Divorce :( - Cannon Falls,MN

I am sorry C.. That sounds so scary. Please reach out to a local domestic violence shelter who can offer you a list of things to be aware of / prepare for. You and the children do indeed need to be safe so good for you in reaching out here. Please consider counseling as well to best support you through this.

S. K., MFT

If your husband has a history of violence, this is a VERY dangerous time for you.
Please seek the advice of a women's shelter. They can guide you in leaving SAFELY and guide you toward HELP for supporting your family.
All the best!

You can do anything for those 2 little treasures which means being on your own, no longer stressed and afraid, confident and most important-Alive!

"What would you have done before you got divorced if you could go back and do it again? " I would have done it sooner. Don't forget to drain the bank accounts-let me guess-you don't have access??? Don't worry-the children are about to see a whole new side of you-be strong!

Hit the local Women's Crisis Center, they have tools to help you through the entire ordeal.

Good for you for having the courage to leave and start again.

I recommend counseling for you and the children.

Someone mentioned serving at a restaurant, good idea, you can make decent money and always have cash available. I am also going to add that if you can get a part-time job in a retail store that you like to shop in, do it. Employees get a 20-25% discount on purchases. Kids outgrow their clothes soooo fast and if you need to build a nice wardrobe for yourself to get a good job you will be able to for much less and do it quickly.

Good luck, PM me if you need to
Been there --- done that.

I would take some money out of your bank account and get a lawyer right away. The lawyer will help you file to start the divorce and with his history of violence ( expectally if you have ever had to call the cops or had to go to the hospital/ dr because of it) and they will file a restrainig order against him because of the possibility of harm to you or your children. They will serve him the divorce papers and the restraining order at the same time.

Once he gets out of the house call dept of human services and they can help you get food stamps, renters asst etc. They can even set you up with FIB. With FIB they will hook you up with Promise Jobs and they will help you get a job, schooling, travel money, write a resume all the things you need to start off on the right foot. This is assuming that you don't have a large amount in your savings. It doesn't matter if you have contributed to the account or not, if your name is on it you are intitled to any money in there!

Dont be afraid to ask for help from others. Don't look at it as a hand out but a hand up to the new better start for you and your kids.

Good luck and remember you are a strong person!

Get help through a woman's crisis center or women's shelter. They are trained and equipped to answer and handle all of your concerns about housing and work. They can also help you as you procede with getting protective orders for you and your children. This may help with the divorce...as You wouldn't want him to get custody... so prepare now by going to get help.

Here in Minnesota, if you can get to the metro, you can contact the Harriet Tubman Center in downtown Minneapolis.

Before you bail....HAVE a plan of action especially dealing with the violence. Do you have money saved? If not, get a separate account asap and start putting money in there he can't touch. If the violence is that bad seek out a woman's shelter. I would have your finances in order and have an emergency suitcase ready to go.

What? You have been there long enough, poor you and children! Get help from your family (can you move in with someone until you get on your feet?) and contact a shelter or a battered women association which will provide you with psychological support and free leagl aid. If he's violent, you need to document HOW (make a journal, take photos of bruises, record his voice etc..) chances are you'll get full custody of your poor kids. I would NOT want to leave them with him and would not feel guilty about separating them from an underserving, violent, crazy abuser. Stay strong, you can do it!

hey, i was in your same shoes, i have a daughter an had an abusive husband. however when i got out of that relationship it has been the best thing for me. i work part time as a server, an im goin back to school full-time. It i wont lie is hard, however you can get foodstamps, child care, sence he was abusive i would go talk to someone in your area they can offer housing for you, i know in my area i was elligeable for an apartment, if i chose to. look at your options,
Good luck

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My parents marriage was the same and my mom got out when I was young. There were 3 of us kids. She moved close to her sisters, so that helped a little. She also was a stay at home mom with us, but God was watching over us and she found a job soon after our relocation. We rented a house.
Of course the economy was better back then.

You are brave for recognizing and taking action. Be careful.

1. If you do not have a job you are at risk of him getting custody. Over and over and over again moms on this page are seeing it, my friend is a good mom and the judge gave her kids to the hubby simply because he was working and able to support the kids.

She has applied over and over for jobs and cannot find one, she is competing with MBA unemployed people so they are getting hire for McDonalds and Walmart. Not the people who only have a high school diploma and no work history.

So get a job today, not next week or next month but today, Even if you are still living together you have to be able to show you can support these kids without him or he can get them and make your life hell.

2. If he gets the kids he will ask for spousal support and child support and get them. You will be working full time and giving nearly half you gross to him. You should not expect to live on spousal support or child support at all. Your lifestyle should reflect that. You'll need an apartment or rental house that you can afford on minimum wage and be able to manage the money part of it without any money from him. That way when the judge looks at you as the prospective custodial parent he will respect you a lot more. Judges are tired of "lazy" SAHM;s expecting a free ride on their soon to be ex-hubby's income.

3. Do not do any kind of joint custody. If this happens he will try to manipulate and control you every chance he gets.

4. Have it stated that if the kids are in activities such as sports, dance, theater, art programs, school activities, etc...that fall on the other parents visit the parents must provide their children with transportation to and from any practices, performances, games,

IF you get custody do not let him have tax privileges at all. You support the kids and they live with you, then you deserve to get the unearned income tax monies.

5. Having everything, every detail written down in the court papers is so much easier in the long run. That way he cannot argue and you cannot get into trouble because he thought this or that meant something else.

Some examples are:

Ex-Hubby (EX)
Mom
Kids

During regular school semesters. EX will pick up kids at XXX at 6pm on Friday evening and have children at XXX at 6 pm on Sunday. During his visits he is responsible for clothing, feeding, providing acceptable child care if he has to work, and all other costs that he may come across.

EX is required to have the children on his health insurance and if the company he works for does not allow this he must pay out of pocket for his insurance, it may not be lass coverage than he has now. (The list specifics so that it is written down).

During school breaks that are for 4 days or more such as Winter Break, Thanksgiving Break, Spring Break, and summer break. Regular visitation is expected with the option of EX taking kids the last day of school at 6pm until the following day before school starts at 6pm.

EX is to have the children from XX day of June until XX day of June then again from XX day of July to XX day of July.

Each holiday should be listed and how you plan to divide those family holidays like Christmas and Easter. He should have them every other year on the main day if it matters to either of you.

For instance, one year you have them both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, the next year he has them both days.

Or you trade off one year you have them Christmas Eve then he picks them up at 6pm and has them all day the next day then the next year it is opposite.

This will make it much easier. There will be less interaction when it comes to discussing visitation. He may try to change it later to be better suited to the kids schedules but then again, you may want to change it later on too.

One thing to consider is child care and activities. If you get it written in that he is to pay any part of those charges he may just choose to not pay. He may not care, they can sue him, it doesn't matter to him. It is truly embarrassing to show up at dance class to be told "I'm sorry, the kids can't stay until your bill is paid from last month". If he just does not pay it is NOT the businesses job to be a bill collector. It is your job to pay the bill and get the money from him. So don't count on him paying those bills at all. He may be ordered to do so but that won't make him do it.

It's the end of the nightmare. Freedom is ahead! You do need to keep yourself and your kids safe.

The first thing to do is get away from him. Talk to child protective services about getting a protection order - also one for yourself, because you'll probably need to. He hurts you because he hurts inside, and he will be hurting more when you leave. Then, I would apply for section 8 housing, food stamps, etc. They are there for people in need and right now you are. It's only temporary. Think about applying for classes at a local college. I've found Legal Aide to be very caring and helpful. If you feel comfortable talk to a pastor, counselor - basically get the support you need from positive people who understand. Avoid negative people. Listen to your own heart.

I've been through this twice and I know that God was there and helped me - without a doubt. The first marriage, I didn't think I could leave! When I left I didn't know I wasn't coming back. I prayed for a chance to get away during one of his rages. When I got it I took it and left. I took the kids and went to my church. Once I told my story I knew I wasn't going back, that I didn't have to. I took my kids left with nothing else and it was the best thing I could have done!

The first time I stayed with my dad. The second time I stayed at a women's shelter for 2 1/2 months - I made a friend there too. It's the beginning of freedom.

You're on your way girl!

I agree with seeking help from your local women's shelter. They can provide you with emotional support and resources.

My husband was very abusive and very controlling and I knew I had to be strategic about things. I also needed a place to hide the day I knew he would be served the papers and the days following while he was given the opportunity, with an escort, to remove his things from our home. I also had a restraining order in place so he couldn't return or contact me except through my attorney. He violated the order and got arrested. Anyway, my husband made a great deal of money and we had community assets. I followed legal advice as to how to get the funds I would need while looking for work, etc. I had two kids, I was ordered child and spousal support which my husband flat refused to pay. He allowed our house to go into foreclosure, etc. Thankfully, I had money to keep a roof over our heads and he had to split stock holdings and things like that. It was a good thing because he quit his job in an attempt to get out of owing support.

I got a rental house, I got a job making minimum wage. I hadn't worked in 10 years. I got assistance with daycare. I got a better job, got my insurance license and I've supported my kids ever since. I left my husband 15 years ago. My youngest will be 17 on the 28th of this month. Do the math. I've been doing it on my own for a long time and I've raised two amazing kids.

My advice is to get some counseling so you can keep your head on straight, get your ducks in a row, and NEVER count on your husband to do the "right" thing. Do everything in your power to be self-reliant. You'll feel better about yourself, your kids will know they have a strong mom and feel more secure.

You can do it!

~As for preparing the kids, my son was just a baby. My daughter was old enough to know we needed to get out. She didn't really need to be "prepared". I kept her out of the adult stuff as much as humanly possible and just promised her that mommy would always make sure we were okay. We were all happier not having a maniac in the house.

Best wishes.

Make sure you have all important papers and documents put in a safe place. Copies of birth certificates, marriage, titles to anything, checking accounts, anything related to money, etc. Worry about getting your kids safe. Material things can come to you in other ways.