Did I Handle This Right?

Two things: I think it was right to stand your ground. He didn't do it in 3 minutes so he doesn't get the reward.

BUT, my son, nearly 4, cannot yet understand this sort of forward thinking. I used to do things like you did, too, but I realized that he needs the reward (or lack of reward) to happen right away. He doesn't understand "You didn't do this something half an hour ago, so you don't get this now," even when I state it in advance. At the very least, he needed to know as soon as the 3 minutes are over that he lost his Lucky Charms. My son doesn't yet have the ability to think into the future (and thus into the past) about rewards, and he would absolutely react the way your son did because he genuinely wouldn't understand that something he hadn't done earlier caused him to lose the reward. This is something that will come with maturity, that kids do develop eventually, and only you know if your son already has this ability or not. But it is something to consider, when you are making promises that may be too far in the future for him to currently process.

ETA: Since you promised him Lucky Charms in the parking lot, probably out of desperation, bring them when you pick him up from school. This is the future/past thinking thing above - if your son has not yet developed the skill-set to understand a future loss of rewards, it will just be you breaking your promise. He won't be able to connect it to his earlier misbehavior.

I've totally been in the frustrated place that you are in now. Good luck!

well, you were wishy-washy with your son. You told him one thing and did another. Do you NORMALLY get a response from him? Do you NORMALLY set the timer?

he had a change in routine and wanted to see what he could get away with. He found out. He was allowed to throw a tantrum.

You told him you would bring him Lucky Charms. Now you have to make good on your word and bring him Lucky Charms. Next time don't make a promise or give your word when he is not behaving properly.

Perfect example of what happens when adult logic meets kid logic. In his mind, he did exactly what you asked him to do. What was probably 6 - 7 minutes (in real time) FELT like 3 minutes for him. He shaped up, got his stuff done, (was probably real proud of himself for getting it done), then got shot down when he asked for his reward. Thus the meltdown - the *unfairness* of it all must have really upset him.

I think what you're planning to do per your SWH is probably a good idea...

I think we've all gone through something like that at some point. You are on a time schedule to do something and your young ones don't seem to understand what needs to be done. Then you feel bad all day long about what was said or how you handled it and they've gotten over it the minute you were out of sight.

At age 3 1/2 they have no concept of time so telling him he had 3 minutes wasn't really giving him any direction. They don't usually understand bribing for things they have to do now but will be rewarded for in the future. It's got to be more concrete. I always found it easier to make things a game by doing a 'let's see how fast you can get on these pants.' They'll usually take the bait and get it done. If not then you basically have to do everything for them just to get them out the door.

It's ok to tell him that you were sorry that you both had a bad morning. Let him know that maybe you can both do better next time. As far as the Lucky Charms? I'd probably stop off with him in the car on the way home and get some. You won't be rewarding him for his bad behavior and it'll make you feel better.

Ouch. Did you send him to school with no breakfast at all?

If this were my daughter, I'd say not handled correctly. Nothing sets her day and behavior off on the wrong foot like waking her up and then rushing her. Kids don't have a concept of time or the urgency that we feel...so it's like waking her up and handing her my burden to carry for me. I've been there and so understand...in fact, this morning was that way for us...she had an early dr appt and wanted to dawdle all morning. It maes me crazy! THat's the next thing that worsens my daughter's day....me getting stressed, upset and crazy. My anxiety transfers onto her which creates insecurity for her and sets her on the wrong foot. Once I bribe her, if she makes the effort to comply, then she expects the reward. Since the timer wasn't set so there were no reminders of timing, he probably figured "I got ready, so I get the reward" even though it wasn't within the 3 minutes. Finally, her day is going to only get worse if I don't give her a reasonable breakfast, preferably something with some protein included. On the rough days, the quicker I can get her into school for the teacher to take, the better for both of us.The longer it takes to get her in, the worse her entire day will be. All that said, I've been where you are and know how easy it is for that to happen when we're in a hurry and stressed out. What I do is offer a genuine apology to her that night, ensure her of my continued love and ask her forgiveness. Kids are very forgiving; you'll both feel much better. Bring him the Lucky Charms, too:-)

If this is an unusual occurrence, bring him the lucky charms. We all have bad days, especially if we are tired. If it becomes a pattern, then you can instill consequences.

But he's only 3. Three year old kids lose it sometimes. Nothing to worry about.

Don't beat yourself over it. Just take it as a lesson learned. The key is really knowing that you have to stick to your son's skeleton of a morning routine that is already established. The first mistake was letting him sleep in. The second mistake was telling him to hurry up and then place the responsibility for your getting to work on time on him. The third mistake would have been promising him Lucky Charms that you didn't already have in the house AND not using the timer. All of those things together led up to the meltdown, not his being tired. I'm sure he's tired but snaps out of it most mornings.

I also would not have threatened having his teacher get him out of the car, especially since that puts her in the very awkward position of having to put YOU in the awkward position of lying to your child by not coming out to get him.

Buy a box of Lucky Charms. Establish it as typical breakfast and not as a reward. What I would do is apologize for contributing to a difficult morning, but also have him apologize for making some choices that got him in trouble this morning. He chose not to obey in getting ready promptly, and that was disrespectful. His own behavior did contribute to the situation so he has to take some ownership.

Again, it's a learning curve. I still go through these mornings with my girls who are all older than your son. We've worked out a lot of kinks, and the problems occur when the routine gets thrown off. My girls are all very reliant on routine and they know what time it is (well, they can make an accurate guess) just based on where they are in their morning routine. Change one detail, and it all goes to pot.

At 3 yrs old, they don't have a concept of 3 min vs 6 min and are not good at hurrying. I would say this is on you since not enough time was allowed in the morning and he was allowed to sleep late. Kids only feel frustrated when asked to hurry and their weapon is to not cooperate since words are not their forte yet. If pressed for time, next time give him the choice. "Do you want to get your pants on yourself like a big boy or should I do it for you?" You shouldn't have to reward expected behavior like trying to dress, but allow enough time for dawdling, like most kids do.

Here's my 2 ¢:
The morning started off poorly when you let him sleep late and then had to rush him to be ready on time. No one likes waking up and already being late. It's so much better to wake him earlier so there's a bit less pressure on everyone, timewise.
He wasn't listening so you bribed him to get him to do what you wanted. All that taught him was to act up and see what you offer him, instead of act up and face this consequence. You also set an unclear time limit and didn't immediately let him know when his continued misbehavior caused him to miss out on the promised treat. Next time, I would recommend "Please get dressed like a big boy. If you aren't dressed like I asked by the time I come back in the room, I will get you dressed and we won't have time to stop for Lucky Charms.". Then, if he still isn't listening "Ok, you're still not dressed, so I'm going have to get you dressed and you missed out on the treat."
In the car, you again bribed bad bahavior with a treat and gave the power of deciding to get out if the car to your child. I wouldn't bribe or cajole, I would simply take him out of the car. You are the parent and are still bigger than him, right?
Finally, when you did make a consequence for his actions, you removed all of your power and authority by threatening to have the teacher get him out of the car. Why would you want him to be more responsive to behaving in the teacher's presence than your own? When you threaten your child with someone else providing the discipline, you tell your child that you have absolutly no power in the relationship and that there is no reason whatsoever for them to listen to you since you will do nothing.
I think you simply need to look at your entire approach to discipline and reevaluate what messages you are sending.

Sorry, but you pretty much set him up to fail. You let him sleep late, woke him up abruptly, expected him to hurry despite this and then bribed him and then took away the bribe (he has no idea what 3 minutes is). The good news is tomorrow is another day and every day does not need to be perfect.

He was not 'allowed' to throw a tantrum. Nor was he testing boundaries to see what he could get away with. He was tired and hurried and pushed beyond his emotional maturity (not intentionally of course - sometimes everyone has a bad morning). He is three - he has ZERO understanding of why being on time might be important to you. It certainly has no importance to him - he does not understand being late.

And 'never backing down' as recommended by one poster - all that teaches is that he should never back down. I would rather my son see that when I make a mistake, I say I am sorry and change my behavior. No one deserves Lucky Charms - children don't need to 'earn' food. I don't believe in bribing kids (I don't think it works and it feels wrong to me) - but I do believe in keeping promises and you promised him Lucky Charms.

yes I would still bring him the lucky charms as you want to show him that you follow through with what you say.

These situations are always hard. Looking back there is always something you as a parent would have done differently. I would have set a timer as it is hard for a 3 year old to judge time. I am sure that he thought that he had gotten dressed in time and out the door for school so he should have been given lucky charms.

My advice is to sit him down tonight after work and talk to him. Tell him that you are sorry things happened the way that you did but you need him to listen to you. Tell him next time you will set a timer so he knows how long he has to get out of bed, dressed and in the car.

My son had problems with transitioning from one activity to the next. We found that a timer was great as well as giving him plenty of warnings on what was coming next.

Good luck. Parenting is just so hard. Please don't be hard on yourself.

It's hard to know if you handled it right...as parents we just have to deal and get through these times the best we can. I think you did the right thing by sticking to your guns. Since you told him after the tantrum that you would bring him lucky charms after work, you should follow through (show him you keep your word).

Let this be a teachable moment for both of you. Next time set the timer anyway so it goes off and it's clear if he made the deadline or not. Remind him that when conditions are set, they are kept.

What's done is done, Bumblebee. You did what you thought was best at the moment, so why give yourself a hard time about it now?
And is there any such thing as handling it "right"? My definition of right might not be the same as another mom's definition.
If what you want to know is "What would you have done?" then here is my answer (and this is the hindsight is 20/20 answer, so no judgments from me):
I would have set the timer for 3 minutes. Timer goes off=no Lucky Charms.
If I forgot to set the timer (definitly have done this in the past): Still no Lucky Charms if I still knew it was longer than 3 minutes.
As for Lucky Charms later...that would be a no go for him after the fit in the car. I would tell my son that I don't bargain with terrorists;)
Sorry you had a rocky start to your day.

Uh, don't beat yourself up over Lucky Charms or a moment of being an adult instead of professional mom! He got to school, you got to work. Men would tell themselves, congratulations!

Never let them sleep late, it just messes up the timeline and doesn't really count for much over all. No bribes, just rewards.

ok hes 3 1/2. you cant expect him to just jump in to getting ready. knowing that you may have had a problem since hes use to daddy getting him ready you should have got him up at 7 to get him ready then he had time to slowly do what he likes to do. he did respond to your get ready in 3 mins he just didnt do it right then and there he finished that tantrum and then got dressed.

if it were me i wouldnt have waited for him to do it i would have said look its time to get ready lets get dressed. i would have dressed him kicking and screaming. i also dont like using bribery to get my kid to listen. i wouldnt give him the lucky charms tonight but instead save them for when you have to get him ready next. that way you can say look what i have lets get ready so you can eat them on the way to school.

Wow do not cave in. Hang in there and stick to your guns, he did not earn his reward so he doesn't get it.
Children have very short memories so he may not even remember the exact moments of this morning. If he does and you cave in all you have taught him is "if I throw a fit in the car, I get what I want". It's not easy but some days mom has ro be the tough guy.

Every kid that age has meltdowns of that sort, and when there's a change in the routine (mom instead of dad in the morning) and when things are rushed, they're just about inevitable. Don't beat yourself up about this.

For future reference, though, I personally wouldn't offer an incentive for something basic like getting out the door in the morning. It's better to make school itself an incentive: "All your friends are asking, 'Where's "Johnny," where's Johnny?' They're looking for you everywhere. Quick, let's go!"

At that age, too, kids are too little for deferred gratification. If you had some Lucky Charms right there, where he could see them, that might work, but for a 3 1/2 year old, the promise of something that's not tangible -- there's something I'm supposed to get, but I can't see it, waaaah -- just makes things worse.

For today, I guess you could get some Lucky Charms as a reward for future reference, so if he asks for them you can say, "You didn't earn them this morning, but if you pick up all your toys now, you can have one," but long-term, the sooner the Lucky Charms bribe is forgotten, the better off you'll be.

Yes, you were right to stand your ground. NEVER EVER back down!

But, I'm a part time nanny to a 3 year old girl and I know that she doesn't understand the 'if you do this, I'll give you this' thing. I've tried it. It doesn't work.

If you take your nap, when you wake up we can watch that annoying movie about the fairies (Tinkerbell). 2 hours later, no nap has been taken and she still thinks it's time to watch the movie which then results in a meltdown when I stand my ground and say no.

Heck, I don't think she even understands when I say things like 'If you just take two bites of the broccoli, I will let you be done' because she never gives in and ends up sitting at the dinner table for more than an hour just crying/whining about the stupid broccoli.

Hell no, you don't bring him the lucky charms...he was acting badly and does NOT deserve them. I also would not have let him sit in the car for over 10 minutes throwing a tantrum. I would have dragged his little butt kicking and screaming into school.

He needs to understand that Mommy has to work in order to provide him with the things that he needs. Therefore, he does NOT get to throw a temper tantrum for no reason and make you late for work.

I am sorry that you had a rough morning. We have all been there and had to second guess ourselves too.

This was so me!!!!!! (Except ours involved Lego mini figures)

NO - you didn't handle it right. He has no concept of time. You said "Get ready = Lucky Charms" He did get ready, but you broke your word/promise to him, as far as he is concerned. THAT is what the temper tantrum was about.

YES - Go get the Lucky Charms! You don't want to 2x break your word. Of course have a good, heart to heart with him about what happened in the morning - with an emphasis on feeling rushed, working as a team. I would tell him I had made a mistake, but that is up to you.

REMEMBER - he is not even 4 years old - you are his Goddess, he thinks he can trust you - the temper tantrum was about that trust being broken, in his eyes.

I am sharing with you what was shared with me, because I was stupidly intent on "teaching him a lesson". He has the rest of his life and the world to teach him lessons, Mommy is supposed to be a shelter in the storm.

Make up with him and then try to rearrange your life, so it doesn't happen this way again . . . .

Good luck!

IMO, do not bring him the Lucky Charms. He did not earn it. You shouldn't have promised to bring any because he had a fit and he made you late.

If he doesn't get ready on time in the future, simply tell him he's going to school just like that - in his PJs, pullup (if he wears one at night) and with stinky breath.

With my DD, she knows if she gets ready on time, she can watch a TV show. If she does not, then she has no time for her show (usually Charlie and Lola, very short and ends right about when we need to leave). Period. If she gets upset, I remind her, "You didn't earn it. You chose to lay on the floor instead of putting on your clothes. Do better tomorrow and you get your show."

Remember, parenting is a marathon. Don't worry so much about the sprints that you forget the long haul. I was really sad to miss NYE with my DD, but I couldn't inflict her behavior on others and she seems to have learned her lesson. I *will* leave her home. I hear she cried a lot before she went to bed, but she had plenty of warnings about her behavior and she ruined my night.

If he needs extra time in the AM to wake up, don't let him sleep in. Wake him when YOU need him up and put him to bed earlier if that's what he needs. My DD has been sleeping longer lately and I think she needs to go to bed earlier to get back on schedule. The winter break messed it up.

Hindsight is 20/20. I would move on from this and just do differently the next time you take him to school.

You expect a lot from a small child. This is very stressful for you and even more so for him.

When you threaten to have his teacher do something, you are putting the teacher above yourself as his mother. Not a good idea. You are the authority not the teacher. She is a authority not The authority.

Keeping calm is key to it all. Don't let the schedule rule your life, you rule it. Children especially small children become accustom to routine and rythum of the day. Make it pleasant. Have a song to get him up or little pleasant sounding bell or chime. Have a song for getting dressed, getting in the car, etc. Keep it up using the same little songs and it'll make it easier and calm. Doesn't always work for the grumpies, but makes life much more pleasant and the child knows what to expect. You and your husband sing the same little song.