Giving her healthy food that she requests is NOT giving in. I think it's wonderful that she wants healthy foods. If you can be comfortable letting her eat the foods she asks for you are giving her some choices. Toddlers need choices. They are becoming more independant and learning how to make good choices. Healthy food is a good choice.
I don't understand this control issue. A parent is still in control when they choose to give their baby what she has asked for. If one has to be in control how can they parent a teen? I see healthy parenting as one who provides the toddler, child and/or teen appropriate decisions. Many, many times I've seen parents insist that they are in control at all times, meaning the parent makes all the decisions. And those parents have power struggles with their kids going on all the time.
I would find a way to give her what she's asking for before she cries. It is not good to teach our children that if they whine, cry, etc they will get what they want. So I recommend that you give her the food when she asks. Eliminate the need to cry to get it.
what does being in control at mealtime look like? I think it has many different ways of being in control When you choose to let her make a choice you are still in control.
When I was training to be a supervisor I was tol that if I have to say, "I'm the boss" (in control, I'd already lost respect and obedience of the ones I was to supervise. Being in control means to me that I am in charge of making major decisions while allowing reasonable input from the officers.
I believe this works with kids, too. As parents we need to find ways to give our toddlers/children/teens a sense of being in control during appropriate circimstances. i.e.let them choose the book for reading at bedtime. For a child older than your's set out to sets of clothing and let her choose which one she'll wear.I am close to a mother who thinks that she has to choose her kids clothes for them. They are both in elementary school.
Mealtime is shared control. You made the dinner so you are incontrol of the menu. Your husband puts your daughter down. Managing the baby is control shared with you. Your daugter wants blue berries. She's in control by knowing what she wants. It's so good that her choices are healthy ones. I would not give her sweets or any other unhealthy food even if she cried. She's in control when she decides not to eat. I'm glad you aren't making a fuss with that. Eating disorders can be caused by parents not letting the children be in control of themselves and what they eat.
I also agree that putting her down even tho she hasn't eaten is a good plan. At 13 months she is not capable of sitting in one place for very long. The benefit for you is that you can continue eating without having to deal with her.
My last note. More of a question. If being in control means that you don't give them choices how will they learn how to make choices? I think the result of having his parents in total control causes the child to feel that he's not a part of the family.
Building a strong family requires that everyone feels that they have some power that increases as the child matures. How do powerless people act? Are they able to have a healthy attitude toward people including their parents. As teens feeling powerless results in rebellion and not following the rules.