Disagreement About Childcare

You're so busy wanting to protect your mom's feelings, you aren't even willing to listen to your spouse. She is a big girl, she can (and should) take care of herself. You're throwing a fit, over an adult's perceived feelings. Have you always catered to her emotions?

You chose your husband. You chose to build a life with him, you chose to build a family with him. He wins. He should, at least. Your mother doesn't need your protection, but your husband needs you to back him up. Your job is to parent with your spouse, and protect your children. Not parent and protect your mother. I agree with him, in fact. You are so worried about her feelings, you can't even see his points are completely correct.

Trust is earned. Your husband has clarity regarding your mother and you do not. She is no way deserves the responsibility of watching your children. Drug addicts and recovering alcoholics who are working their steps get that they are addicts who messed up. If she is getting it together she would understand. You have a spouse who has an equal say in childcare decisions. I think you're way off base on this one. I suffered with co-dependency for half my life. Maybe you need some counseling to better deal with your mom? Best wishes.

There is no way I would leave my children with your mother. She is your mama, so you are looking at her with love and forgiveness.
In reality you mother has only been sober from drugs for a very short amount of time.
Is there a reason that his parents can't go to your mother's house and all of the kids can be watched there while visiting with both sets of grandparents?
If there is a reason, then I am on your husband's side. The health and well being of my kids outweighs hurt feelings.
L.
Edited to add - Shane - I can HONESTLY say that I have never been hooked on illegal (or legal) drugs. That is the issue for me, not that she left the kids asleep.

hmmm, unles you have had many many times in the last 2 years where you have been there and Actually SEEN your mom take good care of the kids, i have to side with hubby, and a compromise is that your mom gets to see the kids when you or your hubby are there to supervise.

It doesn't sound like she made great decisions even when she was sober. plus she is older now.

I personally would not leave them, unsupervised with her.

I'm afraid that I'm going to agree with your husband here. It does not mean that he is judgemental, doesn't love your mother, etc. The absolute top priority is the safety of your children, and your husband is right to have concerns.

Sorry...your husband is right to be concerned. Your Mom has done things that would cause any rational person to be a bit leery here. He is not saying that she cannot see the kids...he is saying that he is not comfortable with her being responsible for them. They are his kids too and he should be able to have a say in this.

I'm with your husband on this one.
Trust is earned.
And she's broken that trust, repeatedly, and hasn't earned that back.
(And can never earn it back "whole hog" by just experimenting by leaving the kids there. Long -years- slow process)
My children's saftey trumps anyone else's feelings.

Story of two Grammas in Recovery:

My MIL had been 'clean' for 'several years' when she took my 2yo to a park and left him there to go score. Another couple years clean, my SIL came home to find MIL blitzed and the kids high AND molested (by mom's boyfriend) after leaving the kids for 2 hours to see a movie.

My very good friend (18 years clean this year, never relapsed) spent the first TEN years earning that trust back (addicts in real recovery know it takes a loooooong time, like 5-10 years) to rebuild trust. As in she was never left alone with ghe kids, and saw them frequently. And that any broken trust may NEVER be re-earned. She was often angry at HERSELF for having out her kids in this position, but never at them. She caused this. And she was PROUD of her kids for restricting her access, and putting their kids first.

I would have to agree with your DH on this one. 2 years is not a long time to be clean and sober and if he wants to trust your mother again, she must earn it. She doesn't just get it back.
IMO, i dont care who you are, when you agree to watch someone else's children you don't take any kind of medication that could potentially affect your judgement! Some ppl are even sensitive to tylenol or ibuprofen. If you know your body has a reaction to this kind of OTC meds dont take them while you agree to watch someone else's child. Simple as that.
I think you over-reacted and caused a huge argument over something that your DH has every right to be concerned about. What if the situation was reversed and your MIL or FIL had a drug problem but was now clean for only 2 years? You know that you would be slightly concerned. You say that his comments about your mother hurt you, well what about his feelings? Dont you think you hurt him by choosing your mother over him? Because that is what you did! I think you need to apologize to him and talk this over again, hear him out and chose your battles wisely! Good luck!

You need to side with your husband. I mean, unless you're going to move in with your mom. HE is the one who matters in this situation. I know it's difficult to see it that way because you feel he's being stubborn. But really, he's being a protective papa to his kids. As he rightly should be. And you're getting defensive over his uneasiness towards your mother. He is not judging YOU. He is simply saying he doesn't trust her yet. Leaving your kids with her is a BIG deal.

Why can't the in-laws, cousins, etc all visit together? Maybe the grandparents could all pitch in together to take the kids on a fun day out.

I am with your husband on this one.

You can be right or you can be happy. At this point you both are not compromising. I understand that you truly feel that your mom can be trusted. Your H needs more proof. Sometimes we need to just pacify out partner. Your kids need to stay with your inlaws right now. You can go to your reunion and your H won't worry or you can stay home and pout.
Your choice. It's really not worth the fight.

Your husband does not trust your Mom.
He's allowed to have gut feelings and he's protective of his family.
If they are going to trust each other, they need to work on it so this won't be a problem in the future.
For right now go with his plan.

What do your family and siblings say about your mom's condition? Is she really clean, or just saying she is?

I wouldn't go on what she says. I would go there and gauge the environment first, before deciding to leave kids there.

Just curious...... you said she left the kids alone asleep while she took something to your grandmother who lives in the backyard.... that really isn't a big deal, unless the backyard is so large that she had to get in a car to drive there.... I'm assuming she didn't stay long?? That doesn't seem that big of a deal.

The other thing.... has your husband never taken some medicine that left him slightly incapacitated while caring for your kids?

Although I understand his concern about her past use of illicit drugs, it seems that she has changed her ways.....

Is there another person that could assist her in watching the kids? How old are the cousins? Will she be capable of watching your 4 kids, PLUS the other cousins? Could you hire a babysitter to "assist".... maybe a younger teen that is just learning to babysit? This person would be at your M.'s house, and be able to help play with the kids, as well as be there as an extra person.

2 years sober and clean? She should be fine. There comes a time when he is going to have to trust her.

Going into the backyard while the children sleep? Not a problem.. You could always take a baby monitor for her to use. .

The medication? I have had to take a pain pill a few times while watching my child when she was very young.. .. It made me loopy, but I was able to care for her.

Your husband has a choice. He can keep the kids himself.. or allow your mom to watch them. his parents already have plans.

Why can't his parents watch the kids at your mom's house so all the family can be together? Your children can still visit family during the weekend, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Since you do not live around your mom and can't accurately know how clean and such she really is, than I side with your husband. Your husband is not being judgmental, he is simply being cautious. When dealing with your child's safety, it is best to always err on the side of caution, even if it means hurt feelings. You are just a little more biased so you don't see it that way. And I can relate b/c my father also died and my mother went through something very similar.

I can totally see your husbands point of view on this one, I wouldn't leave my kids with her either. You have four very young children that require a lot of care and supervision that's a lot for a grandparent. I think you are in the wrong to 'side' with your mom instead of your husband.

I know you want to trust your mother, but the fact is that your husband doesn't. He has every reason to trust his parents more regarding the care of the children when they're a valid alternative to your mother. You're also assuming that your mother has been clean for two years. You simply don't know that for a fact, and I suspect that your husband doesn't want to hurt you by saying that he doesn't believe she's been completely clean and sober and that THAT is why he doesn't trust her.

I'm sorry... but do you really want to risk your childrens safety in order to avoid hurting your mother's feelings? Why can't you simply say to your mother that you made other arrangements for child care while you're in town? You only have to tell her that it's because your husband's parents don't get to see the kids very often and would love to have a turn babysitting. Don't make it be about her when you talk to her.

Being a recovering addict, I am all too familiar with the biased and how people refuse to accept that someone has changed their lifestyle and have faith in their recovery.

Your mom has been clean for two years. She got caught up in the addiction when she was depressed over your father's death. That is understandable, at least to me. People become addicted to prescription drugs all the time. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that some of the moms on this site are or have been addicted to prescription meds. Problem is as long as the doctor prescribes them, they don't see themselves as drug addicts. But they are. They won't realize it until the doc stops prescribing and they find themselves looking for the drug on the street just like your mom did. It's extremely common.

I think your plan is fine. And I understand not wanting to hurt your mom's feelings and I certainly understand your hurt feelings. If it were me, I would probably refuse to go as well.

The two incidents you site do not seem to be a problem. Drugs or not, there is nothing wrong with leaving the kids in the house alone while they are sleeping to go into the backyard! Again, I would just about bet that every mother on this site has left their kids sleeping and gone outside for one reason or another. As for the pill incident, she apparently did not realize what it would do to her and I'm sure if she had, she wouldn't have taken it.

Sorry your feelings are hurt. This issue will probably raise it's ugly head again. Your mom can't change her past; too bad your husband continues to live in the past. He should be careful; karma is a bi**ch! You never know what's going to happen in the future so people should try not to be so judgmental.

Im sorry, but your husband 's very valid concerns for the safety of HIS children trump your mother 's feelings every day of the week! How would YOU feel if you were truly concerned about your kids safety and he didn't respect your feelings as a parent?

If she has been clean and sober after 2 years she is fine to watch the kids. Go and have fun and once you are there you can assess the situation to see how your gut feels after seeing her home and how she is acting.

Any person can take a medication and be loopy. I can take Benadryl and have the same effect. That would not make me a bad person to watch kids, it's not something I take a full dose of even if I have an allergy attack.

I think he is being unrealistic. Once you are there you can decide how it feels and make the choice. Otherwise he can go with you and he can babysit while you go have fun.

Wow.
From the responses, I hope we're all able to say we NEVER left our kids asleep in the house while we went out to get something in the car, walked out to the mailbox, stood on the front sidewalk to talk to a neighbor for a few minutes......

I hope we all can say we NEVER took any medication for allergies, broken bones, recovering from surgery, etc, or had a glass (or two) of wine that may have impaired us in some form.

That said, I get that your mom has had problems and I get that your husband may not trust her. Exactly how can she regain his trust and how many years does he believe it should take? Have you come out and asked him that question? If he says he's NEVER going to trust her, then you have a real problem.

You tried to compromise by letting the older two kids be with her and other family members. I don't know how mature your oldest is, but at 6, my kids both knew how to use a phone. I understand that "hoping" your mom would be on her best behavior is different than having certainty, but how will you ever have certainty if she is never given a chance?

Just saying.

I don't think you should refuse to go all together.
Leave all 4 kids home with your husband, let him figure it out, have a great time at your reunion and spend some time with your mom.

Your older kids will be disappointed. Your mom will be disappointed. The cousins will be disappointed. Don't carry the weight of all that. Your husband has drawn a line in the sand. He can't stop YOU from going, having fun, and having a relationship with your family.

He has trust issues and he may well have a right to them. So...HE can take care of the kids while you're gone.

Problem solved.

For now....because when you get back, you will really have to delve into what it's going to take for your mom to ever gain trust back.

I see that many moms say she must EARN it, and two years of sobriety isn't enough.

How can she EARN it and how many years is good enough?
That's between you and your husband.

Go yourself! Have a great time. Get some perspective. Don't let this ruin your reunion. This issue will still be here waiting to be resolved after you've come back from something that's important to you.

Best wishes!

WHY, can't your Husband, take care of the kids while you are on your trip?
That is the most common sense thing.
You are going for a class reunion... why take all your 4 kids with you?

OR, why can't your Husband go too? And then, he can watch all your kids.

How old is your Mom?
Is she still under Doctor's care?
Does she live alone? Is she remarried, which you said in a previous post.

Can she, take care of all those children, by herself, realistically?
How do you know.... she has been clean for 2 years? How do you know?
IS her home... child proofed?

What would you do, if the situation was reversed?
This isn't about your Mom, this is about your children AND their safety AND about your Husband and he does not trust her.
The safety about your children, is key.
Not about how your refuse to hurt your Mom's feelings.

The safest place for your kids is at your inlaws. Still the kids grandparents. The two situations your husband brings up, her batteling depression, your refusal to never hurt your mothers feelings. Those are all reasons that it would be best to leave the kids in the most healthy environment possible. Under there care. Why cant your mother go over with the kids and have all the grandparents watch over the kids. Four is alot and with the added cousins I dont see why they all cant get together.

We dont allow my inlaws to be alone with the kids. We could not find anyone once and had to use my fil. He tried to change my daughters wet diaper before we left (while getting ready). The diaper was on backwards AND inside out. not to mention he is medicated for being crazy, as well as my sil who is like a 14 yr old girl. Its hard to find some stable ppl. Oh and its not just his family members that arent the best care. My folks watched my son recently and my son 4 had a bobo. They werent watching him and he got into it with another and left a big bruse on him. The time before he came home with a black eye! I insisted he sleep in the play pen. They thought I would never find out and let him snuggle in bed...np really except at the time he was too small and fell out of the bed and banged his face on the night stand at 4am and did not take a nap at all and was a GROUCH. like the care isnt the best either side. We have found some sitters that take great care of them like it was us!

I agree with your husband.

This is a hard one.. I see both sides.

What is your mom watched the kids one day and his family watched them another?

You GO and enjoy your reunion - leave all 4 kids with Daddy and let them be HIS problem!

Your sister will be there also? Is she responsible? I have never left my daughter alone with my mom, but if my dad or aunt is there to supervise, I will.

I'm glad that you and your husband have come to an understanding. It's hard sometimes to make a decision when each person comes to the table with different perspectives and knows their own parents better. Thanks for giving us the update and showing us that two people can disagree and yet still have a compromise.

Just a heads up. In the future, you may have to hurt your mother's feelings as your family's needs must come before her. I can think of a few times when I was put in that situation. I had to learn how to make it the least painful for my mom and as a result, we still have a wonderful relationship. My husband and her are a bit strained but they don't have to see each other very often. They are just polite to each other.