I have a three year old and an eight week old daughter. In the past few days, my eight week old has started crying almost every time my husband holds her - she quiets immediately if I take her from him. Sometimes she wants to nurse so maybe she was crying b/c she was hungry but sometimes she doesn't want to nurse so that can't explain it. It isn't just a little fretting cry - it is the full on, I am mad or hurt or really need something cry. It happens more in the evenings (i.e. every time he holds her in the evening) but also sometimes during the day. It is really hard on my husband - both because he loves the baby and wants her to be happy with him and also because he is a stay-at-home dad. So far, I have been on maternity leave and bringing the baby in to work with me when I have to go in so I haven't left her much with my husband but soon he is going to be with her a lot so clearly he needs her not to be "allergic to dad" (which is the way he puts this behavior).
Nothing like this happened with our first daughter. My husband does spend much less time with our eight-week old than I do, in large part because he spends more time with the three year old. Since I'm breastfeeding, I often have to be the one with the eight week old. Also, we have been trying to get the eight week old to take a bottle (of expressed milk) from my husband but she doesn't like to. Sometimes she completely refuses and other times she eventually she will drink the milk with lots of fussing and crying.
Do you have any suggestions of what we can do to make the baby not cry so much when Dad holds her? Or any stories that say maybe this is common but hopefully will soon pass? We need help! Thank you so much.
Start with making things he uses unscented. No colonge, body spray, aftershave etc - body wash unscented I would start there he could have a scent on him that bothers baby that you do not have. I have seen it before.
Well-at this point he is probably a nervous wreck! Try wrapping up baby and have him hold Little Princess in the burping position-if this doesn't work-have Dad try holding her facing out and away from him-Don't worry-someday you won't be able to pry them apart!
Sleep in one of dad's t-shirts and then have dad put on the t-shirt when he holds her.
OR - have dad go topless and remove all clothes except baby's diaper. Skin-to-skin contact is priceless security for an infant.
Find some music that baby likes and then ONLY play it when dad is with her (for my daughter it was an 80's CD that I had that started out with YMCA and also had I will survive and that jock jams song. crazy, right?
Baby can also feel dad's stress. He needs to not take it personally and chill. I know, I know, easier said than done.
Good Luck.
My daughter did this too. Its a scent and cushy issue. Dads don't smell like Moms. Dads aren't cushy in certain spots like Mom.
Two things that helped us.
- When I would hold her on the couch, and she'd fall asleep, blanket under her, I'd hand her to Dad, so that while she was asleep, she would feel and smell Dad and associate that with sleep. Safety.
- Found a thin pillow that Dad would place between him and baby girl. To help add cushy in the right spots.
Another idea.
-Get 2 matching shirts that you wash together so that the scents/feel are the same.
I think it is pretty normal but it is upsetting. A couple of things to try are you leaving the house for a little while and let your husband try to give her the bottle while you are gone - try to leave her already a little hungry so she is willing to eat. Don't go to far away so if it doesn't work you can get back soon to nurse her. Also, you can start holding a cloth or blanket or something while nursing so that it will have your scent on it then let your husband use when he holds her or tries to feed her. Maybe you could wear a tshirt that fits both of you one day and then your husband could wear it then next before you wash it.
Has your husband been doing other things for the baby like changing diapers and giving her a bath? Doing those things might help her get used to daddy taking care of her.
Also, my boss told me that his younger daughter wanted nothing to do with him as a baby and would scream anytime he tried to hold her. He said she didn't completely grow out of it until she was about 6. They are very close now (She's 15). If it were me, I think I would have made every effort to help her get over it sooner.
I absolutely agree with Megan C. A lot of it has to do with cushy. My babies loved their one aunt to hold them. She is a little on the heavy side and would joke that she was like a pillow. It is not him. Poor guy... is she swaddled when you give her to him? That may help, along with one of her favorite blankets on him.
My husband had the same excat reaction from our son for just over 2 months. My DH usually has some sort of facial hair on (because of my preference of him wearing it) and his feelings would be hurt often from the baby's reaction. What we did was have him shave, and when he'd hold the baby, I'd give him a shirt I recently wore to use for a snuggle. After a week, it worked and now baby is happy with Daddy but still prefers Mommy - which is normal. At almost 6 months, getting him to take a bottle while I'm gone is still a big deal - lots of fussing, crying, some gagging - but be firm and consistent and it'll be ate if the baby is hungry. Most times, the baby just waits for me to come home LOL... seriously - one time it was 9 hours!!
my first thought is maybe its a scent issue. my babies would scream when one aunt would try to hold them and i can understand why, she wore perfum and when i would take them back from her, they would reek of her perfum. So maybe dad needs to cut the aftershave, or scented deodorant, or work smells? garage=gasoline, mowing the lawn=grass, smoking?? that sort of thing.
I agree with the ladies who mention smells. He doesn't smell at all like you and if he's wearing aftershave, that could bother her little nose. The thing is, after she has gotten used to being uncomfortable with him, even when the offending smell is gone, she could have a negative feeling about him. The only way to get past that is for him to continue to hold her.
He may also feel insecure holding her now because he knows she's going to cry. He should be holding her very securely. Don't rush in and "save" the baby - walk away and let them be alone together. She will adjust. She needs to be allowed the time to get to know her daddy. I would leave them together for an hour at a time. Maybe you could go fix dinner or do housework, etc. (Or just rest!)
The goal is not to keep her from fussing and crying. The goal is to get her used to having a daddy. Don't forget the goal.
Good luck!
Dawn
Common and will (eventually) pass. :)
My DD (my 1st) was exactly the same.
My DS was not.
They were both nursing addicts.
My DD grew out of it near her 1st birthday. I know-that is a long time away-but now they are inseparable. And mom is just the maid.
Some babies just really, REALLY like mom. :)
Unless there is a real need, I wouldn't push the bottle issue.
It is just causing them both stress.
My DH feels no less like a dad despite the fact he rarely fed our kids as infants.
If there is a need could you get a third person involved? My mom took care of my DD and taught her to drink from a bottle. She had no choice.
I hope this helps! It's normal and will get better. Keep reassuring DH it is not personal.
