Let me start off by saying that I know I am being ridiculous and need to get a grip. That being said, my daughter, who is 9, is starting 4th grade soon and moving on to a new school. Her two best buddies in the neighborhood, who she sees EVERY day, we just found out, are in the same class. Now, my daughter does know a couple of girls in her class, and if the two girls from the neighborhood were in different classes, I wouldn't even be writing, BUT, they are and here is when my insanity kicks in. The three of them are very tight, but as in a typical triangle, someone tends to feel left out. Last time these two girls were in class together 2 years ago, my daughter was definitely the third wheel. Wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't adore them so much, but she does and she gets her feelings hurt pretty easily by them. Also, being that we all live within 2 feet of each other, it is in her face all of the time. At the bus stop, as school when play dates happen, etc. Any words of advice? I need to just put my big girl panties on and deal, right???
Thanks so much to you moms who have wrote so far. It's so good to not feel in a sea by myself. Thankfully my daughter does have other good buddies-one is here right now. It's more that these two girls are her closest buds and them all being in the neighborhood together makes it extra tough. It's so "in your face". I almost wish she didn't like them so much and didn't care as much as she does. Thankfully, though, she does have other friends. It's just this particular dynamic that is tough.
No, spending too much time together tends to make life worse for kids. They need that separation. I know how it is. I'd ask if my daughter could be put in a different classroom.
Encourage your daughter to branch out. I've always told my daughter its ok to make more than just a few close friends. And its ok that you don't always get along. She had a similar situation happen when she started school with a friend from her own school. Everything should have been great except when the friend started telling my daughter girls did not like her because they were getting closer to my daughter first.
Believe it or not she is still friends with this girl but now she knows that sometimes she just needs to break away from this friend and do things with another friend. I am constantly encouraging her to have more than just a couple friends. I'm not sure this will always work but so far it seems to be helping. (I also encourage her to make some "play dates" with more than the ones she is really close to.)
Yep you are right. Let your daughter work it out. This is a new year. The dynamics might be very different. Navigating friendships is part of growing up.
It sucks for your daughter, but maybe she needs to see this as an opportunity to branch out and form new friendships.
The "let her work it out" idea only goes so far at this age. She's not really a "tween" yet, in just fourth grade. You still control her time outside school.
If she's not in Girl Scouts (it must be a troop without either of these girls in it!), try that. Maybe a church kids' group if you're into church. Or other activities outside school that are based on her interests. Her friendships so far have largely been based on mostly proximity -- close neighbors, classmates. But by about fourth to sixth grade kids really need (well, I feel they need) to make some friends who share similar interests and activities, not just friends who happen to live close by or happen to be in the same classroom. Even if her neighbor-buddies get clique-ish and exclude her she will still have the refuge of "I have friends at dance class" or "I have friends at Girl Scouts" or in soccer, or at church, or whatever HER interest is.
Also be sure to help her cultivate other friendships in school. In the first weeks, be sure to suggest and follow through on a few playdates (yes, in fourth grade, you still must arrange these for her) with classmates who are new to her this year, or friends who are buddies but not the best-pals that the two neighbor girls are. If needed, come up with some activities for her to do with other kids that are not right there in your house and yard, so the neighbor girls don't see that she has someone over and then try to come over and horn in on a playdate with another child and your daughter.
If your child were older I might say let her handle it to an extent, but in fourth grade she does still depend on you to help her see other kids, and you might need to take the initiative here to push her toward playing with other kids and joining new activities (and then having play dates with kids from those activities if she likes).
I wouldn't get too involved in the tween politics. I wouldn't forbid her to play with them, but I'd encourage her to join a club, invite another classmate to the house, etc. Have a wider social circle. She doesn't need 50 friends. Just a few good ones. You can't bubble wrap her. If they consistently do x and y, then consider role playing with her to know how to respond to things like being excluded at lunch.
Don't worry about it...she'll be fine...new school + new faces = new friends.
Mine started middle school this year, with everybody he knew...and by thanksgiving what was left of "the 4 musketeers" (one moved out of state over the summer) disbanded amicably and made new friends and formed new groups and still sometimes eat lunch and do stuff together on occassion.
You said your daughter is starting 4th grade and a new school. So, I am assuming that the other girls have been going to school together this whole time.
You may find that things change once they are ALL in the same school. Your daughter could start to change the dynamic by inviting both girls over after school to do homework and hang out. I won't say "play date" because I think that's a ridiculous idea and because at 9 they are too old for play dates, IMHO. They just go out and play.
I'm surprised nobody mentioned this yet but I would definitely let the teacher know about the situation. Not that it will fix anything, but I'm sure she would appreciate knowing any weird dynamics that may pop up in the class.
I would also keep an open dialog with my daughter about friends and how they should treat each other. My son had a friend that would alternate being really nice to him and being just a little sh*t. I would point out to my son that if he was a true friend he wouldn't say nasty things that make my son feel bad. Just keep your eyes open for "teaching moments" when the situation fits.
Good luck!
I feel your pain. We've been dealing with it for years! Get her involved in activities that these two are not involved in. Girl Scouts, dance, gymnastics, cheer, art, acting.
I've always been honest with my kids, not mean or rude but honest. I'm not afraid to talk to them about how someone is being mean or rude. Sometimes I just sympathize with them and tell them they don't deserve to be treated this way. My daughter knows how to stand up for herself and she does. But she won't get involved with activities that would allow her to make friends. I wish I had pushed her when she was you daughters age.
We've dealt with this as well, and it's SO hard to watch your daughter's feelings be hurt. I never told her to stop being friends with anyone. I would make sure she had other opportunities to make other friends (which you said she has), and was just a good listener. When she would report this dynamic playing out, I would ask how it made her feel, etc., and what she did. I would also ask if she ever did this to anyone else. When she said no, I would remind her that she knows that it is hurtful and because she's a good friend she would never do this. This was mostly to plant the seed that she should expect to be treated better because she would treat others better. But tween friendships tend to change so much anyway, even for those who live close.
If it makes you feel better, my daughter had this same situation with neighbors. One girls lives just four houses away. Once my DD started doing different things with different girls, they just naturally drifted apart. They didn't see each other for almost two years in the neighborhood. Now that they are approaching high school, the other girl has started to reach out to touch base again, which my daughter is treading slowly with. But I'm glad nothing nasty happened before, so that it won't be awkward going forward.
Just be there for her when her feelings are hurt, and listen to what she says. She will get through this. It's probably harder on you than on her!!
