Do You Think Marriage Is Just a Piece of Paper?

No, it is not just a piece of paper. The love for each other two people feel effects EVERYONE around then, thus there IS an obligation to their family/community/religion/government.

I didn't always think this way. At 44 years old, I think I am finally beginning to understand commitment.

:)

Cheating on a boyfriend is wrong....cheating on a spouse is a sin. So yes, I think that there is a difference. Besides I think being married makes people try and work things out. It's easy to get rid of a boyfriend/girlfriend, much harder to get rid of a spouse. :)

I've been married 9 years. We lived together once we got engaged, then got married a little over a year later (we've been together for 14 years...so 5 years before we got engaged). Marriage is MOST DEFINITELY more than just a piece of paper. It's an official committment to love and fidelity. I guess it is a contract, but it substantiates the love 2 people have. I don't mean to upset people by saying this...but I feel that those who are in love for years but never marry do so out of fear. Out of fear being married will somehow cause cheating. Out of fear of losing a feeling of independence. Some people need to feel they can easily "walk away" if they decide to...maybe they would feel trapped in a "marriage." To each his own, but I think a marriage is way, way different than just being together.

For us, it is a sacred covenant.

Well, I will keep it short, but I believe in God, and I certainly dont think living together is the same as being married. My husband is something sacred, to me a boyfriend never would be. Theres a huge difference. I could go on, but I'll stop here.

No, it isnt. The only people i see call it that are the un-married ones. Its a commitment that cannot be easily torn aside, It has vows you are supposed to follow, its a contract before your state and God. It implies indirectly and indirectly a commitment not easily broken because of the ramifications, and the figurative and literal meaning of divorce. Keeps people honest.

the only thing that is legally binding, and official about living together is a lease.

Ask a gay couple this question and youll get better answers than i could give.

I agree with Justchillin... In marriage you are making a committment in front of God and to God to stay together through thick and thin.

i'm totally, commitedly (is that a word??) single raising a sweet boy, so there's where i'm coming from. i don't think it's just a piece of paper. i'm a christian so my beliefs are that it's making a commitment to each other in front of friends/family but MOST IMPORTANTLY you're making a commitment not just in FRONT of God but TO GOD that you are now commited to this person through God. wow...does that make sense. i believe this but i guess difficult to explain. when things get REALLY bad in a marriage, i believe what does or what should keep us together is the commitment we made to God to be married to this person. not necessarily to the person himself b/c as people we will all fail in marital roles at some point. oh Lord, does any of that make a lick of sense?! lol anyway, there's my thoughts for what it's worth! :)

I think that marriage is something special and for me it was a lot different from living together. Marriage is a very special bond.

It changes things. You can't just walk out the door and be done with the relationship. Of course you could get a divorce...but if you're always leaving yourself the out...shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

It's not just a piece of paper!

Hi 'clarified'-

Funny you would ask this...yesterday 'would' have been my 24 year wedding anniversary...(my divorce was final in 2005...but the financial issues linger...) Ex and I never lived together...sometimes I wish we had...I might have seen some red flags...

Anyway...while married...particularly toward the 'beginning of the end'...I stayed for the sake of the marriage...for the sake of the kids...In MY instance a HUGE mistake...

Now, I am in a long term relationship...I stay daily because I choose to...not because of some 'belief' in a piece of paper...or a sense of 'obligation'...

Not sure if it makes sense...but I feel MORE 'married' to pete than I ever did to my ex...

Strange?
michele/cat

It's not a piece of paper to us. When we married, something changed. We became even more of a united front. It cemented something for us. Hard to explain.

I do not think it just a piece of paper. I lived with my husband 17 years before getting married this pass October. I feel he is a different person. He is better then before. Believe me it was my idea to get married not his. We have the same last name and he would always say we were married. I just felt you get a more respect from family and friends and co-workers. I am his wife not his girlfriend. The family is different now as well, like him better. Even myself. I would think before just walk away it not worth it. Now its more like we are in this together and have to work on it. Even after 18 years now. Nothing is easy. So to answer your question I do not think its a piece of paper. :)

Marriage is a commitment to each other! A commitment to stay together, love each other, take care of each other and share everything, for life!

Living with someone means just that....they just live together. Like your college room mates! Like a border! They can also just leave at the drop of a hat if they want with no looking back and no breaking of any commitments or promises.

For me personally I felt the day we got married our bond and love went to a deeper level ,so I don't think marriage is just a piece of paper.
I love saying "my husband" in conversations.
All the best
B. k

For me it was always a question of legality. Am I protected under the law if my man suddenly drops me? what about our kids?
After dating for over two years, and living together for several months, I finally asked him, are we getting married or what?
I would NEVER have children, or buy a house, or quit my job, with a man who wouldn't marry me.
I have my own history and reasons for feeling that way, so it's just my opinion.
We've been (mostly!) happily married for almost 19 years and have 3 great kids, 18, 15 and 12 :)

I agree with Bernie K. It is different. I felt a deeper connection, safer in my relationship, and with boyfriends, you can just break up anytime but with marriage (and children of course) those decisions become more serious.

I also lived with my husband for about 9 months before we got married and we are married 5 years.

it depends on your commitment to each other...my husband & i were not married on paper until 3yrs ago we have been married in our hearts for the past 10yrs since we moved in together, we represented ourselves as married, all of our finances were meshed, we had a commitment to each other verbally & emotionally that was & is the same as our marriage, really the only reason we finally got the piece of paper was for insurance our commitment has not changed
this obviously is our situation & everyone's is different & this also had nothing to do with religion & it does for some people...however one person's opinion might be different it doesnt make it wrong or right just different just as it doesnt make our commitment wrong or right just different, not traditional but just as strong non the less

The only thing that's different to me is that I get to use my husband's work health care. My feelings for him didn't change, and I feel just as secure in our relationship as I did when we were living together. Considering how easy it is to get divorced in America right now, the piece of paper is only good for tax benefits and health care.

I do feel different being married than I did just dating or being engaged to my hubby, but I certainly can see both sides of the argument here. I wouldn't move in with my husband before we were engaged, but we had a quick courtship...got engaged after 8 months and were married 6 months later. I guess I am one to believe that the "piece of paper" doesn't make people more moral, so if they were going to do unsavory behaviors, a marriage certificate probably wouldn't stop them. But, I do see it as a gesture towards your spouse (and God if you believe) to commit to this relationship and family, to put the other first, to believe in yourselves as a union, and to try even when the going gets tough! I certainly don't judge people for not getting married, but I'm happy to do it for myself!

Personally, I believe marriage is something to take very seriously because it serves as the primary unit and cornerstone of civilization. The natural function of marriage is the creation and raising of the next generation. This function is accomplished within a stable environment of a male and female.

So, is marriage a piece of paper? No. The piece of paper is a function of government as a means of securing and protecting this unit of civilization and ensuring that the government has a next generation to govern. In that sense, the piece of paper is self-serving for the government.

Is marriage the same as living together? No. Although co-habitation for self-satisfaction does naturally lead to the creation of the next generation is does not function as a stable environment for the raising of the next generation.

Lastly, I did not live with my husband prior to marriage because of my high view of marriage and, personally, because of the emotional and spiritual turmoil I witnessed in my girlfriends who lived with boyfriends without life commitment. Although this turmoil does not happen to everyone, a degree of it happens to most, and it was something I chose to avoid.

Nowadays, there is nothing special about being married. Dont get me wrong, I am married. But nowadays, people marry for tax reasons, to become legal, and all sorts of stuff. If my husband was not from a different country, I don't know if we would have gotten married really.

I do, however, see how being married can help. It helps if one of the parents dies or something. It also gives a sense of togetherness, which is precious. In my case, being married allows my husband and I to be in either country as long as we want without trouble, which is very important.

I lived with my husband for almost two years before getting married. Nothing really changed except I get to wear an awesome ring.

I kind of think marriage is just a piece of paper....but at the same time there is something to standing up in front of all your friends and family and promising to love, honor and cherish...til death due you part.

*My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years. We waited to have kids until we had been together for almost 8 years. We have been married for only 1 year this August. He asked me to marry him 8 months after we met and I said Yes but I wasn't in any hurry...I was only 19 when I met him and he was 26 and had been married once before and had 2 kids...I felt I was too young and not ready and I felt he needed more time, since he had only been divorced for a little more than a year.

I love him just the same now that he is my husband as I did when he was only my boyfriend. I am just as committed now as I was then and I know he feels the same. The only real difference I have noticed, now that we are married, is how other people view our relationship...which doesn't matter to me one bit!

For the record, I could have went the rest of my life without ever getting married but it was important to my husband so I married him!!

This year on our first anniversary we are calling it 15+1 years :)

It is partly a piece of paper in terms of legal rights (though in 9 years no one has actually asked to see mine). It makes it a bit harder to split up though once you are living together it is going to be a hassle to to split up anyway. The other aspect is making a public commitment in front of family and friends (we aren't religious so that isn't an issue). That public ceremony did make somewhat of a difference emotionally (and all the stuff you have to deal with together to plan and have a wedding). But I was sure from pretty early on we would end up together. I dreamed what our kids would look like the first year we were together (with the correct gender and age spacing) but it was 5 more years before the wedding. Moving in together, getting married and having children together were all steps of being more committed to one another.

On the other hand my best friend is a lesbian and so far can't get married in our state. She was with her first partner well over a decade, probably 12 or 13 years that they lived together. When they decided to separate it took them something like 2 years to sort out the finances and separate their stuff. Amazingly it was all done as friends and they are still very close. One of them has a new girlfriend and the other married a guy and has a toddler so there are no jealousy issues. My best friend has said on different occasions that they may as well have been married (in reference to finances and medical stuff) and that she would not have married and had children with her past partner if it had been an option (she doesn't want kids at all though). I'm not sure what that really says about marriage...

I've not read any of your other responses before I'm answering this. I also lived with my husband before we got married. It's not the same thing. To grown up adults, marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's vows, which clearly most people don't take very seriously or we wouldn't have the divorce rate we do, but some of us do. It's not supposed to be easy, nobody lied & said it would be. It's a job, and a partnership, and a way of life. Like everyone else, my husband & I have had at least our share of hard times. If we hadn't been married, I'm almost certain we would have separated during some of our lowest times, but we are married & we both put a lot of stock into that decision all those years ago when we were both practically kids ourselves.

The only thing the piece of paper changed was the legal aspect of it. I could now be on his health insurance, we have joint accounts, I can make medical decisions on his behalf and visa versa, I got a much shorter last name(LOL) etc. The relationship didn't change in any way for the piece of paper.
We lived together for 8 months before the wedding. We'd been together a good 3 years before that. This Friday we will be celebrating our 16 year wedding anniversary.

Well, it does afford you certain legal rights. But it is so easy to get divorced now that IMHO, being married does not guarantee any more relationship security than just living together does. You still have to work hard and "court" your spouse.

I think that some couples can have just as committed of a relationship if they are not married. I can say that after almost 21 years of marriage, if someone told me that there had been a mistake and my marriage was not legal, I don't think anything would change between us in terms of our relationship. I guess it depends on the person's view of marriage.

Marriage is whatever the two people in it make it. If two people get married so they can have insurance and tax benefits but never really commit their lives to one another, then yes. Their marriage is only a piece of paper. Then there are people who don't marry that can have very committed relationships, but they don't have the legal connection and are not entitled to the benefits of a married couple.

I was inspired by the handfasting ceremony of the Celts in the middle ages. Binding the hands together and declaring before a gathering "Blood of my blood, Flesh of my Flesh...." No paper required and very, very meaningful.

Also, a marriage ceremony declares that these two people are committed to each other and invoke's the community's support of the union.

I lived with my husband for about a year before we married, BTW. There were some elements to our relationship that seemed to be affected by the increased level of commitment.

If it was just a piece of paper would gay and lesbian couples be fighting so hard for the right to marry?

We have been living together for 27 years and married for 4 of them. No different (actually introductions at parties are easier but I wouldn't say that's a big deal).

It's not really, but then again it is. I want to feel that long lasting love before the marriage and have it carry throughout our marriage. The marriage is the legal aspect of it and sort-of confessing our love to God and promising to each other before our friends and God to be together through thick and thin. It does feel different, but that's a natural feeling of every day feeling that I loved him a little more (until he turned for the worse, showed me our marriage didn't mean anything to him and I left him later on, but that's a different story).

Getting the paper didn't change our relationship with each other. It DID give us certain legal rights and responsibilities toward each other that we didn't have while living together (for example, being able to add him to my health insurance).

As for children, we don't have the ability to make babies together, and he has never had any desire to be a parent. Our decision to marry was strictly about us.

I'm going to start my answer using another person's (male) perspective.

He has been dating his child's mom for many years. They are not married, but he claims her, identifies her, and introduces her as his wife. They seem to have a happy, balanced relationship. They are definitely team players and building towards common goals as a unit.

I can only say I wouldn't marry again. I think it's simply customary and in some cases social pressure to conform to society's standards of "values".

I feel I can have a perfectly healthy relationship with a mature person who treats me and my child with the utmost respect. With respect everything else falls into place.

a marriage certificate changes the relationship. makes it harder to disolve, and provides lots of benefits and legal protections.

a ceremony of marriage can change the relationship depending on whether or not the people cohabitated prior to marriage- and whether or not the people were frank with their expectations and truly themselves prior to marriage.

I think for a lot of people marriage is running through the finish line. The race is over. You go back to being your true selves. There is no more courtship. Only a slightly unpleasant reality. You never noticed he was a slob- he never realized you were a nagging neat-freak, etc....

For people who are authentically themselves the entire time there is less of an adjustment.

What this boils down to is communication and honesty.

I think the idea of marriage being a piece of paper isn't a clear image.
I see marriage as a formal declaration of legal status. Most people I know treat marriage like it's a finish line. The scenic tour is over, and the real work begins.

Or something like that.

I did. Until I got married myself. But it wasn't until then and not a second before.

No it is not a piece of paper. Without it you can walk away free and clear any time. A marriage means a committment to stay together and make it work. I also noticed that family tends to interfere more once you are married.

Nope it's not just a piece of paper. If it was so many people wouldn't hesitate to do it. It's supposed to be a life long committment.

I don't think you have to legally get married. If you love each other then that's good for me. I did get legally married because he wanted me to have his last name but we had been together nearly a decade before that! Make it easier to file taxes tho!

I lived with my husband for 1 year, 2 mos prior to getting married- we have been married almost 10 years. Nothing changed with marriage as far as the relationship goes- so in that aspect, yes it's just a piece of paper. We would still be together today if we had not of gotten married. Our parents pressured us because of their religious views. We are agnostic, so as to not have to constantly hear all that hellfire/brimstone/sin/soul to the devil stuff, we got married. :)
I think that everyone should go through a living together trial period once they become engaged. We knew exactly what we were getting into legally and financially before taking the plunge. We have never regretted it.

For me, yes, marriage is a commitment to another person, heart, body and soul.

I don't think a piece of paper "makes" a marriage, it may start a marriage, and make a marriage official... but it doesn't "make" one.

Living together usually has less real commitment. If you just live with someone, you are free to walk out anytime... You can walk out on a marriage, but to do so requires that you abandon your commitment to them... which is a far greater decision to make than if you just "lived" with that person. If you are in a legal marriage, then you also have the legal aspects of divorce to deal with as well.

Some marriages do dissolve over time. The commitment two people make in marriage requires that both "feed the flames" of thier marriage to make it work. A wedding doesn't make a marriage... because a marriage is an ongoing, lifelong partnership.

My parents marriage "dissolved" by the time I was about 6 years old... yet they stayed legally married and "cohabited" till I was 18. To me, they weren't really "married" for those 12 years... they were just back to 'living together'. It was a relief when they did divorce. My marriage is just over 6 years, and the difference between a real marriage like mine, and my parents dysfunctional one is like night and day... what makes the difference is the work!

-M.

Marriage is no less and no more than what the 2 people involved make it.