Ex-husband, Ughhh

I'm going to assume here that he's a decent father. And what I'm going to suggest is probably going to ruffle a few feathers among the divorced mothers here. But I'm going to suggest it anyway, because I got to a point in my marriage where we almost divorced and I was unwilling to spend all of our time fighting over the kids. So I told my husband that he would get full custody if we divorced. He's a great dad and made more than me. I was also willing to give up the house so as not to disrupt their lives any more.

Your ex makes the most money. Offer to give him custody of the kids. It might be the best thing for them. Not that being away from you would be good, but it certainly might shut him up if you offered to let him have them full time. Again, I only suggest this if you believe he is a good father. How he treats you is irrelevant, and offering this would either get him off your back or give him the power he is so desperately trying to acquire, but with all of the responsibility that he has been avoiding up to this point.

As parents, we are suppose to be doing the best for our kids. But much of the time I see mothers fighting so hard for full custody, when either parent would do just fine. We have to let go of this "mom gets first dibs on the kids in a divorce" mentality in this country and actually look out for the best interests of the children.

ok...ready for scathing hateful messages in my inbox in 1...2...3...

You are both going to have to grow up and put your daughter's interest first. You are working against each other out of spite for each other. And you need to find a new psychologist to be providing therapy to your daughter. If he wants to use his insurance, fine -- find one of the providers on his plan that you like and begin to see him/her. Find someone that will offer neutrality to both parents. Since you don't like the therapist (and they are pitting parents against each other or they are not telling you what you want to hear) you stopped the counseling sessions. That doesn't sound like the best thing for your daughter. Since you feel that he has the upper hand with legal resources, then you must find a way to get some legal representation. Ask the new therapist if he/she would recommend co-parenting classes. Petition the court to order co-parenting classes (then his wife can't object or complain) Document her dental visits and when she was supposed to be back for a check up. He may try to show that you are not taking care of her medical and dental issues and trying to build a case for custody.

His new wife says he's "not allowed" to go to a co-parenting course with you?

Bull. If a court orders it, he has to go and she has no control over it.

I would wonder if she ever actually said he can't go or if he just claims that as yet another way to avoid doing anything you remotely want him to do for your child.

As the previous poster said -- please, please get an attorney. I know you can't find a pro bono one in your area (you would have to be pretty much utterly destitute, or in a seriously abusive situation, to get pro bono, or totally free, legal services) but have you checked to see if there are any family law attorneys who have sliding scale fees or payment plans? Maybe when you say "low income" attorneys you mean ones with lower rates, but have you used the term "sliding scale" with them? If they don't offer that, ask if they can work out a payment plan with you so that you are not hit by single large bills but can pay off over a longer time.

Look up your local "women's center" or shelters and contact them. These organizations deal all the time with women who are needing legal help but don't have huge resources. Don't just call attorneys-- reach out to these organizations too.

An attorney would have been able to fight that issue where they lied about contacting you regarding a court date. An attorney could help you go to court to get an order for mediation and/or other interventions such as a parenting course. You and your husband really do sound as if a third party like a court-appointed mediator is greatly needed here, since you have children with medical issues and must get on the same page or fight until your kids are adults. An attorney can tell you what you can or can't get a court to order your ex to do.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does sound terrible.

The only thing I can say is that your daughter will be well served going to a psychologist. A psychologist can do a complete evaluation and really let you know what's going on and what you're dealing with. A psychologist is just as qualified as a psychiatrist.

If it's more an issue of location, I get that. You could call her therapist and see if there is anyone at a more convenient location.

I wonder if Happy Momma doesn't have a good point here. It sounds like he's trying to upset you. Don't let him. Be as accommodating as you can, and try to make sure he thinks he's not getting to you. If something really matters, try to find a way to talk to him about it that makes what you want not just be what you want but also what he wants . (Does that even make sense? Because it makes sense in my head but not necessarily as I type.) I know I'm encouraging you to be manipulative, but what I'm really trying to say is right now he has the upper hand because he knows how to upset you and that's how he gets his jollies. If he can't upset you he might grow up a little, stop making choices based on which one will upset you the most and actually focus on what's best for your daughter. He might not, but it's worth a try.

I am sorry if my answer feels too harsh but I think it needs to be said. You make no mention of the impact of all this craziness on your daughter. Her thoughts and feelings aren't even a footnote in your post. This seems so meaningful. I think you are getting overly lost in your personal feelings about her dad. Your daughter sounds like she is growing up in the middle of a battlefield. Please find a way to get her into ongoing therapy. Sounds like she could use a safe place to talk through her experience of living in this ongoing tension. I will take your word for it that your ex is an arse. All the more reason to get her connected with a caring professional she can see weekly and build trust in. She needs both you guys to agree to a psychologist and have both your blessings to meet with this person. My head hurt reading your post. I can't imagine what this commotion must be like for her. If he is doing stuff out of spite, pick only the battles that are essential, only the things that impact your daughter's wellbeing. Let all of the other BS slide. There are really no winners in these kinds of conflicts. Everyone loses especially the kids. I also agree with the idea to get an attorney just to know your options. With that said I would stress the importance of trying to avoid power struggles any way you can. Fight for the big stuff (best interest of daughter stuff) and spend the other energy you have building the life you want away from these toxic patterns. Blessings

You're both fighting to be right.

Where does your daughter fit into this?

It's awful when parents refuse to work together to co-parent. Seriously it's not about you. Or him. It's about your child.

Did it occur to you that she can see a psychologist with her dad and you can still take her to a psychiatrist? It IS hard to find a good psychiatrist - they are medical doctors and are expensive. My daughter has a mental health diagnosis and we tried 3 psychiatrists one was jsut as bad as another - all trying to push meds and get her out the door. But we finally got a recommendation from her social worker's boss to a new pscyhiatrist and he has been a God-send. He had us complete a lengthy questionnaire while he talked with her, and then had her complete her own lengthy questionnaire while he talked to us. (she was 14 so fully able to do so) He called me a few days later and had us come in and gave us recommendations for a treatment plan and her diagnosis. She's been improving wonderfully since then and in fact, is going away to college soon - and had been suicidal only a few years ago. Yes - he did prescribe medication - but took time to do it right and change it when it was appropriate. Her brain chemistry is such that she needs medication. There is no shame in that.

I suggest you allow your husband to take her to a psychologist. Try to go the same day so you can meet her as well. If he's paying for it why not. Ask the psychiologist for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. They are not mutually exclusive. If your child needs medication she will still probably need to speak with a talk counselor.

Why not take her to the psychiatrist you took your younger child to? Or call his office and get referrals from him?

Take a deep breath, stand back and instead of seeing your ex as a villian allow yourself to consider that even though he wasn't a great husband for you, he may be a good father. He may not - but having her with good counselors can only help - she needs an outlet with parents who can't get along. In consderation of your child, this is not the time to allow your pride to do the thinking. Humble yourself - even if your ex won't. let him be the buffoon. You can be the rational one - but only if you give up your pride. After all - you want what's best for your child right?

Then consider counseling for yourself. it's tough to deal with everything you're dealing with - without an independent someone to listen to you and help you process it all.

I went through lots of things like that and I am sure many other divorced people do, too. I learned of course after the fact that some fights aren't worth fighting. I do not know what your childs special needs are, but since you are so far away I suggest that if you feel strongly that the child needs therapy, then most schools have counselors and request your child to see that person and that indeed is usually free. Exhusband can think he is getting away with things by you giving into him on a lot of things. Yes, I encourage it, because if he thinks he is hurting you he is getting great pleasure out of it. But if you smile knowingly and go oh sure take 'muffy' (sorry don't know your daughter's name) to Counselor Zoey or one of his friends, I won't be able to join you...have fun.
I had shared custody with my ex-husband. That turned out meaning he could do whatever he felt like whenever he felt like it because he wasn't going to comply with the court anyway. I had fought and fought to have full custody. The thing is they are boys, actually now grown men and despite all I did to take care of them, and it was double duty in most cases, they still have him on a pedestal. I highly encourage you to figure out where you feel good. If it means yes, you let him bully you and you are okay with that then do so. He clearly is being pushy,manipulative and outright mean. So I say for your health and well being is surprise him. Yes, surprise him. Is all this worth the fight? The difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist is that one can dispense meds-pretty much that's all. And while co-parenting is a wonderful concept it isn't going to work in your case once I discovered he has a wife who seems to be in on most of these shenagans. Best option for you right now is put yourself number one and sometimes that doesn't mean having a drag out fight it means 'sure honey' and you go off to the spa...Good luck. He's definitely an ogre.

I agree that you should take care of your daughter when you have her, and he when he does. Be firm, calm, and clear with him and let him know that this is the way things are going to be handled moving forward. Record it if you can. When he sends random snarky, bullying, and manipulative messages-respond in the same manner described above. Print out messages or record them. Save everything. If you have proof that they didn't tell you about the court date then find it.
This is advice recieved from a police officer that came to our house due to excessive harassment from a non physical custody parent.
I also would seek a new psychologist.

I'm sorry, but you must find a way to get an attorney. The bottom line is that you can't, on your own, advocate for yourself with your husband when he has an attorney on retainer.

As for the rest, it doesn't quite make sense to me. According to a previous post, your child was already diagnosed as autism spectrum by a psychiatrist. So, she's already had testing, but you want testing again? And in some ways, I agree with the psychologist. Some friends I know with mental illnesses see a psychiatrist once or twice a year to check on prescriptions, but go to psychologists routinely for therapeutic treatment that doesn't involve meds. And my parent friends with kids on the spectrum don't see psychiatrists at all, they have therapy coordinated by psychologists. So, while I want to be supportive because I know you are feeling pushed around, have you considered that it's possible that your husband might have a legitimate point?

The other thing I'd suggest if you really want to make this better is counseling for you and your husband on co-parenting after divorce. But it seems to me like the main issue is that neither of you want to listen to the other.

ETA: Thanks for the clarification on the kids. It can get confusing on here, trying to make sense of things. I still think your child might be ok with a new psychologist, and a good one will do tests and lay out a treatment plan that he/she can explain to you. Even if there is not a diagnosis, you, your husband, and the psychologist should have a set of goals that you are working toward with your child. Since you don't like the current one, go to a new one. Based on the testing the psychologist does, the psychologist may even be able to recommend a psychiatrist once you have a diagnosis. This seems like a reasonable compromise (you don't like the current psychologist, he doesn't like the idea of a psychiatrist, so go to a new psychologist).

Good luck.

Judge should pan the new wife's comment about "intimate" when used in reference to the child - plus, she KNEW what she was getting into - double fault on her...

Check with the sheriff/court about delivery of court notices - or did they skip that part?

Please stop fighting it is not a bad thing for him to set doctor's appointments as long as they are with her regular doctors. Teach your daughter how to speak up at doctor's offices especially the dentist where xrays are involved.

It is critical that you do a few things:
1. Get an attorney. Save for it and get a stellar attorney. You should NEVER show up to court without one, especially since your ex has one. I've had the experience of bias in the courtroom because I didn't have an attorney. I'm not saying that's the case in your experience but if it can happen to me, I know I'm not alone.
2. Get your own doctors for your daughter's emotional and mental health. They will serve you well and present your best case for her best interests. So if that means getting a new psychologist do it and if that doctor recommends getting her a psychiatrist.then you do that. Again since this doctor is retained by you, this doctor's expertise could be used by you and your attorney in a courtroom situation.
3. Co-parenting classes, take them yourself even if he won't. It will give you some valuable insight into the things you need to do in the best interest of your child.

The court will always seek what is in the child's best interest. It will not consider your feelings but just the facts and only the facts when your child gets older the court may consider your child's feelings and thoughts. Which is why you need an attorney to take some of the edge off. From your post you sound like a momma bear protecting her young from some imaginery boogie man. This is not a good thing. The dad seems to care but each of you is trying to control the other, so stop it and always consider what is in the best interest of the child.

Use your insurance to your advantage and get your kid the help she may need. Divorce is hard on kids especially when they are being pulled between the two parents. Her dad certainly can take her to doctor's and so can you but make certain there is actually something wrong with her otherwise it could have a negative impact on her self esteem.

Sorry, but I don't think any thing is going to change until you get some legal assistance in your corner.

He is holding the power period.

Your way of working it out with him is not working.

I say follow talkstotrees suggestion or as Leigh R. suggested to find an attorney that would work for sliding fee. Can you borrow money from family?

Or contact your state bar association for a family law attorney who works for discount fees.

Best of luck to you

I find it hard to believe that in California there aren't a ton of attorneys that could do pro bono work especially with regards to a special needs child. Google special needs attorneys and you'll have places to call. (I was in your situation). Anyway, if you want a good evaluation then don't go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. One single person is not going to give you the best evaluation and there is always a risk of bias. You need a team approach. My DS has had 5 diagnostics (evaluations) and Im pretty good at this whole thing now. Read my answer to Gee R. who posted the question Sensory Processing in San Diego. Also, playing a child with special needs against you is so morally wrong, I can't believe your ex-husband is doing this. You need a qualified therapist that will advise him that this will only hurt your child. Unfortunately special needs kids are so impressionable, if not stopped now he may get away with that too. Keep a log of things your child says with regard to this stuff and you can take that to court.

Can't read all this until I stop and say this.

A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who took extra classes in mental health. Their job is to write prescriptions that a psychologist has evaluated a child/adult for. They don't see patients for counseling or testing.

That's that. Your suggestion isn't doable.

Psychologist that are trained in diagnosis is what you want. They are specifically trained to do complete evaluations. They are certified and your insurance will be able to let you know which ones in your area are appropriate for testing and evaluations.

That said. Your psychologist sounds completely wrong for your family. I would worry that they are on dad's side more and if you do go to court dad can call that psychologist to testify against you. Sounds like a possibility.

Go through your insurance and make an appointment with whomever you want. This way you can take her to who you want. It's not his job to say who you can go to. Go for "yourself" then have her tag along and then she sees the new person as a side effect.