I don't really know where to start. There is a ton of history behind what happened last night. Last night my ex was on the phone with my 13 yr old daughter and then she handed the phone to me and he said, "I just thought I would let you know we are about to go to court and I am suing you for custody of her." She spent her 2 wk summer visitation with him then spent a week with my sister, and I could tell when we got back home from her time away something was up. I asked her about it and she started crying and said I just miss my Dad and want to spend time with him, and live with him. If you have any experience with this, you know how heart crushing it is to hear your child say that. He is a master at maanipulating and brainwashing. I feel so deceived by my daughter, but not surprized because he has done this about every 6 mths. Each time it is worse, and her reaction is more dramatic. I have tried having her talk to a councelor and she has snowed every one she has talked to. Counceling has not worked, or we haven't found the right one, and I don't know how to find the right one. Plus they are so expensive. How do I make this stop? I heard after a child turns 14 they can pick where they want to live. Is this true? I let our two boys live with their Dad after the divorce and it has been a disastor. It is not in her best interest to live with her Dad. Should I consult with a lawyer now before I am served papers on this? I don't know what to do. Her brothers have made bad grades, Dad let's them stay where ever, when ever they want. My 19 yr old has graduated and can't seem to get his life straightend out from the lack of parenting, and he won't listen to me at all, just his Dad. Dad advises him to mooch off of other people, live with friends instead of trying to get his own place. My 15 yr old made terrible grades last year in school and calls me alot wanting to get away from Dad because he is being mean. Yet they don't want to live with Mom because I have rules. Our parenting is completely different now. Dad let's the kids go and do what they want and I don't. My 15 yr old tells me how he watches for Dad to take his pills (prescription meds) and then he doesn't have to sneak out, he just walks right out the front door to come and go as he wishes. When I try to talk to my ex he just cusses me and tells me I am not his wife any more and takes it as me attacking him instead of trying to co-parent and do what is best for the children. I don't want my daughter to be raised like that, and wish I could take back letting the boys live with their Dad. He is a not a positive role model, but to hear him tell it, he is super Dad and saves the day in every aspect of it. My daughter has talked about how Dad let her drink beer. Yet he tells me he has enough stuff on me to take her away from me. Like I said there is too much history to lay it all out in this request, I just need to know what I need to do to make him quit upsetting things any more than they all ready are. What should I do? Letting her go is not an option at all. He tries to do what ever he can to turn my kids against me, and hurt me even though he is reamarried and has a 7mth old baby with his new wife. This has been messy for the entire three years we have been apart and it seems to get worse than better. Please give me any advise you have. If you have been through something like this and what works and what does not.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have responded. I went to see an attorney. She sent my ex a letter of formal request. In short it was a nasty lawyer letter to say modify your behavior or you will be sued in contempt of previous court orders. Since he has received the "love letter" he will not even look me in the eye let alone talk to me. Silence is golden! My lawyer said he can put up or shut up. If he wants to go to court we will and if we have to go to court we will ask the judge to allow him 30 days in jail to sit and think about how his behavior is negatively affecting the children. It was really nice to know he understands this Mom is not going to be bullied without a fight any more. I was thankful to hear your stories and feel like someone really knows what it is like and can relate to what he is doing. The manipulation, the brainwashing, and empty promises to the kids, and the kids eating it all up. I called his bluff and it has really made him mad, but at least now he isn't lashing out to me and upsetting the kids by the custody threats. My daughter has not said one word about living with her Dad. Thanks again!
Get a lawyer, and do it yesterday. If you can't afford one, go to Legal Aid.
Document EVERYTHING you possibly can - school records from before and after the boys moved out, police records, if any, record phone calls if you can.
I would reccomend talking to an attorney. Be very honest with the attorney about everything in your past and his. I don't know all the perental right laws, but if things are in your past and you have made a true effort to change the deamons then it shouldn't hurt you. The biggest thing is to get an attorney and be honest with them.
I will pray for you and your family, I just asked God to help you,watch over you. Get you a lawyer and be ready for what he tries to do it could get ugly but fight for your daughter and sons, it is never to late. God can heal all wounds. If you have a church family get them to pray. Talk to your pastor and trust God to work everything out.It will take work but will be worth it in the end. If you do not go to church you need to and take you daughter with you. Let you children know that a parent that sets rules is one the really cares and loves them, and wants the best for them. God bless you and help you always! B. A.
All I can say is Wow! I would talk to someone very soon if you haven't already. I will keep your family in prayer.
God Bless Your family.
T.
Hi M.,
First, let me preface this by saying this:
1) I'm the product of a very nasty divorce that sounds very similar to what you're describing.
As I read through your post, memories about the custody battles that my parents waged resurfaced, and that alone is painful. Having been the child in the situation, I would advise you to be VERY careful not to say degrading things about your husband in front of your children. Your daughter is most likely not being deceitful. She probably feels alot like the rope in a vicious game of tug-of-war, already. I do understand your concerns about the situation, but regardless of how you feel about your ex and his parenting abilities, HE's her FATHER...she can't help but love and feel some loyalty to him. In addition, she likely feels the same way about you. This is not a competition. You're daughter is not rejecting you. I imagine that she just needs that paternal bond, especially during adolescence when she's trying to figure out how relationships are supposed to work.
I'm really not trying to be cruel, but from the sounds of your post, you're both putting her (and likely your other children) in the middle of your war, granted this is probably unintentional.
In terms of counseling...It takes TIME. Alot of time. Especially with an adolescent girl who is dealing with a complicated divorce. She probably doesn't know what's expected of her from day to day, if your rules and your husbands rules are virtual opposites. I would suggest that both you and she (and dad, if he'll do it) go to counseling. You can find programs that will teach you to co-parent, regardless of what your husband does. Your daughter is going through hormonal changes, physical changes, and situational changes. That's alot...Stop engaging in his battle and eventually, the battle will end.
I've seen alot of get a lawyer involved advice, which may be needed...but I'd recommend you avoid the courtroom at all costs...try a mediation first, something to keep the ugly battle from getting uglier, for your kids sake.
Get a lawyer now! These are your kids you are talking about.
I sense a lot of anger. I suggest counseling for all. Let the court system can decide what is best. Soon the children will find out how tough it can be. Documentation is the key to success. Speak to your lawyer.
I'll pray for you.
Yes get legal counsel asap. Try the Ywca downtown, they have free or inexspensive legal counsel for women. Also tape record conversations with him where he cusses you out and when your kids say things like he lets me come and go as I please or drink beer. Whether it is admissable in court or not, you can let legal counsel hear it and maybe use it to intimidate him to back off if he knew you had this recorded. I would even secretly ask some of his neighbors or acquantances if they have witnessed the kids out late unsupervised, drinking beer, etc.. Because later if you are in court they can be subpoened into the court room and forced to tell what they told you.
One last thing, get your custody papers out and read them word for word. If there is anything he is not complying with, even the smallest thing you can hold him in contempt of court. My papers say that my ex has to pay for medical and dental which includes counseling. So if he starts getting a hefty counseling bill for your daughter he may back off. MOST OF ALL HE WANTS CONTROL AND TO FEEL LIKE HE CAN STILL CONTROL YOU, EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT ON THE INSIDE FIGHT BACK HARD AND MAKE HIM BELEIVE YOU ARE NOT SCARED OF HIM!!!!!!
I went through something similar about twenty years ago. You are correct in not letting your ex take your daughter. I almost let my ex take my son. Now that I look back on it, it would have been a disaster. Tell your daughter how much you love her, how much you need her and want her to be with you. Tell her you will fight for her becaue you love her and you wish you had fought for the boys now. Don't make it easy emotionally for her to go with her dad. I know that sounds horrible and manipulative. However, from what you say your ex is very unfit and just wants to have his daughter without being a parent. Beside that IS how you feel. Yes, the children are consulted at that age but not always listened to. If your daughter is doing well at your home academically etc it is in your benefit. If you do get to keep her she will probably be angry but maybe secretly relieved like my son was. He had a lot of bad feeling for me that he expressed but not his dad. However, the good part of the story is that we are close. Some of it had to do with being a rebellious teen. Try to plan things for you to do together that she likes to do. Tell her a lot how much you love her. By the time I was ready to do things with my son (Ihad two jobs) he was not wanting to do things with me. Your daughter loves you as most children love their parents. Just hang on to her. Just to let you know I am now 57, I married again at 45 and I have three adopted children 5,6, and 7. I need to go love up on my daughter after reading this. God bless you and I will pray for you.
I have been through years of custody battles. I feel for you. The best advice I can give is to:
1. Keep your eyes on Jesus. He loves all of you.
2. Do NOT allow your daughter to live with him. In court, it is much harder to get a child back in your custody than to keep the child in your custody. I know by experience. It took me 5 years to get my daughter back.
3. Judges make judgements based on evidence not 'he said, she said'. Record all conversations with your ex. Keep a daily planner and record everything that has to do with your kids and ex. Call an attorney and ask him/her what evidence is acceptable in this state.
4. If you do obtain an attorney. Check around first. Get the best attorney you can get. You will pay a lot of money to an attorney either way. You may as well win the case.
5. Follow your attorney's advise.
6. Don't let yourself get too stressed and angry. Do your best and let God do the rest. He's truly the only one you can count on and He is perfect and faithful.
I will be praying for all of you.
I agree with Cheryl, you should record everything! You have to have proof in court...You should gather tardy and absense records for the child that lives with your husband as well as grades too...Make sure you are e-mailing teachers and keeping up with that childs progress and show that you are an involved parent. Also have your daughter keep an diary when she comes to you complaining about her dad tell her to go write in her journal...it may be able to be usedin court later...do not read what she writes and if you do don't admit that you have....
Your call on consulting a lawyer before you have been served any real papers, but there are books you can buy read and be prepared for what may happen...also like Cheryl said don't show weakness and let him know you are prepared for battle and will not back down to his demands no matter how badly he talks about you or tells you what horrible things he will bring up in court, courts know there are no perfect parents so more than likely it is all smoke he will bring and with prayer you will prevail!
I would go and get a lawyer for 2 kids to proctored your daughter and to see if you could force your 15 to come live with you. You have seen the hurt your ex have done to the boys. I would not wait for that to happen with her. I would not wait until it is to late. Even if he is just talking to get your goat you can not take the choice with her. She may hate you now if you do this but she will love you for it in the end.
get any type of proof you can. i mean anything record conversations, take pictures, just anything you can think of. make sure you get a good attorney. i say all of this because i work for a few attorneys. we dont do divorces on a regular basis but we do them for time to time and no matter what none of them are pretty.
I feel for you so deeply. My situation was similar. Married nine yrs, 3 children and 9 years divorced. All nine years were spent in court. He wanted to take the kids away. He was abusive and an alcoholic. The ex will spend alot of energy on being cruel. Only he can decide when he will stop being ugly. Stay strong and true to yourself. I tried not to ever let him see his tactics worked. If you can find an aggressive attorney to fight for you, that will help. Seek the attorney based on recommendations. It will make all the difference in the world. It is terribly expensive (between atty and counseling), and your guy will count on that to be in his favor. It may not be your style (as it wasn't mine) but as much as you can document, do it; dates, a calendar, what happened, what medicine he is on. Trust me when I tell you, all he has to do is make an accusation whether it is true or not or twisted truth then the judge will have to hear it and rule on it. I learned fast to keep any social life I tried to have, away from my kids. Their dad would drill them when they got there. There could be nothing to take back to him to use against me, because he would and did and he would twist it. I have 2 1/2 volumes at the courthouse of rulings, and rules I am suppose to follow and have been held in contempt many times based on interpretation or truthfully not agreeing with it. You can request in court, that he not bash you in front of the kids, (alienation of affection). (It will work both ways, only becomes he said/she said anyway.)
Talk to your kids they sound old enough, never give up on them, be the rock of Gibraltar. Don't tear him down like he does you with the kids. State as matter of fact as you can the issues, and why you have your position/choices based on sound logical thinking. Pray a lot, and show them all the love you can. Yes, at 14 they can choose. Fortunately for me, my kids started seeing the light and he saw they wouldn't choose him, so we never did that court battle. I started with sole custody and supervised visation, and ended up with joint me domiciliary and him having them all most half the time. They would come back attacking me verbally, based on the garbage he was spewing. He always wanted them to choose. I always told them they did not have to choose, they could have both and love both of us. He has only stopped attacking me as of late, after he took everthing financially from me that he could, it no longer benefits him to go to court now. Guess what, I am the most wonderful mother now according to him after 9 years of being trash. Ain't that a hoot. Be smart and keep a cool head. I thought that divorce would spare the kids all the drama, I was mistaken. But it has given them one sane stable house to be in, and they prefer it, even though I struggle financially. Keep the faith, and give your worries to God. Do what you can and what makes sense to you. Never give up, you are stronger than you know.
Consult an attorney immediately and find out exactly what your rights are.
I went through this with my daughter but when I told her Dad to be prepared for a court battle he backed off.
