Differing Parenting Ideas

Kate and Emily are both right. If he is willing to take a parenting class, etc to work with you to be a father to your child - great. If he is not, then get out of this marriage. You can get it annulled and you'll all be better off.

I don't mean to be gruff, but I have to be blunt because I've been in this situation as a kid. Are you really surprised by this behavior, or did you not have an opportunity to see what he was like because you rushed into this marriage?

I am a child of 2 divorces - mom was a serial dater who kept looking for someone to "take care" of her. Please don't do this yourself and your son. If this relationship doesn't work out, the damage should be minimal because of the amount of time involved and your son's young age. Remember - every relationship you are in is not just 2 people, it's 3. Take your time, focus on your son. It will pay off huge in the future, believe me.

What was the big hurry to marry this man? It takes at least a year to really get to know someone. The first 6 months shoud be total bliss. If you're already fighting and can't agree on parenting styles, maybe you need to take a closer look at your marraige and get some counseling. It's only going to get worse.

You are the mother and you need to protect and care for your son. Yes, your son does have a say. Even though he's only 3, he is a member of the family. He has thoughts and feelings. He needs to be a part of every decission you make (including marrying a person you barely know).

Stop letting this man bully you. Stand up for yourself and your son.

By the way, why couldn't he go shopping while you stayed home with your son. That seems like the simple solution.

Arguing over how to take care of/raise your child is something that rears its ugly head even in happily married to EACH OTHER parents' relationships. So there should be no surprise that your new husband is going to have different opinions about how to do things than you are. Particularly in light of how little you know him (6 months is VERY fast for someone with a small child especially). What was your courtship like? Did you include your son in it much? Suddenly having a 3 yr old can be overwhelming for someone who is just thrown into it. It is hard for first time parents bringing home a new baby to adjust to how their lives change... sometimes a BIG adjustment that doesn't come easy. So, given that you are adding the husband rather than the child... expect it to be more difficult.

I can't tell you what to do, and I won't tell you that you're right or wrong (which sounds like what you are after); but know that you have gotten into a situation that is going to have a lot of stress on all sides that you will need to work through with communication, understanding, and love, if it is going to work. Did you discuss parenting ideas/roles before you decided to marry?

You need to sit down together (when son is not around) and discuss what you agree and don't agree on with parenting styles and discipline , then you need to meet half away and agree and stick to things , what you cannot do is argue over how to discipline in front of your son , who will quickly learn that x will allow this and x won't and play you off against each other. Yes he is your son , but as you have chosen to marry you both need to parent the same way and be on the same path as far as rules , boundairies go. Is his father involved in his life at all? If so then it would be best to probably discuss between the 3 of you what & how you would like him brought up and disciplined.

I agree that a child's tantrums should not dictate a family's daily schedule BUT being overtired is completely different from just being a brat. I NEVER push my kids to do something unnecessary when they are tired, because it is absolutely not their fault if they can't control themselves when their little brains are overwhelmed and their brains have run out of serotonin (which can only be restored to its proper levels thru adequate sleep.) Taking kids on unnecessary trips when they are tired is just asking for trouble.

Does your hubby have any kids of his own, or is this his first experience with parenting? He may need some education on parenting, especially during the early childhood years.

I have not read your other responses, but I can tell you what I did/have done...because I moved in with my SO ( Significant Other) when my oldest son had just turned 3. The pro's for me were I had known my SO for several years, had even been friends with him through my pregnancy and he had spent time with Tyler when Tyler was younger. None of that could prepare us for being a couple and living under the same roof. There were a lot of times when my SO felt awkward or felt as if it was my son and I "against him" which was not a good dynamic as you can see. I Never meant to make him feel that way and I am sure you don't want that either. What helped the most was sitting down and talking about what my expectations were, what I was comfortable with my SO stepping in and doing/helping with. The toughest hurdle was discipline. I can tell you that we had to really understand what was ok and what wasn't, once he knew what his role was he felt a lot more comfortable. I also made sure they had quality time together, as my son got older they had hobbies and eventually boy scouts. My son is 14 now and he will tell you that my SO is more of a dad to him than his biological father has ever been. If your husband has never been a father it is not easy to step into the role of step dad and know his role over night, you will need plenty of talks and patience. It might not be bad to get some counselling.

I definitely agree that it is not fun to take a toddler out when he is over tired and cranky...my youngest is 3 today, and we just made a late night dash to Target last night and he had a melt down in the store...never fun, I should have waited until today. Being a parent is a big commitment, and a major adjustment, as long as you approach your husband in a way that is not condescending and try and involve him as much as you can it should get better...I may not have the most popular opinion, but my firm belief is that a child's well being comes before the wants or needs of an adult, even if that adult is your husband.
I hope things get better...I would definitely try and let them have some good bonding experiences, the best way would be to ask your husband how he thinks he can be more involved = )

Hi K.,
I dont know how long you knew this person before you married him. How did he treat your child before you were married? This would have been a clue as to things to come. Now that you are married and the child is techinically 1/2 his he will want to decide how the child is raised. You need to talk about this now. Tell him how you feel, no one wants their child to be treated indifferently. The child isnt his so he isnt attached as emotionally as you are. There is no righ or wrong way to raise a child, there is comprimise and respect of each other and the child. Also , this change may beaffecting your cild more than you realize. He has a new dad, new home. He needs time to adjust and needs lots of understanding, also bond time with his new dad, so do you.

Well, without knowing more details I can't weigh in too much, but if I may be so bold as to say I think you're both right and both wrong. I agree with you that your son does have a say, but only to a limit. You are still the parent and therefore need to limit his "say". I believe in giving kids options most of the time...the key is to only give 2 options you're okay with of course, this way the kid feels like the have a say, and they kind of do, but really...you're still in control. I also agree with your husband that you can't let your son throw a tantrum and then concede to his demands. That is not okay. It will continue and will get worse and your whole life/marriage will be dictated by the child, again not okay. I absolutely agree that if something is going to be stressful, like the grocery store, do all you can to avoid it, but be firm and stay strong in your decisions. If you told your son he was going to have to accompany you to the store and when he threw a fit you changed your mind, probably not the best approach. You need to agree with your husband from the beginning when you're going to the store (if you're expecting him to watch your son) so he has a heads up on the situation too. You need to tell your son that you're leaving without him and that's that. If he throws a fit that he wants to come, don't let him, go anyway. Next time maybe you can let him choose, do you want to come to the store with mommy or stay home? Whatever he chooses make him do it, regardless of tears. The worst thing is that you have to leave the store early, which really sucks, but your son will learn really quickly if you decide to mean business. I try and follow Love and Logic...if you're interested check it out...it rocks!

I disagree with the poster who said "now that you are married, your son is 1/2 his." Your son is yours and his father's (you don't mention if he is in the picture) - no one else's at this point. I would sit down and talk to your husband about what YOUR rules are for your son. Explain to him that while you and your son are a package deal, you are ultimately responsible for raising him and therefore disciplining him. While this sounds cold, it might actually take a huge weight off of his shoulders - it absolves him of any responsibility for disciplining your son and if he isn't ready/able to do that, he shouldn't be anyways.

When I remarried, I made it very clear that my new husband was in NO WAY responsible for the diciplining of my children from my previous marriage. If he was caught in a circumstance where he was alone and needed to enforce something, he simply said "wait until your mother get's home."

Good luck.

To be honest with you you did move very quickly i really dont think you can know a person very well in 6 months....My opinion is hes your son and he was in your life long before your husband. Do whats best for your son he may only be 3 but he can feel the tension with the fighting. On the other hand you are married and if you wan to make it work you have to compromise and give a little. It will all work out!

I am sorry but I have to say the obvious: WHY ON EARTH DID YOU MARRY THIS GUY SO SOON? You barely know him and you marry him, move in with him and expect to have a happy little family? That is RIDICULOUS!

Of course you disagree with each other! You barely know each other and he barely knows your child or your parenting style and vice versa. Parenting is hard for for many couples who have been together for years before they have a child and it is something that is a learned skill, not something you acquire when you sign a marriage license.

If you want this one to last you better get yourself into relationship counseling AND parenting classes. And next time you fight over how you're parenting your son, you better think about what that's going to do to him I bet he can hear every word, even if he's not in the same room. You may love your new husband, but there is a pretty high likelihood that to your son he is still little more than a stranger that is now living with you and turning his world upside down! I am too a child of divorce and let me tell you, it no fun to have some of your first memories hearing your mother and her new partner fight about you.
Good luck!

Dear K. C., I echo much of the adivice below, so I will only add: from experience, as my mom dated a lot in addition to being extremely extremely narcisstic, please be your son's advocate. You are the only one he has right now to stand up for him, and he is too young to communicate all of his needs. That is what a momma is for. His feelings should not only count, but should be a priority. Dismissing your son's feelings and interests will negatively impact him now and later.
Take care. Jilly

Sounds like your hubby is the one with the tantrums and wanting to get his way. Your hubby "wanted" to go to the store and then you got in a fight because he didn't get his way.

You know what's best for your son and he shouldn't have to suffer because of a new hubby who is acting like a 3 year old.

I don't let my kids decide things for me, but as a mom I look to the best interests of my kids. You were doing the same by advocating for your son and avoiding a stressful situation.
Being a parent is not just about exerting control over kids. It's about caring for their needs as best as possible.

Your hubby acted very immaturely. After all, it was you who suggested another night to shop, not your son!

So sorry you have to deal with this! I hope your husband realizes that there is more to parenting than being in charge.

You guys need to sit down when the tempers aren't flaring and talk about this. If this is a first child, 3 years can be difficult to understand and very trying for first time parents.
You didn't tell us how he is disciplined under normal circumstance. Are their consequenses for his actions? Do you use time out if he is naughty? Tantrums when they are tired is one thing (not their fault), but a tantrum for no good reason - do you ignore and move on or do you use time out? If your son is acting up or doing something he shouldn't do, how do you react? Maybe you husband doesn't think your son is being disciplined at all.
You 2 need to agree on discipline or this will not work. At a certain age the child will see that the parents aren't on the same page and they will play you against each other.
The grocery store incident could've been handled by you giving him a list and him going alone, or him staying home and you going alone. Personally I do not shop at night because after a long day it is too hard on small children to handle being good, especially if they didn't nap very well.
His statement that the child has no say is actually correct. A 3 year old should not be "telling" you what you should or should not be doing.
With that being said, you have to use common sense. Don't plan activities or outtings when it's your son's nap time or close to bed time.
Good luck -

Sounds to me that you may have jumped in a little too quickly and didnt take the time to get to know this man first before marrying him. He sounds alot like the man my mom married right after she and my father divorced. He didnt like me at all and well I saw right thru the con he was. We didnt get along from day one . I was older than your son but my sister was about that age. From day one he was telling us how it was going to be around the place and he was just hanging out. Then she got pregnant and he started moving us from town to town never keeping a job and then he started abusing me physically. Eventually my mother just sent me away at the age of 13. She wanted a man not a daughter. If you care for your son any at all wake up now before its too late. The man is only complaining now but eventually it will turn physical. Take my advice and throw him overboard your son should come first.

You just have to answer one question for yourself: is this man more important to you than your child? Hopefully the answer is no. So, divorce him, and don't marry again until your son is 18 and out of the house. He is just a baby and deserves you to be focused on him. You are the adult; make the sacrifice and he will be so much better of for it.

Yes.....RUN!!! Do not walk to the nearest exit from a relationship with this man! As a mom of a blended family I can tell you that you do NOT need this person in your life. He will always be in conflict with anything regarding your son! This behavior is not the behavior of an adult!

I understand your situation and can emphasize with you. I met my husband and got married when my daughter was around one year old. She is now almost 6. If your husband has never had children which my husband did not- it can be stressful for him. Try to talk with him and be patient. It can be an uncomfortable situation and it might be a power situation between him and your child. In my situation things have gotten easier over time. My daughters dad is involved with her and this adds to our families stress (we were never married). There are many books on step-parents and blended families you might read that could help the balance in your family. Ask him questions and try to keep your husband involved in the decision making. One other thing I have learned is that parenting styles and discipline is difficult amongst husband and wives and so it is even more challenging with step parents.

Family counseling would be a good start. It will give you both the tools you need to make your blended family work. You have to remember that your husband doesn't have that bond with your son yet. Now if he refuses any counseling whatso ever then go without him. You can still learn and apply the things you learn. Communication and patience is the key to make it work. Since he doesn't have kids of his own he doesn't comprehend that your son's schedule is YOUR schedule. If he goes to counseling this will help him greatly. Good luck. I hope this helps.

I would advise putting your husband first, but not to ignore your child, and try to discuss issues you don't agree on calmly. You need to help him understand children and yet maybe your child needs to learn to be more flexible and work on the crabby issue. I think children can have a say in things but not control everything like when you go, where you eat, etc. They need to learn to be part of the family and not just control the family. I wonder if you moved too quickly, as you said, and didn't have time to think this through and know where you both stood on raising children. I guess you need to decide if you want a marriage with him or not. Hope it will work out.

If your husband wanted to go to the grocery store, why didn't he just go to the grocery store? Did he not successfully grocery shop before he married you? Strange...

Although, I kinda agree with the 3yr old not having a say in anything. At 3, my kids did what my husband and I decided they would do. We're the parents, we knew what was best for our 3yr old. Of course, we would never have taken a cranky tired child grocery shopping, just as you rightly didn't. And we would take into account their best interests, but the final decision about anything was very rarely the 3yr olds. But maybe take a minute to step back and see why your husband says you "baby" your son...is it possible there's *some* merit to his concern? I've seen mothers "baby" their 3yr olds, they're now spoiled brats who think mommy will take care of everything. I'm happy to say that my kids haven't suffered at all because of our decisions or strictness when they were little. They're not perfect, but they're happy, well-adjusted and, people tell me, polite and a joy to have around. And since your husband is going to be the primary father figure in your son's life on a daily basis, he really should have some say as an authority figure. I'm not divorced or remarried, so I actually know nothing about the dynamics of blended families, but it seems like common sense to me that since you've chosen this man as your husband, you three are now a "family", it's not just you and your son vs your husband anymore. I'm not saying you're wrong, and certainly your husband's little hissy fit about the grocery store was uncalled for, but just take a minute to really assess the dynamics of your new family and do what it takes to find the happy middle. Good luck!

Your son will NEVER be your husbands son...he will treat him differently and it will never be the same as raising his own son. It is ALWAYS different when it is your own kid. I agree that you possibly got married too quickly since there is a child involved. He is your son and your family and of course he won't get his way everytime but, he does have a say! I agree with pick your battles. PLEASE think very hard before you have a child with this man...he might favor his own child over yours which won't make a happy family life for any of you. Good luck !

Well, good luck because it usually doesn't get any better, especially when you rush into a marriage to a man who does not love your son. I married my husband when my son was 6 yrs old and he didn't care for him much. It was very hard because my husband didn't even try to be close to my son. One positive thing, if you can call it that, is that he didn't try to discipline him or involve himself with his issues. He just left that all up to me. Sometimes it was hard to be married, yet still play the single mother role but all in all it worked out. See, I compromised my ONE rule and that was I would never marry anyone who didn't really like or even love my child. I caved in and my son paid the price for 10 years. Now that he is 17, he and my husband are starting to create somewhat of a relationship but I take full responsibility for rushing into the marriage. I love my husband with all my heart but you have to realize that if your husband doesn't have good feelings for your son, then you must do something early on to try to change that. You also need to understand that your son is probably acting out because of this new life that he has been thrown in to. What did you and your husband expect of a 3 year old? This is perfectly natural. You should get into counseling with your son and husband asap and don't take no for an answer. If your husband won't go, then you need to take a step back and think about your future because your son should be your first priority. You had him in your life before this marriage happened. You also need to apply a standard set of rules and stick to them with your son or he will push you to your limits like most kids do. Even if everything with your husband and he were great, you'd still need to do this. You're not doing your son any favors by giving in to tantrums and letting him by with things. He'll be big someday and he needs to understand that you are not going to put up with bad behavior. I have 5 kids now (4 with my husband) and we raise them all to behave or they will have consequences and a 3 year old is able to understand this. Get some professional help. I promise, it will pay off in spades over time.

maybe new hubby just needs some time to adjust. and at 3, with a new stepdad and a completely new routine, baby boy is going to have some adjustment to do too. everyone is going to have to try extra hard to get along, for awhile. and since the three year old isn't quite old enough to "get" that, new hubby is going to have to step up. you did move really quickly. personally i'd be pretty mad if i were you. it doesn't sound like he's being a great husband or stepfather.

i would check out some parenting books together. i have faced this situation myself and its hard for mom to have to "give up" some say in how your child is raised. work on compromising with him, let him know you are open to new ways to do things. If it is a situation like the grocery store, agree to go, but let the husband know if the child has a melt down, he is responsible for handling it. you married him, and you wouldn't have done that if you thought that ur hubby wasn't right for your son too. (if your not sure of that, you should not have married him so soon) The most important thing is to present a UNITED FRONT to your son, let him understand that he can not manipulate one or the other parent, that he will get the same response from both.

Good Luck and Happy Parenting!

I hope the two of you will read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I think it will not only help you deal effectively with your son's normal "kid" behavior, but you might communicate better with each other, as well.

The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. Much of the book presents situations with good and not-so-good ways of handling them in a clear and easy-to-read cartoon format. Try it; I think you'll like it.