L.-
Grief of the worse kind :(
I have a good friend who lost BOTH of her young sons to some genetic disorder. One at about 7 yrs and the other at 8 yrs.
It was in a 3 yr period. Another childhood friend lost her son at age 24 to suicide. ANYWAY, I, too, was at a lost and did some research as well as talked honestly to the latter friend.
Initially you express your sympathy by just saying something like " I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, PLEASE let me know." Once a week (no more) for about 3 weeks, say "How are your doing?". Just let them talk or not, what ever they want. THEN, at some point I would say outright and honestly, "You know, I don't want to do anything that would make your pain worse. If I refer to your son, if the occasion presents itself, would that be too painful?" I said this to both friends (because I had read that was what you are suppose to do) and BOTH said without reservation "Please do, I love talking about them."
You see, they don't want people to act like they never existed. If you never mention them, then it is as if they never existed. That being said, I don't just, out of the blue, start talking about them. If we are talking about "kids" in general and what they do, then I will say
something. For example, my husband and I were playing golf
with her and her husband. We saw three boys playing golf. Someone mentioned how nice it was that they had an interest at an early age. I then said, "Did your boys have an interest in golf?" She and her husband both smiled and answered. So there you are. The worse thing, USUALLY, is to say nothing.