I was searching for a chore chart. For me it was a life saver, yelling is now a rarity.

It is split into two categories, under age 12 and 13 and over. You assign chores to each child. They give you chore suggestions or you put your own in. When a task is compelted the child checks it off. This may require assistance depending on the age.

They do not get to choose if they want to do the task or not. They still have to complete the chore. You then go in later and approve it or deny it. You choice the amount they get paid for each chore. The kids love to see the amount add up. It is a great insentive. My suggestion is not to check it off each time. Wait till the evening, this can be a before bed time ritual.

This is for Mom's with older kids if they are reading this.
For kids over 13 you can choose to have their allowance put on a master card or visa cash card. You pick the thresh hold amount they have to reach before the amount is uploaded from your checking/savings account to their card. .(example... $10.00) It is not a credit card. It is used like a credit card when making purchases. I feel it gives the older kids a taste of what they will face as they get older. It teaches them how to use a ATM, what happens if they go over the amount and fees they get charged if mishandled.

You still have the option to use it the way you would for the under 12 age catagory. Where you pay them yourself. I personally find it more of a hassle when they are older and allowance money has increased. I often forget or don't have the cash on hand.

My kids also know that there are other chores on the list they don't get paid for. They are still responsible for family chores to help keep the household running smoothly and help one another as a team.

Allowance is a privlage not a right.

Here's a little idea of how it works:

Enroll for Free

Track Chores Online

Teach Kids Responsibility

Reward Kids for Work

Financial Education

Helpful Reminders

Again the web site is www.Payjr.com

Mom of 2 kids age 13 and 15

Well, welcome to my world. I have a 17 year old son who recently graduated from high school. He is one of the nicest young men you could ever meet, will help anyone that needs help, he has no tattoos, no piercings and will not even wear pants with holes in them, he is a Big Brother and is a Royal Ranger Commander but....... His room looks like a tornado blasted through there. Six years ago my husband designed and built the house we now live in. He designed it so our son would have his bedroom up stairs. He has his own bathroom as well. It is his job to clean it all and 90% of the time it does not get done very well. I decided to pick and choose my battles and that is a battle I will never win so as long as he is up stairs and no one can see it, I just don't spend a lot of time worrying about it. He knows when he leaves for school in the fall that it will be cleaned by him or I will get the scoop shovel and do the cleaning my self.
As long as their stuff is down in the basement and the door can be closed to the outside world, I would ask myself is it worth the battle? Other I am sure will disagree with me (My sister does, she spend hours ever week yelling at her son to get cleaning. But her son barely talks to her because of all the yelling. Our son talks to us about everything). If you have made an attempt to get them to clean it up and they just will not, again I will say is it worth the battle?

Good Luck,
S.

First...I love your "little about me.....strengthen my ability". You're right! It's easy to give your opinion when you're on the outside looking in! Maybe, what I would do would be to do a "complete sweep" day - getting rid of things that they don't play with or removing things and putting them away for a "later time" (perhaps a month later when AMVETS comes-if it's something they really won't miss.) I suggested to my kids, a few years ago that they could have their own garage sale and keep the profits if EVERYTHING was cleaned out and organized. We went through everything! What didn't sell went to AMVETS (they are regulars in my neighborhood.) I gave them bins to help organize their stuff - label bins, nothing big - they will just become dumping grounds. They still do their own garage sale every year. (they make more money at it than I ever have at this location!) Make it a rule - once every week or two or whatever works for you, to take 30 minutes to re-organize it - working with them and teaching them what you expect. Then go do something fun. It gets so overwhelming, I know. When I get to the point where I'm yelling, things are already pretty disorganized and I hate hearing myself! It's almost easier for you and your husband to just organize it yourselves but you have to know that they are making the attempt. It's important for kids to take pride in their space....just today, I overheard my daughter's friend walk into my daughter's room and exclaim that her room "was soooo clean!"...she can be a bit of a tornado if I let her. Good luck!

I would use the extra fun things we were going to do as incentive. We would be going someplace fun the next day but I would say....we need to clean up the basement before our special day or we can't go on the special trip. My kids would jump right in and do a great job cuz they were so excited about the event we had planned. It's summer too, just relax and let them live in their own mess. If you get it cleaned a few times during the summer does it really matter as long as they are safe and having fun down there. Enjoy your time with your kids, my oldest graduated from high school this year and in a few weeks is going off to college. Focus on what's most important....having fun and making memories with your kids. They will be grown before you know it!!

Hi A.,

I have 2 girls (8 and 5) who keep their bedroom like that. All I can stress is STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE...you need to make them do it everyday. No TV or going outside until it is done. It will inconvenience you the first few times but they will catch on. Mine need to clean their rooms at the end of the day or they get no bedtime snack. That works for us.

C. T.

The basement is OVERWHELMING for me too! The easiest thing I have found for me and the kids is the 10 minute clean up! We do it usually in the morning before our day gets started. I set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes and it is basically a race to see how much we can get done. It never all gets done and it really does not get "clean" but it does put a big dent in things. Plus, it gets the kids to help!
Sometimes if we need to have it clean for company I throw in the "Ice Cream Sundae party". We clean at some point during the day and then for dessert I let them make their own icecream sundaes...as big as they want! They really like this reward!
Good Luck
J.

well, if no one else is in the basement with them, and you don't mind the shape of their toys, then let them have their mess. i would decrease the amount of new toys at b-days, etc, though. if they can't care for their things they don't get new ones.
on the flip side, if there are things OUT that they are still playing with, this isn't really a mess, it's just not "put away" and that might very well be your perception of mess. in that case, maybe a different perspective is all that you need!

We have a system set up where we have designated commission jobs and non-commission jobs. Most commission jobs (where they receive a set amount of money for any particular chore: for example emptying all the trash cans in the house is $.50.) include all areas and jobs in the house that everyone can do like mopping the floors, vacuuming the family, dusting etc. Non-commission jobs are not paid, they are expected as part of their responsibility of cleaning up after themselves. So their bedrooms have to be vacuumed, mopped, dusted and sheets changed each weekend. Then after those jobs are done they can choose jobs to complete that they do get paid for like cleaning bathrooms and stuff. Of course they also have jobs like setting the table and cleaning up after dinner or feeding the dog those jobs for us are also non commission. My older two who are 13 and 10 have been doing this for 2 years. I have two younger ones almost 6 and three who don't really participate. The 6 year old has to help me with his room and if he wants commission he does the jobs like take out the recycling or helping me with folding towels easy stuff also with set amounts. It has worked very well and I don't have to yell. That's not to say that everything is done to my liking, but at least I know some soap and elbow grease hit most of the spots. And my sons (13yr.old) room is still a pig sty with clutter, but at least he gets under it. Yesterday he asked me to remove the drawers from his platform bed so he can clean under it. He got the vacuum and cleaned it all out. Without my prompting I may add. Incorporate a simple system of your own that will work for you family, stick to it, and make sure they do get some kudos (and cash for their work).

hello
perhaps break it down for them. Let one be in charge of books, one of crafts, etc. Or make a list or schedule and hang it on the wall. Give them positive reinforcement. Perhaps if you have the room clean by Friday, we can all go out for ice cream and ride our bikes as a family to get there. Or they get an extra trip to the libray for books including an extra movie. I think sometimes, I have to stand there with my 5 and 4 year old to say. You are in charge of this. YOu are in charge of that. I think they need to learn how before they will do it on their own. Or set a timer so you are not there all day,just cleaning. good luck. We also have a playroom, that is hard to clean up. I am recentlly trying to cut down on the amount of toys so it's not so overwheliming, Good luck to you

Hello,

Thanks for this interesting article. I'm a step father of two teenage daughters and I can sing a song about chores. There is certainly a lot to say about how motivation works and why, etc... But in the end, from a purely pragmatic viewpoint, I just wanted this "problem" solved.

So, a while ago I set down and thought about how to make it somehow "cool" for our girls to do their chores. In the end it is all about recognition that motivates kids from within themselves. Well, I built a little web-application that truly did the trick. It converts chores into a playful competition and provides public recognition of everybody's deeds. It rewards completed chores in a meaningful way. Public recognition of what the kids did reassures them that their deeds don't pass unnoticed. THAT DID THE TRICK. You would not believe that ever since we put this program to work, our stuff is done!!!
You can try it yourself. It's Free:
www.smilingchores.com

I would love to hear your feedback and if it worked for anybody else. That would be terrific.

Many greetings,
O.

I watched an episode of "Super Nanny" about a year ago that changed our chore time permanently.

Here's what we did (based on what she did):

We cut out foam fish and attached paper clips to the back with electrical tape. On each fish we wrote a different chore that needed to be accomplished. Then we made a magnetic fishing pole with a piece of PVC pipe, rope and a magnet.

Every day/other day, depending on our schedule, the kids "fish" for 3 to 4 chores. Whatever chores they "catch" they then complete.

The first two weeks I helped each child learn how to do each chore. Now, they get up in the morning and acutally ask to fish for chores. They know what is expected and that they can get it done quickly.

It also took me out of the middle of "assigning" the chores. I don't get "that's not fair..." because they fished for the chore and that's the chore they got.

Some of the chores we have on our fish: garbage duty, empty/fill dishwasher, put away 10 items in their proper place...

J.