Explaining Death - Rochester,MN

I have guardianship of my grandson, my son (his uncle) passed away when he was only 7 months old.. we keep his memory alive. Every night we look for the moon and when we see it, we say "hello" to "uncle andy" and wave and blow kisses. Ethan will be 2 years old this week and is so cute when he does this....it helps ME deal with the loss of my youngest son. (he was 19)

D.
www.athome.com/debbnken

Whatever you do, do not tell him that he is sleeping. When my cousin died one of the other much younger cousins was told that she was sleeping. He had trouble sleeping for months because he was afraid that he would not wake up again.

My oldest daughter was 4 when my father passed away. He had cancer and was given 2 months to live, but passed 3 weeks later. It was not expected at that time. We were watching a movie at my parents house and he went to the bathroom, and when he came back he fell into his chair and died. My daughter was there, and witnessed all of the life saving techinques that my husband and I tried to perform (we are both health care professionals). My father and My daughter were the best of friends. This was very hard on her. We got books about death from the library. We also explained about heaven, God and death before he passed. When he passed, we did take her to the wake. She wanted to go and see papa. She was there for about a half hour. Before we took her there, we told her that papa's body was going to be there, but his smile, laughter, sight, hearing, taste, and mostly his love for all of us was up in heaven with him. That helped her a lot. She will still often ask questions (and it has been almost 3 years), and I answer them to the of my ability, and her understanding. She knows that papa's body is in the ground but all of the things I listed above are in heaven. We also told her that she has a very big job to do, and that is to tell her sisters (who weren't born when papa passed) about papa and all of the fun times that they had together. She really enjoys doing this. We also tell her that papa is smiling at her from heaven and he is very proud of her for everything that she has accomplished. This lets her feel that papa is still an intigral part of her life.
I know that it is very hard for children to deal with death. It is hard for anybody to deal with, and it makes it even more hard because we just don't have the answers. It is the unknown. It is not like them asking what 2+2 is. We all have our beliefs, and it is important for you to instill them into your child. He will appreciate the time that you took with him to do this.
Keep your chin up. I am certain that this is a difficult time for you and your family, but it is important to remember to cherish the good times with your loved one.

J.... I'm so sorry - this is a difficult situation for anyone to understand, let alone little ones.

My son is/was 2 when we had to explain death to him, but he'd asked about it. Long story.

Anyway - I explained to him, very simply, that when you die there are 2 parts to you - your spirit (what makes you you) and your body - your spirit goes "up in the sky" to live with God, and your body is put in a very special box (again, he's 2!) to keep it warm and safe. We explained the cemetery to be a "Remembering Park" where some people like to go to feel close to people who are up in the sky and remember them. He seemed content with that and now frequently talks about people we know who are up in the sky and visiting the remembering park (although we've only been once).

We've never had to take him to a funeral, so we haven't had to explain that yet.

We are a spiritual family, but don't consider ourselves particularly religious - I think there are others who can better help you from that angle. I do hope I've give you some ideas from another perspective although it may be a little simple for your son since he's quite a bit older than mine.

Good luck - I hope it goes better than you're hoping. :)

Dear J.,

What a dear mother you are to want to help your little one understand "death".

I'm a Christian, a pastor's wife and mother of ten children myself...they are now 10 down to 4. Our children lost their Grandfather on my hubby's side 4 years ago and my Dad ten years ago. So we definitely had little ones in the home both times.

I always instruct our children as they grow up that Jesus said in John 3:3, "Except a man be born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." Then they, of course, need to know what it means to be "born again". For which I go through Romans 3:23 (all have sinned), Romans 6:23 (our sin earns us death=eternal separation from God), Romans 5:8 "But God commendeth His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners (wicked), Christ died for us." Romans 10:9,10 and finally Romans 10:13 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (or born again)."

Then the Apostle Paul gives great encouragement to those who've been born again and experienced such spiritual life within them that they've desired to be with and love believers (I John 3:14) and they love to gather with believers and other evidences seen through I John...the evidences don't save them; but show they have spiritual life and have been saved. Just like you should know a veterinarian by the work he does...not by his diploma on the wall. Oh, Paul's promise upon the point of death for those who are born again was II Cor. 5:8 "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."

I'm always so thankful God gives us 70 or 80 years on this earth to come to know Him...He actually draws us to Himself...but so many waste that time in other pursuits.

Hope that Biblically helps to explain eternal things to your son. Let me know how it goes if you don't mind....I just realized you're J. from Rochester...I know you're enjoying that purifier too. Great!

B. in Eau Claire, WI

Not an easy subject at all I'm afraid. My children were 2, 5, 6 & 10 when my late husband died. I've learned that no matter how much or how hard or in what manner you describe or explain death to a child, at any age, they don't think and feel in the same manner that adults do. Of course I tried the natural route... Daddy went to Heaven to be with ***.. etc. But I had to let them deal with it in their own time and their own way. They drew pictures (still do, infact), wrote letters to Daddy (we still do this and then either attach them to a balloon or leave them graveside), cried, screamed, got angry...

There is a book titled "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson that may help ease your child's emotions. It has a non-religious approach and is very comforting to children.

HTH

We have had a lot of death in the past two years since my son was born. I believe that we took him to about 11 funerals so far, including my father's. I know that my son is too young to understand, but I want to teach him that this is a natural process of life and not to be afraid.

As children, we, along with all of our cousins, went to funerals and were very comfortable knowing that people die. Some of my mom friends swear that they NEVER went to a funeral as a child ("they're morbid, creepy, not for children") and obviously they do not let their children attend either.

Your son is 5 and will understand that Grandfather, as well as Great Grandfather went away. Heaven can be a tough subject to understand, but I believe that you are doing the right thing in helping them understand.

Try a local bookstore. They usually have awesome books that can help a little one understand. It can help communicate what you are feeling through the illustrations and words. Quoted scripture is great, but for my son, pictures help the most.

This is always a hard time, saying good bye to loved ones. My sympathies to your family.

D. kosarzycki
____@____.com

We recieved a great little brochure/booklet by Mr Rogers called Talking With Children About Death from the funeral home after my Grandmother passed away.
In this booklet, Mr. Rogers eases fears about how to speak to young children about death. He provides meaningful answers to commonly asked questions and feelings.

*There is also a book for young children that he wrote called When a Pet Dies which is a good one for the loss of a beloved pet.

It is difficult. My daughter was 19 months when I suddenly lost my brother. She has been told from the beginning that her uncle died. She knows that "died" means that he's not coming back and we won't see him again. We tell her he's in Heaven with Jesus, but this confuses her a little because we also tell her Jesus lives in her heart, but she gets it. She understands that him dying makes us sad. She's very matter of fact about it, like when his name is mentioned, she automatically says, "He died. That makes us sad. But it's ok because he's with Jesus" In a way, it's actually made talking about my brother a lot easier over time.
I don't have any suggestions for literature for children, but that's a good thought for something I should look into for the near future to help her understand it a little better.
C.

I haven't had to deal with this with my children yet. My grandma died when he was 8 weeks old, so he didn't know any better.

But I bet if you search the internet or your library for books explaining death to a child you'd get several hits. I can't remember any names off hand, but I do know that I have heard of childrens books that explain death very well in terms they'll understand.

MY SON AND I LOST SOMEONE DEAR TO US TWO YEARS AGO. TODAY HE WILL LOOK AT HIS PICTURE AND SAY "MOMMY I REMEMBER HIM. I MISS HIM." WHEN HE DIED MY SON WAS WITH ME WHEN I FEEL APART AND HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND ASKED WHAT HAPPENED. I TOLD HIM THAT BRYAN HAD DIED. AND I TOLD HIM THAT HE WENT TO HEAVEN TO WATCH OVER US. AND THAT WHEN IT IS OUR TIME HE WILL BE THERE TO MEET US. AND HE SMILES AND LOOKS AT THE HEAVEN. I HOPE THIS HELPS.

Each person we have lost in our lives, since my daughter is now aware of such a loss, we refer to them as becoming a cloud.

They are always there and if we look hard enough we can still see or feel there presence. Sometimes if we look really hard we can see them peak out at us. She is very content with explaination and looks forward to blue sky's with clouds.

my daughter had similar questions when my grandmother passed away, i told her that great-grandma was an angel now and she was sent to heaven to keep us safe and to be with great-grandpa. our puppy died several months later and i told her that great-grandma needed his company more than us so he was an angel with her. it seemed to work.

I am so glad to hear many parents will at least attempt to tell their children bout death and dying. I say this as I was that child of 2 years whose mother died suddenly and unexplainable. I was only told my mother had "gone away". Granted, this was an awful time for my grandparents (mom's parents) and they did the best they could since they were grieving themselves.

For 5 yrs, I thought if I wasn't PERFECT that everyone else would leave me. I ended up finding out the truth bout my mother in the school yard from a very mean little boy. I was crushed beyond words. It took me another 15 yrs to go thru the mourning process because I felt (no one told me this - I put it on myself) I was only able to grieve for 1 day a year. The date of her death.

It doesn't matter how you tell a child but that you DO tell them. Each year they will learn more of the concept of death and with that will come more questions. Think bout what it is you believe happens at the moment of death. Do you believe there is a wonderous place called Heaven? What is this Heaven to you? Do you believe it is a place that is filled with fields and streams to run and fish? Explain that and get more detailed as the questions get more detailed.

Thank you to every parent that allows a child to grieve in their own time and not yours!

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I think you have gotten some good advice and I wanted to add that funeral homes are a good place to get alot of helpful information.When my dad died I was given alot of info about how to talk to my kids and at Proko-Wall they even let you check out books like a library. I'm sure if you called any funeral home they would be able to help. If you have a church (as it sounds like you might) having the pastor talk to your child with you may be comforting also. HTH. H.

Hi J., this is a gray area with young kids. I happened upon the same situation with my daughter when my father passed away. I told her that grandpa's body was broken and that he had to go to heaven to get a new one and as a result he had to live with God for the rest of his life. I told her it was a happy time for grampa since he was going to be with God all the time. I told her to that she can talk to grampa anytime she wanted too all she had to do was to kneel down and pray like she does to God. There were a dozen or more questions, but in redirecting the issue, she was made to understand in a round about way. Good luck!

frist off sorry to hear... well i just went thru this oct 1st my grandma passed away and i also didnt know how to explain to a 9 year old.. i put a blog up here but noone commented so i went and asked a really friendly nurse that was on my grandmas floor.. well i went home and told my daughter that great grandma is really sick and god is gonna take her to heaven and take the pain away.. my grandma ended up in a coma so went very peacefull... so now my daughter says that great grandma is watching me above and now i have to behave..lol.. well good luck and sorry again.. ohh you can also say that hes with whom ever passed away before.. like hes wife ..etcc... that another thing i used.. as my grandpa and my aunt from my grandmas side passed... that helped too cuz then i could use well its time for great grandma to take care of them again.. keep your head up high hugs

Hi J.,
It is great to hear you talk about God ! Too many people these days are "politically correct" and it saddens me.
You said your son is only 5. It is a sweet age and although they ask questions, they really don't need a lot of detail about things. They just want something to grasp on to. Here is my suggestion; The Bible says Christ has gone to prepare a place for us. We will go there someday and see Him and others that have gone on before us. Simply tell your son that Grandpa went to Heaven to help Jesus make our future home and we will meet him there someday.
As a christian you could tell your son, that He can talk to Jesus or God and ask them to say Hi to Grandpa for him, etc. You will all get through it together.
F.