Exhausted Mom

Hi J.
It sounds like you need to talk to your husband and tell him what you need. I personally would tell him if he is going to go out both friday and saturday nights you expect that he gets up with the baby on saturday or sunday morning and lets you sleep in. If you are wanting to spend family time together I would make sure you mention that maybe you can make sunday family day and then negotiate friday and saturdays on who gets to go out and what dutys you expect he helps with. Unfourtanaly as much as we would like our husbands to see what needs to be done and do it they really just dont have brains that work like that so you nicely have to be blunt in telling him what you really need. Good Luck

It seems to me like perhaps he needs to keep his behind home! I mean, he's a father now. You have to put that party life style behind you. He really needs to do some growing up. I know a lot of people (men and women) consider the weekend "me" time. Sadly, that means that they aren't around their kids. IMO, weekends are for family. Yes, you both still get to do your individual things, but it should be more like one day/night during the weekend, not every night of every weekend. Putting his friends before his wife and his daughter is huge No-no in my eyes.
Why not take the baby outside while he does yardwork? Do you have a pack and play, a swing, an exersaucer or even a bouncy seat if your child will still sit in one? If so, take it outside. You'd be amazed at how much kids LOVE to be outside. Just make sure she has on a hat and sunscreen. Try to put her in the shade as well. He can get some weeding done while he keeps an eye on the baby.
And there's no reason why he can't watch the baby while he's hanging out with his friend (depending on what they're doing of course).
He really needs to make time for you and your daughter. If he doesn't, he's going to wake up one morning and realize that he's missed her whole childhood.

Guys can be clueless. We think they are doing all this on purpose, and they just don't "get" that we need their help. Be very specific with your requests. "I need you to get up one day this weekend with the baby so I can get one more hour of sleep, which day do you choose?". He is helping out at night, so he's not unwilling to help with the baby. Keep talking and keep working at it. And yes, say "thank you" to him for doing small things you would have done without thinking...

We had an issue a bit like this (and we revert to it sometimes) where my husband forgets that as a SAHM I never leave my job, and just because his first job is out of the home doesn't mean he comes home to nothing. We had to work out who took night feedings, wake up calls etc. We had to sit down and work it out. My husband also admitted that it was very hard for him to interact with our son because he didn't know what to do with him. Once our son hit about 6-7 months it was easier for him to play with him and he got into it a lot more.

Here is what we did, just to give you some ideas that might help you.

Night time wake up calls: Since he had to get up and go to a job in the morning we split up the night. Anything bfore 1am he got. So if baby woke up for a diaper change, feeding etc it was all him. Usually though, if he woke and wasn't going back to sleep I would take over at a certain point so DH wouldn't be left without any sleep, usually after an hour or so. Then anything after 1 was all me. The one exception we had was that if we were having trouble or needed help, we asked for it and the other would get up and help. On weekends we would rotate days. So for example, Saturday we would switch our shifts and instead of me getting up with the baby in the morning, he would. Then on Sunday I would get up with the baby. Whoever wasn't getting up got to sleep in as long as they wanted, get up and take a shower etc. That gave my husband time to get to know what caring for DS was like and gave him a GOOD idea of my mornings.

Someone else said to find little things to do where your husband watches your kiddo by himself. I agree with that 100%. He needs to figure things out so he's not hesitant to dive in. My husband also admitted that he was nervous about messing up somehow. It was hard, but I had to stand back and let him figure out his own ways to do things, pick out outfits himself even if they looked goofy etc. If I gave DS a bath, DH would be the one to dry him off and get him dressed.

I think once you find a way to have teamwork involved, you won't feel so stressed. He does need to realize that he NEEDS to be involved, but I think part of it is that he may not feel like there's a need for him in a lot of the more mundane tasks because he can't do them like you. The going out and leaving you at home also needs to stop. Can you go out together? Young babies do surprisingly well in public! Just remember to have toys, food and your diapers handy! Maybe if you can go out together he won't feel the need to make quite so many plans with friends. Weekends are going to have to be more family oriented. It sucks, but for a while personal lives go on hold.

Good luck!

I had this problem too, I ended up leaving my husband- and moving home to get the support I needed, However, then I was in it 100% 11 months a year- I did try going and doing things on my own from time to time- when my husband got home from work- of course, he worked out of town all week and on friday night when he got home- I was out the door- for at least an hour. Unfortunatley you cannot control what or how much others do for you- you can only modify what you do. Good luck

I used to be ready to blow up watching my husband watch tv for hours while I was taking care of the house and the baby and make plans every weekend without asking what I had planned. I don't think fathers experience the lifestyle change that comes with having a baby nearly as much as mothers. Our life changes from the moment we begin to feel different when we are pregnant and then it never ends. Fathers don't go through the experience the way that we do, and I don't know that their child is always first on their mind when they are planning their day like it has to be with us. I guess it must be our natural tendency to be the nurturer.

I was given some advice by a counselor a few years ago. He told me that I should make it a point to find something little to do, even if it was going for a walk, to give my husband the chance to be with our son. That way it wasn't just on the weekends and it would become more of a way of life for him. I talked to my husband and told him that I would really like it if he could try to remember how much I have on my plate (working 2 jobs both while taking care of my son, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bills, etc.) and to please ask me what I had going on instead of just telling me what his plans were. That way it felt like more of a mutual decision. I think it would be great if you made plans too for next weekend and let him find a sitter for the baby if there is someone you trust. We mothers take our babies with us everywhere even when it's not convenient. Maybe he should take her somewhere that isn't very convenient sometime soon. He would gain an appreciation for what it feels like to not be able to have time for yourself. I have read that fathers don't always have as much of a bond with their very young child as a mother. For a lot of fathers, it takes a while to really get to where we are. I think they must feel a little helpless in the baby department, but my husband really started showing more interest when he could communicate with our son. Now he seems more comfortable taking him so I can have a break. Good luck! I think more people experience this than you think.

He hasn't grasped the fact and family and kids are full-time. He's treating you all like it's a job and he needs vacation and he takes it. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him. He wants to spend so much time and energy with his friends tell him to go for it, but fend for himself. You're only one person and need to conserve your energy during this time. Take care of yourself, like he's taking care of himself and others. You can't control what anyone does, you can only control how you react. Cut corners where you can, and consider him a corner. If he still doesn't get it, go see a counselor.

You poor thing. Throw in 2 hours of commuting a day and a teen ager and you have my life!! It doesn't sound like you are able to talk to your husband about this and that is a problem. You just need to sit him down and explain that you are overwhelmed and could you guys just brainstorm some ways that he can help alleviate the burden. He needs to get some balance in his life. It took a long time for my husband to get this but he finally has..Good luck.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. This is all kind of a normal transition until the two of you work out an agreeable arrangement and find a rhythm.

I'm going to say that you being exhausted is kind of normal. Keep trying to get your husband to engage by talking to him. Try not to nag because he will resent it and stay out in the yard as long as possible!

Consider a babysitter and a date night with your husband.....if you kind of "renew" your relationship it will feel more loving and both of you will be more open to more of an agreeable compromise.

Sounds like you both have very different expectations. Your husband expects not to accommodate you or his child and appears to want his life to continue as it was before the birth. And it sounds like you're not happy with that arrangement. You need to have open lines of communication and explain how you feel to him and more importantly your expectations. A couple of suggestions: 1) make a calendar and schedule your weekend time - who gets "off" and for how long (making plans without consulting you is a lack of respect in my book); 2) hire a baby sitter while he is out and go out for 1 or 2 hours (you'll be amazed at how nice it will feel); 3) see a counselor or the like in order to have a third party help you articulate how you feel; 4) on the weekend (if you bottle feed or after breastfeeding) bring the baby to your bed and leave the baby with him while he is "sleeping" - unless he is a sound sleeper, I don't he'll be able to sleep through that (of course you leave the room).

Don't you have any activities that you like to do outside of caring for baby and home? If not, find some now. Then every Sunday, have a calendar session with hubby and plan who gets what evening or day to do their own thing with friends or for relaxation. Then plan which evenings are family time where you both can work around the house and yard.

Another thing that has worked for DH and me is to alternate nights on putting our son to sleep. I take 4 nights, he takes 3 nights. At times our son would try to argue, but we just stuck to our schedule. Good luck.

I think part of the issue is that this really isn't about "childcare" but "partnership." He's very willing to take care of the baby, but after that, he's thinking about himself, and not you. It's not about how evenly things are split, but that you both feel as though you are supporting each other. If I were in your position, I would want my husband to be around more for _me_, not just for the baby. Of course, I don't know how much he went out without you before the baby was born. Think about how you can talk to him about you without making it be about how much he's not doing, but rather how much you love to have him around because that makes you feel good. Good luck.

I know I don't know your situation very well, but this would bother me. More than just 50/50 and time off, it bothers me that you spend no time as a family. Personally, I don't expect to have much if any "time off." I work full time, I take care of the house/cooking, etc. and I care for my kids. I love spending time with them and feel like I have to enjoy every minute while they are little because it goes so fast. Once in a while (maybe once a month or every couple of months) I go out with friends without my husband. Once in a while we get a babysitter and go out as a couple. The rest of the time I care for my family without "time off." However mostly, we do stuff together. My kids are 3 and 1, so when there's work to be done, we all do it. The 3 year old can help a little or he can play while we work. The 1 year old can sit in an exersaucer while we do yard work or play with laundry while I fold it, etc. When the work is done, we go on a walk together or out some place together.

However, I'm not saying that I disagree with you. I would be frustrated if my husband was gone all of the time and didn't help out as well. I expect my husband to help me with housework. We both work full time and the split is not 50/50. I expect that, as the mom, I might have to do more of this but I expect him to help me. He will sometimes do the dishes or fold the laundry, and I think that's great. He does more of the outside work, but I will help him weed the garden, etc. and I think that's great. It shows that we respect each other enough to help each other out. I don't expect to measure it in terms of 50/50, though. It just has to get done and we have to get it done by working together.

Is there a way that you could do the yard work together and then do something fun together? Could you spend time as a three-some instead of "your time with the baby while he has time off" and then "his time with the baby while you have time off?" Otherwise, of course you will be exhausted. You will spend more time being annoyed with his behavior (which I would be annoyed with too) and preoccupied with who's turn it is to do what or to take care of the baby, that you will miss out on time spent as a family. You will also both miss out on enjoying your daughter at each stage of her life.

You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. He is no longer just a husband, he is a father too. He needs to know that while he may want to hang out with friends, his responsibilities lie at home now. I'm sure you would love to have a night out with your friends once in a while, and there is nothing wrong going out once in a while, but when it is a problem when he is going out (or having people over) almost all weekend long.

Tell your husband that while you appreciate his help during the week, the 50/50 parenting continues on the weekend. He needs to hold up his end of the bargain and help you out. Plus, those first few months go by so quickly and are so precious, he doesn't want to look back and realize how much he has missed, he SHOULD want to look back and appreciate all of the wonderful time he got to spend with your daughter. You both brought her into this world, you both need to care for her equally.

i'm so sorry - i think this is pretty typical, but luckily, it sounds like your husband had every intention of making it work. so that's good.

i would advise you to not look for a 50/50 split of childcare, but instead look for a division of work (and time "off") that you can both handle. perceptions of what's "even" will always differ between you two.

finding specific responsibilities that he has to own, like getting up early one morning a weekend, regardless of what he planned the night before, or only leaving the house 1 night a weekend, to help with baby in the evening, is totally reasonable.

you may also need to point out that his generosity to his friends' projects needs to be cut back, so he can be generous and take good care of his family first. my bro-in-law is terrible at this: he helps everyone with their projects and lets his own slip.

and finally, i suppose you don't want to hear this, but he may be signing up for all these outings because he feels he needs them... while they are not OK in my book, you might be best off finding out how he feels about the responsibilities he has. (i just know that right now, preggo with #2, my hubby is doing way more than 50/50, but he is doing it because he knows i need him to, regardless of what's "fair". so when he wants to go play volleyball 2 times a week, i let him have his "me" time that he needs)

also - ask yourself what do YOU need? do you need more away time, "me" time? or do you need more "all together" time? i found with our first baby that i needed more all together time. it wasn't that i didn't want to be with the baby, but i wanted to be able to share the responsibility, and spend time together.

All this galavanting that he is doing, was something he promised to "put away" when he made his vows. He is to love honor and charish you, and that means putting your needs above his freinds...and even himself to be quite frank. The Bible says a "husband should love his wife the way Christ loved the church, and laid down his life for it". Impossible to do unless you have the holy spirit living inside of you, but you get the picture. God expects husbands to lay down their old life, and care for the wife. Because everyone knows, "happy wife - happy life".
Rotate your weekends if you have to. One weekend, you get Saturday OFF. he gets Sunday. The next weekend, he gets Sat off, and you get sunday off. Or agree that every thing done socially with freinds, is done together. Just sit down and make a plan. Find something that you can both agree to. Put it on paper if you have to, so the goal for each of you is clear and no one forgets.

Hire some help if you have to. Maybe there is a teen in the neighborhood who would like to come to your house and watch the baby while you sew or read. or find a relative or seasoned sitter and GO ON A DATE. Get that "together " groove going again.
Purchase the book "If He Only Knew, What No Woman Can Resist" and ask him to read it.
For you to read: 'Sacred Influence, What a Man Needs From His Wife, To Be The Husband She Wants'.

I remember when my first born was 5 months. It was a HARD time for us. Both of us were burnt out, sleep deprived, and just wanted a BREAK. We had a great relationship, but would go to a family gathering and bicker in front of everyone over who would take her when she was crying because she wanted out of the swing! It was pathetic but we both justed wanted to take a breath, and feel a bit of freedom from the constant weight. Parening with the first child is a very hard transition, but it will smooth itself out. Hang in there. It does get easier as they get older. The time between 1-12 months is the hardest time, in my opinion.

Ps.. is there any way for you to go part time until the baby is older?

God Bless,

Gail