Divorce Bombshell

I'm so sorry!

You are entitled to half, of everything, so I'd ask about income for support right now. He can't hide money. In fact, I just took a quick look and if he does that, you can fight for more than half.

Good luck!

I think you've got really good advice so far!

I guess I am just wondering if you know anyone in town who is recently divorced? I know this would be tricky, but maybe they could also recommend attorneys or at least what they coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently?

Most people realize how hard this is and will try to help.

Any relatives? Parents friends?

I am so sorry you are going through this :-(.

I wish I could offer more.

Oh, I'm so sorry! I was in your shoes (and feeling quite shell shocked) about five months ago. The good news for you:

You WILL get alimony -- probably for several years.
You will get child support for at least another two years.
You will get at least half of the marital assets.
You are entitled to half of his retirement accounts.
If he has a pension, you are entitled to half of his pension. (Not sure if this changes if you remarry though.)
You can collect Social Security on his income if you don't remarry.
He will have to pay for your health insurance after the divorce, at least temporarily.

It sounds like he made a carefully orchestrated move to take as much as he could before you could react. Your attorney will be able to file an emergency financial TRO (temporary restraining order) and have the court order your husband to provide you with part of his income (probably at least half). This emergency order takes time though. It might be easier to at least try to get your husband to put at half of his paychecks into your account, and remind him that the courts do not look fondly upon men who impoverish their wives and children.

Here is your strategy for the time being. Do not get a job just yet. He might try to use any income you generate as a way of avoiding alimony. Update your resume though, and start brainstorming career ideas or ways to bring in money after the divorce.

Get ready for the long haul. I filed for divorce from my husband back in November. We have made ZERO progress on the divorce because my husband's attorney has been dragging his feet to generate more legal fees. It took me two months to file a financial TRO with the court because my husband's spending was getting out of control. Next up with be the joint parenting agreement. The money negotiations come last. (I would rather they came first!)

Meanwhile, there is a ton of paperwork you will have to fill out with regards to all of your finances. You might want to start gathering documents now.

There are a lot of online resources available to help you learn about the divorce process. I know in Illinois, there are many attorney websites that have FAQs and can give you general percentages of what you can expect in the financial settlement. Maybe you can find some answers for your location.

Stay strong. Pace yourself. It will drag out longer than you ever wanted to. But this could be a good thing for you. In Illinois, it takes a minimum of two years to be granted a no-fault divorce. I thought this was a terrible thing until I realized that the longer I stay married, the longer I can stay on his health insurance and get access to his income. And then I will still have alimony for a few years after the divorce is finalized. Of course, every court and every judge is different, but upper middle class divorces tend to work out well for the non-working spouse. Best of luck to you. Just breathe for now. You do have time on your side.

One more thing. If you don't like this lawyer you are seeing on Wednesday, keep interviewing until you find one that you like. You need to be able to trust your advocate 100%.

Make sure that you try to get in the settlement that he pay for college for your two children. Don't let him just stop at high school.

Yes, he should have to pay spousal support since you've been married over 10 years.

Try to find his benefits statement from his company, including his retirement benefits. You will want to give this to your lawyer. It should be part of the settlement.

Remove sentimental items from the house that he might take just for meanness sake. Better safe than sorry.

MAKE HIM sell the house with you so that you aren't left with a mortgage that you cannot carry. Your kids will be out of the house soon, so you don't need a big house to take care of. Don't let him out of being on the mortgage - if he doesn't pay the mortgage, his credit will be really hurt.

Get the lawyer to do what it takes to make sure that he does NOT open a credit card in joint name. If there ARE credit cards in joint name, you need to cancel yourself on them so that he doesn't run up credit and dump paying the bill on you. I do hope you have your own separate credit card. Call them and tell them you lost your card and need a replacement. That way he doesn't have your credit card number.

I wish you a lot of luck. I doubt that your kids will want to leave their high school and go live with him, so if he tries the "I'll take the kids if you don't accept "x" from me", ignore him. He might think that the kids will follow him, but they won't. The judge will most likely talk to them in chambers anyway to find out how they feel. You can tell the judge that your husband is the one who can afford child support and if he wants to sue YOU for child support, that it's just for meanness sake and not because he wants the kids. If he had wanted the kids, he would have stayed in his marriage until they were out of the house.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you have statements of everything - all your assets, and copies of your tax returns. You will need them.

So sorry to hear that you're going through this. Be sure to be kind to yourself and lean on your support network.

You should feel better after you talk to the attorney. He will very likely have to pay spousal support on top of child support for a period of time. Two years tends to be the norm these days, which is a reasonable amount of time for you to be able to get back into the work force. Where there is a huge income disparity between the spouses due to one spouse taking care of things at home, allowing the other person to achieve a high level of success in his or her field, there is often a lump-sum payment as well to recognize that much of the working spouse's earning potential was earned on the back of the non-working spouse, who sacrificed years of experience and earning potential to stay at home. While there is the expectation that you will eventually have to support yourself, your husband doesn't just get to ride off into the sunset.

Your lawyer will help you out with getting to court immediately to get a separation agreement in place that will cover things like him paying the mortgage and contributing to the household bills temporarily until a settlement is reached. He doesn't get to just up and leave you destitute.

It sounds like he's already become a bit delusional about how much power he has and shady. If I were you, I would start pulling together all of your papers to prove his income and assets in case he tries to hide them.

Also get statements of his retirement accounts and any other savings accounts. Half of that money is yours so make sure you document what's there before he does something dumb like withdraw it without your permission.

He should also be on the hook for college expenses for both of your children so make sure that's in your agreement, as well as agreement on who gets to claim the kids as a deduction until they are out of college.

Best of luck to you and again, very sorry to read this. Even if it's the right thing in the long run, divorce sucks.

Make a list of all accounts (bank, retirement, pension, loans, credit cards...), noting account number, balance and whether jointly held or not. Remember all jointly held accounts will be a joint responsibility regardless of what the divorce decree says. Fair warning since I see this issue come up again and again. The divorce decree does not change the terms of any joint loans and does not amount to anything if the other party defaults on the debt. For example even if he is awarded a vehicle during the divorce decree, if he suddenly decides to stop paying you will be responsible for making the payments and your credit will be hurt if it is repossessed. My husband's ex maxed out all jointly held debts AND then proceeded to default on every single one of those debts which was awarded to her in the divorce decree. She also drained all jointly held accounts, focusing in particular on those accounts she knew he was using to autopay bills. It was a six figure cluster -uck when she got done and believe me when I say it only added salt to the wounds. Hire a good attorney and breathe deeply. It's a heck of a ride even when everyone is trying their dead level best to be nice and play fair. Good luck.

My sister-in-law was a SAHP for 7 years (she worked a few seasonal jobs during that time) when she got divorced and she received spousal support for 2 years (because she had a business degree and was capable of working).

Given your situation, I am fairly certain you will get spousal support for an extended period. I'm sure your lawyer will request both temporary and permanent support.

Be sure to ask about:

1. Child support (if your 18 year old is in school, support for that child as well until age 21 or graduates from school; ask about his paying for college, etc.
2. Spousal support;
3. Family support;
4. Health insurance (premiums and payment of out-of-pocket expenses)
5. Retirement accounts
6. Exclusive possession of the house with him paying the mortgage
7. Your nest egg
8. Him paying your attorney and court costs.

So sorry this happened and that he acted the way he did. If he earns a six figure salary, your child support/spousal support/family support should be substantial. Basically, he has to support you and your kids in the manner in which you have become accustom, I believe. Your lawyer can answer all of this for you.

Good luck. Stay strong.

My advice? Take him to the cleaners!

I like Wild Woman's advice of charging the lawyer on the ex's credit card. Don't worry about stooping to his level. He cleaned out your bank account. You have no money. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Take him for every penny you can. He deserves it! Don't let him intimidate you.

"You won't stoop to his level"? Now is not the time to assume that he won't try to take your money.

Different states have different rules regarding child support. The good news is that since your children are older they will have input on where they want to live. In New Jersey child support can last up to 21 years old as long as they continue with their education. Also child support is based on the income of both parents and prorated accordingly.

Divorces are mostly nasty affairs. Don't put anything past him. You will need a savvy attorney. Spare no expense there.

A lawyer will be the best person to inquire about spousal support. Thanks to women's liberation spousal support for women becomes a touchy proposition.

Get a note book (divorce log) write down all your questions as you think of them. Also write down things that happen, account numbers, retirement plans and the like. Get a log of everything you know about. perhaps your husband banks at the same bank as his dad maybe there are more accounts you should have access to.

The fact that he took money out of a joint account so you couldn't have access to it is a great thing for you. As for the house, I probably wouldn't want to keep it but I would stay put for as long as I could at his expense.

If there is a mortgage on the house where you live, make certain it is getting paid. If it isn't because he is refusing to pay, you will need to have your attorney on top of that situation.

Get yourself to a place of peace and strength. Figure out how much income you need to survive with your kids. Count on the fact that he may stall or delay paying you anything. Always make certain any payments he has to make comes through the courts because it would take a time to get it through the courts if you decide to deal with him directly and you can't trust a snake.

If you don't have a prenup, you are in a good position to make your demands but do it as politely. Try not to be bitter but keep your peace in the forefront of your mind. When my husband went through divorce with his ex-wife he gave up the house to her and walked away from everything. She got everything she asked for from the house to half his pension and 401k. She sold the house for a profit of over $250,0000 and he didn't get a dime from the house he poured so much money into. Fast forward to now and she doesn't have anything not even their son who now lives with us. When my mom divorced my dad she also didn't ask him for a thing for herself and she got her peace back which is priceless.

Everything you do should be in the best interest of your children and start the process of getting your financial house in order and figure out what you want and what you need they may not be the same things but let your attorney know what you are thinking in these matters because it matters.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

SO sorry to hear this!!! I'm in PA, but NO, he can't do that. Please do not stress until you talk to your lawyer. He cannot leave you high and dry. He will owe you spousal support if he can afford it. It depends on his income. In theory my ex should be paying me spousal support, but his income is too sporadic to exceed child support so we agreed to let me continue handling the family funds instead. In essence, I take all his money and pay him. I don't get an of "my own money" but I don't have to sit empty-handed and wait for monthly payments from him. It's complicated in our case-it wont' be the same with yours.

If your husband has regular, substantial paychecks, then YES he will owe you money every month on top of child support. Maybe not forever, but likely until your youngest is 18 if living with you...but the details will have to be worked out, It varies widely. It was evil to take that money out of the account, but his income is documented with IRS (I presume?) so his monthly payments will be adequate. These are details only your lawyer can let you know for sure.

You may need employment down the line etc, but no, he can't leave you suddenly scrambling to survive. No legitimate divorce settlement is going to allow for that. And no, you won't have to cough up your meager nest egg.

Sounds like his dad told him to move his money to prevent you from taking any. That's very spooky, but it does not mean he gets to keep it all. Actually, when I found out my husband was still having the affair I thought he no longer was, I moved all the money we had been saving in our joint account to my own account! He freaked, but I assured him I wasn't "stealing it" so I could go on a luxury trip around the world, I was "holding it" so he couldn't spend it on the other woman while divorce was settling. I deposit cash into his account as he needs it and I pay all taxes, manage the house, pay the repair people etc.. and I budget for us carefully so he doesn't have to be relied upon to make his payments It works for us....Your husband will have to make your monthly payments out of that stash he just moved. He doesn't get to just keep it all.

Keep calm and get a good lawyer! He will discuss everything with you and figure out what's in your best interest to fight for-and you'll have a good shot at whatever it is since you've been home raising the kids. The lawyer is going to want to know his specific income and your household expenses, so have your financial knowledge straight when you go. Also tell him how much money he moved of course. Good luck, don't worry, lawyers deal with this all the time. They know what to do. If you don't have a good gut feeling about your lawyer, have a couple of more consultations. You want someone to really fight for your best interests. Most of the time the breadwinner has to pay legal fees, so don't clean yourself out past first consultations retaining your lawyer. Your husband filed: He pays. Ask your lawyer about that too.

You might be able to get spousal support for maybe 10 years.
Also you and the kids need health insurance (until the kids are 25) and college money for the kids and maybe for you too if you need a degree to get a job and brush up your skills.
Talk to a womens shelter and get advice and a good cut throat lawyer who'll take your husband to the cleaners.

oh, sweetie.
on the one hand, i'm so sorry. the money fears alone have got to be pretty overwhelming.
on the other, congratulations. you're not emotionally invested in him (at least not too much), and your life is going to be way better once you excise 200lbs of ugly from it.
find out how the courts will figure his income, and what ways he might be hiding it (and how you can out him.) your 20 years of being a stay-at-home mom will factor into how long and how well he needs to give you spousal support, and if he's earning 6 figures, it should be pretty generous, at least until the kids are finished living at home. this will give you some breathing space to figure out the next chapter.
i'm so glad you have made the appointment with the attorney.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

The only reason I got spousal support was he actively kept me from working or getting a degree. We are not talking I agreed to be a stay at home it was that when I said hey they are all in school I should work or get a degree he refused to allow it. That and he said to the judge she shouldn't get anything, she never worked. Judge said how many kids do you have?

I also only asked for four years so I could get my degree. They seem to be more reasonable if you are reasonable. Go in there with I deserve to never work you will get nothing.

You will be shocked how little child support you will get for your daughter at 16 and you will get nothing for the 18 year old, maybe, I actually don't know but it is rare that you get child support through 21 like it is here. Apparently the older the kid the less you get so my older two were 16 and 18 when I divorced, I got 86 for my oldest and 116 for the 16 year old.

The problem with the money he took is your attorney fees will be more than you ever recover.

Oh, not trying to be negative for the sake of being negative, just giving you worst case so that if it turns out better you can say, that wasn't so bad. Much better than blowing sunshine so you say my god I was not prepared for that!

Also, yes you can request your attorney be paid for but they won't do anything about that until the final decree. In other words you will have to pay what is needed to keep the attorney working for you and you may get some of that back in the final decree. This above anything else is what I found unfair about divorcing a high earner when you have been a stay at home. I managed to keep my attorney paid but it wasn't easy.

Only one thing to add after your "so what happened" (since you got a ton of good advice already):

You say in the SWH addition that "He can have whatever--I don't care" when it comes to "material things." Please rethink that, and quickly. He is clearly devious and deceptive, as you already have found to your cost, and you need to be very cautious about the division of ALL kinds of property (from the house, which you should get if you have children still living there/going to school based on its location etc., to the furniture, to ANY other assets you have together). He frankly sounds greedy and petty enough to go after little things like gifts he has given you if those gifts have some cash value. I hate to say it but it does happen. Ask your lawyer what to do to ensure that the divorce does not bog down and get ugly over tiny things BUT also to ensure that he does not waltz off with the contents of your home, leaving you the four walls.

I know the urge is to say "I don't care, take whatever will get you out of the door fastest," but he WILL use that against you and you will find things you treasured gone. I've seen it happen -- things that just "vanished" due to greed or spite when one spouse moved out.

I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you're going through a divorce and I'm sorry he's already playing hardball. I don't have any personal experience, but my sister is going through a divorce--going on 3 years now! So, be prepared for it to be dragged out.

You've already had a lot of great advice! I just want to add that I think you can request that he pay for your attorney. Also, my sister had some cash stashed away when she knew divorce was eminent (she initiated). She had my mom open an account and put the money there--my sister's name was not on the account.

Best of luck!!!!

He should have to pay alimony because he has supported you for so long. He has to pay child support for his children and you can get an arrangement that as LONG as they are in school (college included) he has to pay, as well as pay for college. He can pay their health insurance, as well. And their health care bills. And you can have him pay for sports, etc, OUTSIDE of child support (which should only cover a portion of housing, food, and clothes.) I'm so sorry.

I always thought it was illegal to take all the money out of a joint account but come to find out the judge isn't going to do anything about it.

The tide has changed so much and it's not good. The woman can lose custody simply based on her past income now. Get any job and get a vicious attorney who will not back down and will tear him a new one.

My friends first attorney got the papers to say he was responsible for paying the house payment and utility bills. So he called the utility companies and told them he was no longer living there to cut service. He didn't get in trouble. The papers said he was to give her money to buy groceries. He said there were groceries in the house and she didn't need any and he didn't get into trouble. He expected the house to get taken by the loan company and auctioned off, no money to her, she lost it. She sold it the day before that came final, she paid the house off and he got $5 of the profit. She sold it for $10 more than the loan. Her attorney got fired and the 2nd one she got was much better.

She lost her kids, her home, her things because she couldn't afford to rent a storage. She got her van and once it was all said and done she lives in a mobile home in a trailer park. She now has to pay child care out of pocket when her kids come see her during their school breaks because she doesn't have them all the time so she can't get child care assistance. She can barely feed herself much less the kids when they come visit.

From the moment he decided to move away he can say I'm not going to pay any of the bills anymore, it's all on you and it's on you. If YOU lose the house you have to pay him off what his part of it was. His retirement is his now. His credit cards and insurance are no more. He can do what ever he wants and he's going to get away with it.

That said.

It's time for you to get the most vicious attorney you can find, you'll have to pay them up front too. They do not make the spouse pay the fees any more. Sucks.

You'll have court costs, filing fees, etc...make sure you manage the money very well.

Get temporary custody and support set up. DO NOT let him get away without paying every single bill there is.

Sorry PurpleMom. Good advice below.

I am SO sorry to hear this.

If Tyler did this to me? Oh man. It would NOT be good. We've been married 26 years and waited to have kids. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I would run a credit report with both of our social security numbers and see what pops up. Then I would get a list of each and every retirement account and savings account, credit card(s) and any other financial institutions to find out where the money is and how much is there.

Since you have been married for over 20 years, you should be entitled to half of everything.

I love the advice to make him pay for the house!

I'm sorry. I hope this goes smoothly for you. I can't imagine having a father in law that was evil or vile and then a husband who surprises me with a divorce.

S.

I haven't read what everyone else has written down, but I think the rules might vary from state to state.

I know when my sister and her husband got a divorce, my sister ended up having to pay him some money for up to the first year (which is completely stupid). Her Ex, was constantly in school while they were married for 10 years.

They were both in college at the same time, but she got a degree in Occupational Therapy and then a nice job. Whereas he got an English Degree but then did nothing with it. Then he went to a music school and learn how to do sound and stuff. And did nothing with it. And THEN (yes there is more) he went back to school to become a paralegal when they were going through the divorce process. So his lawyer was able to pull something out his butt saying that my sister had to pay him since he was in college and wasn't working. Oh he could work, but chose not to.

So, if he was able to get that, I'm thinking you can too.

Also, the fact that he had taken out "most of the money" sounds suspicious to me, like he wants to leave you hanging out to dry.

Copy everything. And so what if you have a nest egg-that could be used for you, for your kids to go to college, for retirement. It doesn't matter that you have one because most everyone was does for a just in case moment.

Stand up for yourself and don't let your soon to be ex or his dad make you feel less than you are.

I am so sorry honey. You just hang in there. Good things will come your
way.
The nest egg, you talk about....is that yours? If so, pull it out & put it into
an acct just in your name.
Have a list of all the questions you want to ask the lawyer then write down
his responses.
Yes, he should have to pay child supp for your daughter until she's 18.
Go through your files at home & take copies of important pwk like the
deed to the house, insurance pwk etc.
If there is any money left in any other joint acct, withdraw it so he can't
take it all like he did.
By law, he will have to give you half of everything you accumulated in your marriage (house, cars etc). Even if he doesn't think he has to, he
will.
Let the law work for you as it is intended.
Get savvy though by going to your appt. Come with a list of things you
both have (house, cars, stocks etc.).
Wishing you the best of luck & hang in there! Good things will come yoru way esp if he wasn't a very nice person.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. I can understand how disturbing it is. And yes, you have the right to get child support as well as spousal support. When my friend hired the attorney at Seigman, Starritt-Burnett & Sinkfield, PLLC, they helped her get all the support money.

I have a good friend going thru a terrible divorce right now. It has been over a year since she filed and over $32,000 paid to her attorney thus far. She is beyond frustrated. He keeps stalling and stonewalling and dragging everything out, postponing hearings and mediations and such. I cannot believe he is able to do all of this with no repercussions. She has been a SAHM too for the past 13 years, has been looking for a job for months with no luck. He has run up her credit cards and emptied out what he could. Make sure you document everything and shop around for a good attorney that will have your back. Be prepared for mediation, family counseling, lots and lots of paperwork.
Good luck to you and hopefully it will be over quickly since he is the one who wants the divorce. Make him file for it, don't do it yourself. I went thru that w/ my first husband. But we had no kids and no real assets together. He filed so he had to pay for it to be processed, he had to go before the judge. I had an attorney and we just agreed on what we would split and I got "rehabilitative alimony" for two years. I did not have to go to court. It was a bombshell dropped on me when he told me too. I was very upset and still carry some of this baggage 20 years later! But I have been remarried for 10+ years now and my husband is a wonderful man. Never thought I would find someone else after my first divorce, but it did happen. Stay strong!