Don't Knock It Until You've Tried It.....

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I've always been made to feel that I was less than Supermom because I decided to let my kiddo cry-it-out at bedtime...which he DID cry and cry (and so did I) for a couple of days...but I am SO greatful that I did...he now goes to bed without complaint and problem now at 2...stays in bed (he's been in a toddler bed since age 12 months) and sleeps all night long! He's a great kid (and never has he expressed anger/regret/sadness towards me for making him cry-it-out...in fact, he doesn't even remember it). And now I have #2 who spends lots of time crying it out if I have to help his big brother...
So thank you for standing up for all of us Supermoms out there!

I agree! Thank you for saying it! Every baby and every mommy is so different. We all have to find what works for us!

Chrissy

Thanks Andrea, Sometimes I feel like I am judged because I am/was a cry it out mom. My daughter was colicky. NOTHING soothed her. As a new mom, you can only handle so much without "the thoughts" creeping in. I knew she was safe in her bed, and it was better for her to cry it out in her crib than to cry with me holding her and getting closer to loosing it with every wail! She cried and screamed, but it only took a night or 2 and she still sleeps beautifully and she is almost 5. My son, also goes down wonderfully on his own. He may fuss for a second or 2, but he knows bed means sleep and that is that. I'll also add that I never hop at the first noise. Both my kids slept through the night at early ages, my son was only 7 weeks.
A friend once told me: The baby won't remember if he cried for a minute while you finished that book, but your other child will. I have adapted that to my life. He can hang on a second, my daughter will know if I ditch her because he has wimpered. She adjusted very well to him!

On the same type note. I wish natural birth mothers wouldn't judge or condone those who choose to use epidurals. Either way, a baby is being born and it is wonderful. I don't think it is less wonderful with no pain or with. I won't judge your way if you don't judge mine!

Thanks for telling it like it is.

M.

Hi Andrea--
I am one of those that do not believe in the cry it out method. I think it is cruel, and developmental theory and research supports my position. However, I do not think that is what you did. Babies are born with a distinctive temperament. Some want to be held all the time. Some want to sit by themselves and be propped up so they can see. Some take lots and lots of help to fall asleep.....others will simply close their eyes. Every Mom knows their baby the best and can judge. The problem occurs when you have a baby that really needs the extra help and you try to force them into not needing it. This is not healthy for anyone. There is a reason that mother's do not like to hear their baby cry---it is instinctual to soothe a baby because that is what is best for the baby and the Mommy. In your case, when you set your baby down and she just fussed you knew she was okay. Had she screamed it would have been a completely different story. You are blessed to have a baby with such an easy temperament. I wonder, though, how supportive you would have been if your baby cried for 45 minutes so hard that she got sick and then got scared to go to sleep?? I think maybe you might have had a different opinion then. I think you felt a little offended that some may think your a bad Mom because your daughter self-soothes. I think you are a great Mom because you followed your daughter's cues. I believe that if everyone followed their own child's cues there wouldn't be a debate about this.
J.

Amen! My first son fussed for about 5 minutes, then gradually went to not fussing at all. But my second did NOT handle it well at all. He was born with this abandonment issue, feeling abandoned if he was in a room alone. It just didn't work for him.
Every kid is different, so some moms might think it's cruel to cry-it-out because it just doesn't work for their kids. And I suppose it is rather mean TO THEIR KIDS. But not to other kids.
I guess the lesson is don't judge, because you don't know all the circumstances.

BTW, yes, some moms don't let their babies fuss AT ALL. I know one personally. Every time her baby made a noise, she popped her on to nurse. The poor baby was on there most of her life! Then she started standing up for herself and fussing when her mom pushed her boob in her face. We really thought she'd be a spoiled brat, but she seems to have recovered!

My baby boy just turned one, and I guess you can say we used the "cry it out" mothod with him. We bounced, rocked, nursed and cuddled him to sleep for the first 6-7 months. It wasnt until he showed us that he was old enough to understand "crib means sleep" that we actually would put him down in the crib awake. He would wake up every time we moved him by that point anyways, and during the day I noticed that he would start giving me tired cues like he needed a nap by getting cranky or fussy when I had done everything I could for him and I noticed that when he got like that and I put him down in his crib he would just roll into his favorite sleeping position an go right to sleep. After that we started putting him down to bed around 8 pm (but it usually depends on his mood, when he is really fussy he goes to bed sooner and if he is happy he stays up until he starts showing signs of tireness). Well, of course sometimes we do misjudge when he is ready to go to sleep and he does cry a bit. I try my hardest not to go back in and get him after putting him down to sleep because I dont want him to learn that crying is a way to get out of the crib. Sometimes he does cry for a while but unless its a frantic cry that is only building in intensity I will let him figure it out on his own. Most times its a sleepy cry or low moans as he falls asleep. To me thats not a big deal. Lately he has even shown a bit of attitude - he will sometimes SCREAM at me while I am walking out of the room, and cry extremely for the first few minutes, but usually by the time I get downstairs again all I hear is silence. He is just letting me know that sleep maybe wasnt his first idea, but he obviously was tired because he accepts it and goes right to sleep... or he will just sit and play happily in his crib until he drifts off to sleep without a fuss. He is a VERY happy and mellow child and I dont feel that letting him "cry it out" has had any negative effects on him whatsoever. He has learned to understand that there are certain times when he needs to be in his crib and sleep and he really doesnt fight with the boundary very much. I dont think that its a bad thing for children to learn that there are certain boundaries in life. He accepts them, and he is an AMAZING sleeper. He sleeps 12-13 hours at night STRAIGHT, plus takes two 1-2 hour naps during the day.

For example, I have a friend who did co sleeping with her baby girl for the entire first year and is now struggling really hard to get her to sleep outsde of their bed. She doesn't believe in the CIO method and we basically just agree to disagree. Well the other day she was telling me how her daughter had kept her up for 12:30 am to 5 am straight because she was active and wanted to play instead of sleep. She was SO TIRED because of it. In my house, that never would have flown with us, if my baby boy wanted to wake up in the middle of the night just to be active and play and not because something is wrong, well, sorry, but he would be back in his crib til he fell back asleep. Nighttime is for sleeping. He might have fussed a bit but he would have accepted that its not the time time to play and fallen back asleep pretty quickly and probably without too much fuss. If we hear him cry in the middle of the night its because something is actually wrong and of course we rush in as fast as possible, take him out and see to his needs. I would never just let him cry in the middle of the night without checking him and soothing him.

I have read and researched about attachment parenting, but I still am not convinced that co-sleeping is the best or that its wrong to teach your child that there are certain limits when it comes to sleeping, when they are old enough to understand and accept it.

For us, co-sleeping was NOT an option, ever, nor will it be for any of our next kids. I believe that a marriage bed should include only the husband and wife. Parents need their private time together, and having a kid sleeping in the bed is very disruptive to a marriage, imho. I fell asleep nursing a few times when Gawyn was little, but I NEVER slept well, and I was ALWAYS so scared of him suffocating in our big bed, and I would wake hours later SO STIFF because I had not moved an inch while he was next to me. And yeah, maybe he slept great, but that was NOT worth it overall. He slept in his basinette next to our bed and then when he was about 2 1/2 mos old we tried putting him to bed one night in his crib and found that we all slept far better when we were not in the same room. By the time he was 3 mos old he would sleep for 6 hour stretches every night. And I never felt that he was missing anything by not sleeping in our bed with us. In fact, I think he is gaining something by it, because in the long run kids are not going to remember if they slept in your bed with you when they were little (unless they sleep there for YEARS) but they will definitely notice and remember what sort of relationship that you and your spouse have and the way that you treated eachother while they were growing up. And they will be looking at your relationship while trying to decide how they want their marriage to be and that will most DEFINITELY effect their life. I think having a good relationship with your spouse is the very best gift you can give your children, and I strongly believe that to do that you need to have oyur own marriage bed with no kids in it. Putting intimacy asside, I know my marriage ALSO needs the few minutes before sleep to cuddle with my husband and talk about our day and our day coming up. A baby in the bed or room makes it so that cant happen either.

Well, thats my LONG rant. Good for you if you read all the way to the end :-)

Wow, Regina, I think you went to the total other extreme. Yes, Andrea's case is what all of us would love to have happen. She has been blessed with a laid back daughter - hope this lasts through the teen years! :)
There is a middle ground, and that can work too. I did put my son on a schedule. No, I didn't say 7:00 is it, you will sleep now. It is a gradual thing where you take your cues from your baby and know that he needs X amount of sleep at night, or you have to pry him out of bed in the morning and he is soooo cranky.
I also think that there is a difference between letting them cry it out for about 15 minutes at a time versus ignoring them all night. Also, crying it out is not an on going situation, where every night they cry and cry and you ignore them. After about 2 nights and crying about 9 minutes each night, my son learned that he can go to sleep on his own. Now, when he cries, unless it is just overtired fussy because we kept him up late, we know that there is a reason and respond to it accordingly.
He is a great sleeper, and a very happy boy. No, crying it out doesn't work for everyone. Just like co-sleeping, or any other parental choice doesn't work for everyone, and they choose differently. But I think the point of Andrea's post was so that people don't judge everyone else's choices. You don't have to agree with them, but you should be respectful.

yes every parent has a right to their own method of parenting. We should all be respectful and never bad mouth anyone else.

Dear Andrea,
I think that you are very blessed with a child who is naturally an easy baby. Out of 6, I had one like that (I called him "the easiest baby in the world."). It is not terribly common, I don't think. I think the danger in the self-soothing camp is that if you try to put a more high-need child on a self-soothe lifestyle, you are asking for trouble. I think the underlying issue is that we need to really know our children and parent to their needs. No two children should be parented exactly alike because they are individuals and have different needs. We want a step-by-step guide on parenting, and it just doesn't work like that. It takes effort, love, understanding, patience, and wisdom to figure out how to parent each individual child. Not easy! Thank you for your post. I think you brought up a good point in that some babies really are easier in the sleep department than others. Oh, by the way, my "easiest baby in the world" turned out to be the most difficult child to parent, and still is. He challenges us in ways the others don't. He pushes limits and struggles to submit to authority. I don't know if the issues of him not spending most of his day (and night) cuddling with me, having needs met by me (he had very few needs as a baby), and learning to trust me in the same way his siblings did made the difference, but, boy, we struggle with him. (He's not horrible at all, just more trying than the others.)Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your post and add some thoughts to it also.

Thanks for your post. I'm with you. I think the thing that frustrates me is that people on either side are so critical of the other side. It's your kid, you decide how to parent for your specific reasons and shame on anyone for getting in someone else's face and saying "I can't believe you're doing that!". We have some family members who parent completely different from us (they are somewhat into the attachment parenting ideas). They came to visit with their 3 year old. Our kids, ages 4 and 2, go to bed at 7:30pm. We read books, sing songs, brush our teeth, pray, and they get in bed. Aside from times when they are tired or sick, they like getting in bed. Their favorite blanket/animals are there, and both of them often continue the singing and prayer by themselves or with each other (they share a room). This is a routine for them, one that is soothing (all the singing, time with us before bed), and one they expect and enjoy. Now I KNOW that the "cry it out" method is something completely different, but I also know that parents often use the "cry it out" method to break bad habits, with the end result being what I just described with our kids (we didn't have to do that to get our kids to go to bed, it was just always our routine). Our family members have a different approach with their three-year-old. He is still nursed to sleep, sleeps with his parents, and nurses several times through the night. That's what they've picked and while I would not choose their path, that's their deal. Here's what bothers me: they are critical of how we parent, and think that we are emotionally rejecting our children by not sleeping with them (notice how the understanding and acceptance is not a 2 way street). But here's the other thing: One night, we put our kids to bed, the 20 minute routine, and then sat down on the couch and were talking about our day, just enjoying each other as a couple. Our family member (the dad) said "how did you guys do that?" His wife was stuggling to get the 3 year old to bed, frustrated and not able to spend time with adults at night for several days now. He went on to say that he wished they had couple time, and wished his child would just go to bed (he has mentioned this before). So my other point is, if you choose something, it has to work for your whole family and both parents need to be OK with it. I didn't see that as the case with them, and it makes me sad. I think the most important thing you can give your child, to make them secure, to teach them about love, is to show them the solid love between their parents. We know parents who never ever spend couple time together, because their children get first dibs on absolutely everthing, every time. Honestly, I wonder how more children are conceived! :) My son knows that mom and dad like to spend time together and it's wonderful for him. For those of you who do attachment parenting and still get couple time, good for you!

My children are happy, secure, loving children who show affection to us and other people in their lives. Sometimes they simply need mom and dad. Othertimes they figure it out on ther own. I did not (and could not for medical reasons) nurse them past 6 months and they don't sleep with me. That's my business and I think my children are wonderful. If you do things completely different and you think your kids are wonderful, too, good for you. As with anyone, I hope that the whole family is OK with it (including dad), and I hope that couples can spend quality time together to build up the loving family.

Hi Andrea - I agree with what you have to say but I dont think what you are describing is what people commonly take for the "cry it out" method. I am a firm believer in self-soothing and what you are describing is exactly how my second was after about 6 months. It all depended on how his cry sounded. If it was kind of a weak little tired cry I knew he was okay fussing for even a couple of minutes. If it was one of those cries that started slow and then ramped up, I knew I needed to go back and help him some more - sometimes picking him up and sometimes not.

My first was higher-maintenance and needed to be rocked or held and sung to for 20-30 minutes before I could lay him down.

As parents we just have to learn what our child needs and then do our best. I just dont think allowing a child to cry until he gives up crying is the best way to do it. I have a friend whose 18 mos old daughter would refuse to sleep in her crib because they would let her cry it out as an infant. She would literally cry so hard she got sick as a way to up the ante and make them take her out of her crib. I cant help but think that if they had responded to her needs better as an infant she wouldnt have rebelled the way she did.

And don't give those who have tried it and knocked it a hard time. Congrats on being able to use the self-soothing method with your daughter. I tried it, my kids are screaming by the time I'm out the door and they don't stop for anything. And then it takes almost twice as long as I let them cry to get them calmed down again. Some kids can do this. Try it out. Others can't and for those kids who won't their mom's NEED the advice of others to get them to learn how to go to sleep and stay asleep through the night on their own. I hope you don't feel like people are putting you down for trying it. I think it may be that some of us are just a little jealous that it worked so well for you. I know I am. :)

Andrea!

Hooray for you. I'm excited that I've finally got a baby that goes to bed just perfect without my help so that makes ME excited, and my husband and our other daughter. I don't know how we really discovered that she can do it, but she can. We love her and feed her and play with her until she's tired then we carry her up to her bed and lay her down give her her little stuffed puppy and her pacifier and a blanket and she rubs that little puppy on her forehead and flops her arm for a bit and then she's out. It is lovely! Our first daughter was so difficult to put to bed. She still is at age 8, though it is getting easier!

Thanks for being brave! We have let our youngest cry it out a few times and honestly it is the break that I need or my husband needs or SHE needs from us. It isn't an every day occurrence any longer, but it wasn't that big of a deal to begin with.

V.

I agree too - part of life is learning to cope and we as parents have that as a major responsibility to teach our children. It's the ones that cry for a long time - 45 minutes or more that are what I think some people have commented on, not letting them just cry and cry. The age of the child matters too. Good points though - thanks for sharing.

Andrea,

This might be part of the problem. I suggest you look into it to rule this out. It is his memory. I have lots of children who come to me who are doing poorly in school(reading, writing, spelling, memorizing.)

I notice that some children who do not remember very much lie. They may make stories up about the day, add on details about what they just read or had read to them.

Just to rule it out, do a little test with him. Pick a short article that has facts, names and numbers(history, animal facts, state, country blurbs). Have him read 5-6 lines out loud and 5-6 lines quietly. Prep him before that you are going to ask questions about it.

Ask him to recall anything and everything he remembers. How much can he remember on his own? Then ask him questions. Notice if he makes things up, if he only has a few facts or none at all or only remembers what is read out loud or visa versa. (Be positive abt. what he does get right.)

If any of the above show up then he has memory troubles.
If he remembers a lot, then great! it is not a memory issue.

I do Integrative Brain Therapy. It is a short series of sessions that permanently change the brain's functions so that learning and remembering are easy.

Best of luck!
A. Lovejoy
lovejoybit.com

I completely agree with you Andrea. I also think that it is so much easier to start them right off. Newborns fall asleep so easily, that it is a great time to introduce self soothing. I have four children and each one has gone to sleep differently. I have done the same basic routine with all of them. My first liked to be bounced for a minute and then put down and off to sleep, no crying. My Second I would snuggle and put her down happy and she would cry off and on for 15-20 min. My Third, would have the snuggle and put her down and she would cry for about 2min and be out. My fourth cries for about 10 min off and on some with a great amount of intensity. So even if they do cry a little bit, what is the harm in that? My babies rarely cry during the day, and crying is a way to release stress and clam down. So the way I see it is all babies must cry sometime, I think it is needed a little bit. And if it happens to be at nap time, and I know all their other needs have been taken care of, then its a safe place to cry.
One important thing, as with anything in child rearing, is to do something long enough that you can establish a norm. Once you know what the norm is, then you will know instantly when something is awry. Because its out of the normal routine you will know and can attend to their needs.
THE MOST IMPORTANT thing about parenting is Love the SECOND is that whatever you do, you do it consistently. This above everything else establishes the most security for your child. Even if you are not the most "knowledgeable" and up to date in parenting techniques, as long as you are consistent, your children will respond like wise.
Good luck to all with finding solutions, I just love all the thoughts from good mama sources. Thanks to you all.
E.

As a mother of 4, I have "tried it" and love it!
With my first child I was one of those moms that couldn't even think about letting my precious child cry it out. This mindset was futher compounded by the culture I adopted from many years of La Leche League and the co-sleeping community. My darling first child never slept more than 8 hours total in a 24 hour period. I was exhausted and a wreck, but sure I was doing what was best for my baby.
My second child was just naturally a sleeper and a self-soother. And quite out of accident, I realized she slept better in her own room, and so did I. I realized the difference in my life and in my child's when there was adequate sleep to go around.
After the birth of my third child, I knew I couldn't do what I had done with my first again, after the ease of life with my second child. I was determined to do whatever I needed to to teach my third daughter to be a good sleeper and self-soother. I found a great book, "12 Hours Sleep by 12 Weeks." I took what worked for my family from it, and had great success (with very little crying).
My fourth daughter, a welcome surprise, was also taught using the same methods to sleep and self-sooth.
I have been in both camps, and to tell you the truth, if I could do it over with my first, I would in a heartbeat. She is still, at 8, a very poor sleeper, where my other 3 sleep incredibly well, self-soothe, and are generally happier and less anxious, I believe, because of it.

True! And thats all I have to say!

Amen to that! I agree 100%! Sounds just like my little guy! :) Even the few times he does cry, a simple pat on the back, and he's out! Thanks for your post, it makes me feel better after all the comments I've read elsewhere!

Thumbs up to Sarah. :)

Honey, what you described isn't the "cry-it-out" method so many of us are passionately against.

Here's the scenario: It's seven thirty (or whatever time) at night and baby isn't really tired yet but you have decided that you want your baby to go to bed at seven thirty every night--end of story, no debate. So you pick up your bundle of joy and plop him into the crib, kiss his forehead, tell him it's time for sleep, and walk out the door shutting it behind you. Baby starts crying because he doesn't want to be alone and you don't come. Half an hour goes by and baby has worked himself up so much that his face is red, his heart is pounding, and the sounds coming from this baby are more closely related to screams of panic, but you don't come...because it's eight o'clock and he needs to be asleep since this is the schedule you've picked out for him. An hour goes by and he's gasping for air, screaming, wailing, flailing, and his stomach is wrenching to squeeze the air in, he's getting air trapped into his gastrointestinal system and is now also in pain from the cramping due to all that air...but you don't come because--darn it--he needs to figure out how to sleep. This goes on until out of sheer exhaustion he sleeps, not because he's finally figured out it's ok to sleep, but because he simply cannot stay conscience due to the energy he's expended.

This is one of those things that is just like the spanking debate. Many times the two camps are defending two different pictures. I don't think a baby will die or be traumatically changed for life if it takes you 5-10 minutes to respond though I think the quicker the better (you know, as soon as you can given the situation)whether your child is 3 minutes old are all the way up to 93 years old...let's not make people wait just because we can--it's kind of rude. I do however detest people who just abandon their babies at a certain time of night and leave them to cry for hours just because they want to be off the clock. I have watched females put infants in cribs and walk all the way out of their homes so they don't have to listen to their babies cry as a matter of routine. THIS is the CIO method that we anti CIO mothers are so passionately against...NOT the 90 second whimper.

There are others who like to put their babies down and do this 5 minute, 10 minute, 15 minute increased increment visit to talk to and pat their baby. To them it makes sense, they feel like they are letting baby know they are there and therefore supporting the baby's sense of safety. Now for me, that would just tick me off to know the person I needed/wanted was standing by doing absolutely nothing of value for me. (value as I see it in the moment) I would not find any comfort in knowing people I depend on are standing by while I'm under stress, feeling alone, and uncomfortable...I would not trust them for long and become more needy and insecure because of not knowing when they were going to decide not to be helpful again. But to others this makes sense. To me it's just teasing and tormenting like dangling a bone in front of a hungry dog and pulling it away...or a game of keep-away.

If you KNOW that you know that you know that your baby will fall asleep in 5 minutes if you lay him or her down...then by all means, lay your baby down. If you just think he or she should be cause YOU want to be off the clock...that's a different story.

I know lots of moms who are proponents of cry-it-out that don't actually let their babies cry and cry...they just wait a few minutes to see if baby will go back to sleep before they respond. Good. Fine. ME, I don't consider that CIO.

So, I've learned there are debates that first must be defined before really delving into them--though I forget to do that sometimes before jumping and making comments. When talking about spanking, are we talking about one light swat to the bum or are we talking about hitting very firmly three to five times, etc... When talking about the Cry-It-Out method, what exactly do we all mean when we're debating because a lot of the time I find that those who disagree actually DO agree when everything is clarified because they were arguing about different pictures.