Cut *Him* Some Slack?

Oh sweetie, I sympathize and empathize with you! My ex was the same way. About the only thing that ever worked with him was having one of his friends point out the unfinished projects. I think it is kind of the male pride thing so when a fellow guy would say something it struck a nerve we as women just can't. Maybe you can get one of his friends to point out some of the unfinished projects?

Good luck and hang in there! Also, huge kudos to you on carrying twins. I thought I had it rough when I carried singletons!

honey, listen.. nothing , but nothing, inspires a man to do something more then watching a pregnant women trying to do it themselves.
K. h.

L.~ Do not look at it as cutting him slack, just picking your battles.... Men are a lot different than women. One of the issues is right now you are tired for MANY of the right reasons. I can not imagine having four MAJOR family turning things on my plate at once, but have for sure done it too. SO I understand and truly "FEEL" what you are going through.
One of the issues is you are hitting a nesting time for the babies, so you want the house clean, well I tell you I do understand, but you may have to look into other avenues.
Not that I am trying to make an excuse for him, but be careful how you approach this. 82% of families with ASD children end in divorce. Many parents with multiples go through tials and tribulations. You just have so much on your plate right now..... Let's deal with ways to help you through it.
*1st get your iron pills (which I am sure they have started you on) going. Take them with orange juice to triple the iron absorbtion. Everytime you eat "red meat" drink orange juice to triple the iron absorbtion. That will help with your hemoglobin which will hwlp with some of the fatigue and some of the shortness of breath.
*2nd Can you get someone else to tote baby to therapy. Sometimes one of the things we have to do is "let go some of the control." PLEASE do not hault therapy for him as I am a huge early intervention believer and testimoniest and believe ever hour counts. Can you apply for PCA hours to get a PCA to take him to therapy? Are you working with a team that can help you with some of the things around the house for him?
3rd Is it a way you can afford to have someone come and clean your house? I know how hard it is to have someone come and look at what you think is a disaster, but know they are not judging you. If you can not afford for someone to come in, you may have to give in and ask other people in your family or circle of friends to help you. Since Autism and the kids are harder to explain; ask others to help you because you are having a "at risk" pregnancy. Pregnancy usually hits a soft button for women and they will help you.
4th Know that your husband is feeling a lot of stress right now and that he is just internalizing it and you are acting on it.... Trust me..... Men are really upset and have a hard time moving through "My 1st born SON has Autism and probably not be able to do XYZ". They grieve and grieve in silent and this does not get better until the child is much much older...So he has those emotions. Then he has the emotions of boy ole boy.... I not only have a baby coming I have TWO! Father's go through a lot mentally with the exspecting of multiples... Now you also have him going through the stress of just a new baby arriving and the $ prep it takes for TWO of everything....
Not that you are not equally as stressed but know he is just not saying it. SO even though the argument is about the garbage, the real feelings are different for both of you. You are feeling tired, overworked and anxious. He is feeling overwhelmed, not in control and full of anxiety. So my advice is let it go.... If the garbage does not get out, oh well there is always next week...
Do not internalize what he is promising.... He actually does have intention on doing them, but men's minds are very one-tracked and when something else is on his mind, he really does not have the ability to think past that. So, he does have the intention to do the projects just not the mentally capability of mutitasking. Right now in his head he want to figure out how to be the King Lion in his Den and is having a lot of life situations that keep threatning his throne... So just let all of the small stuff go. Do not ask for him to do anything else.... Just let it go because right now you can not solve that BIG problem. You have to just concentrate on those babies.... No more carrying garbage. You need for the little blood flow you have to be feeding your placentas and not your heart for extra cardiac output. You want those babies to grow and the placentas to get big and thick.... You need Hgb to do that. So right now, your job is to get your hemoglobin up (VERY VERY IMPORTANT) for the babies. You can not end up with premature twins due to IUGR in a NICU with a ASD preschooler. Nothing else on your plate right now. So pleeeese let it all go.... Let all of the external mess go so that you can heal the internal problems. The external mess is because the inside is messy. Get help with the external and the internal will heal as things are proven to be occur. Do not look at things as lies or broken promises. They really are not intended so not really towards you personally. He really does intend to do them, just not physically cable of working through stress and projects. God mad women able to wear five hats at once, but men only can think with one head so not able to wear anymore than one. Hense the reason we see things so differently. So let it go and reach outside of your circle for help. Right now the "projects" can wait. Just work on getting your house livable and safe. The other stuff can wait.... With every project/chore ask yourself "If this does notget done in the next 24 hours is it going to cause a physical harm to me or my family in the next 48hrs?" If the answer is No, then let it go.... Here is a (((HUG))) for you.... Sure wish I lived closer having been there done that I would be honored to come and help you.

he is being honest....he's under stress just like you are! He has a son who is autistic & requires a whole lot more than most children. He has twins on the way- which can feel very overwhelming. He's in the military & taking classes. He has a very pregnant wife who is demanding deadlines & schedules.........& he's shutting down.

He's already requested that you "cut him some slack"....that's HIS way of asking for help. The problem lies in the 2 of you having different end-goals. What you want done, what you feel has to be done.....does not have to be his list. Men/husbands are notorious for NOT getting it....because they are wired differently. In all likelihood, what he wants is some final peace & quiet before the twins arrive!

Just like Venus & Mars, you're both coming from opposite ends. What's lacking is a true, honest communication between you. He's agreeing with your needs to "shut you up".....& then finds himself unable to move - which is a sign of depression. You, on the other hand, are making that endrun to the finish line. & yes, you're on your own. You are both individuals & that's what makes us human.....a difference in opinions! It doesn't make either of you "bad" as a spouse, simply means that you are different! Time to reconnect, time to reopen the lines of communication......& really talk about the rapidly-approaching future. I wish you BOTH Peace!

Both my husband and I spent 10 years in the AF and both got out almost three years ago. Trying to juggle two active duty deployments with kids was to much of a strain for us, so thank you AND your husband for being willing to deal with it! We couldn't. That said, I sympathize and empathize, my hubby is/was the same way. He says-remind me, I'll do it- then doesn't, and when I do remind him, I'm nagging, so three weeks go by and then I blow up (or do it myself- I put our crib together at 34 weeks and went into labor two days later (six weeks) early)) and we are back to the -you should have reminded me when I wasn't busy (sorry- didn't know TV was being busy!)! SOOOO frusterating. And to top it off, he would tell me that the issues were due to my pregnancy hormones. SO NOT TRUE! In fact, he was so insensitive during my pregnancies (not now- thank godness) that for all three of them, I almost left him. Literally. It took sitting in the car in the driveway for him to "GET IT".

I won't tell you to leave him, that probably isn't the answer, especially with twins on the way. I will say that I agree with a previous poster who stated to have one room that is 'yours' , that is easy to manage and keep clean just for you.

I also whole heartedly agree that he will be more receptive if the ribbing and nagging for completed jobs comes from someone other than you. It's funny how I am always wrong until someone else says exactly what I said, in which then he comes back to me and tells me exactly what I said in the form of: So and so said......

Don't take the trash out, even if he forgets. When he askes YOU about it, say I'm sorry, I reminded you, it'll just have to wait until next week- calm, collected, no arguments. Walk away from the arguments!

Beyond all this, try to relax as best you can. Twins rarely go term and you need to keep them in as long as possible.

I might be bringing in a different perspective here because I have dealt with an issue with my hubby. Have you talked with him on how he feels about the new upcoming adventure in your life, If he normally is more helpful and happier he might be depressed a little, I am not saying he needs drugs or anything. But he might be stressed out and overwhelmed with the twins on the way and maybe even a fear of the possibility of having another child with high needs, which twins in and of itself is a lot to take on. I am also not saying you are not going through this also and more. I know I get into a rut when I start thinking about things like this. so talk with him, she what he is thinking, what is racing through that mind. My husband has always said just knowing all the things he has to do the end of pregnancy to make up for what I couldn't do was stressful enough to make him not want to do any of it.

I actually don't agree with Michelle. This is the time your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and kick it into high gear. He needs to not only work to provide for his growing family, but also needs to do WHATEVER needs to be done at the house. Not just projects, but chores as well. I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him. He is making it VERY clear to you what his priorities are and it's NOT you. I would give him 60 days to get whatever projects done and to show VAST improvement in his ability to help you more or you may have to take drastic steps. I'm sorry, but my first husband was like this and it got to the point that I couldn't take it any longer and he kept SAYING he would help, but his ACTIONS showed that he didn't mean it. I filed for divorce and am now married to a wonderful man that does EVERYTHING for me and our kids. WE are his priority and he makes that very clear in his ACTIONS, not just his words. I don't even know what day trash day is because I know he will do it and does every single time. So I don't think you should "pick your battles". He shouldn't have to be reminded and should know you need help right now. It's a tough spot to be in and if it's not address, it will NOT get better after the twins are here. I wish you the very best.

Maybe you could try showing him this post... I've noticed that I'm more careful to fully explain my position when I'm telling it to someone else than when I'm telling it to my husband. This is backward. I should be fully explaining my frustrations to HIM instead.

I think your post really illustrated the difficulties you're having right now. Usually I'm an advocate for the husbands that are getting hen-pecked and underappreciated by their wives, but I think it would be beneficial for your hubby to see things from YOUR perspective this time. It sounds like he needs to man up and realize that life isn't going to wait for the perfect moment. Life is sloppy and happens when it happens. He can't keep waiting for this or that to happen before he gets up off his butt and gets his work DONE!

I'm wondering what HE is stressed out about? Start hiring people to do the stuff around the house & I'm sure he'll get the point.

Tell him that exactly, that you are about to lose it, that you can't tolerate the environment and that you need help.

I told my hubby that during my first pregnancy, and he then spoiled me for the rest of it. He also spoiled me when I was pregnant with my first.

Sometimes they need to be reminded that we are pregnant, not sleeping, hormonal and in need of HELP.

Be honest, tell him you want to run away. Tell him you hate feeling this way. Tell him you need him to help.

If you doesn't help, I don't know what to say. I'd kick him, really hard.

At the same time, though, don't ride him. Let him know what needs to get done and then give him the space. My hubby is terrible about getting things done, but I learned a long time ago, the more you pressure, the more they flee. So, it's best to do indeed cut them slack, but in the sense of "Dude, I need help! I need you to do X, Y and Z before I am 34 weeks pregnant, can you do that? If not, I then think we need to hire someone or something because this stuff has to get done, it isn't negotiable."

You have my utmost sympathy. The one and only thing my husband and I argue about is his lack of helping me with the kids. It pisses me off beyond all reason so I hear ya!!! I can't imagine having an autistic child and expecting twins - WHEW! You weren't alone making any of the 3 so he needs to step up but the truth is, if he has always been this way, he always will be. My husband ALWAYS has an excuse - he's busy, he's stressed, he has to work, etc. All valid but I'm just as busy and work a FT job too!!! Anyhow, I agree with the other posts, if you can afford help - then hire people. If he doesn't like it, then he needs to do it. Also, if you can afford a doula after the babies come, do it. If you can't afford that level of help, can you enlist a neighborhood girl for a few hours after school? Any break will be great. BIG mistake I made not hiring someone to help me after the baby came!!! And finally, if you have any close friends or family in the area, enlist their help. I know it might be a little embarrassing but these people love you and would LOVE to help. I don't even know you and I want to come clean your house for you!!! LOL Seriously, people always want to know how they can help - accept any help you are offered and seek out the help you need. If people ask why, tell them b/c your husband isn't helping. Maybe shame will bring him around! Good luck.

To all the people who agree with your husband....pleeeease!
I was/am in the same boat as you. We have a 2 year old and two month old twins. My husband constantly tells me he is going to do this and that and nothing ever gets done. Trash day is the same day ever week, why do they need to be reminded, why do we have to basically put it alll together in a nice pie just so they can get it down to the curb.
This is what I finally learned throughout the twin pregnancy, he is not going to change. If I need a break, then I am just going to take it. If something needs to e fixed, I will tell him, if it does not get done in a certain time you let him know you are going to hire someone. You have to let go of certain things for your health and the health of the children. You also do not want to start resenting your husband, resentment is hard to heal.
If he is stressed now, he does not know what is ahead of him. Twins are not easy especially with a toddler in the house. You guys are going to be sleep deprived like no ones business and your older child is going to feel neglected. Do you have help? Make sure you have some help for at least the first two month. I just spent my first couple of days alone with all three children - WHEW! I think I will need help for the first year at this rate.
Please message me if you would like... we can vent with each other!
Good luck with delivery.

I am sorry but I do agree with your husband.
Relax,
Get some rest,
Play with your son,
Love on your husband.

There will ALWAYS be chores in the house that need to be done.

Your happiness doesn't depend on how clean your home is.

Get some rest, make love with your husband.
Relax.

Be thankful for him and not for what he does or doesn't do.

Congrats on your new babies.

= )

L. - my advice - listen to Michelle M. She said it well on walking you through all of this. It is so much and we all need help - without all of that going on - muchless with all you have going on. Hang in there, get some rest and enjoy a date with your husband. Many warm thoughts, prayers and hugs sent your way!!! T.

He may feel scared to death inside having a set of twins on the way. Have you ever had sooooo much to do and you don't know where to start? So you do nothing. I bet he is going through stuff also.

Now with that said you need to take care of yourself. Slow down and just relax a little. Without nagging or sounding like his mom. Talk to him, communication is so important. Just sit and spill your guts out to him. I would tell him you need to be in this with me. Pull the plug on the TV and hide it and tell him not until we communicate will this be on....say it with a smile.

Good luck!

Create a room or haven for yourself that is clean and away from his mess. Men are like that and seemingly will not change. It is not in their minds a project, so it doesn't get put on their priority list. Don't get frustrated because he is NOT the only one like that. It just amazes me how they can sit in the mess and not see it. As for dinner, let him prepare it if he is hungry. Tell him that is not on your priority list and that "when this gets done" you will prepare dinner!

Well, I don't believe that ALL men are like that - I refuse to allow my sons to grow up to be like this. And I have known many men that weren't at all like this! But my husband sure CAN be same!

With him, I suspect it's because his mom did EVERYTHING for him until he left for college - he never learned to cook, do laundry, or clean - and NOW he is a stay at home Dad! I get pretty frustrated too as I pick up the slack on things that HAVE to be done when I'd really like to be playing with my kids.

My pregnancies were also never quite "real" for him until there was a baby in his arms. With our first, he did absolutely NOTHING to help get ready (and I know for a FACT, that many, many, many husbands have gotten a nursery ready).

Long & short of it, he's spoiled. Things went to sh*t at home during my last pregnancy (I was also anemic). And I had to take time off afer I came back to work to manage the chaos. I have let him know I no longer trust him, as his word to me doesn't seem to mean anything to him, and that its does NOT make me feel loved!

One things I can say is that my husband DOES seem to be trying, and he is GENERALLY a good Dad. He does a LOT more now that he is staying home (he still wastes a LOT of time on his computer). I continue to ask him to do things, but mostly I just do them myself and don't ask anymore.

This is a tough one - talking with our minister helped, and while it bugs me sometimes since he has at least 1 day/week when he has 4 hours with ONLY the baby (and we are paying to have the other 2 in a care-giving environmenat), we have hired a friend to come in and clean house 2x/month. As the person supporting the family (who would LOVE to stay home), I suspect he could do a LOT more and it would save us $, but I could be WAY off, as he's home and I am not.

I will say that having someone else clean up DOES save grief and stress and arguments. If you can swing it AT ALL, I suggest you at least hire someone to come clean your house for you. It was good arrangement with my friend - we trust her, she picks up toys (though, sadly, she doesn't organize them), and she needed a job. You might also be able to arrange some sort of long-term trade with a friend for thsi service.

OR - (and I love picturing this) you might be able to get your friends to come and help out & clean AROUND your TV watching husband. If he acts bewildered or angry, you can calmly tell him that you asked for his help and didn't get it, so you took care of things yourself!

I wish I knew more to say to help.

If you can afford to have a handy man come in and do all of the unfinished projects, that would cut him a lot of slack and take a lot of pressure off of both of you. No matter how you handle that piece I think it is very important that you go to marriage counseling as I don't see this communication/respect issue going away on it's own or because the projects get completed! You yourself have an incredibly full plate with the autistic child and now you are going to have to care for twins!!!!!!!! OMG, how will you do that by yourself, because that is what it sounds like it will be one way or the other. You need counseling ASAP! Even if he doesn't want to go get some for yourself no matter what because you need support! Good Luck!

You need to put you at the top of your priorities list. The anemia could be from you not eating enough, or it could just be that you are carrying 2. Either way, you need to rest, rest, rest. Let your body slow down. You are the only one that can take care of you, and the only one that can take care of the babies.

Second on the list should be finding someone to help with your son's therapy schedule. Have you contacted your families group at the base? It could be that a friend or another base mom would be available to help.

As for the projects. I would sit down with a list of projects. Put them in order of priority. Make it realistic. Ex. having a crib up is more important than having the nursery wallpapered.

Organize a party. A projects party. Take the list. Talk to hubby about what he thinks could be done in a weekend. Then invite a bunch of friends over, order pizza, and have them go to it, while you sit back and supervise!

I don't have an answer for you but I do want you to know that you're not alone. My husband is also military and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. We just moved into base housing so he could be closer to work. There are boxes all over my house, and in the garage. Things are only half done. Could I haul these boxes in from the garage, yeah I probobly could. Do I want to or should I have to? I don't think so. I was standing on a stool on a chair hanging curtains having braxton hicks and he was laying in bed with an Fing headache. But when I say something to him about it I'm nagging or I'm the crazy pregnant lady. It just gets old. Not sure why I expect anything different. I would have to be hospitalized to get anything done. And even then I don't think much would be taken care of.