Dealing with My Mom as an Adult ???

I know how you feel on the visiting part! Also I feel that if she cant added both children then she shouldnt have any! I will not allow favritism (sp?) in my house and thats how it sounds. However, I do think maybe you should have asked her why she hadnt added him... some people dont get on all the time and maybe she is one of them. I have a friend who gets on about once a week! Maybe call and talk to her about it? Good luck

Really, what harm does it do if your children have a relationship with your mom on their own terms. You don't have to protect them from her, since they are obviously not close to her anyway. let them see for themselves who she is and decide if they want to have contact. 13 is old enough to do that.

I did not speak to my own mother for years and now I have a very different relationship with her-- I treat her exactly the same way I treat my children. She has no power over me, she can't tell me what to do, she can't hurt me. I try my hardest never to get angry with her, never to hate her, never to abandon her. I practice loving her as if she were a child who does not know better. It is working well for me. I am going on three years of this and we're closer than ever and more fulfilled in our friendship/ relationship. She does not know this is my tactic, but she does feel my love, which is enough.

She's a difficult person to say the least and it took me 34 years to be able to have a good relationship with her, so I DO feel your pain. But I allow my children to know her on their own terms and they're doing great. Sometimes I have to say, "You know, I disagree with Nana on this one. In our family we do things differently" and my kids side with me because they know I'm not manipulating their relationship.

Just my two cents. I wish you peace.

Greetings D., I am the mother of 5, and I am going to give you my 2 cents worth of advice. Stop acting like a child! I mean really read your message and think about it carefully it sounds like a spoiled child that has taken her toys and gone home from the sand box. I can say that your son is big enough to handle this problem by sending her a message along time ago and didn't so maybe as grandparents and parents do something got in the way and it wasn't done-- so why not just make the request why allow yourself to deny speaking to her-- is that supposed to be teaching your children a lesson? or your mother? or what are you getting out of it?
I personally have little relationshiip out of choice with my parents (which I was not raised by) and yet if my children wish to I have let them as long as I have found it to be a kind relationship to have contact and we all agree that they are better at being friendly than being parents. I have not felt the need to punish for past ills or acted like I was betrayed becasue of something. I would be totally torn up if I could not have a relationship with any of my 6 grandchildren even the foster ones that I have(12 total). I keep telling my children that noone is perfect so give some room for making u turns in life. As for the travel I just have to add this--- My inlaws are afraid to travel they can't take the change to schedual or sleeping arrangements so although they have grandchildren in 4 states they still expect us to go to them. We have all made the sacrifice to do so. Yes, it would have been easier, freeer, and more fun to have them at our things but they didn't have it in them to do it so we sucked it up. but Grandma writes to them as often as she can, and she enjoys the phone calls from 3 year olds and crying teens who have broken up with someone or have parnets that just don't understand them. So think about what it will be like from your example when you are the grandparent and this were to happen to you --- and think about what it will feel like.
Good Luck. Nana Glenda

On the surface this just seems very petty but I just feel you were only able to tell a small part of the story.

One day you are going to be the grandmother to your adult son's children, what kind of relationship do you expect them to have with you? They may see you the same way you see your mother and then they will handle it the same way you are currently teaching them to handle it. Children learn by example. How are you treating your mother...How will they treat you in the future? (Rhetorical questions but questions you may need to answer within yourself.)

What kind of mother was your mother exposed to? What did she learn growning up? What kind of pain is she harboring inside? How does she choose to communicate her pain, hurts, fears?

Forgive your mother for whatever harm she has done to you. It will release you to live a more satisfying life. Life is very short, too short. Love the parts of her that are loveable and try to disregard the rest if you can. She does live 4 hours away and has no interest in spending time with you as things stand that has got to be hurtful. Learn how to let go of the pain, disappointment, hurt, anger and any negative emotion. We all come from somewhere and we take those experiences with us. Learn how to talk with her. This will do the entire family some good.

I hope this helps.

D., I almost stopped reading after I read that you closed all your family's acts. Geeeez! This is between your mother and your sons. Why are you even involved? If the son that she didn't ask to be a friend wants to be a friend on Facebook then he can ask her to be a friend. If she doesn't respond, so be it. We cannot make everyone want us on Facebook. Facebook isn't even real life for most of us.

Also three weeks since your mother said she'd send a message to the other son is not very long. Did your son send an invitation to her? I think that your mother sent the invite to the one son because he has a new account. She may have not thought to do it when the older son got his. There are so many reasons for what happened other than her snubbing the oldest son. Most of us are not as detail oriented as you seem to be. And fortunately most of us are not so quick to become angry. It sounds like you were looking for a way to "get back" at her.

I wouldn't go see you either! Your post makes it sound like you and your mother are saying "if you don't do what I want, I won't do what you want." And you've reached a stalemate in which everyone is angry because the other one doesn't do what you think they should be doing.

You and your mother are having a snit fit like 2 siblings. Where is your love and respect for your mother? Where is your respect for your sons? Cutting them off is disrespectful to everyone involved including yourself.

Even if your mom is not an adult, you can be an adult. You might be surprised that eventually she will act more like an adult in response to your adult actions. You cannot change anyone but yourself. I do hope that you will realize how childish your post is and accept that you can do something about the way you feel and act so that you won't be so hurt and angry with your mother.

I also hope that you can allow your boys to have a relationship with their grandmother, based on their terms and without you interfering. They are teens and they will soon have to navigate in this world on their own. Now is the time for them to be learning how to handle this sort of situation in a calm and reasonable way.

I'm guessing that you've been hurt badly by your mother and believe that she doesn't love you. And she's been hurt badly by you and believes that you don't love her. The only way out of this hell is for one of you to start small and not respond in anger the next time. I suggest that you look for some counseling so that you can learn how to resolve your issues with your mother and become an adult who doesn't depend on her mother for validation.

Sounds like you have a battle going on over who is really the head of your family and "Mom" doesn't want to give up the reigns. The only advice I can give you is to keep it on a business-type relationship level. In other words, don't let her fluster you, it's probably what she wants. (Keep in mind that she probably knows ALL of your buttons and will attempt to push them.) How you deal with her is teaching your kids how to deal with difficult loved ones so keep it calm and rational on your end no matter what she trys to throw at you. It will probably get worse before it gets better but don't let her treat you like anything but the adult that you are. If she gets out of control on the phone, calmly and politely tell her you are going to hang up now and do it. Don't let her call the shots and don't let her walk on you and your kids will learn to deal with her the same way. Good luck.

You are setting an example for your children. Sometimes we have to endure things that are not nice and not fun because it is the right thing to do. Explain to your kids what exactly is wrong and hurtful about your Mom's behaviour and use her attitude as an example of how not to be. At the same time, your kids will DO what you DO. Not what you say. So, how do you want them to treat other people? with tolerance? with patience? Love, kindness, sympathy ??? teach them that through your own actions.

I don't get it...it sounds like you are upset about some ancient history that you are not mentioning. you keep saying you don't want your kids to "get hurt". but it sounds like you are the one who feels hurt about something.
As for her not visiting...try to get her to open up about why she doesn't want to do the day trip to your house.
I have a mother-in-law who won't let anyone drive her and won't go to anyone else's house for holidays, but it seems to be because she doesn't want to be "that grandma" that gets driven around and people feel sorry for her--she wants to be the center, the hostess, to be in control, etc. It is just her image of herself that she wants to protect, I guess.

You are an adult, and you should just forget about the past. Stop thinking of her as the Mother you knew, and just look at her as another adult. Try to understand what she needs, or what she is scared of.

I don't have any advice but I wanted to throw in my two cents about those social networking sites. All they do is cause problems - people get their feelings hurt; people write things about others that they would never say to their face; it makes being mean to someone easy! Get off the internet and TALK to people!

Have you considered that your older teenager might not want his Grandmother connected to him on FaceBook? I don't have an account so maybe it's no big deal but I wouldn't have wanted my grandparents or parents "hanging out" with my friends and I in the teenage years. Why not take the lines of communication down a notch and just send the occasional "Christmas Letter" email out to family and distant friends?. You can send it from an email address that belongs to the whole family and include your home address and landline phone number.

I realize you are having some issues of feeling rejected by your mother, and I understand that. I've gone through some periods like that with my mother in the past too. I don't think it's in your best interest, or the best interest of your sons, to cut her off. You haven't said anything to indicate that there has been an ongoing show of favoritism on your mother's part for the younger son. I don't know why she would have neglected to invite your older son as a FB friend, but I think you shouldn't take automatically as an offense. One thought I had was that if your older son really wants to have grandma on his friend list he could have also sent her a request.
Getting along with our parents isn't always easy, but I truly think that you need to ignore most of her irritating habits and try to along with her as well as you can. Perhaps you can get a chance sometime to sit down with her face to face and explain how some of her actions have made you and your family feel. She may not even be totally aware of how it looks from your end of the situation. I used to get quite upset that my mother seemed to want to do things with and for anyone in the family except me... also that other relatives could go on trips to fun places, and even though they passed through so near me on their way, not even give me a call so I could meet them for lunch or something just to see them. I have often felt like saying "the road goes both directions" when someone would ask when I was next coming to see them, and they hadn't even bothered to try to come see me. However I've learned in later years not to let that stuff bother me so much, but just to enjoy whatever time I do get with them. My mom still has her "favorite" grandchildren and I've learned that is OK. She does love my kids too, but just has a different relationship with them. I'm not sure there is favoritism on your mom's part, but if there is you need to let your kids deal with that and not get so upset about it yourself. I know that isn't easy, but you need to do it anyway.

No, you are not doing the right thing, espeically if you cut your mother out/off from all accounts without first speaking with her. Additionally by telling your children "talk to grandma, but I don't want to talk to her because......," you are sending a mixed message to your kids about communication and working problems out as a family.

If you truly want God's blessings, be a blessing to others, even a difficult parent.

Blessings.....

PS Personally I think those FaceBook accounts cause a lot of trouble and will follow people where ever they go. FaceBook postings have cost people jobs, ability to be accepted into college and most importantly family relationsips.