Dealing with "On a Whim" Grandparents

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I had a similar situation in which my ex husband would always say he was coming to get the kids and never would. At first they would get excited and after awhile they just stopped beleiving him but would be sad about it. After seing my daughter cry about it I decided that was enough, I quit telling them he was coming and they gradually distanced themselves. They are now strong hearted and willed 12 and 16 year olds.
So you can't make up for what they promise, but you can either choose to keep him from telling her things that may not happen or you can teach her that not all people are able to keep there promises, but YOU ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR HER, NO MATTER WHAT

First of all, sorry you have to deal with your daughter's disappointment, that breaks a mom's heart. You will figure out what's right for your daughter since you know her best.

I too am a mom with ADD and depression (secondary from the ADD). I have a hard time keeping it all together sometimes and am a mom a 3, have a husband, dog, 2 cats, fish, etc. I just starting seeing a counselor and I AM ONE MYSELF!!! But, I found one that I am comfortable with and I just discuss how hard it is for me and it helps. I have actually been thinking of writing a book for mom's with ADD. It's awful to always be late for everything, forgetful, etc. and then feel like you are a bad example for your kids. I have explained my "disease" to my oldest and he is very supportive. Also, please consider medication if you already haven't. let's keep in touch. We need all the support we can get!!! Now I know I am not alone, which I feel like alot!

J.,with dealing with my very own family,who dose the samething.Try to explain to you daughter what you think happened in away you think she may understand.Let her also know how much you know she is hurting about it too. And as far as you huband speaking to those people,personaly I'd put my foot down and let them have it.I had a love -hate relationship with my mother-in-law about 10 yrs ago.Put up with alot of b/s from her.Then one day I could not take anymore.And I let her have it.Let the grandparents know how bad they have hurt their only GRANDDAUGHTER!!!!

Hi J.,
I can relate. I have on-a- whim brother and sister in laws. OUr children 5 & 2 are the youngest on my husband's side. ( there is a 9 yr span b/w his next brother) They are very involved with their children 16, 14 &11. We go to all of there football & basketball games ( sometimes 2 a week) and have been to almost every party that they have had always bringing or sending generous gifts. Well I think they forgot we had children. They didn't even come to the hospital when my youngest daughter was born Dec 21st because they were shopping or busy. They didn't see her until we broght her to them. They never remember birthdays but when it comes to their kids my husband has the attitude that he isn't mad at the kids just his brother. So he will never not get them gifts. Those kids( my neice and nephews) ignore my children totally when we get together. Just typing this makes my blood boil...
Anyway, the only way I can deal with this is to realize that some people are incredibly selfish, and that is not how I want to be or to raise my kids to be. So I try to explain to them that it is not about gifts ( try to do that with a 2 & a 5 yr old) that they are special because they are here and we celebrate them the whole day. It is hard when they don't even call to sing to them but we try to change the subject. I try to let go of the hate that is forming becuase they will never change and hate only hurts me. Someday they will realize how awful they are and maybe they won't. But I will know that I am a better person.
Maybe try to explain to your daughter( even though you don't agree) that some people don't have the means to send birthday gifts and wish they could. But that they send their love with every thought, It is more important to be loved. Then grit you teeth and go for a run. Excerise is the only thing that helps me from exploding. I to have sufferd from depression my whole life (35) I tried eating it away and all I did was get fat. Now I go to the gym and I am not so grumpy. The treadmill takes all the beating. The I hope this helps. Good luck.

Since your DD is now 9 yrs old, and you rarely see this paternal grandfather of hers, she would probably understand a bit of the truth.

"Honey, your grandfather loves you very much and when he talks to you he gets very excited. Sometimes, people make promises that they can't keep when they get excited like that. Maybe he didn't realize he wouldn't be able to keep his promise, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

Maybe saying something like that to her is better than saying that this guy isn't the type to follow through on relationships and promises.

J. Good Luck!! I agree with all the responds that you received. My "Out-Laws" only do things when they feel like it for my son and never go out of their way for him ever. Last summer they took my sister-in-laws kids (5 year old girl and 8 year old boy) to Ocean City for the weekend. As far as I know they paid for the whole weekend. My husband and I were told all about it but not until after. You would think that my in-laws would have come down anther weekend and spend it with my son and do something special with him...NOT!! This is something that happens all the time. My sister-in-laws kids get showered with Grandma and Papa's time and love but my only son (4 years old) gets very, very little. They are very, very selfish people and I can't change them. They do things only when other people will know about them so they look like wonderful grandparents! It's very sad.

First: Take care of your daughter. Put a gift card for her favorite place to shop in a card and mail it to her. Say something about it being late and how sorry they are. If and when your in-laws come have your daughter show them the card. Have her thank them for the nice card and the gift.

Second: I would talk to your husband about how you feel. Maybe unlike my husband he will do something about what is going on. Then I would I would reserve a room at a hotel for your in-laws for the dates they "Plan" to come visit. DO NOT PAY FOR IT! Make sure you tell the hotel that fact. Then you will see how much they really want to come if they need to pay for a place to stay. DON'T go out of your way and have them stay with you. You don't need to stress.

Third: This sounds a little off the wall but it works for me and my girlfriend. In your mind create a little black box with no bottom. Every time, and it sounds like it going to be a lot of times, your in-laws do or do not do something that hurts your daughter or your feelings, open that little black box and put it inside. Slam the lid closed! You will lose all the bad things out the bottom of the little black box on your way thought life. IF you keep all the upsetting times with you they will keep eating at you and make you unhappy. So get rid of them!! You also need to create a HUG White box with a very secure bottom for all the good things in life too. It worked for me.

I thought I was one of the few with problems like this. If any one would like to vent about their In-Laws I would be happy to talk with you and we can vent together.Let me know and I will send my email address. Good luck to all of you with you in-laws.

J., I have had a similar situation w/ my husband's "adopted parents". They are close friends that my husband has decided should be our children's "adopted grandparents". Unfortunately, it has turned out that they only want to be grandparents when the mood strikes them. I don't feel comfortable confronting them myself, so I air my grievences to my husband and he deals with them. The most important part is having my husband understand how this affects our children, not that it upsets me. It makes the kids sad that they don't see these people as often as when they were babies. It hurts their feelings when we do go to visit them and they see their "grandmother" ooohing and aaaahing over someone else's baby.
Explain to your husband what his father's promises of sending of card does to your daughter. How he gets her expectations up, only to have her be disappointed over and over again. Maybe he can suggest to his father that when he calls to wish her a happy birthday, he not mention sending a card and then when it does arrive, she'll be surprised. Just be sure to make the situation be about your daughter and how she's feeling, and not about how unreliable his father is or how much it upsets you.
Good luck! T.

Hi J.~Sorry for your daughter's disappointment. We have a simmilar sort of situation but the children are much younger...It may be good, for your husband, to allow a visit but suggest that they stay @ a hotel. There doesn't seem to be a reason to tell your daughter about it in advance in case he doesn't show.

Making it clear to your daughter that his lack of follow-allow it hurts her feelings-isn't a reflection of how important she is.

It's entirely possible that he's a good person- despite the fact that he's completely self-absorbed- and doesn't realize the damage he's done-what an opportunity for your hubby to have a heart-to-heart w/him! Best of luck! -P.

Ya know what J. been there done that with the inlaws well more so my mil and i still go through it i kinda just Ignore her really if i were you i would tell your daughter the truth that grandpa probably isnt gonna send her a card how sad it is for a little one to hear really i know my mil has 5 grandchildren my two included and she always does more for one and nothing for the others it used to really make me angry but now i tend to not let it get to me maybe you can do something special for your daughter to make up for grandpas lie ya know and in the furture she will get the gist that grandpa didnt do for her so he probably wont do for her and if he does he does thats nice but that way shes not expecting it from him ya know what i am saying .....thats how i do it here i dont make a big deal of it my mil i have to tell her when my kids birthdays are and then she will say i have to write that down or i will forget ok whatever lol my girls are used to just me getting for them anyways my mom is passed away but she never did her grandchildren different .good luck

Your story sounds very familiar! My inlaws like to forget about us for months on end- when I finally convince my husband to call them- they accuse me of witholding the children! I can't win.
My advice for you is to give up trying. I did and it makes my life so much easier now! I don't take it personally when they don't follow through. I never tell my daughters when their grandparents make plans- that way my kids can never be disapointed. If my inlaws actually come over when they say they are going to- well the kids are happily surprised!
I have accepted that they only want to be involved in our lives when it is convenient for them. I never ask them for anything and I never offer them anything. I am always polite but I never go out of my way for them.
Someday perhaps they will realize what they are missing out on- but I have realized that it is not my job to tell them!
Good luck and I hope my experience has been helpful to you.
-S.

That's sad for your daughter. I think she is old enough to understand that granddad doesn't always follow-thru on what he says. You can't help her from being dissapointed, but you can talk to her about it. I would use it as an opportunity to teach her why it's important to be responsible and follow-thru on promises. Hopefully she will learn from it and grow up to be more considerate than he is. I think it would be appropriate for her father to have a talk with his father about the affect his empty promises have on the family. I'm sure your daugher is not the first person to feel the brunt of it. I have learned that no matter how many children you have, as you get older you quickly forget what it's like to have kids. At the very least, he may just be out of touch with how you and your daughter feel, and not understand the impact of his behavior. Good luck!

My daughter's father pulls the same kind of thing. He says he will get her and never does, tells he he has a gift for her, which she never receives. Never bothers to call. My suggestion is don't tell her if Gramps is coming, and don't tell her if he says he is sending something. IF he does, then it will be a nice surprise, if not, she never knew anyway. And I would also suggest telling him he is NOT ALLOWED to tell her he is coming or sending anything, because he has been unreliable up until this point and it just hurts her. good luck.

liz

If I were you I would probably buy a cute card put some $ in it & mail it to my daughter. Yes I would write my inlaws names on it. Not to make my in laws look good but to keep from seeing my daughters sad face every day. If a card does eventually make it from them than you could explain to your daughter that you did it because you love her & didn't want her to be sad anymore. She wont complain too much about getting extra $$.
Try not to let their actions or lack of actions eat at you. Just try to do what is best for your family & enjoy life.
I know it is easier said than done but I hope this note helps.

sorry you have a grandparent like that....did you ever speak to your husband about this adn if so what does he say?? maybe you can talk to your husband and have him talk with his dad how you would like him to be more involved with his grandchild... you can force someone to be the way you think they can be but you can tell them not to make promises they are not going to keep so they dont hurt your childs feeling..

I would say not to mention to your child if they are coming or sending something so if it does happen it will be a surprise for her.. and she wont be dissappointed..

good luck

I am sorry your daughter has to deal with that also, but I understand about your feelings. Trust me, in-laws can be often difficult to deal with.

I agree with the others that she is old enough for a little truth. Talk with her about it. I am sure that I am not the best person to give advice about that. (My in-laws dog bit my daughter in the face, she spent four days in the hospital due to a subsequent infection, and the dog is still in thier house (I should add that the dog bit another family member in the face as well.)) My daughter has to deal with the fact that she is still mad at her "mee-ma" but still loves her. I am sure that this is similar with your daughter (my daughter is six). I have tried to talk with her about her feelings about what happened and her mee-ma in general, I have even enlisted the help of counselor's at school. The counselor told me that for them to feel anger is okay and that they often feel guilty about being mad at someone in their family which confounds the anger. My best advice (for what it is worth) is to tell her it is okay to be mad, and to still love her grandfather. Explain that everyone in a family sometimes has disagreements and that it is normal to feel angry. I even went as far as to ask my daughter if she wanted to tell her mee-maw how she felt, but she opted not too, but that offer seemed to make her feel better.

Good luck.
L.