What I mean is expecting in their minds unreasonable expectations that no rational host would think of on their own. Not articulating these needs and then complaining about how they were wronged by their host?
Case in point is one of my coworkers. Her first grandchild was born a couple months ago. Because of her work schedule she could not go out of town to see the new baby for two weeks. In that two weeks the parents had pictures taken of the baby and distributed them to their family in town when they came to visit.
That coworker came back here with her knickers in a twist over that. She felt the parents should not have given out one picture until she, the grandmother, got hers first!!!! She had been disrespected by her son's wife!!! Clearly they hadn't considered her feelings when proudly handing out pictures of their first child!!!!
So do you all think this is a one of or do some people just set out to make themselves a victim of.....things?
Oh, I should have added, these pictures were the old fashioned professional ones. By the time they were done and could be shipped she would have got them in the mail after she left for the visit. Getting them on the visit was the fastest way to get them to her.
Well, just tell her if she were a GOOD grandma, she would have been there for the baby's birth. Ahahahaha! See how that goes, I double dog dare you!
Her poor daughter-in-law! She has a long road ahead of her. My husband's oldest sister is this way. She wants to be the center of the universe and come first in every thing to do with her son's children. There has been a lot of drama, tears, and gnashing of the teeth. Her expectations are completely insane. Like she refused to go to son and daughter in-law's house for Christmas dinner last year because HER parents were going to be there, and THEY would steal all of the attention away, and they would steal her thunder when it came time for the boys to open their presents. So she and her husband had to go to their son's house very early on Christmas morning to be the first to give the grandsons their presents. Oh my, was her daughter-in-law annoyed. I wouldn't be able to put up with that.
To me, with THIS situation, it is not a "victim" thing... it is about that Grandmother, feeling that SHE wanted to be first, and was not.
So, she has personal issues and personal "rules" about what should have happened, and she CANNOT control that. But she thinks she can.
So she is then, insulting her son's Wife and making her the 'bad' guy.
And ultimately, it is the parents of the baby, that can decide what to do. They cannot possible, read another person's mind. Nor do they have to, dictate their lives, according to that particular Grandmother.
That Grandmother, will it seems, be a point of trouble, for them.
She wants to control everything.
But can't.
And so, she can't stand that. Hence she makes trouble/issues about how SHE thinks, they should behave.
That Grandmother, seems to be a drama type.
Ick.
Yep! they were suppose to put their life on hold for her J..........
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh puhleeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our 1st GREAT grandaughter was born in April! My grandaughter, daughter & other various family members are in CA, we are in AL, we were just happy to have our 'bragging rights' & a happy & healthy baby! We didn't get pics for about a day or so, we were in touch with daughter (who was there for birth) on the phone via text messages & then with a real phone call AFTER the event, the kidz (grans & such) were just a little busy! We get pics about once a week, we can't afford to go to CA right now, so we just smile & enjoy every little moment we can with them! Love isn't selfish!
sounds like she is a monster in law. she would have held her son responsible too if not! she only blamed it on her daughter in law. some ppl live on drama like its oxygen ! i avoid those ppl as much as possible.
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We are all only victims of our own reaction to people around us. An astonishing number of people never seem to learn that simple fact. So to answer the question, yes, many many people set themselves up to be victims daily.
Personally, no, I will not let that happen to me. In the case of your co-worker, I'd be SO THRILLED to have a happy healthy grandchild and be busy talking it up, it would never occur to me to feel jilted.
:)
I'm not certain she portrays herself as a victim so much as she insists she is the center of every one else s time/attention/world, etc and then gets mad when she is not.
Did she set herself up? Yep.
Did she work herself into a self righteous hissy fit over nothing? Yep.
Does anyone / should anyone care? Nope.
Is she likely to do it some more? Absolutely.
Oh brother! Some people just have unreasonable expectations!
Wow, this woman sounds like a piece of work for sure. I don't think that she was disrespected at all. It does not sound like anyone purposely withheld photos from her. We just allowed everyone access to the hospital picture from the hospital website. I hate the unrealistic expectations some family members have on new moms. Don't you all remember the days where you had not slept more than 2 hours at a time in days, had a baby hanging off your boob for what seemed like 22 hours per day, and were leaking from multiple orifices of your body. Was your first priority of your life making sure that your MIL was not pissed at you for some stupid reason????
Yes, I do think it's possible. If this woman has story after story of how she's a victim, this will give you your answer.
Some people are definitely drama queens, and can make a "poor-me" situation out of anything. Not my favorite human trait, personally.
BTW, I was actually really surprised by the content of this post. When I read "set themselves up to be victims," I thought you were going to talk about how if something bad happens to someone, it's always that person's fault. So, I agree with your assessment of your coworker, but you might want to give this post a different title.
Yes, some people have to play the victim, or rather find a way to get attention for themselves. I've got a few members of my extended family who thrive on DRAMA. Everything has to be about them in some way and it has to be dramatic. Those types of people are exhausting!!
ETA: I tend to give the DIL the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Should they have tried to get a pic to MIL somehow, probably. But anyone with a new baby, especially at first, knows how overwhelming those first 2 weeks can be. I barely had time to shower some days, let alone sit down and email pics right away. And what time I did have, I cherished sleeping! LOL!
I know many MIL's specifically that would have felt the same as her. Like its a right for them to get "firsts" and other things, when in the cases I speak of, that fantastic relationship is not there in the first place. Its an entitlement thing from them.
I do know many "victim" types tho....high maintenance!!
Yes, there are definitely people who choose the victim role all the time.
Yes, then they whine and whine when anyone offers a reasonable explanation.
ps... my kids are 5 and 3... we still haven't printed off their newborn pics. This woman would hate me.
She Be Crazy! Her son and daughter in law are acting like the proud parents they should be. After all it is thier first child. Should they have hid the baby for two weeks until she got there?
This is not the time for your coworker to be in the spot light. It her son and his new family's turn. The only one that is being disrespectful is her. I like how people want you to consider thier feelings but they stump all over yours. She needs to back off and cut them a lot of slack.
I feel for that DIL! Why is she the on that "disrespected" her. What about her son! And how rude of the DIL to deliver when her MIL couldn't come!
If she is going to make every thing about her, she will always be a pain to deal with.
Some people just cannot be happy for anyone unless THEY are the center of attention! Sure it's her grandchild, but it's THEIR first child and if it was SO important why didn't she make the time to go!!! My mother-in-law is one who cannot function without stress in her life, mine I want stress-free...yep we don't see much of each other! They aren't victims, they are selfish, self-centered, me people who if the attention isn't their's they are going to cause a scene and make it be about them...poor people can't understand that if they just be happy life is much smoother!!
Your friend is a little... mmm... oversensitive. The baby's parents are allowed to do whatever they want to do when it comes to baby announcements and sharing pictures. Would it have been nice if they had held off until the grandmother got to see the baby first? Yes, it would have been "nice" but in no way does she have the right to expect something like that. And the parents are in no way obligated to even consider something like that.
I make myself a victim all the time..thankfully at least I know not to blame other people :)
Like this weekend, I had THREE people make scheduling errors resulting in my having to make hard choices and last minute scrambles that were unnecessary...then I could have gotten everything in if I canceled on one person, but that person is SUPER uptight about being canceled on AND holds grudges, so I put her feelings first and missed out on other stuff...in the end the stress of the whole weekend was me being too concerned about everyone's feelings and making too much of the decisions, so really, I UPSET MYSELF.
Yes, others had made mistakes, and some of them are regularly a bit on the thoughtless side, but you know what? I KNOW that about them, and it's still my decision how upset to get about it. Almost anytime there is a "problem" I know it's my own decision how upset to get. Even if someone else pulls a bonehead move, it's really usually your OWN choice to be miserable.
So yes. Some people love to play the victim AND blame others for their misery.
Someone not giving me a picture FIRST, would NOT have put me in victim mode, personally. Sounds like she needs to pass out a printed copy of her "grandma rules" and distribute it! (I love how only the daughter in law is responsible, not the son in any way :)
I can understand why she would be hurt, but I don't think they were in the wrong. I guess they should have sent grandma a picture via us mail or email.
Does she think that no one should have seen this child before her?
I am not sure about setting themselves up to be a victim, I guess it would depend on the circumstances.
She's not being a victim she's being a control freak. I had a MIL like that and she is at least 50% of the reason I divorced my ex. He thought she was the most loving, kind, intelligent .... and she was more important to him than I was.
If this woman doen't want to see her son in divorce court soon she needs to back off.
Sounds like she wasn't a victim but was too sensitive and just upset that she couldn't get there sooner (and it is easier to mad at the inlaws...isn't her son just as much to blame?).
Personally, I can't imagine grandparents NOT being on the top of the picture-giving list, so *maybe* she was disrespected by her DIL. I don't know that for sure, and neither do you. Not to mention that there are SO many options for sending photos: email, snail mail, picture messages, facebook, etc.
Maybe her point was not really so much that NO O. "should have been given a photo until she got hers first" but "why on earth would I NOT have been given O.?"
I DO believe that most interpersonal conflict comes from unexpressed or unrealistic expectations.
Should a new grandmother say: "I expect to be among the first to receive photos of my new grandchild."? Probably not, but I think in this situation, it's a case of common courtesy, respect and thoughtfulness. If they knew she couldn't make it for 2 weeks, why in the world wouldn't they have mailed O. to her?
Maybe the DIL wasn't thoughtful or respectful. Or maybe she was being disrespectful. Or maybe she was just an airhead. Who knows?
ETA: Most "old fashioned professional photographers shoot digitally now and often have proofs on a website, accessed with a simple password. I don't know many that use negative any more. They just can't compete.
And I just cannot believe that I am the only O. who thinks a first time grandmother deserves to see SOME kind of a photo before she visits the kid 2 weeks after the birth! I'm sorry, but I think that's just the loving, sharing thing to do!
I guess in her mind, she was more important than everyone else, even though she could not be there. It seems irrational to me too. So yes, I suppose what you say is true to an extent. But in just about any situation, there will always be opposing view points. Does that mean that all expectations are unreasonable?
oh my word! I'm sorry I missed this one J.!! I think I need to bookmark your profile so I can check you out!! :)
Yeah, some people set themselves up to be victims. It helps them deal with life and all the things they have failed to accomplish - because it's NOT THEIR FAULT....
This W.? Oh man - can't be grateful that she has a grandbaby? I would just ignore her or oooohhh yeah - pull out the sarcasm!!! Make a sarcastic comment that might - MIGHT is the operative word here - make her think OUTSIDE the box for a minute or two!!! I love your sarcasm, J. - so you can find a zinger for her!!
