Communication - Trinidad,CO

I also recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman. I've only started reading it, but it's great so far!

As a therapist I have worked with a lot of couples. Two books I ALWAYS recommend are the following.

1. As suggested below, "the Five Love Languages," By Gary Chapman. There are several versions (for men, for singles, for raising children, etc) get the original one. This is a Christian author who refers minorly to Christian principles. However, the 5 concepts and how to use them to do NOT relate to any particular relationship. Sometimes the fact that it is written by and as a Christian book turns people away, and in this case it really shouldn't.

2. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman. He is absolutely the foremost expert on relationships. He, incooperation with several universities, has studied literally thousands of relationships. For many years now he has said, and demonstrated, that he can predict with 90% accuracy whether a marriage will succeed or fail after observing a couple interact. Many books focus on all the what-not-to-do (don't yell at each other and your marriage will be better, etc). This book (he has several) looks at successful couples, some married more than 50 years, and what they did right. In hundreds of couples they all had things in common. He took those commonalities and what is good to do and put them in a book for you. Easy to read, easy to follow.

Don't give up, nothing is impossible or unfixable if you both still want it. Good luck to you and your husband.

Two things come to mind.

1. See the movie Fireproof and get the book Love Dare.

and

2. Try to listen to the heart of your husband. I'm talking about really listening to him and what he may be saying to you. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. When you do speak, choose your words wisely. I'm not talking about walking on eggshells when trying to talk with your husband but choosing words that build instead of tearing down.

Also understand that communication is not just about you but also about him. You will need to teach him how to do and be the same for you. As he sees you change he may be more likely to change too. I pray the best for you marriage.

UPDATED:
Just read your PS. Men have a mother already and really hate for us as wives to mother them. Men especially when we talk down to them like they are five or two. It is disrespectful and makes them very angry. Honestly it would make us angry too. Sometimes to easiest way to avoid and not start a war of the words is to just be quiet and do what needs to be done and talk about how we feel about it with God and God alone. This definitely works in our house besides my husband won't let me punk him out. I can be a bit of a brute with my words and tone at times. My hubby always keeps me in check when I am out of control. I also try to check myself when I'm feeling particulary "feisty".

I love love love the book "Love and Respect" - I think that you should try that one. I noticed that someone suggested the 5 Love Languages book and that is a good one too. I personally got more out of Love and Respect though. I think that we all have trying times in our marriages. Just keep telling yourself this is just a phase. And work at making it better. I wish you the best - and BRAVO to you for lasting this long!! Statistics show that 70% of marriages dissolve before the 8th anniversary, so hang in there!!

I would suggest couples counseling. Some book are great for some people and just don't work for others, while other books are just not great at all. A counselor can help you both communicate and act as an intermediary, to keep things calm, while you're learning.

Or, there may be some workshops/group classes that might cost less and be helpful, too. But check the credentials of whomever is teaching, make sure it is a LCSW or such.

Dear T.,

Thank you for being courageous enough to reach out. I admire your determination! You have also helped remind me to continue to do the same, [and I feel that my marriage has come a long way in the last 12 years and with the 4+ kids- for the better:)]. I want you to know that I am feeling for you and that you are not alone. Marriage is hard! When I think about how hard marriage can be, one of my favorite quotes is this "In all human affairs there are efforts and there are results, and the strength of the effort is the measure of the result" -James Lane Allen- To me this means that because marriage needs so much effort (in communicating, caring for the spouse, taking care of children, etc.), it is the most rewarding and worthwhile experience we could ever have! But, the most important thing is that you are willing to work on it. A marriage is a constantly evolving relationship, and because there is so much effort involved, (on both sides), it is the truly the most frustrating and most wonderful thing!

The best resources I have found stem from religious teachings, but, the ideas will work with everyone wanting to improve marriage relationships. Elder James E. Faust said that one of the less obvious but more significant reasons for divorce is “the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage, … an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull.” He counseled: “In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1977, 13–14; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, 10–11). I think this is one of the best things to remember when trying to improve and maintain a healthy marriage relationship, because it means that we have to understand that for a marriage to be happy and fulfulling we need to be willing to give not just 50%, but 100% of ourselves. Our marriage works when we work on our marriage- so, the fact that you are willing means most of the battle is won! When someone gives so much energy into helping another person along in life- doesn't that translate into love? If we can look at the things that are important to our spouses, and try to make those things a priority for us it will show that we are listening and that we care. Eventually, they will reciprocate as they feel that we are truly committed to them. But, it will take patience, and biting of the tongue on some occassions!:)

Showing gratitude for him will go a long way, too. Using phrases like "I love you for the way you . . " or "I am really grateful to be married to you because . . . .", " You do such a great job as a dad when you . . . , thank you." What are the things you appreciate in your husband?

This other good quote shows how continued dating in marriage, is also a crucial part of its success . . “Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling” (from Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Seventy, page 19 in the Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide- also in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

T., you're relationship will improve because you are willing to help it. As long as the both of you are priorities for each other, your marriage can't go wrong. -And though it will never stop being challenging, it will also never stop giving you the most precious things in life. Keep looking for helpful advice, pick out what is pertinent for you, and try it. I promise you that you're not alone, and your happiness in marriage is obtainable! I have also been in a similar place.- You don't sound like the kind of person who easily gives up on things. . . and because of that you will find out how to make your marriage better and happier.

With sincere and genuine hope for your successes,
H.

Could you write him a letter? Not an email, a real letter on paper in your own handwriting. I think us moms could answer your question better if we knew the nature of the problem; are there any other details you could share that would help us give advice?

Try the Love Dare book. They made a movie on the book called Fireproof with Kirk Cameron in it.

Love and Respect http://loveandrespect.com/ You will be amazed at how effective their methods are in communication and meeting each other's needs. I highly, highly recommend that you watch their video conference together. It is worth every penny if you have to buy it. So helpful! Bless you for working on your marriage.

A book I really liked was the 5 Love Languages - it's about communication and needs and making sure we really understand what each other values and needs - it's not always the same for each person - which can create HUGE communication issues... check it out and GOOD LUCK!

Just wanted to throw my vote in for the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. I see that this has already been suggested a couple of times, but it really is a book written by the foremost expert on the subject. It is so much different than any other book out there.

I'm a marriage and family therapist and I work in the area of marriage education, which focuses on teaching skills for better communication. Three of the major programs in this area are located in Colorado - try www.prepinc.com (disclaimer: I am one of the authors of this program), www.divorcebusting.com (Michelle Weiner- Davis is in Boulder) and www.couplecommunication.com (Sherod Miller is in Evergreen). Excellent books associated with these approaches include Fighting for Your Marriage, and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, both by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg (I'm Blumberg, btw); Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy, both by Michelle Weiner-Davis. You have already had excellent suggestions for books by John Gottman and Gary Chapman. You can find lots more info, articles and books listed at www.smartmarriages.com .
take care, and good luck.

"Crucial Conversations" -- I can't remember the authors' names
also, anything you can find by Terry Warner and the Arbinger Institute.

Here's another book that might be useful: "Getting the Love You Want" - by Harville Hendrix.

Good luck!

It sounds like you have gotten a lot of suggestions on books, articles, and conferences... I won't profess to be an expert at marriage, mine definitely has it's ups and downs, but I will give you another suggested resource. John L. Lund has a set of CDs called For All Eternity. I absolutely love them and have given them as gifts to many couples who have also found them helpful. I love how he uses humor to approach sensitive subjects and teaches you how to be a more effective communicator. My husband is not one who would ever go to counseling or even take the time to listen to these CDs. But I found they really helped our marriage by teaching me how to appreciate, how to communicate, and how to pick my battles. Me helping myself and wanting to be a better wife really had a domino effect in helping our marriage as well. I would highly recommend this set to you. Good luck!
Oléa