A little history....My husband and I are separated, I am filling for divorce next week. We have 3 kids, 6,5 and 9 weeks. When i was 25 weeks prego he told me he wanted a divorce. I moved from PA back to MI to live with my parents. He has been dating the same woman since I left and has only seen our kids twice since I left in March and he has yet to see our baby. I dont receive any child support yet, but I have a court order in the works for that.
His is a liar and doesnt like to answer my texts or calls and I never call or text unless its something to do with the kids or to ask if I left something at our house in PA that I need. He calls our girls at the most once a week and always late at night, usually around 9. Well I should say he texts me that late to ask what they are doing, most of the time they are in bed by then. They arnt always asleep but when they talk to him they get all wound up while on the phone then spend the next hour crying and asking me why we arnt together anymore. I have told him numerous times to call earlier in the day and no later than 8 now and no later than 7 when school starts up. I have told him why I want him to call earlier and he still doesnt! He doesnt work and right now neither do I so we are both home all day, he has no legit reason to call so late. The girls for the most part dont ask to call him and when they do I always tell them Daddy will call when he can and I text him to tell him they are asking for him. I used to let them call him but he wont answer, even if he knows its them(I text him and tell him they are calling) and it really really upsets them. Even when I tell him they are asking for him he doesnt call. I dont know what to do anymore. I want to do whats right for my girls but I just dont know what that is anymore! I told him the other day that I was tired of his games and I wasnt going to respond to his texts or calls anymore and he texted me back and said that was BS and that was the last time I heard from him. I feel like he reaches out to the kids when he knows he cant talk to them so he can tell his family I wont let him talk to them! I used to be really close to his family but I found out through his cousin that I am still close to that he has been lying to them! His car got repoed and he told everyone I took it! He has lied about alot of other things to, to the point that only his cousin comes and sees the kids, that breaks my heart but thats another post! So my question is do I let him talk to the kids that late at night? I grew up with my dad in and out and it was tough. I told him he needed to be in or out and he cant do this half in and half out stuff! He has no reason to stay in PA except for his girlfriend, no job, no house, drug dealer friends, all his family is here and so are his kids! He makes no attempt to come and see them and hasnt even asked me for a new pic of our son who just turned 9 weeks and has never met his father. I feel like my kids would be better off without him, until he is ready to be a full time dad again. Am I wrong, is any dad better than no dad? I just remember all the things I felt and thought with my own dad and I dont want them to feel like that too.
Sorry this was long and maybe confusing! Thanks ladies for your help, I usually always get good advice!
edit......the cousin will stick up for me but it causes a fight, I had a birthday party for my 5 yr old last week and invited all his family, most didnt come and gave me lame excuses! My MIL thinks her son can do no wrong and paid for him and his new girlfriend to come visit her in SC where she lives, and took them to Myrtle Beach, thats where we spent our 5 yr wedding anniversary! He used to be a really good husband and father. He has always liked having a social life and done a little drugs but it has overtaken everything, although he tells me now he is clean and doesnt party like that anymore, but like I said he is a liar.
Having a sh*tty dad is NOT better than none at all.
You've gotten great responses here so I will just say this...
Ex's- You can't live with em & you can't legally shoot em unless in self defense.
-From a fellow Michigander- Good luck mama.
Hi S.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the same situation with my older two and their dad and it would make me so mad for them. I can't count the number of times they fell asleep with their coats on waiting for him. Didn't he see who they were and what a precious gift their unconditional love was? He had the opportunity to be a hero and all he had to do, literally, was SHOW UP. I was so enraged and, yeah, a part of me wanted to just make him disappear from their lives.
I didn't do that because I knew no matter how I handled it, the day would come when they would have to make their own decisions about their dad and their would be an accounting of who did and didn't do the right thing. I never wanted him to be able to legitimately say, "I would have seen you more but your mom....(fill in the stupid excuse here)." I knew he would probably say it anyway, but I wanted my kids to be able to look at it and see it for the lie that it was.
So, I couldn't control him and I couldn't make him available to them (only he could do that), but I could make them available to him. I invited him to every birthday party, parent teacher meeting, school play and science fair. I invited him to their church functions and holiday functions. I made sure they talked to him on Father's Day and his birthday. I didn't tell them, but I made sure he knew where he could be and what he could do to see them. I did not bad mouth him and I did tell them that they were loved.
When I remarried they finally got (at 6 and 8 years old) their dad, and what a dad he's been. Ironically THAT'S when their bio. dad started stepping up - when he realized that someone else was there and willing to be the dad he wouldn't be.
They are now 19 and almost 17 years old and their bio. dad has tried to tell them the, "I would have..." stories, but they know. Because they know who was their and who wasn't, they know who's to blame - not me and MOST IMPORTANTLY not themselves.
You cannot control this irresponsible man, but you can make reasonable boundaries and let him know every time they are available to him. You can fill their lives with a million people who will support and love them and be guides throughout their lives because I believe THOSE are the people God gives us to fill in the gaps when those we count on fall through.
Hope this helps,
L.
You can't make him do what is right......and he won't. I went through this with my husbands X wife.....she only called before an event or something to make herself look good.......she did most of the things you say he is doing.........so, we made rules...... no calls after a certain time. PERIOD.....I would tell the kids that Daddy is doing his own thing right now, and he's busy.........I told the kids that their Mommy loved them, but was told by a councilor NOT to say that.....that they knew she was all about her and for me to tell them otherwise made me look bad......so I stopped.....I found the less I defended her, and the less she saw them, the better they were.......if she ask, and it was reasonable, then we would let her see them, if not, the answer was no............I know people think, having a mom or dad part of the time is better than none, but that is not true......the bad manners, habits and attitudes that come from those off and on parents are burnt into a kids head and they think it's ok..........why? Because they don't see that parent much, and so they are the "great" parent......understand?
You need to get the cousin to talk to the other family members.......let them know that are more than welcome to come see the kids, etc........let the cousin show that you don't and never have had the car....that it was repo'd and then just go about what you need to do to raise your kids and live.
You can't let him run your or the kids life. Don't make excuses for him with the kids either........just tell them you don't know.....which is mostly true......Once you take control of your life and the kids, things will be better.....and you need to tell your attorney about the lies he has told and that you want this kind of talked stopped......he probably can't do much about it, but he can show what kind of person/father/man he is............
Hang in there, if you need to talk, feel free to message me......Good Luck.
.
Practice this phrase:
"Of COURSE I don't let him talk to them when he calls after bedtime."
I believe you are doing the right thing (my ex used to show up after mid-night to "see our son" when he was just 2 1/2...he was really checking up on me!). I like Riley J's response. When he calls after 8 PM, tell him "I'm sorry but the kids are getting into bed now. I will have them call you back tomorrow. What time works for you?" and then call at that time. Unfortunately, you can't make him be a good dad but you can prevent him for making things any more difficult on the kids. You also can't prevent him from lying but you can control how you react. When something like the car issue is said, you can simply say "I am not the repo man/bank...whoever repoed it" and not discuss it. Good luck!
I really feel bad for you & your kids. Don't let the kids talk to him so late. Have them call him at 7 to say Hi daddy, we miss you, & that's it. You obviously cannot control your ex but you don't have to let him disrupt your or your childrens life ANYMORE. Best wishes
No, don't let him talk to them late at night. Your concern is for your daughters, it only upsets them and they need their sleep. If he really wants to talk to them you've given him reasonable rules to follow. I'm sorry this guy is such a jerk, but when a person is on drugs that's what happens. When your children ask why daddy's not there, or why daddy doesn't call tell them the truth. Daddy is on drugs and that makes him not a very good daddy. I'm sorry that you have a bad daddy. I love you, and God loves you. God is a very Good daddy who will always answer when you call him, and will always be there for you no matter what.
Its best for your kids to be able to move on with their lives. Don't try to keep contact with his family that doesn't want contact. Let them go. Don't try to establish a relationship between your son and your ex, its best for him that he doesn't know his drug addicted father.
I pray that someday your ex will get off the drugs and decide to become a good father. That would be a good thing for you to pray too, but until then protect your kids. :-)
I would say yes, a dad of some kind is better than no dad at all. Right now even if he's only an occasional dad that's better than nothing. Plus, if he is able to finally do the right thing then that will be all the better for your children.
I haven't seen my father since I was 10 years old and have only spoken to him about five times in the last 20 years.
Good luck!
I suggest that you give your ex boundaries where it concerns talking with the kids. Even 7 is too late to talk with kids as young as yours. They need time to separate emotionally from the upset of the phone call. Since he's not working, he can call during the day if that works for you.
I also suggest that you only let him talk with them once a week and that you specify which day it will be. It's like a parenting plan He has a responsibility to make this as easy as possible on his children. They need to know what to expect. If he doesn't follow the plan at least they'll know there is a plan. It's better to be upset one day because he didn't call then be anxious everyday waiting for a call. It sounds to me that he's complicating the issue for his children.
I think that you can arrange specific requirements for phone calls, thru attorneys just as you arrange the other aspects of responsibility for children such as parenting time and child support. The times can be included in the divorce decree.
You may have to prove that the calls are not healthy for the girls. Document the dates and times that he calls, how long they talk, their emotional state before and after the calls. I suggest that you record the calls. Some phones with built in message machines will record by just a touch of a button. You can also buy an inexpensive device at Radio Shack. He doesn't have to know that the calls are being recorded and neither do your girls. Or listen in on the calls. It is important for you to know what he's saying and how he's saying it so that you can effectively deal with the fallout from the calls.
You are not responsible for getting him to be a good father so I'd stop with the e-mails. He either calls or he doesn't. If you're letting him know the girls want to talk with him, you're also setting yourself up for failure in their eyes when he doesn't respond.
For you own sanity, I wouldn't text or call him at all. If you've left something behind and you need it, replace it. At some time, you may need to go back, rent a truck perhaps, and move everything. Until then make do with what you have.
By calling and texting you're maintaining a connection with someone who is unworthy of your attention. You know he lies. Don't ask him about anything. And don't try to convince his family that he lies. They won't believe you. Keep your distance from anyone whose presence upsets you. You can mend bridges later if you want to but don't try to fix anything while you're adjusting to a new way of life with your children.
Your children's sense of security and adjustment in a new home without their Dad is your top priority. Don't say anything negative about their Dad but also don't try to make like their welfare is a priority for him either. Accept what he does while enforcing reasonable boundaries. His phone calls as they're happening now are not in their best interest.
You cannot change him but you can change the way you relate to him and react to his lousy behavior. Remind yourself that he's out of your life and work at putting him out of your mind. It will take time. Probably years but day by day it will get just a little tiny bit easier. Live one day at a time. Manage your life with your children. Allow him in when it works for you. And above all don't expect him to be reasonable. You decide what is best for yourself and girls. Run it by your attorney. And then stick with it if or until you find a better way.
That means that you also need to take care of yourself. You and your children need to have that structure so that you can build a stable life without him.
You are at the beginning of a new way of life. It will take time for everyone involved to adjust. Eventually, your ex will settle into a way of relating with the girls and you'll know more about what to expect. And you'll be less sensitive to what he does or doesn't do. In the meantime you build a structure that makes life the easiest possible for you.
Hopefully, once the hurt becomes less his mother will realize that her grandchildren are important and she'll find a way to be kind to you and them. Right now she's upset too. It's normal to side with her son. She may eventually realize that she doesn't have to take sides. Give it time.
The situation is what you let it be. I would talk to your kids. Ask them, when Dad calls and you are already asleep, do you want me to wake you up? Yes its going to be a long night, but now you know how the kids feel.
As for what his family thinks, if they are all in MI, why not call them and reopen the lines of communication that way? Then when he talks to them and says that you won't let him talk to the kids, they can know first hand that that isn't the case.
I am so sorry for your family. It sounds like you are doing things right, but your situation is horrible. I'm wondering what is going on with him. If you have three kids, he must have been OK at some point, right? Did this just crop up?
If I were you, I'd call MIL just to say hi and tell your side of the story. Document everything. You'll need it.
My husband is involved in fatherhood mentorship, and he was telling me that statistically, even drunk abusive fathers are better than no fathers. Those with none statistically fall prey more often to drugs, abusive cycles, early parenthood, etc.
I am sorry. He's really hurting all of you. Talk to his family. Maybe if you tell them that the kids need them, that you want to clear up any misunderstandings, etc, they'll listen to you.
Good luck.
