Family Funerals

You don't mention how old the children are. I didn't bring my children to viewings/wakes. I didn't grow up seeing dead bodies and didn't find it necessary for my children. I think it's wrong for people to assume you'll bring young children to a viewing. As for a funeral service, that really depends on the age of the kids, whether they were close with the deceased, and whether they want to attend. If they're old enough to understand what a funeral is, they should each be asked if they want to attend, and each should be allowed to do what he or she wants.

Leave him at home and take the kids. You have a say in this, just as much if not more.. since it is your family.. The children are your children too.

What is he going to do? Pout? He needs to just deal with it.

Just do it..

I'm with Laurie A.
Take the kids with you & go.
If he wants to join you--fine.
Otherwise he can stay home, right?

If you feel it is right to take your kids then definitely do so. This is your family. Sorry for you loss.

I agree with the others. You are their mom. Take them and go and see your family.

I dont get what he has against your family. Family is for life! He might as well deal with that. He married into your family, just as much as he married you. Especially if you're Greek.
Take the kids. Leave the man. Have a family member come pick you all up, if you have to.

My son has attended all IMMEDIATE family funerals - so far only Great Grands but, IMO a second cousin is not immediate thus I would not expect him to attend. I think you and your hubs need to be on the same page with this - is it your family that is the issue or the funeral OR how your family acts at a funeral? I know of some drama queens at funerals and one was in attendance at both and she was advised that NO DRAMA would be tolerated, esp with children in attendance. Could that be the issue?

Is his concern about the mass, or about the family?

I never attended any sort of funeral service until I was an adult, because my family believed that it was not a suitable place for children.

But you say your husband does not want the kids around any of your family. Is that him talking, or is that you?

How old are the kids?

Mine are 5 and 2. They do NOT sit still well, and they would do no one any favors at all in a church or at a viewing. Perhaps your family is different than mine, but when my cousins' father died, they were grateful that I didn't attempt to make the kids sit through the funeral. They would have preferred not to have their OWN kids there. In our family, the life is celebrated at a family gathering after the service, and the funeral is a sort of necessary ceremony. Until they are old enough to understand the solemnity of the situation, this is no place for kids - they can come to the reception later.

However, your family sounds like a different culture, or at least has different customs. Perhaps, his family is more like mine, and it was HIS family custom to not have children there? In which case, maybe he truly doesn't undertand. So, explain it to him. Children are ENCOURAGED to go.

But, he "doesn't want the kids around any of (your) family"? That is a bigger issue. Holidays? Birthdays? Anything? What is going on? If this is really a bigger issue than this particular funeral service, then you guys are long overdue for a discussion, anyway.

I am sorry to hear of your and your family's loss.

I didn't even go to see my mom in her casket. I did not need that picture in my brain the rest of my life.

I think it is unfair of your hubby to refuse your kids to see your family. Sounds very mean and cold to me. Only you can decide if he is right or if you are going to ignore him and take them anyway.

Hi,
I don't really get it -- when you say he "doesn't want the kids around any of my family," do you mean that he doesn't want them to go to the mass, or does he NEVER want them around your family? Regarding the mass/viewing, that can depend on the age of the children and it seems like you and he can discuss his misgivings about it. It's nice that he has agreed to go with you and get a sitter. But if you mean that he doesn't want your kids to see your relatives at all, that is a huge problem that probably could benefit from some marriage counseling.
Good luck,
B.

I personally do not believe in viewings, so I do not feel that children should be taken to viewings. Funerals are hard enough on them, without them seeing some dead person in a coffin. It can be ver traumic and cause nightmares for months or years to come. (The body is real, not a stage prop.) Viewings are for the living, not the dead so if people feel they need one; that is ok and their view. It is best to allow children to remember the person alive. I remember one time my parents brought me to a viewing of their friend that used to come to our house a lot. Guess what? All I can see is that person lying there in the coffin. It totally wiped out all the wonderful memories of her being alive. Your hubby was probably upset that the family insisted on the children being there at the viewing and making comments about them not being there. Everyone is touchy at funerals. Your husband's ideas are simply different than yours. All the hard feelings need to be put away and you need to start making amends on both sides.

You didn't say the ages of your kids but I would think going to a Mass is fine. I can understand some people not taking kids to a viewing depending on age and or how close the relationship. Sounds like he's more interested in control than what may or may not be appropriate, but I could be wrong. Why doesn't he want the kids around your family, is there a good and reasonable reason? Does he not know when two people get married, they've also married into each others family, it's the way it is like it or not. He probably needs to lighten up and give a little.
It seems to me he should try to see it from your point of view and you should all attend as a unit as you said. Better you all support and be with each other than not, it is a family thing. I would try to convince him of the importance of unity and wholeness of the family and that it would reflect respect for you, the kids and himself. If he doesn't see it then just take the kids with you. Be sure the kids are prepared to be still and silent and calm during the mass.

Try to remain composed and I hope this helps

You aren't, we alwayz think our man is gonna change, we will make them better somehow....they don't change unless THEY want to...Go to the mass, take your children, leave him at home...IF he INSISTS that you not take the children then go alone...BUT at some point you both are going to have to face the 'elephant' in the room, WHY doesn't he want the children around your family????

It isn't necessary for children to go to funerals if the parents don't think it's the best thing to do, but you BOTH need to agree on it.

It sounds as if there are more than this one problem happening in your marriage, time to sit down & get it figured out before it gets worse!