Do I Give In?

Updated on August 07, 2011
J.O. asks from Corvallis, OR
26 answers

Hi Mom's

I have a really wonderful and smart (don't all parents think this) 13 mo old who is doing a lot of self feeding of fingerfoods. She now realizes where several foods are stored such as biscuits on the counter, blueberries and peas in the freezer etc. During mealtime she will often start pointing to these areas and want something new put on her tray such as blueberries. If she doesn't get her way she will start crying and the meal is essentially over. My question is, should I give in for the sake of her nutrition or do I draw the line so she knows she isn't the one in control during mealtime. I don't want her to become one of those kids who gets to eat whatever they want and mom becomes a short order cook. By the way, we don't give in to her other demands when it isn't mealtime. Help! Thanks for your thoughts.

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A.M.

answers from Portland on

I think if she's eating a bit of what you gave her, what's the harm? It's not as if she's pointing to chocolate. I often worry about letting my kid be in control of the household, but really...kids have tastes and preferences just as we do. They just can't tell you quite as politely yet.

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A.L.

answers from Portland on

I would say that the last thing that you want is for food to be a battleground...let her have *one* thing she chooses at mealtime, that way both of you have a bit of control ;-)

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J.H.

answers from Portland on

This is pretty common among toddlers. Why invite whining and begging? Maybe you could put those things out of sight. A friend of mine said it best when my son starting this: Keeping food out is like putting a six pack in front of an alcoholic. Toddlers have little impulse control. You have to help them out in this area.

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H.D.

answers from Portland on

My honest opinion: your daughter is smart! And she's choosing mostly healthy foods. I also wonder, could she be working on some teeth? These hard (biscuits) and frozen foods could be just what her little mouth needs.Look at it this way-- most parents would love it if their child was so able to communicate what they were wanting.

Just to add another perspective: we are only "spoiling" our kids when we allow ourselves to make poor choices in order to appease them. If you child were pitching a fit for ice cream or chips or some other sort of "junk food", and you regularly accomodated it, then you might be setting up some patterns of unhealthy eating that will backfire down the line. Saying "yes" to the things that are acceptable means less "no's", and fewer No's make the house more pleasant for everyone. Your child is making healthy food choices.
Honor them.

I just wouldn't introduce foods you don't want her to have. And children often will exhibit some sort of food preference one way or the other, whether they are 13 mo. or three or seven. I've seen it. A lot. Really, just be thankful she wants the things she wants. :)

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A.B.

answers from Portland on

YES!!! I definitely feel that you should let your daughter have some control over what she gets to eat. i REALLY do not believe that you will be teaching her that she gets whatever she wants. what i DO think you will be teaching her is how to choose nutritious foods that she likes when her body tells her she is hungry. And I think that if you try to always control what she eats and never let her have a say, you are DEFINITELY setting yourself up for food battles later on.

As long as you are not allowing her to choose non-nutritious foods (which you wouldn't want to give her anyway) then it is a good idea to let her tell you what she wants. That way you can offer her one thing she wants with the food that you would like her to try.

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C.S.

answers from Medford on

Hi J.,
I have 2 little boys, 20 months and almost 3, and I strugle with the same thing. I used to stress about what I "should" do a lot more, and have decided that what I should do is keep my family happy and healthy in the way that works for us - and that might change from day to day. My opinion is at this age go ahead and give her the blueberries. When they are so young they are just starting to learn their likes and dislikes and how to feed themselves and how to "ask" for what they want. By giving her what she is asking for it acknowledges that you understand and will help build her self confidence. I think it is good to set some limits for sure, but when it comes to food I have tried to be pretty flexible in feeding them what they like or want - as long as they are still getting a good variety of healthy food throughout the day/week. As they get older and are able to eat all foods easier you can set more limits.

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B.O.

answers from Portland on

I think it's wonderful that you have healthy things like peas and blueberries, and those are the things she asks for:) But, to reply to your question- I really think it's up to you. If you feel that you only want her to eat what you made for the mealtime, then stick to it, cause that is a healthy habit for mealtimes as well. Perhaps you could offer choices at snack times:)
ps She IS very smart to be able to tell you her preferences:)

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A.W.

answers from Seattle on

I would say if she is requesting or demanding nutritious items, I would give in. Since pea and blueberries are good foods and if you give those to her, then you are encouraging healthy eating habits. I think it is great for children to have control in some areas and when it comes to healthy eating, then I am all for that one. You can teach her that some things are just for treats or snacks. If the busquits are like cookies, I would put those away where she can't see them.
Giving in to somethings sometimes is ok. It allows your child to feel they have a little control over their choices. It doesn't mean that you have to become a short order cook. This being said, if my daughter doesn't eat her dinner and demands a treat or something different, I don't give in at the moment. If she cries and dinner is over, then that is fine. I will let her down and my husband and I will finish our dinner. Because night time treats are a regular in our house, if she chooses not to eat at dinner then I offer her a healthy snack like yogurt or cheese or fruit instead of a pudding or cookie treat.
Good luck

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J.C.

answers from Seattle on

That's a great question, J.. I am a real ''' hard liner'' about some things - but my inclination is if you have the blueberrys -- I can't really see a reason not to add a small handful of them to your '' already cooked''' meal-- the biscuits??? --- that's a bit trickier as even little guys dont need unlimited amounts of ''flour''' -- but within reason - if she is eating a good balance- I'd say yes- she'll likely get tired of them- -
Just be sure not to keep boxes of treats like cookies on the counter - lolol

Blessings ( aren't little ones incredible???? )_

J. aka - Old Mom

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C.D.

answers from Spokane on

If it's the same few items, maybe you could include a small serving of those at meals in addition to the regular meal.

About me: 60 year old Mom of adult children

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A.D.

answers from Corvallis on

J.,
You already know the answer to this one...you said it in your question. You are in control of mealtime (and should be), you will not be a short order cook (and should not be) and you don't give in to her other demands (as you should not). In short you know what you want your little girl to grow up and be... a lady. Not a whiney, demanding, bossy, self centered, control freak but, a lady. Learning how to control ones "impulses" at an early age will only bennifit them later in life. Make no mistake, they are not capable of this, only you are(that is what parents are for). People who live their life for the next big thrill are only happy for the moment then they need more. Catering to impulses in children breeds self indulgence, self-centeredness, entitlement, and no ability to learn delayed gratification.(the satisfaction that comes from working towards a goal for a long time and then seeing it be a sucess) It also tells the child that they are in control. Children who run the show and raise themselves do not turn out to be people you want to be around, to say the least. You and your husband sound like you are on the right track, don't go off the rails!
Happy Training!

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D.H.

answers from Bellingham on

DO NOT GIVE IN! She will continue to take it and other things to the next level off getting her way and before you even realize it you'll be that short order cook you don't want to be. It's just a control issue and she is testing you to see who has the control. If she wants those yummy things that great, but tell her she needs to eat what's for dinner and maybe she can have some (dessert is you will)once she's eaten a good dinner. Give her a goal to work towards and it will make those things she likes taste even better. The key is BEING CONSISTENT.

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D.J.

answers from Seattle on

Do not give in. It is a learning time and it doesn't matter that she wants something healthy now, later it will be a different case. I did not give in. Our rules were: we eat what is on the table, you have to try it, if you don't like it you can have toast with cheese and plate with veggies. The dinner is the meal and the next one is breakfast, if you haven't eaten your dinner, you need to wait until breakfast. Once he realized that I won't give in it worked grate. Once in a while he will push to check if the boundaries are still there. Giving in will teach her that if she starts the battle she might win. My son is 5 and he is a good eater. We plan the meals together and he can choose what I will cook 3 times per week, the rest are mine and daddy's. We do respect each other choices and we had to eat them even if they are not our favorites. It is amazing how often something he doesn't like becomes his favorite after he eats it few times. My suggestion is not to give in but definitely to let her know that you understand her. Say something like: "Oh, I can see that you want some blueberries, right? You can have some blueberries for your snack!". Let her know that you understand her and let her know when she can have the thing she wants. Hope I was helpful

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M.C.

answers from Tampa on

Why would giving your child healthy food ever be wrong? If a child asks for food, especially a one-year-old, feed the kid! Hehehe Why say no just to exert control? "Drawing the line" should be done when necessary to protect our babies, not to show them whose running the show. They know Mommy is! Be the lover of your little ones, not the ruler over them!

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J.J.

answers from Bellingham on

If she eats what is required of her, you could use the other food as a reward. I think that if she has already figured out that she can cry and you give in.. that is something to be careful with.
If she crys, pull her out of her chair and send he on her way. It will only take 2-3 times before she realizes she can't do that.
When she asks with no fuss, give her the reward.

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K.S.

answers from Seattle on

HI J.,

What a sweet momma you are :) I will agree, your daughter is ahead of the game :)

So, my thing is this, when my daughter like yours did this, I explained that there was a better way to ask for food. SHe is now 3 and does a lot better with not whining because early on it was explained that I appreciated her eating the correct food, (that which was good for her) but needed her to ask for it in a kind way. THis is truly faith in our children. By that, they know inside what is good for them because they were formed not only by us, but by GOd :) What a joy!!! Also, what an honor and provaledge to show them the way, about things like what to eat and wear and so much more. Hope you and yours have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Many Blessings,

K.S.

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B.O.

answers from Spokane on

Hello J.,
Well I only have a 10 month old as of now and I know it can be hard to say no, but I say don't give in because otherwise she may learn that she can get away with one thing so may try another, just to see what you will do. I have worked with children and seen them run there parents and control them. So my advice is to find a way to still let her know you are in control and not her. Be strong cause I know it can be tough. Good luck!
B.

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L.R.

answers from Portland on

You know, I hate battles at mealtimes more than anyone, but let me give you some advice from the perspective of a mom with a 25 month old. If you don't get a handle on this now, it will get worse. My daughter didn't start pointing to things to indicate what she wanted at 13 months, but now that she's verbal she asks for things sometimes. Sometimes I tell her "Not now" (a phrase I use whenever she can't have/do whatever she wants at the moment); other times I tell her she can have some IF she eats what she's already got FIRST (I've said that enough that she understands). Sometimes she'll resign herself without a fuss, but other times she'll really try my patience.

You say that if you don't give in the meal is essentially over. I'm not sure how your husband is handling things, or why the meal has to be over, but I'm guessing that you probably don't have time to wait until she's settled down and ready to eat again. There are times when my daughter doesn't want to eat what I gave her that it takes over an hour to get a meal eaten (usually I'll let it go long enough to eat my self and then I can focus on her without hunger pangs--hey, I'm almost 8 months pregnant, I have to eat!). Then I'll focus on her. 13 mo is kind of young to send to the corner, but I think you will find that persistence will help a LOT. She won't starve herself. But whatever you do, don't give in to her demands.

A word of encouragement. It may seem like it's taking forever for whatever method you decide on to sink in. At that age, things just seem to take forever. But trust me, in the long run, it is worth it. And it will get easier as she gains more understanding--as long as you remain consistent.

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M.H.

answers from Seattle on

Wow, she is a smart girl. :) Which sometimes has its downfalls. lol

I find giving my daughter choices has helped eliminate some battles, whether mealtime or other times. So before I give her a meal I will ask, "would you like an apple or a banana?" Yes sometimes she will ask for a third option I didn't give her to which I reply, "sorry, but your choices are apple or banana." usually it helps sometimes she can be pretty stubborn. or if I can't offer a choice between foods I will say, "do you want to eat your sandwich or do you want to go take a nap?" she usually chooses to eat and when she doesn't its because she is really tired. If she refuses to choose I tell her mommy will have to choose for her and tell her my choice, then give her a last chance to choose.

You will find the best way to communicate with your daughter. Just stay consistent and it will get easier.

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A.J.

answers from Portland on

If you know that she is going to want something and it is a healthy choice offer it with her meal. So put a few blueberries and peas on her tray with everything else ahead of time. That way you are not giving in and hopefully you avoided having that battle. I have discovered if is easier to pick your battles when you eliminate a few ahead of time. Good luck

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B.Y.

answers from Seattle on

I don't know if she is able to, but have you thought about having her help you make her food plate?
Or give her choices of A or B when making the plate.
Kids learn fast. And if you just give in and let her have what ever she wants, then you are setting yourself up for failure and frustration.
But if you let her learn that there are choices, she is learning how to make choices, and you are still in control.
I would also explain to her why it is she cannot have what she is asking for, such as "This is what you have for lunch today, we will have that tomorrow" or "We are out of blueberry's today" But do NOT lie to her about the reason.
You can make the statement as simple as "I have chosen for you to eat this today." The one I hate is "Because I said so". I think that is the one that drove me crazy as a child, and that I try to stay away from as a mom.

I would reward her with what she wants once in a while.
This might also be a way to teach her to say please.
You know your child.

I like to ask myself "is it worth the battle?" I choose my battles, so is it better to give in on letting her have food, instead of a new toy every time you go to the store? As they get older, is it better to have purple hair or lip piercings. Or is it better to have piercings than tattoo's?

Sounds like you will be kept on your feet with you little one. The smart ones are fun.
B.
www.SouthSoundDoula.com

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B.G.

answers from Seattle on

Don't give in. Let the meal be over. Calmly and confidently tell her the meal is over and go on "with your day." She will NOT starve. I promise.

I let my daughter choose her lunch but never dinner.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Giving her healthy food that she requests is NOT giving in. I think it's wonderful that she wants healthy foods. If you can be comfortable letting her eat the foods she asks for you are giving her some choices. Toddlers need choices. They are becoming more independant and learning how to make good choices. Healthy food is a good choice.

I don't understand this control issue. A parent is still in control when they choose to give their baby what she has asked for. If one has to be in control how can they parent a teen? I see healthy parenting as one who provides the toddler, child and/or teen appropriate decisions. Many, many times I've seen parents insist that they are in control at all times, meaning the parent makes all the decisions. And those parents have power struggles with their kids going on all the time.

I would find a way to give her what she's asking for before she cries. It is not good to teach our children that if they whine, cry, etc they will get what they want. So I recommend that you give her the food when she asks. Eliminate the need to cry to get it.

what does being in control at mealtime look like? I think it has many different ways of being in control When you choose to let her make a choice you are still in control.

When I was training to be a supervisor I was tol that if I have to say, "I'm the boss" (in control, I'd already lost respect and obedience of the ones I was to supervise. Being in control means to me that I am in charge of making major decisions while allowing reasonable input from the officers.

I believe this works with kids, too. As parents we need to find ways to give our toddlers/children/teens a sense of being in control during appropriate circimstances. i.e.let them choose the book for reading at bedtime. For a child older than your's set out to sets of clothing and let her choose which one she'll wear.I am close to a mother who thinks that she has to choose her kids clothes for them. They are both in elementary school.

Mealtime is shared control. You made the dinner so you are incontrol of the menu. Your husband puts your daughter down. Managing the baby is control shared with you. Your daugter wants blue berries. She's in control by knowing what she wants. It's so good that her choices are healthy ones. I would not give her sweets or any other unhealthy food even if she cried. She's in control when she decides not to eat. I'm glad you aren't making a fuss with that. Eating disorders can be caused by parents not letting the children be in control of themselves and what they eat.

I also agree that putting her down even tho she hasn't eaten is a good plan. At 13 months she is not capable of sitting in one place for very long. The benefit for you is that you can continue eating without having to deal with her.

My last note. More of a question. If being in control means that you don't give them choices how will they learn how to make choices? I think the result of having his parents in total control causes the child to feel that he's not a part of the family.

Building a strong family requires that everyone feels that they have some power that increases as the child matures. How do powerless people act? Are they able to have a healthy attitude toward people including their parents. As teens feeling powerless results in rebellion and not following the rules.

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W.C.

answers from Seattle on

Do not give in. Other wise your life will be one of catering to her every wish. She will become picky, at foods, clothes, friends, etc.

Hide the foods so she can not see them. Show her that they are gone.

I had a picky eater. He only at white foods for years. He grew to 6'2". I offered the healthy fresh vegies and fruits, fish and chicken. He chose he what he wanted and if he didn't he was done. He never complained. He had good manners, and is easy going to this day. He is also a wonderful dad now. Patient and kind.

So don't give in. You are in contro;.

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K.J.

answers from Seattle on

consider a pre-emptive move:

ice cube trays can be used to offer a wide assortment that she can pick and choose from. You know what she likes, so you can start with that as a base. Watch the shape, deep trays can be challenging for little fingers.

She can gain confidence and make good choices and you stay in charge.

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A.C.

answers from Eugene on

Well Food is the one thing that toddlers feel like they can control, have learned this from personal experience with 2 kids. I think as long as the foods shes asking for are healthy I dont see a problem in giving her what shes asking for. I think when you need to stick to your guns is when the foods shes asking for are not healthy for her. Giving her a choices and letting her make the decisions for her food, will help her in becoming the Independant lil girl she will become.

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