Divorce - San Clemente,CA

Hi there. I went through a lot of the same thing. PLease feel free to call me any time to talk
Take care, B.
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No you are NOT wrong to start mediation, but don't get your hopes up that he will co operate. Set up some supervised visitation thru mediation since he is so angry. You can do this, I had 3 kids under 5 and no job and no family...I did it and I know you can. When you are being verbally abused, for whatever reason it is, it is going to create stress for you and for your baby....keep moving forward...I will keep my fingers crossed for you M., and remember you in my prayers.
C.

Dear M.,
First, my heart goes out to you. There is more there than your husband is telling you. Don't take the blame, it takes two to tango. You didn't get into this relationship by yourself, or have a child by yourself.
Next, get legal advice. If the home is yours, you need to get back in the home. Your husband could claim abandonment because you left. You may be able to get him out of the house very quickly. If that is what you want. The sooner you get back in the home the better. Unless you are afraid he will hurt you or the baby. If so, get legal advice and a restraining order. Your husband will have to pay for you and your child's care. An attorney can help you set this up right away. You can receive money from him during a legal separation, or during a separation. I don't know which state you live in, so the stipulations can be a little different. But do make the call for legal assistance.

Then, you can take your time and decide if divorce is the way you want to proceed. A 12 year relationship needs to be weighed. Your child's welfare and your's as well need to be taken care of in the meantime. I will lift you up in prayer at this time.

ICJ,

E.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, as everyone else is too.

Now I'm going to give you some hard advice. Get back into your house NOW. If he doesn't like it, then he can leave. If there's money in the bank, take half of it. Your child needs a home and food.

You're in California, so it makes it easier on me to advise you.

You say that your husband is "angry". Has he verbally or physically threatened you in any way? Has he made you feel as if you are in any type of danger? If so, file a restraining order IMMEDIATELY. The paper is easy to file, you can ask that he be removed from the home and must stay away from the home, you, and your child until the divorce is settled.

Pick up divorce papers. You can file them quite immediately at no cost to you. Ask for interim child support and spousal support until the divorce is filed. (Sorry hun, sounds like that's where you're heading, unless your filing gives him a wake up call slap in the face.)

Unfortunately Orange county doesn't have the best family law facilitators, but there is some help available to you. They do offer classes through the court system to help you prepare your papers. Here is the link to the website...
http://www.occourts.org/family/flfacil.asp

Please feel free to contact me privately if you have further questions.

Good luck!

Awww honey I'm sorry all this is happening. Does he want to try counseling or anything? I don't think you were wrong for starting mediation. I would suggest looking for a good divorce lawyer even if just for a consultation. You can get temporary child support set up and possibly support for you. I know that's probably what you don't want to hear but I thought my ex and I could work things out together. He ended up getting an attorney. Next thing I knew I was forced out of the house. Forced to pay him 1/2 of the expenses he covered (house payments, electric, etc. while seperated). We also went to mediation w/o his attorney. Talked about custody matters and agreed. Then we went to court and everything he agreed to she (attorney) changed and he was back to wanting full custody. It's just been a nightmare and I wish I would have retained an attorney first. I believed the main interest was our children but everything turned into a money war. Hang in there. It sounds like you have good family support if your staying there.

What happened M.? If his anger and distance started 6 months ago, do you know why? I'm sure you have asked him and he has probably been nonresponsive. Regardless of how you proceed, it will be most beneficial if he doesn't see you as the enemy. Why does he say you runied his life? Perhaps if you could write him a note letting him know that you are willing to let him go, but that it would be helpful to see a short list of just three reasons (start there) why you "ruined his life," then perhaps you could have a better way to communicate with him. Are there areas, or issues that perhaps you could have handled better? I'm certainly not blaming you for his reaction; he has made bad choices in the way he has responded to you. I have noticed in my marriage that when my husband has been angry with me, many times his issues (which have very little to do with me) get wrapped up in areas that I have failed him or hurt him. When I have taken responsibility for seeking forgiveness for my issues, he softens remarkably and he's left with the truth of his issues. It's amazed me time after time how being open to (painfully) apologizing for my contribution to our problems has opened the way for him to finally take some responsibility for his issues. Again, perhaps you are totally blameless, and that your marriage will end in a divorce, but the more peaceable the process the better for you and your child. God bless you - I'm praying for you.

Well, sounds like you are where I was a year ago. My husband told me that he didn't love me, and that he might want a family with someone else, but not with me. It hurts, but try to find a way to move on. You have a beautiful baby, and you need to be strong for him.

My husband (now ex) was really, really mean to me too at first - telling me that it wasn't his problem to be concerned with where our daughter and I lived. Now he is a bit nicer, and seems to be regretting some of our actions to each other. What I did may or may not work for you - I was as nice as possible to him, trying to keep up some sort of friendship. I wanted to show my daughter that even though you may not like someone (or really just all out hate them), you can still get along with them.

As for mediation - I don't think it is too early. If you could stick with mediation instead of going thru lawyers, it would be great. Lawyers seem to bring out the worst in people, and it could really strain any future relationship you have with him. Our mediator told us to try to work things out too. We went to counseling, but he just didn't want to put any effort in. Soon, I was really over the whole thing, and realized I was better off without him and the tension at home. Stick with the mediator if you like them. If divorce is the route you think this might go, hang in there - it is a tough road, but you CAN do it.

This is getting too long - I have so much more to say, but will cut it short. Feel free to email me if you like. It is good to talk to people going thru the same thing - it seems as though others may think they can be there for you, but they just don't know what you are going thru...

Stay strong!
L.

PS - he is a jerk for not letting you and your baby stay at your house!

It sounds like you could use some new skills for this journey. I went thru a high conflict divorce many years ago and made alot of mistakes which my kids and i spent years paying for. Check out www.highconflict.com and try getting educated about the process and about how to stay a neutral as possible so your child will be less affected and you can move on with your life.
i wish this kind of help was around when i was going through my divorce, our lives would have been so much better.

a little about me:
i have 2 grown daughters and just became a grandmother!

First of all, move back into that house. Irregardless of the outcome here, you leaving says you give-up your rights to the house. Secondly, it sounds like something huge is happening in his life - loss of job.... something happened. He is angry for a reason. He should get counseling so that he can talk about whatever it is....with or without you. If he can do that, then maybe there is a chance to work on the two of you. Try talking to him as a caring friend rather than "the wife" that he is blaming for all the ill in his life. Let him know that he isn't alone irregardless of what happens between the two of you. Does he have any family that can help you talk to him??? He is behaving irrationally, so is he behaving this way anywhere else? With family, at work, etc.??? You need to get to the root if anything is to be worked out here. As far as the money, how is he the only accessor of your money together??? Fix that & quickly! He has provided somehow for you to be a SAHM so he would be forced to pay alimony & child support etc.. Good luck & God Bless.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar thing... together 12 years, married 5 and he also suddenly became distant though not as rude sounding as your husband. We went through counseling which was very hard because not only was my ex not all the way truthful to the therapist, but the things he said about how he felt about me and things that I did were very hurtful. But it did help me understand that the problems were not all me, but actually mostly about him. Even the therapist said that if we were going to work it out, a lot of change had to come from him. In the end it didn't work out and I finally realized that he was cheating on me and a lot of his distant behavior had to do with that, though he didn't want to be the one to actually leave our marriage, he wanted me to just like your husband is telling you to let him go. If you haven't tried therapy, you might do so, you never know, it may save your marriage. And if not, at least you know you tried all you could.

If you do divorce, get back in your house now. You should have a key and you have every right to that house. If he doesn't like it, let him leave. I'm not sure what state you are in, but in California everything basically gets split, but whatever parent has the kid and is currently in the home has better odds of receiving the home out right. And don't be afraid to go for child support and spousal support if you are entitled to it. I left everything because I was so hurt and I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Afterwards, I did regret that decision, especially when bills starting pouring in from finding a new place, joint credit cards and he moved his girlfriend in to our home. Don't let pride get in the way of getting what you deserve. Also hire an attorney. I tried to do it on my own and by the end I had to hire one because we didn't agree on everything. With an attorney you KNOW that everything will be worded and filed correctly and with your best interest in mind. My ex made more than me, so when I did have to hire one I was able to file to have him pay for it, though I did have to front the money in advance and wait for the reimbusement. Please open up a checking account in your name only, cancel any joint accounts that you can, and ones that have an outstanding balance call them and let them know the situation so they can put a hold on the card. All our credit was in my name, so I was responsible even if the charges were his. Also get it on file that you have custody of your child. Things can always be changed or cancelled, so don't let the uncertain state of your relationship delay you. Being prepared won't hurt you, but unpreparedness can.

Good luck and I hope for the best for you. Many relationships go through rough times and still make it if both people work hard for it. If you need to talk, I'm here ____@____.com

~W. S.

Dear M.,

I am so sorry for how things have worked out for you. I will say this - I believe it is the best interest of your son to at least live separately from, and probably divorce your husband. I continued to live with my emotionally abusive and probably chemically altered (various drug and alcohol issues) husband much longer than I should have for various reasons. The advantage that I have because of this is that I will never, ever, ever look back and wonder "what if." I will NEVER consider taking him back - he made sure of that! However, I worry about my children and the effects our dysfunctional relationship will have on them - how my son has learned to treat women and how my girls have learned to let men treat them. You don't want your son to learn at he very least the poor communication skills being demonstrated in your relationship right now. He will be much better off with two parents living separately than together in the same house but with hostility and animosity.

I wish I could help you to find a lawyer - mine was an idiot - basically I can tell you who not to use! Elizabeth Courtney in the Montclair area was recommended to me as concerned with the welfare of the children. She charged $100.00 for a consultation, however, which I had to borrow from my mother. There are lawyers who consult for free - but don't let them bully you into signing with them because they didn't charge you for a consultation (that's how I signed with mine . . . )

Best wishes!
Take care of yourself!
God bless!
B.

M., I am so sorry to hear of the things that you have been dealing with. I am stepmom to 2 great kids but have seen all they have had to deal with in their parent's divorce. So my advise is to remain separated but not to pursue divorce. You have been together quite a while. Maybe this is just something he will get over and realize that especially for the sake of your young one, things can be worked out. I feel for you. I have a girl the same age and it must me so hard for you.

I am sorry that you are going threw this.. But their is hope and don't give up on hope. Believe me I've been threw this and my children are 23, 18 and 9 yrs old so life goes on and your child will be fine.. You should be in your own home and this man that has you out isn't a man at all that's bad.... But, I will keep you in our prayer's and hope that you are guided in the right way. But, the judge is going to look at why you are out of your own house and you have no access to money to survive so you are looking good when the law comes into play here.. So, don't give up say your prayers and you will be surprise what will happen? God Bless You and you and your son...

You're doing the right thing! If your husband wants out of your life, no good can come of staying with him.

Hire a mediator, an attorney, or any other professional you need to get through this in the best possible way.

Surround yourself with people who love you and know of your true worth as a daughter of God. Raise your son to be the kind of man any woman would be lucky to marry. God bless!

your husband already divorced you emotionally and i assume physically months before. what you need is a court order 'move out', since ur homeless and ur baby, most likely the judge could grant you the house to live till everything is settled.

you don't have access to your money? no atm? you truely need to see a divorce lawyer and explain ur situation. i do believe its a free hour. good luck!!

Honey I am soooo very sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.

I agree it does sound like he is being truthfully honest with you. Something happened. He also doesnt seem to be taking any responsibility for marrying you. You are not the only one who agreed to be married.

But that is besides the point.

If it is your house, as in you bought it and only your name is on the title, then you need to speak with a police officer and ask them what you should do about getting him out. I would have recommended you not leave your house under any curcumstances because usually whoever leaves doesnt get to come back. But I will be praying for you.
I would suggest you come up with a plan and then present it to your husband. On paper of course. If you can work this out without getting the courts involved the better it will be for your son. Your son also needs his father, so through out this whole thing if you remember one thing PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember that. No matter what an butt he is, as long as he is not neglecting or abusing that precious boy he needs to know his Daddy for who he is.

I have been through a very nasty divorce and still 6 yrs later reap the anger from my ex so honey if you need anything I am here. YOu can privately email and I will give you my number and we can talk... whenever you need.
____@____.com

You are in my prayers,
Brandi

I am sorry that you are going through this. He seems very angry.I think that there is a lot more going on with him then you know.If you live in SD,CA. I would get David Shulman. Do not sign any thing before seeing a lawyer. I would ask him to move out and I would move back in the house tell him that your son needs to feel safe and stable while the two of you are get this figured out and all your son has known and his things are in the house. If you go to church your church family can bring you a lot of support. As far as child suport gose I think it depends on the state you are in and how much money he makes.Get a lawyer a good one. Sounds like he does not want to work it out.

God bless you, I can't imagine how difficult and disappointing this this must be for you. Have you tried counseling for yourself and I'm not sure if you would want to, but also with your husband?

Given you've been together for 12 years is this a surprise to you or has he been a blamer your entire relationship? You said this has been going on for 6 months which means maybe there is room to work it out vs if he had been this cruel your entire relationship. Clearly something has happened in his world that is making him hostile toward you....likely it is not you. The thing about counseling is they would point out he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I mean really, you ruined his life by marrying him??? Give me a break. And, maybe you did pick wrong and this is a blessing to get out before he teaches your son how to treat women with disdain and you'll have a chance to meet someone who cherishes you and your son. With counseling maybe that will be your current husband, maybe not but you'll get help figuring it out.

All my best to you in this difficult time.

Sounds like a lot to go through, sorry to hear of all this. He seems too early for a midlife crisis, but sounds like he is not leveling with you and sharing everything. No you are not wrong for mediation, you have every right to move on with your life and good for you for doing so.

You need to get back into the house, you don't want it to appear that you left the home. Then proceed with a divorce. You mention you don't have access to money, are you on the account? You should be able to access your money, unless he has locked you out some how. If so, I don't think there is much you can do while you are still married.

If it were me, I would just go back home and if he doesn't want to talk, then don't talk, but you need to be back in the house soon!

Best of luck to you. I hope combined everyone is able to provide you with some great routes to go.

C.

Oh M.,

Please listen to me carefully, PLEASE.

You get your stuff in order...your priority of course, being YOUR BABY. File for PRIMARY CUSTODY and DO IT NOW. You want that baby period. Primary custodial parent means that the baby lives with YOU, and he will get reasonable visitation. DONT GO FIFTY-FIFTY. I speak from experience. I now have full custody of both my girls(one is 15 and one is 2). Now, reaonable visitation will be, demand this and dont give in, every first and third weekend and say you want to either split holidays of alter each year. He will get 6 wks out of the summer.
The whole case is on your side now because of the age of baby, and I cant say enough to do it NOW. Right now you may think your husband and you will work this out, and "oh he would never...". YES HE WILL. You will get child support having baby live with you, and baby will not be set up for the commotion of back and forth back and forth when visitation is ridiculously a fiaso every week, month year, every day of their life. Your reasoning is that it's because the baby is well, a baby, who needs mama constantly.

Expect the unexpected. Where there's attorneys involved, nothing should suprise you, nor should it appaul you with the shock and absurdity.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I'm not saying it will be horrid, but it has the opportunity to be if you dont lay the groundwork now. Have plan A and plan B, and C. Know what you want. You want that baby, three quarters of the time, period. Dont mess around with "separation". The word is DIVORCE. Separation is a break up that happened within the heart, it's already gone. Now do what needs to be done right away, for your baby. Take nothing less.

Bless you and may you always smile and hold your head up high.

Wendy

I have no real advice but I am so sorry for the pain that you must be going through. It sounds as if something has happend in your husband's life that he doesn't know how to deal with, your husband needs help but if he won't accept it you do need to make sure that you and your son are in an environment that is safe. Do seek out those that can help you with good, relevant emotional and legal advice.

Take care, best of luck

Hi Merideth,

Hope my email finds you in good health.
I know right now, everything seems so dark heavy and confusing. But there is only onw question you should ask yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can so easily tell you that you ruined his life by marrying him?

My dear, life is full of obsticles and this is yours. You and only you know the answer and the action you need to take next. Looking ahead to help and options you have to support you and your child is the right thing to do. I understand you love your husband and don't want to do anything legally that might make him mad or even financially be hard for him. Remember your child's well-being should always be yours and your husband's best interest.
Life can only get better, beleive me.
I was married for 10yrs, i have a son who is now 13yrs old with cerebral palsy. Leaving my ex-husband was someting i was so afraid of. I though i would never make it on my own, but after 3yrs i know it was the best thing i have ever done for myself. I have a new man in my life, who shows me every day what true love and caring is all about.
When your all alone and you think to yourself, this is it. Remind yourself it is not. You have a child to teach and grow with, and beleive me life still has more lessons to teach you. When you have accomplish this path in your life, you will see your stronger, tougher and wiser than before..... stay strong, pick up your head and be happy that you still have more to see, experience and live for.....

Have you tried every avenue to get to the root of what his reasons are for the breakdown of the marriage. I was one who didn't ask the right questions. That was when he was turning 30 He eventually said he didn't know what he was thinking and he did love me after all. He was just feeling sorry for himself, he wasn't happy with his job(military) wasn't making the big bucks he thought he should be earning and at the time we wanted children and had none. Now many years later he turned 50 retired from military and has gone through the same issues, I don't love you anymore I haven't for many years. He never dealt with what ever was bothering him in the first place. We just never talked about it. If you read a lot this is an excellent book "Why Good People Do Bad Things how to stop being your own worst enemy".
Would family therapy help mine would never go, it's worth a try it still may lead to divorce but at least you made the effort so that later on you don't say did I really try evrything I could? It may still lead to divorce. In my case my ex jumped right into the divorce without even trying to get to the reasons for the breakup (it still is hard to understand with no feed back from him). Not one person can make a marriage work the effort needs to be from the both of you. A marriage just doesn't happen it has to be nurtured and taken care of just like everything else we deal with. He hated to discuss anything on the emotional level.
Maybe a Divorce Care group would help, they are not just for the divorced they are for anyone who is separated or just thinking of being separated.
I was a SAHM for the past 16 years now I see that I should have taken care of my future in the work place. I am 51 and going back to school and looking for emloyment.
A good web sight to go to is The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide it will lead you in the things you will need to do.
C.