Could DH Be Cheating? :(

Yes, he could be. But to really know you need to snoop on him but before you do you need to very ready for what you may find. I have been through this myself and once you see something, you can't UNSEE it. Good luck.

The Thailand thing sounds not only feasible but probable. There is a world of crazy in Thailand for anyone looking for that sort of thing. The whole Thai ladyboy is a huge trade over there as well.

I'd get the truth out of him and go from there.

IMHO, he's cheating. Even if that is exactly what happened in Thailand, it's still cheating. Looking is one thing, but letting a woman get close enough to suck on his neck is unacceptable and cheating. BTW, I would worry about any female children you have. Thailand is notorious for having VERY young sex workers/slaves. I would INSIST on STD testing and condoms for the two of you going forward. And if there are female children in the house, sorry but he has to go. I wouldn't trust him with them from this day on.

Cheating, yes, I think so. And possibly with prostitutes. :(

I'm so sorry. Clearly, I don't think any of this sounds feasible.
It's bad enough for a spouse to cheat, but these sounds like scenarios that might put your health at risk too.

So he lied to you several years ago, and he lied again recently about the condoms? You have a marriage problem right there. Isn't it kind of unusual for a man to use a condom during masturbation? Most men hate them even for contraception and disease-prevention, so while this isn't a topic I discuss with my male friends and business associates, I find your assumption to be pretty unusual. Moreover, he keeps changing his story as he did with the Thailand story, saying "that bag" and then "I don't know which bag." Not truthful no matter how you spin it. Please get marriage counseling and please get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Your post in February indicates your relationship with him is in trouble. I urge you to get counseling as a way to figure all this out. Yes, sounds like he's cheating. I suggest that is just the latest conflict. Dealing with cheating is just the tip of the iceburg. Because you have children together he will be in your life for sometime to come. Get help in figuring this out and in making decisions that won't harm your children. By that I do not mean staying with him for the children's sake. I mean, if you do divorce doing it in a way that takes care of their emotional well being.

Same for if you decide to stay and work this out. The children need both of you to be compassionate and able to meet their needs.

No man uses condoms for self pleasure because it removes some of the sensitivity. You only carry condoms if you plan to have sex without someone you can not be sure is disease free and when you want extra pregnancy protection. I might have been able to buy the hickey story (but knowing what I know about Thailand I would not) but the condoms are a dead give away. I am sorry.

I would not have unprotected sex with him and you need to get tested. I have friends from Thailand and one of them had a sister that worked in the sex trade there (which is huge business), she says over half of the working girls are HIV positive.

I'm going to say this in a way which may sound really blunt and not very gentle, however I think you might need to hear it this way. You have one thing going in your favor... your husband really doesn't know how to lie well. Got a hickey from a dancer trying to entice him and without his willing participation? She had to have had her mouth on his neck much too long for that to be the case. And the response about the condoms is a classic 'I didn't borrow your umbrella, but if I did, I returned it anyway.' He is clearly lying and you really want to believe him, however you know that he is lying. People don't carry condoms around just for the heck of it. They carry them when they think they might need to use them. Since he isn't going to use them with you, so he is either having sex with someone else or thinks he might. To give some perspective, if I took my diaphragm with me when I'm going to a conference, it would be a clear indication that I'm thinking I might be having sex with someone. If my husband isn't going to be there, it would mean I anticipate having sex with another man. There is no other interpretation.

As the others said, I can understand that you really want to believe he is being faithful to you, but the evidence just doesn't support that belief. Counseling to help you deal with this and figure out what will be your next step forward. Wishing you lots of luck!

Yes, as soon as you said Thailand, I went yes I bet he cheated and that was just over the hickey. When I got tot he part about condoms I was convinced.

No man ever uses condoms for any other reason then STD protection and extra pregnancy protection. AND they disappeared. We have a place that we store all our "sex stuff". If they didn't turn up there and my husband didn't immediately say they he found an old box in the suitcase they were out of date and he pitched them.

Sweetie, you need too get in to your doctor/OBGYN and get tested. Yes, for HIV too.

Sounds like when he is away he likes to play around.

Thailand is of course infamous for its sex industry. The first story it fishy. But the condoms in the luggage? Sorry K.C., this is not good news. Not good at all.

___cheryl B seriously? One travels to Thailand therefor they should be treated as pedophiles? Get a grip!

Could DH be cheating?

Short answer: yes.

The thailand story is a far reach, but even giving him the benefit of the doubt (which I wouldn't), the condoms are a dead give away. They are 100% certainly NOT for masturbation. There's one reason to buy condoms - just 1.

Cheaters Lie. Then they lie some more and deny even further. Start looking through your accounts, cell phone records, his phone, etc. Look around at www.survivinginfidelity.com - you might be able to find some ways to uproot the lies.

I'm sorry. It doesn't sound good.

He's cheating.
There's no doubt in my mind.
Get checked for STDs and lawyer up.

No the Thailand things does not sound feasible but condoms for masturbation doesn't either.

I think a serious conversation needs to be had and you need to get tested for STDs.

Counseling ASAP.

Condoms for self pleasure, WHAT????

Yes, he likely is. I'm very sorry.

The sex trade is huge in the far east - does he travel there frequently? Depending on the type of business he's in it could be culture of the business. UGH. There used to be a guy in my office who handled a group where the client expected to be entertained at a strip club. Every trip to see this cilent included this entertainment. This guy was assigned to this group becuase he was the kind of person management knew would be fine with this client's choice of entertainment. There were other men in the office who would not have been selected for this client becuase their standards were known to not match up.

What you don't know if is this unfaithfulness is a paid sexual liason that's part of some outside pressure (client / business associates) or if it's a specific person that your husband sees when he goes to the same city all the time. While they're both a betrayal, they have different root causes.

I think this situation with your husband calls for deep communication. It's going to be difficult and it won't be over in one chat. This will open up a lot of hurt on your part and deception on his part. I suggest that you go talk to a counselor first before you start this conversation with your husband. Having worked with various counselors over the years (marriage, counseling for one of my kids, grief counsleing, etc.) I've learned that some counselors have very different worldviews and base ethicals foundations. You want to find a counselor whose view matches up with yours. Some counselors will recommend a divorce right away - others will work with you both to help restore your marriage if possible. You want to use the counselor who is going to match up with your perspective on things.

I am so sorry that this is happening - I wish I could slap your husband but I think you'd rather do that on your own. Ugh. I just prayed for you that you would find the right resolution to this situation.

Realize that this will be like an intervention - Your husband will deny and won't want to get into this becuase it upsets his world.

Sorry ... it doesn't sound too good :(

Sounds like you already know in your heart, and unfortunately you're in the position now to confront him. It's best you know. If he has lied and cheated .. just remember, you deserve better than that.

I've been there too (with my ex). I think you've been a bit in denial (you know he's lied about the hickey and he has no need to be carrying condoms). I was too. It's hard to face up to it .. but it will make life very hard if you don't trust him and doubt him. You deserve to know the truth.

Good luck to you - I wish you well

Have him checked for STD's, until then only protected sex.

I have 2 friends that husbands like to "scuba dive" in Thailand. One is now divorced (her ex moved there permanently, has to come back to the states to keep his citizenship. He stays in her guest room. She is a lot nicer than I would be.

The other woman can hardly speak with her husband, but she will not divorce him, they have been married over 40 years. She says she knows what he is up to down there.

ETA: if you were both virgins when you married and both have been faithful? I can't think of even O. reason for him to have condoms!
I've never heard of a man using a condom for "self pleasure." That's absurd.
Don't let him make you think you're being crazy or unreasonable. I would say 99.9% certainty he's cheatING or has cheatED.

This doesn't sound good.
Sorry.
I think the more you look, the more you'll find.

You know he is. A wife's intuition is most always right when all arrows point to cheating. You don't sound like a jealous wife. You are not just pulling an irrational thought out of thin air.

I would never assume condoms would be for self pleasure. That theory doesn't make sense...but I understand you wanting to rationalize to make the thoughts of cheating disappear...for the moment.

A hickey...um...he knows full well how that got there on his neck. It takes quite a bit of time and sucking to produce a hickey, and he had to have seen it for days before coming home to you. So that is so lame that at first he told you he didn't know where it came from.

K.C. He is cheating on you. I am so sorry. I am sure this is devastating :(

My father cheated on my mom. There are so many emotions that I have had to deal with as the child. I can't even imagine how much harder it is for you...the wife.

Thailand is notorious for their sex industry for business travelers. And we are not just talking sex with a woman. They provide such cheap and large numbers of children, both little boys and little girls. Also men and women. It is disgusting in any form!!

I would sit my husband down tonight and tell him I do not believe him.I do not believe his fumbling and bumbling and trying to make up stories. I would say that I am making an appointment to get checked for STD"S and HIV. I would ask him if he would like an appointment as well. I would ask him if he would now like to come clean with the story. I would tell him WE ARE going to therapy or our marriage covenant does not mean enough to him to salvage.

Cheaters will lie, lie , lie and make YOU seem crazy for even asking all this. Don't fall into the cheater's manipulation trap. He lied that he didn't know where the hickey came from, then changed the story. Sweetie, he is covering up his big lie. Tell him to just come clean with the story so you two can move on and face truth and your marriage.

Cheating is not the end of all marriages if a person comes clean and works to salvage the marriage but it is a looooong road ahead for both partners. But, continuing to cheat and lie leaves the one partner always suspicious. Leaves the cheater always on edge having to cover their tracks. And..that marriage is simply doomed! So, tell him he has a choice to make.

I wish you the best. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. Surround yourself with friends that you can lean on. Either way you go with this, you need support and people to talk to.

I am so sorry you are going through this...

Honey, men don't use condoms for self-pleasure. Condoms are only for preventing pregnancy and STD's - they hamper some of the pleasurable sensation, so NO guy uses them to masturbate with. He's lying to you.

You need to go see a divorce lawyer and ask how to protect yourself in case your husband decides to leave you. Sticking your head in the proverbial sand isn't going to protect you. You need to get all your ducks in a row. After you've done that, you ought to demand that he go to marriage counseling with you and hash all this out. This isn't just a Thailand thing. This isn't just a strip club. He is continuing to do this and it needs to come out in the open in the safety of a counselor's office.

Men don't like condoms. They inhibit the feeling and friction they need to reach a climax. So there's no way he'd put on on to masturbate. He would normally do that skin to skin.

He's cheating or he's thinking about it and he wants to be prepared if there's an opportunity.

um, yes.
he could.
and almost certainly is.
khairete
S.

Uggggh. Doesn't sound good. Let us know what happens next. Sorry!

No comment on Thailand. Even if crazy thai women in a bar tried to "latch-on" it's doubtful men would let them if they needed to be hickey-free for their flights home.

My ex was a cheater, so I may be biased.

Yes, condoms in his bag means cheating. Being somewhat conscious of diseases and pregnancies, but cheating. And condoms break and slip off. So you're not safe. I'm so sorry about this. But there really isn't anyway he can make excuses for those. Certainly not, "They must be from years ago when we used them and they're still in my luggage I just used."

I'm so sorry :(

Ask for all of his passwords. If he has nothing to hide he'll give them to you. Tell him you trust and believe him, but because of condoms it's your wifely duty to ask.

Of snoop for more proof. And take it from there. :(

But condoms in luggage are pretty much a smoking gun. Don't be afraid to nail him to the wall and answer you. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR ASKING. If he has no good explanation and starts to make you feel bad and crazy, then you have a long road of deceit ahead, and you should separate. Ask him to leave until he feels like being honest with you, seeking therapy, etc. If there is some remarkably amazing story as to how those got there without him cheating, then he'll tell it. And you can blow this off a bit longer. Otherwise, you need to move forward with the truth.

I think he is cheating. I'm sorry. My ex husband gave similar stupid explanations for things I discovered, and I too believed him at the time, even though it wasn't all that believable.

Good luck with it. I have no advice. :(

What? Why in the WORLD would a person use a condom for self pleasure? I have never heard of such a thing.
I am sorry mama. Go and get tested as soon as you can, pack your husband's bags, and have him go. Make sure you got all your ducks in a row.
THere is no WAY that he got a hickey from a dancer and condoms in his luggage is the kicker.
I call liar.

Please know that I am saying this as gently as possible.. but if it walks and talks like a duck.. it's often a duck.. TRUST your gut instinct..
as for the bag where the condoms were.. had you mentioned that and IF not , how did he know they were in that bag..... but either, something doesn't seem right and your inner feelings are trying to tell you something is up... meeting in a bar.. umm maybe.. but that sounded more like a strip joint

ETA: Your SWH states your hubby has moved himself to Florida because of the weather in Ohio and has been leading a separate life from you and the kids. When he feels bad, he comes home to see you for a little nooky and then leaves again. But you state, "I don't want to break up our family!!" What family? Your husband has checked out and you are still holding on. Is he that good in bed, does he make that much money you can't survive without him, or do you believe everything that comes out of his mouth as gospel? He sure has the wool pulled over your eyes. I would be on my way to the attorney's office so that the next time he shows up at the door the locks would be changed and he would be served with divorce papers. He used you to be a wife to get a green card. Sorry girlfriend but you have been played. I hope you wake and and smell the coffee and the roses before you have nothing.

Your husband doesn't want you to be successful he wants you to be like the women he knows in his home country destitute without nothing. It is now time to sh*t or get off the pot as this will really be a nightmare. Sorry to be so blunt but you are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and he does not deserve it. You won't be the last woman who gets a divorce. Stop making excuses for him.

Original: Let's see, husband travels all over the world and wifey stays home. Hubby comes home with hickey on neck and gets defensive about it and tells a tale.

Well since he is all over the world and has time to "play" he will/or did. Now, he has to make up stories that don't match up. You are a grown woman and if you don't feel right with the answer there is a reason. He is cheating. No man leaves condoms around for the wife to find if he is smart. Your husband feels he can tell you anything and you will believe him.

Contact an attorney for what you can and cannot do in your state. Get copies of all bank accounts/savings/stocks and such. Make an appointment to get tested for any STDs and HIV issues. Then have a meeting with him. Let him know just how you feel and that you want him to go to counseling with you so that the marriage can be repaired. Put a time frame on it. If he does not want to do that, then you have your answer and you will be prepared to make the next step(s). If he has done it once he will do it again and again. One day he may learn his lesson but it will be after the family has moved on and he is in the rear view mirror.

Protect yourself and your children from his actions. He is the one wanting the break up the happy home.

Do keep us posted.

the other S.

I'm sorry KC but I have to agree with the previous posts... There are too many red flags to ignore here. I'm not about to advise you on how to end a long term marriage but if that's what you decide to do you MUST protect yourself and your kids financially. Speak with a lawyer and start lining up those ducks. If he's a liar and a cheat, not much else is off the table for him in terms of what he could pull. my thoughts to you and your children. S.