Daddy Problems

have you told him how you feel? I delt with the same thing up until recently. My son is now 3 and befor that my fiance said he was not at the fun age yet. I would try just telling him and if that does not work... then I dont know I wont say what you dont want us too...but I had to wait!

Is it his son and not your son? Who does he live with?

does his son live with you and your fiance'

hey C.,

Congragulations on the arival of your son.
I am a young mother of 3 with a man like that. I feel your frustration. Your not alone. I don't know how to change him. Lots of people will probly tell you to suround him with envalved fathers. most likely he'll run's in the oppisit direction from these good men. Others will sugest that u have someone else talk to him, but that does not always work either.

So, you can accept his ways. Leave him. Try to change him...

Best of luck ! Try to enjoy this short 1st yr of your son's life regardless of your man.

Michelle

Take a Saturday off. Make an appointment to get your hair done or go shopping with a friend, and let him be with the baby all day. Make sure you have a fridge full of pumped milk and the diapers and wipes stocked, and just go. This will throw him head first into being a parent, he won't have you there to just do it all for him, and he'll quickly see that he can do it too, and I'll bet he even enjoys it.

Ok... I'm not sure if I understand this right, but from what I read, I am assuming the child is yours and not your fiances. If I'm wrong about that, then disregard this. I am the mother of a 10 month old baby girl, and I have been dating a man who is not my daughter's father since she was about 1 month old.(although he didn't meet her until she was 3 months old) My philosophy with his relationship with my daughter is that she is not his daughter, and so I can't expect him to do anything for her. I never asked him to do anything until he first suggested it himself. This way he never felt like I was trying to force him to be a father to my daughter. But, as time has gone on they have bonded. He still doesn't change diapers (He wakes me up or lets me know so I can do it, but hey like I said, it's not his daughter), but now he gets up with her in the morning and feeds her so that I can sleep in, he puts her to sleep, he plays with her, and he almost always wants to carry her and hold her whenever we're out together. Now, I have no problem saying "Can you watch her while I shower" or "do you mind giving her a bottle" or whatever, because they are things that I know he feels comfortable doing.

Another thing, and this may apply even if Nick is the father of the child (again, I was unclear in reading your message) one thing that I noticed is that my boyfriend didn't seem to feel as comfortable with my daughter until she got a little bit older. A lot of men are unsure around really young babies. They relate better to children that they can play with. So, as my daughter's personality started to develop and she became more interactive, my boyfriend became more enamoured with her. Now when we see each other, he'll often say hello and pick up my daughter before kissing me hello, and he always asks how "his" baby is when he calls.

I don't know if I articulated that right, but I have read that a lot of men don't know how to handle newborns because they aren't as interactive as older children. Once the baby appears to be a little more sturdy and a little less fragile he may warm up.

But, I do want to stress, that (this again is assuming he is not your fiance's son) it's important to let your fiance know you are a package deal. While, I said I never expected anything out of my boyfriend. I did want him to respect my daughter and treat her friendly. My daughter already has a father, the relationship she is forming with my boyfriend is a unique relationship. And while he may be a father figure to her in coming years, I will let them determine the depths of that relationship.

I don't know if this was any help or makes any sense to you. I hope it does.

I know that you want an instant fix, but that may not happen. You may just have to "wait it out". Some dads don't get that "bond" like new moms get until the baby is older and able to play. Otherwise the dads just think the baby is boring. Try to remember that on the inside your fiance is just like a 7 year old boy. They bore easily.

Another possibility is that your fiance is nervous. Mabye he's afraid that he'll hurt your son or drop him because he's still little.

Either way, you need to talk to him. Tell him that it's very upsetting to you that he seems so disinterested in your son. You understand that your son can't play yet and is pretty little, but he is a father now and he needs to help out occasionally without throwing a fit or being rude - acting like a child -.

I'm not going to tell you what to do...but I will tell you a little of my story and ask you to answer some tough questions for yourself.

First of all, I can tell you that he (Nick) may or may not ever change...until years later...

The father of my two boys (4 and 6) is only just beginning to be active in the daily lives of our boys. I did everything by myself for the first six years and it's only been the last maybe six months that he's been willing to help out by taking them to daycare or picking them up...and that's only on the rare times that I'll be late from an appointment. (I think 3.) He also spends time with them playing video games, watching cartoons, and playing ball a few hours a week. (Btw, I am 38, he will be 45 in Aug, and he also has a 19YO son in college and we are NOT married, though living together.)

He is stuck in the "traditional 1050's roles" rut where the home and child raising is the responsibility of the mother, with very little to no accomodation for the mother also working outside the home 40+ hours each week. "The women take care of the babies." I keep telling I am not and never will be June Cleaver. :)

I'm wondering if Nick is somewhat conditioned the same way, or perhaps is scared of the new responsibility and/or of losing his freedom/youth?

You will have to answer the following questions for yourself...
1)Can you/Do you want to commit to a marriage with someone who seemingly will not participate in your child's life for whatever reason?
2)Does he know and/or do YOU know why he isn't participating/helping raise your son?
2a)If so, what can be done to overcome it, are you both willing to work on it?
3)Can you accept and live with this issue for the rest of your life (not just the next 18 years)?
4)How will your feelings affect your relationship and also how you raise your son?

Two things to remember are that in EVERY relationship, COMMUNICATION is the key and the majority of people are not telepathic. :)

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide...

When you guys sat down to talk about the problem did you ask him why he doesnt like to spend much time with the baby? Maybe there is a problem that he is not talking about!! I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life, but if I was you I would be saying "I Do" anytime soon. If he cant even help with the baby that the both of you guys made, who knows what other tricks he may pull when the times come. It is much harder to leave a relationship when your married vs. being in a serious relationship!!! If he loves you and wants you to be the woman he spends the rest of his life with, then he needs to respect you on all levels of your relationship. He cant pick and choose. You shouldn't have to wait it out, he should be there 100%. He was there to make the baby, and he should be there to help take care of the baby!!! You should let him know again how you feel. Keep talk to him until you see a change, and if that doesnt work i would say it's time to move on. You need a person who will be a great father to your baby, not leave all the resposbilities to you. You deserve more. I know you love him, but if he can't step up to the plate 100% then to hell with him!!!!

First, I would sit down and tell him how you feel. Don't lay the blame on him ("you never" "you should") but keep it to "I really need more help from you" or "I feel like you don't connect with Gabe - can we work on that?".

If that doesn't work, I second the suggestion of going away - even if for a few hours to get your hair done - and leaving Nick with Gabe. Write a list of what Gabe will need while you are gone if that makes you feel better - heck make it specific as heck (Nick will probably appreciate it!).

Sometimes that's what it takes. My husband is very involved in our daughter's life - he does daycare dropoff every morning, gives baths every other night, changes diapers etc. BUT, once in a while, I still head out and let him fend for himself with her. It's good for them to have time together (and for me to have time to myself!!!)

To be honest there may not be much that you can do, but what I suggest to do is to sit him down and explain to him about the way you feel about it, and that it will be his loss and not the childs. Ask him questions all so. Such as don't you want to be a part of his life? Don't you want to have that special bond that a father and child have? etc.. Tell him that it hurts you to see that he doesn't spend quality time with his son, and it doesn't only affect your son, but you and him (the daddy) as well. And that you want him and gabe to have a good father and son realationship, and you want it to be a healthy one too. I hope that he does listen to what you have to say, and that he will change and start to be a bigger part of his life.