Feeling Guilty - Lynchburg,VA

I second the thought that you coudl adjust to his schedule. I stopped pumping when mine started drinking less. I was only still pumping to maintain my daytime demand for the weekends. Right now, I am BFing on demand only--no more pumping--and he gets what he needs.

I don't think that you should fear breaking any bond. You're still the mama, right? You two have biological ties to need each other and to satisfy certain needs for each other. Trust that those ties cannot be broken, and stay open to other ways that you can get both sets of needs met. The needs change as time goes on, and that is as it should be.

I want to say, if you really wanted to keep breast feeding I would jump up and give you all the advice in the world BUT, since you are okay with formula I am going to say, we mothers have enough to feel guilty about for everything that has, is and will happen to our kids. Don't sweat it. Focus on your job and how you will spend time with baby while working. If formula cut out that little bit of stress, a happy mom is better than breastmilk anyday.

My son was formula fed from day one. I can assure you completely, there is absolutely no trouble bonding. We never lacked a "special" bond. In fact, I can't tell you how many mother I met, that were disappointed that breastfeeding didn't bring some special otherworldly bond. I think, mostly, this is an illusion that many people feel guilty they don't experience. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. Ya know? I have never met a grown child who cared they were fed formula.

Bottom line, your son is being fed. You are doing your best. They way you feed him does not define your relationship. LOVE matters much more then if he's fed from your breast.

What a wonderful start you have given your little one! There are many, many babies who did not have the great food you have provided.
This is one of the most stressful times in your life. You need to cut yourself some slack! The nursing relationship is a special one, no doubt. You can still have a close relationship and gaze into each others eyes and he will still think you are the end all and be all. He should be smiling or close to it. He will be ok and so will you. Let go of the illusion of control. Just do the best you can and love him and that's enough, no that's perfect.

Ditto what Bug said. For various reasons, both mine were formula fed. It's worse on your conscience than it is on your baby. He'll get the nourishment he needs, and you do *not* need the extra stress. My OB told me not to worry, a happy mom is the most important thing. Happy mom equals happy baby. Once you let go of the guilt, you'll feel better. And high fives to you for trying so hard! Hugs.

i feel your pain, sometimes you think that weaning them will make things easier, but the sadness and guilt that you feel overpowers that:( you don't have to make a decision either way, just go w/ the flow and know that you can supplement at any minute, pump the one time that you can (for me, pumping during my work day makes me feel close to my daughter) so, maybe don't make a black or white decision yet, just ease into your groove with going back to work and see how everything shakes out;) this way, you can let go of your guilt and when the time is right, you'll know what the right choice is:) Good Luck! And pat yourself, you've made it farther than most moms do

My mother had to bottle feed my sis and I and she said she just always held us close and cuddled us. My mom is retired now and comes over three to four times per week to help me with my boys and we talk all the time and have always been close! Just hold that precious little on close to you and don't worry:)

I haven't been through this, H., but I can assure you that your special bond will NOT go away. Maybe milk from the breast might, but you will find other ways to snuggle him up, hold him and show him he's important and matters to you.

I nannied for families who nursed exclusively, those who supplemented, and those which used formula. NONE of the supplemented or formula-fed babies had any attachment issues with their mothers. Not one. It comes with being a responsive parent when you are home. It comes from lots of holding and carrying. You can keep that closeness by wearing your baby (if your back will tolerate it) and keeping his needs met while he is so little. The milk is just milk-- love, responsiveness, snuggles and attention is what makes that special bond.

Hugs. Sorry this is so hard for you right now. Know that many moms use formula and they don't love their children any less.

If you want more reassurance, Andy Steiner ( a mom) has a great book called "Spilled Milk: Breastfeeding Adventures and Advice from Less than Perfect Moms". It's a good read and does show that no matter if we can or cannot nurse, it's our love that matters. Hang in there. You are doing what's best for your son as you can. :)

I had to go back to work too, H., and as much as I tried, I could not pump. There was no choice in the matter for me. I had to accept that my nursing career was short-lived. However, feeding them bottles made me feel close to them too. I didn't watch TV while feeding them - I concentrated on them. And that's what you should do. Concentrate on your little one so that YOU feel the closeness. I guarantee you that HE feels close to you. It's going to be okay. You'll get past it.

Dawn

Your still his mother. And he will be getting all he needs from the formula. So don't feel guilty! I'm sure you are doing what is best for your family and that is what matters!

Know how you feel. I had a breast infection and he wasn't gaining weight (plus the nursing staff at the pedi's office missed it). So I felt like a double-failure - not nursing, and letting it go too long.

I learned that there are SO many ways to bond with a child. Your relationship with them goes on for many decades and you will need to fine new ways to have your relationship grow through all his stages. You can bond with a bottle. You can bond with lullabies and bedtime routines. You can bond while they're in the tub. You can bond while you're outside picking up cool rocks to bring home to wash and paint. You can bond while you set the table together or make cookies.

Later on, you'll bond in the car driving them places. When they're teens, you sweat out that you haven't bonded at all because they hate you 90% of the time (and it feels like 100%). Then they'll do something awesome when you least expect it to let you know that they really love you but it's not cool to show it.

Through the years, what we did was turn off the TV and limit computer time, so that we had a lot of time to talk. Even in the car when a teen won't make eye contact, you can have some moments. We had museum memberships and took impromptu field trips. We played simple games in the backyard and had scavenger hunts instead of lavish birthday parties at expensive venues. When we watched TV, we tried to make it family movie time - we spread out an old sheet on the floor and had popcorn or a "picnic" while we watched something together. We made bird feeders and drew pictures for Grandma. We played dumb games with the dog. We wrote stuff down in a journal and recorded videos - every now and then we'd pull out the old stuff for family movie night with the old sheet. You'll be surprised how much bonding there is!

Before I completely weaned my baby I had a time when we only fed in the morning, once every 24 hours. My milk supply seemed to adjust to this schedule. Maybe you could be able to adjust to such a schedule too if you are not ready to completely give up breastfeeding yet.

Hi, H.:

Maybe the word is grieving, not guilt.

You can still breast feed or breast nurture.

Make time for it.

Life always throws curve balls where we have to adjust.

Good luck.
D.

I am not sure what you do for work but MOST jobs have to allow you to pump a few times while on your shift. Just a thought if you really are not ready to quit.