Co-Parenting As a Divorced Couple with Issues Around Religion and Decisions

With a divorce in the works, the last thing your daughter needs is her school world turned upside down as well. She will be be going through a very difficult time now and will need her peers and social setting for support.

If it was so important for your children to be exposed to Catholic traditions, you would have chosen a spouse of the same religion.

You said you "don't feel it's fair that he gets to make these decisions" though you also stated that you agreed to raise the children Jewish. You also had a hand in this decision to agree to the Jewish upbringing and school before her birth.

Please be sure that are not wanting to pull your daughter away from her Jewish heritage just to spite her dad during a divorce. You may be using this as an excuse to get close to your daughter because you will have less time with her. She will now spend her time visiting her mom and dad at their respective houses and lose the closeness she had with both of you.

I know I sound harsh but your daughter is stuck in a mess created by you and her dad and it's not her fault. I hope you do the right thing for her.

I can see why you divorced him. In the beginning when I was reading the question I thought you should stick to what you had planned with her being raised more jewish than catholic because that was a decision you made as parents. I am thinking you only made that choice because you really didn't have any other choice (his way or no way). This is ultimately about the child and not the parents. Is there a way that you can add in more of your catholic heritage and allow it to be cohesive with the jewish faith? This is what I hate about religion and why I don't see any need to claim any certain faith. It's not right that you guys can't come up with a medium because of his tendency to be the decision maker especially since you are separate and need to meet in the middle. We readers don't know what he is using as leverage to get you to comply...if it's just his stubbornness without any threats of a custody battle I would just put her into a traditional school and leave religion outside of that. There is no reason why she can't be neutral in both religions and have lessons outside of that. Just don't let it become about religion and not about her. Honestly in either faith she will be fine because they both believe in God and if either religion is discounting the other there is a problem. Believing in God is just that and the bible sets the precedence between right and wrong...plain and simple. I wish you the best and hope you both can get over the separation and just focus on your daughter as a person.

Being certain of your daughter's best interest is very important before making any changes. Have you ever discussed the issue with her teacher or principal? Your concerns might be received with compassion and good suggestions may be forthcoming. It may even open the door to a closer relationship with someone at your daughter's school. However, if it is made clear to you that you are an outsider because you are not of their faith, it would confirm that your daughter is being taught the same values, even if it is overtly. That would mean that the divide between the two of you would likely continue to grow wider with time. Do you have legal authority to make choices regarding schooling on your daughter's behalf? If those issues haven't been decided yet and your husband won't budge, it is something that your attorney would have to address in your divorce. Regardless of the legal issues, you must enforce your rights as an equal parenting partner before expecting to resolve issues with your ex-husband. He sounds intimidating and controlling. Learning that your own actions do not have to be dictated by someone else's emotions is a huge step toward emotional freedom. There is a fantastic book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It addresses these issues in a non-judgmental, practical way, and shows how to address conflict, establish and enforce boundaries in a loving, healthy way. The information in that book has transformed the lives of many, many people I know, including my own. Regardless of what you decide regarding your daughter's religious affiliation, standing up for yourself in a healthy way is essential. I wish you and your daughter the best. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Blessings,
L. P.

Hi
My husband and I come from 2 different upbringings as well, but we tell our children about both.
However, we do NOT put our children in a school that specifies either- that is something they will decide for themselves when they are older.
If your daugher is about to start 1st grade, now might be a good time to put her into a "regular" school (lack of a better word).
You should be able to show your daughter your side - as well as your husband should, but insisting on only ONE is not doing anyone any favors-especially your daughter.
Your husband must have thought that the Catholics were pretty cool at one point....after all-he married you!
How about a public school - and then just do the traditions on each side of the family?

Hi C.: I guess the question you should be asking yourself is, "What is (BEST) for my daughter." If you have primary custody...If she recides with you, then you should be making any major decisions,reguarding her health, religious preference or education.You sound as though your soon to be Ex,is still controlling you.Put a stop to it.You are going to have that little girl so confused. It's important that you attempt to make a decision, with her best interest at heart.When she is an adult, she will have the ultimate say,as to what her religious beliefs are, but for now, you need to take control of the situation,so as not to confuse her or make her feel torn between you and her fathers differences. The very best to you and your daughter

Well C., although life is not fair there may be more to your situation than you are sharing. Why does he get to make the decisions? Do you just concede or are you under his thumb in some way? Fix that problem and the others may be easier to deal with.

Do you regulary read the bible at home and model Christian behavior for your daughter? Does religion mean more than something to disagree about? Your child will see who is serious and what means the most in your life and his. You did agree to do this before the divorce remember.

If you change the way you behave then those around you have to change how they deal with you. Stand up for yourself and your commitments. If you think he will always get his way then he will.

Good luck, you are in my prayers

Wow C., my heart goes out to you. I know this is all difficult for you, but I am certain it is difficult on that little 6 year old.

"since two religions may be confusing to a child we agreed before we had, our now six year old daughter, that we would raise our children Jewish but let them celebrate the catholic traditions and holidays with my family."

I have to say, you seemed to have been methodical when this decision was made, you should probably stick to it.

In my same religion family, I was always more comfortable around my dad's mother and family. I can't imagine today how this made my mother feel. I thought my grandmother (Dads mom) could do no wrong. I looked forward to visiting her every Sunday and frowned on my mother's moms visits. I can't tell you why as a kid, I never stopped to worry about my mothers feelings, but today, I know I showed more preferance to my dad's mom. Still to this day, I miss my dad's mom and just have memories of my strict grandmother from my moms side. They divorced and she had to drive me to my grandmothers every Sunday and drop me off. I even asked her to come in and visit my grandmother, not understanding what the big deal was.

I don't know what else to say, but just hope you can realize that removing your daughter from her setting may do her harm. She seems to have already embraced her Jewish setting and I am not sure you will be able to change that. As well, I am Catholic too, but I don't think the Jewish upbringing is doing her any harm.

Best of luck to you.
C.

wow this is really hard. are you joint custody? if so theres not much you can really do about fighting with the schooling. if you are going for full custody i would say to let her finish the school year and then change her. i can only imagine how you feel trying to learn what she is. i agree with the non religious private school. i think in this situation it would be best if dad is only around part of the time to back her learning. not putting her in a jewish or catholic school doesnt mean she cant learn or believe it. my hubby is the same way my family is christian and his is catholic. he gets mad because i allow my daughter to attend the church i was raised in. his take on it is if its not catholic its not right. yet he makes no effort to goto mass or any catholic service. i want my child to know both of her religions and choose for herself what she wants to follow... i mean really we all worship the same god its just under a different name... i hope this is helpful good luck!

Wow, this is tough and I feel for you. Can't your daughter do both? Go to the Jewish kindergarten, but attend Catholic church on Sundays and do other Catholic activities during the week. It's a great start toward gearing a child toward seeing value in a multitude of faiths.

I really think you should reconsider changing the current setup because it is what you agreed to BEFORE you had your child. I think at most you should attempt to renegotiate with your ex, but if he won't budge, and your daughter is not negatively impacted, then you should stick to your word.

What about finding out more about the Jewish religion so as to be able to share those concepts with your daughter?

I'm not sure why people feel children will be confused when learning two religions, even cultures. In fact, in my opinion, it is best to do it at the same time before the child's view is firmly established without an adequate amount of exposure to both sides.

Of primary interest here is the welfare of your daughter, and I don't hear in your words anything about a negative impact on her, it's more about your own concerns, which I'm not saying is a bad thing, but to me is not a good enough reason to renege on your agreement.