Does Separation Really Help?

Don't leave. I did and I probably would not do it again. Try more counselors. Make sure you are trying and not just going through the motions. I was married for 7 years. I had 2 kids and my husband never did anything with them or me. I was miserable. I wrapped myself up in my kids. I felt the same way as you and got a divorce. We both needed to be happy I thought. Then, suprisingly, he started fighting for my kids too. I wound up giving him joint custody thinking it wouldn't last because he was not a good father to begin with. He knew they were my world and I think that is the reason why he fought for them. I have fought legally and gotten much of the custody back due to necessity, but it's been a long 4 year fight. Sadly, we will probably fight until they are adults. That's a long time away. Some people get divorced and can be friends. I have not seen that often. Most times, they become enemies. Just think long and hard before you do it. I could never have imagined the pain that was ahead of me. I had never felt that horrible in my life - not only for my kids and what we would never have again, but also to my suprise, for the marriage. The pain was like a brutal death. It was hard. I am now remarried to the most wonderful man in the world, but my life and my kids lives have been dramatically changed forever. When your kids leave for a week to go to their dads and won't see you or talk to you, your heart gets ripped out because you aren't there putting them to sleep. You think you and your husband can be civil. That's great if you can. But you can only control yourself, not him, and generally it doesn't work that way. If you can't get along married, on the same team, how can you expect to get along divorced and on two teams? I hope this helps. Good luck to you. May God bless your hearts and your marriage.

It depends. If you have ever really loved the man then you can make it work. I was married for 10 years to my first husband. Every day I struggled trying to make it work for religious reasons. My family of origin didn't believe in divorce. Finally I realized I have never nor will I ever love this man. If that his how you feel don't waste anymore time. Get out now!
Someday when you are happy you will look back and wonder... was I ever really married to that jerk or was it just a bad dream. Warning: If you are a co-dependent person that can't handle change this isn't going to be easy. I'm not! I have set many goals in my life and reached all of them. And yet... I remember the first Christmas I spent alone with my children. My 4 year old did something really funny and I turned around and said, "Did you see that?" and realized there was no one to share with. That was a sad moment.
But I had to remind myself that if I wake up everyday lonely for the rest of my life it was better than waking up next to that jerk that was mean to me and definately NOT my life partner.
I have been remaried for 8 years now and marriage is always a struggle but it seems like we just got married yesterday. I'm very happy and my four year old is now almost 18. My new husband and I helped each other raise kids and now have a 3year old of our own. It wasn't easy being a single parent and I had to learn how to do things for myself, but if you aren't afraid of the dark and you can change your own light bulbs then I say go for it! Good luck! :)
However, if you do love him then you can make it work. Someone once told me that all the men in the world are a barrell of monkeys and you can pull the same monkey out every time. I didn't understand that when I was in my bad marriage. I do now that I'm with someone I love. If you love him it can work. If you don't get out now! Teacher and mother of 6. Happily married! :)

When My husband and I had some problems our minister gave us the best advice. "DO NOT move out, because once you have sorted everything this is his this is mine it is hard to bring it back togeather" We went to councleing. We were told when we left it should feel like we just got a hug from our best friend. This person has to be someone you can talk to. The councelor said if we needed to see different councelor to help he would work with us. Or even see us seperatly. He can't share what he talks about with one or the other, but he can use it help. We were each going once a week apart and once togeather for three times a week. It really helped and we are happy now with a few squables now and then. Yes we do have to work at it but that is what a marriage is work.

I am seperated, and I just hate it. It was my husbands idea to seperate. I hear that you have tried counseling and it has not worked. Now, if you still love your husband and he loves you I would recommend trying Jesus, after trying everything else why not let him work it out for the two of you. And I think that divorce only happens if that is what the couple wants. My husband and I have ruled out the idea of divorcing. We are in the process of counseling with our pastor and through our faith our marriage will survive. Good Luck to you and your spouse and may God Bless the two of you.

Hi S.,
Sometimes we have to accept that God puts people in our lives for short times. (even husbands) If you all have been to several counselors and still nothing is improving, I'd say no matter how hard, you guys may just need to part as friends before you totally hate each other. My husband and I separated for six months and while we did get back together and are doing fine, I know a couple of people that didn't do so well. My friend told me that the best thing for her sanity and health was to just end it. She did hurt for a while because she did love him and still does. But she prayed alot and is now fine. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
Good luck.
Mrs. H.

Instead of considering separation try the 30 Day Challenge! Pastor Deirdre, in Raleigh, NC sent this to me...it is a good reminder of how to start our new year off right! Pray for your husband (& children). We have no right to complain if we are not doing our part! Think of it this way, if you don't pray for them, who will?

The 30-Day Challenge
For 30 days only speak positive about and to our husbands. It will be awesome to know that there will be like minded ladies all over praying for husbands.

If you're happily married, not so happily married, getting married, taking a break from your marriage, rekindling your marriage, or hoping to get married ... This challenge is for you. If you plan on taking the challenge I recommend getting a journal as well. What an awesome way to see God's glory unfold.

Print out the attachments. (Email me if you would like the attachments!!)
Invite others to join! Starting January 2008. This was actually supposed to start on the 1st but that's okay just start one day this month and end in 30 days.

You can visit Pastor Deirdre at www.EaglesChristianCenter.org

Again, email me if you would like the attachments for the 30-Day Challenge! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. V.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for YOU"' declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

My hubby and I have been married for six and a half years. We started having problems after my daughter was born and decided to go to counseling. The first time he wasn't really into it so I just quit scheduling appointments and gave him some time to want to go. He did finally get to that point and then it really helped a lot. We were very rocky for over a year but made it through. I still feel like we are a work in progress but at least we are both in it now. To say all that I do not think that separation works because if you are not there together to work on problems they are not going to get fixed. Being apart is just going to make you more distant from each other than you already are. The counseling will only work if you are both going together and are both in it for the same results. The first question our counselor asked us was if we were there for marriage counseling or divorce counseling? That really made me think about what I wanted out of it. It is definitely not an easy decision to make either way. Good Luck!!

Committment. If you can't find happiness here, it won't be anywhere. Talk to anyone who has divorced. They just get a different problem and lose a whole lot of money in the process. Try to work it out. If you talk with people who are in their 70-80's who remain with their first spouse, they will tell you that it wasn't always easy but the longevity and security in having a life long mate over rules the troubles. Everyone has troubles. You are not alone!!!

S.,

Does separation really help, or does it prolong the inevitible the "D-word?" That depends on your focus as a couple. How does each member of the couple react to the separation? Do you continue to work towards getting back together, or do you just simply act as if you are already divorced? Your (and your estranged husband's) actions to that question will tell you the answer where you are headed. If you don't like that decision, something needs to change to head you in the course of action you wish the outcome to become.

How do you know when you tried everything and you are simply incompatible? When you can walk away knowing you've tried everything. When you don't have any feelings or regret or anger.

Hope this helps. I have been there. I got separated during the week prior to my 10th anniversary. If you need to talk privately, feel to message me.

S.,

I have an opinion, and it is only mine. It is free and worth what you paid for it.

My opinion is that if you separate, you are done. If two people cannot work through issues while together, then why would being apart somehow cure that? If you both truly want to stay married, then the only way to stay that way is to work through those issues together.

It's often true that parting will create an environment in which you might miss your spouse...temporarily. But it won't lead to improved relations or solve any actual problems. It will just remind you of what you are giving up.

And it is also true that parting brings relief...relief of the problems that you were under pressure to solve. So it is hard (after you've separated) to give up the relief and take back on the burden of problems.

You've said that you've collectively seen three counselors. Has any of them offered to help you try to determine whether you should split up?

Before you separate, be sure you are ok with divorce, because I think that's normally where it leads.

Good luck to you... it sounds like you've tried darned hard to make it work.

It depends on what you and your husband are dealing with. But my expierence is, I was married for about 6 years, miserable, felt like I had married the wrong man, and looked elsewhere to find love. My husband found out, we were sperated for about 6 to 9 months. When he told our children he was moving back in. I really didn't want that, I was having fun, and we had gotten married at a young age. So after he moved back in the issues we used to have resolved, and we have been married going on 12 years, this year. He is the love of my life and I beleive the seperation helped us oout. We had also gone to counslers with no luck, several. Just be as honest as you can with him and if you both are willing to fight for what you have, you will make it. Marriage is HARD work. But too many people today just decide to throw it away so easily. Good luck!

I have just gone through the same situation. It was my husband who asked for a seperation in August '07. I have a 7 year old and a baby who at the time was 2 months old. I had been going to a counselor for over a year, which my husband only attended twice. Once I moved we saw a different counselor every week for about 2-3 months. I finally realized that it was never going to work, because he wasn't doing things the counselor told him to do, such as read books, go on dates, etc. I realized he just didn't have the courage to say it is over. So, I knew I had worked and put in 100%. In my opinion seperation just prolongs the inevitable! I also think seperation pulls you farther apart from each other there are also alot of hurt feelings! I think you will know deep down that you have done all you can or not! After I told him that it was over, I have felt SO much better, it is kind of a relief! I hope this helps!

I don't think there is an easy answer to that. I think you know in your heart when you have tried and it is not working. What is "miserable" that could mean alot of different things....is either of you not trying to make it work? Maybe you are just bored and need to"spice" things up a bit. Do you want it to work or r u done trying?

Sorry for all the questions, but if you wanna answer them I will be glad to talk with ya. I have been there, we were married for 6 when I got divorced.

Hope to talk with you soon!

S.

I had the same feeling a few years ago. Now we've been married ten going on eleven years and have two beautiful. I sat down with my husband and had a long talk, then I sat down with MYSELF and had a long talk. I figured out, I was really doing thing that made him misurable and I was not honoring him as a husband. When I put aside my differences and focused on honoring HIM and loving HIM, things got a lot better fast.
If there is a buse either verbal or otherwise...get out now! As long as you can sit back and look at the marriage 5 years from now and honestly say, I gave it MY best shot and did all I could do, then it may be time.

I have been married 9 years and there have been times that I felt like I couldn't do it any more.I feel like our love has been the only thing that kept us together.We had so much love for eachother we couldn't seperate.I have never been seperated so I can't give advise if it will help or not.In my opinion I don't think so.One thing that we have realized is when we get stressed instead of getting closer and helping eachother we seem to take it out on eachother and push eachother away more.There are a few things that have helped us.One thing is we make sure we go out once month just the two of us.even if we don't have the money we will find something to do alone.Sometimes it's a simple as walking around the plaza or something.Another thing that has helped are a few books, The five languages of love, his needs her needs, and Love and Respect(my favorite.) we got ours at the family book store in Independence by Target on 39th Street.I'm sure there are other places to get them.We have both learned alot from Love and Respect.
If you love him I would make it work :)

It is difficult to respond to such a big question when I know so little about you. Did you do the counseling just to put your time in, or were you really ready to work at your marriage? I doubt a separation would help fix anything. In fact, it sounds like it would lead to divorce. I have seen people separated and they tend to just do more damage to the marriage.

It sounds like you have to decide if you are willing to put a lot of work into your marriage, or are you ready to give up. I think separations most likely lead to divorce, so be aware if that is what you decide to do.
Good luck.