Family Advice..dealing with Holidays

I know how that can feel.

Mothers sometimes forget not to put high demands of any kind on their kids. Sometimes they have to reminded of that fact.

I have 2 things I am wondering about. What would she do if you went to the inlaws and left her to her own devices? And if she expects these lavish gifts from you...what does she buy for ya'll? It usually goes both ways.

In my family we alternate. One year with one family and one year with the other. So the inlaws are on their own every other year and they don't mind at all. It just works out that way. She needs to learn how to deal with things on her own also and not expect too much from her kid--which single moms are very prone to doing. I have seen it over and over.

Just give her a gift card for whatever store she likes most, and REMINDER her that the holidays are supposed to be for family being together and not presents. Whatever issues she has are HERs and just shame her about her $$$ in her eyes. It is for the kids only to get presents! Unless you are totally rich!

I would just wrap up a nice photograph of the kids in a frame and give that to her along with a sweet Christmas card. I think she is missing the point and you don't have to cater to it. Good luck.

On, "The original Christmas day" only the baby got the gifts.. I don't remember anything about Joseph and Mary doing anything other than giving the government money. I buy presents for the kids in my life (nephews, nieces, children, step children, very close younger cousins) until they turn 21 or have a baby (whichever comes first). Once the baby comes, the baby gets the gift. My parents and siblings and inlaws get pictures of the kids and something edible (fudge, cookies, hot chocolate mix).

I fail to understand how you are so reluctant to "hurt her feelings" when she is so readily available to expect you to go into debt for her luxuries.

Don't feed your mother's insecurities because that will only make it worse. Be there for her, but always be honest, even if she thinks you're hurtful. It's more hurtful to lie.

Hi D.,
First of all it is not your job to buy your mother extravagant gifts. If she wants that stuff she needs to go get it for herself and be happy with what you can afford even if it is just christmas dinner and a day together and hearing I love you mom. That is what christmas all about. It is not about the giving or the getting gifts.
You have a family that you have to take care of. They are your first priority.
I know you don't want to have words with your mom. Maybe if you tell her that you are very sorry, but you cannot get her that stuff. Your kids and hubby have to be your first priority. that you love her very much and want her to be around always you just cannot afford to get that stuff for her. Maybe she will understand. If not she will come back around because you are her only family and she needs you.
I hope I helped you and hope that you can get through christmas with joy and love.
Love, S.

Make her some coupons for stuff (like when we were kids)

"This coupon is worth 10 kisses from the grandbabies"
"This coupon is worth one mowed lawn"

Stuff like that. Then enclose a note and remind her that you appreciate all that she has done for you and you love her so much. Let her know that she is the "strongest woman you know" and that during this "season of giving" family wouldn't be anything without LOVE!!!
My mom also raised my brother and I by herself. Sometimes they get so caught up in the struggle, they forget things. I found out that the best way to bring my mom back to reality was to remind her that without her, none of this would have been possible. That she is a true gift from God. She had other options, but she chose us! This usually reminds her of the real stuff and means more to her than gifts!
Hope it works.

Deidra
your mom is a big girl. She can handle disappointment. And I'm sure when you are better off you will get her what she wants. We always do.

Merry Christmas!

My mom is similar, but would never dream of asking for a specific present! Crazy! Are you Santa???
My friends and I have an understanding: Christmas is about the kids, for the kids, and TIME with family. I buy for my husband, son, nephew, and best friend's child. We usually make a project for my mom (hand print ornament and nice card, personalized garden stones since she's a gardener, stuff like that). What I've done this year is make a Special Grandma book (a little scrapbook) where we've made a couple pages of why Grandma Jan is so special to us, and some special moments for that year. It's only a few pages, and then every year we'll add some more to it. It's not about money, it's about the love and sentiment (it takes a lot more time and should mean a lot more). I would invite her over for dinner and to watch the kids open gifts, so she feels important, but wouldn't cater to silly childish behavior.
Another thing I did for a few years which helped to introduce the idea of not buying gifts for every person we know was this: we put slips of paper with the names of different countries in a jar. After Thanksgiving dinner when we talked about what we were thankful for and stuff, we pulled this jar out and ceremoniously drew the name of a country. For example, one year it was Kenya (another Australia, Thailand, Mexico, England): we picked a missionary or teacher that was there away from their family/friends and "sponsored" them. With the money we'd use to buy random stuff for friends/extended family here, we put it to make care packages for someone away from home instead. We put in things they'd miss (REAL toilet paper, peanut butter, favorite candies, necessities, and $ donations for their projects) and send letters/cards. In exchange, they'd send us recipes and traditions on how Christmas is celebrated in that country. We would try it out on Christmas Eve. It was fun! My friends thought so too, and it was a purposeful way to spend the money that noone would argue with.

Even though I think your mom should be more understanding there is one thing you might consider. Perhaps your moms love language is gifts. Therefore she feels the most loved when she receives one. Maybe she would like to have all of those expensive things but less will do. Do what you can but definitely give her a gift of something.
Something else my friends and I have been discussing is that when we work really hard to make our families Christmas special sometimes it is very nice for someone to go out of their way for us. yes Christmas is about children and family but your mom is alone and I can imagine that she might want to feel loved and special and thought of this time of year. She is your mom and I would just stop and love her where she is at. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

I think we may have the same mom. lol! Tell her that after the first of the year you'll get her something. We are having to wait until our tax refund comes in to buy for my husband and myself as well as my parents. Only the kids are getting gifts. Good luck.

Sorry to say D. but your mother has truly lost the true meaning of what christmas is really about.

I really dont know what a solution to your problem would be but maybe if she had time alone without you and your family she would realize that this is a time for togetherness and Family. I'm not sure what your faith is or if she is a church goer but maybe she needs a reminder of what God gave us on this precious day.

For a few years now, several of our family members have been strapped, especially during the holidays. We just buy for the kids...it has made the holidays simpler and less stressful.

It is not your responsibility to buy your mom nice things, if she wants something she can buy it herself! You have two kids that are very expensive and she should be understanding of that. I bought the adults a picture frame and put a pic of my son. I also included hand soap,or lotion, or chocolates. And my parents I got them a Sam's club membership (so my mom can take me too, hehe) but they are more concerned about what my son needs shoes, etc and to contribute to his college fund. I think thats the way it should be. Maybe she thinks you have more money than what you have, or maybe you should be careful talking about things you buy like, "You like Sally's new shoes, they are from stride-rite." I don't talk about how much I pay for things to my parents, because they think its ridiculous how much I pay for things (old navy is brand name to me)and they thought I had more money than what I had, so they didn't understand why an unexpected car shop bill made me poor for two months. Happy holidays!

When my parents and I wanted to stop buying for the adults in the family (we used to draw names), I had one particular aunt who was really upset about it. But, we stuck to our guns, didn't rub it in her face or anything or bring it up and now 3-4 years later, it's no big deal that we don't draw names.

I would stick to your guns and just let her stew in her own madness... She'll either get it or she won't, but regardless, it's not your responsibility...

WOW... it is sad to me that you are stressed because of her. I mean, she SHOULD understand. That being said. Do exactly what you plan with your head held HIGH... if SHE CHOOSES to ruin her Christmas with selfishness, please please please do not buy into it. YOU are not doing anything wrong.
Heck, my husband was in IRAQ and got back the 14th. I picked up a few small things for he and myself because I didn't want him to shop for me. Who the heck wants to go to a MALL at Christmastime after being in Iraq? Anyway... it is a lean Christmas for us because we just bought a house. A certain family member of mine got upset that HE didn't buy anything. HELLO... he buys off my list anyway AND he paid for it because I don't work... Bottom line... we don't care what they think.
I hope you get to that point too!
UGH... em

oh gee.......I have different issues with my mom that are stressful.....unless your mom is really strapped for cash, she can buy these pricy items for herself.....I am on disability and have little to spend on my kids so I make presents for all the adults - this year I made (with my daughter) jelly and such...it has been cookies in the past......as to the inlaws - does everyone have a gift? if so, I would get her something small to open.....but I wouldn't tell her as she should go to be with the family and if she chooses not to, that is on her.........my mom chooses not to come a lot and I have just set boundaries...she likes to play the 'poor me' card and I just don't respond anymore.........I am rambling and will stop...

I say remind her the reason for Christmas! I'm not sure your beliefs, but we celebrate Jesus' birthday. It's not about gifts and we give very few. And then, it's about family. We just enjoy being together!!

We only buy for our children. Christmas is not about getting presents or going bankrupt trying to get something for everyone you know. It is about being with your family and appreciating the gifts we already have- like healthy children and a good meal to share. I am really starting to dislike the whole Christmas season because it is all about money these days! The first year we said no to buying gifts for everyone, I felt a little guilty when others gave me a gift, but we explained to everyone ahead of time that the only presents we were buying were for our children. We are in our third year of doing it this way and I can tell you that no one is upset by it and my hubby and I feel alot less stress over the holidays.

I am sorry to hear that your own mother can't understand your financial situation (especially considering she has been there in the past raising you). I think you have to do the best you can with what you have. Putting your family in a financial bind to placate your mother isn't the right answer. If she insists on having a gift, then get her something small (it doesn't have to be what she asked for). Christmas is not about the gifts under the tree....it's about the ultimate gift that God gave us by sending His son to save us. Maybe if you have something for her to open, she will feel comfortable going to your in-laws. If not, then it's her loss and she will spend the holiday alone. It sounds like she is trying to play on your emotions and I don't think you should give in to that kind of manipulation. If you are her only family, I have a feeling she will come around. Best of luck to you D. and try to enjoy your holiday with your family, whether that includes your mother or not.

Merry Christmas!
V.

Ok, my first response is confusion. Are you married? Your husband didn't "buy your babies their gifts." When you are married, the money earned by both parents is "family money", not his and hers. So, you BOTH bought your kids gifts. And why can't the same be true for your mother's gift? (not that it has to be something expensive or extravegant- that is a whole other issue.) I am worried that you and your husband don't seem to view all money earned as both of yours- as family money.

As far as your mother- do not let her fill you with guilt. You do not have to shower her with gifts to earn her love- if she does not give it to you without strings, then you do not need it. Spend just the amount you can afford (if any) and she can babble and complain all she wants- it is her problem that she does not understand the meaning of Christmas, it is not your problem...

Merry Christmas- may God bless you and keep you (sane...:)

P.

I would simply let all of the family know that from know on gifts will only be bought for the children and you and your husband can exchange gifts with each other when you're alone. If her feelings are hurt over it...I hate to it but too bad. It sounds very immature.

Are you serious? That is ridiculous! Tell her to grow up and stop being so materialistic!

You don't say how old your mom is, but there is a definite age bracket that believes the young "take care" of the elders. Somewhere along the way, that message got skewed into "buy me expensive stuff I really don't need and won't matter this time next year." Think hard about something that would be special and meaningful between the two of you, something that wouldn't cost a lot, but provide special memories. She is alone, and I think the deeper issue is she's afraid of being forgotten. (just like my mom!) Make a handprint t-shirt or wall hanging with your daughter's hands as a gift from the girls. How could she not like that?

if you don't stand up for yourself...who will? if it's not this year, it'll be next year and the next! take care of you and your immediate family first. your mom needs to understand that, and if not, don't compromise your beliefs! break the cycle!

I have 2 ideas for you:
#1- buy you mom gift cards (in amounts you can afford) to the stores that has what she wants that way she can use them to get what she wants
OR
#2- explain your strapped for cash this season b/c of the job and tell her that you want to get her her favorite stuff and give her IOU's for it and buy it in Jan.
Good luck!

Hard situation to deal with - I know how you feel! Just sit her down and have a heart to heart. Let her know you love her and you're grateful she was a Mom and did what any mom would do (raise her child) but that you cannot live up to her expectations. You are her only family however you are not her emotional prisoner. There is a great book called Boundries by Dr. Henry Cloud, so many times we believe that to be "good" we are not allowed to say no, always accommodating others' needs and we are harming ourselves and we are setting a very bad example for our own children to follow. Don't stress, do what you can do (and what is right) and remember the rest is really your moms own responsibility.

Since you asked her specifically not to get you anything and spend the money on herself, get her a nice Christmas card and when she gives you her gift, put your card on it and hand it back. -OR- Maybe you could write a note to go inside a nice card that says something like "I.O.U. so much for raising me as a single parent and I would rather spend time with you than money on you, so this is an I.O.U. for a girls' day of lunch and a manicure"
I was stunned when I read "she asked for ... " Unless my mother/sister/kids ASK me specifically what I want, I can't comprehend asking for things like that from anyone. Maybe my family is just more open, but we communicate throughout the year and therefore know what the other person wants or needs. On bigger items, my sister and I have gone in jointly for mom and vice versa, but with the pressure on you alone, I hope you don't let her guilt you out of enjoying your holidays. Good luck!

Do not let your mom put you on a guilt trip. It sounds like you have been a respectful daughter of the things she has done for you. It was her job she had you. You told her to go buy something and not you. If she doesn't do it then oh well. She'll get with the program once she sees she can't push your buttons. Everything said and done with love and respect gives you lots of room not to feel guilty but satisfied. You have to plan ahead for your kids futures you can't buy her extravagant gifts. Don't feel guilty if she stays home either that was her choice. When my sister and I quit listening to my mom's whining she got with the program and wanted our respect so now we have a good time. I know she appreciates us too pulling her out of her rut. Merry Christmas.