Feeling Overlooked

I think often women feel this way. No matter how good/bad your relationship with your spouse is, it seems that women take the brunt of most/all housework and children. My husband works night so dinner and the kids all fall to me. I was doing all of the housework too because it took him several hours every week to do the yard (we live in the country). If I needed help with the laundry, I could ask and he'd throw in a load or take the trash out as long as I left him a note. He did help with dishes without me asking. I have a 2 month old and 2 year old now and since my 2 month old was born, I realized I need his help more and more. And that got me thinking. A relationship is supposed to be comprised of two individuals giving 100% of their time to not only each other but to everything that needs to be done to make a marriage/life/house work. That includes cleaning, bills, shopping, etc. Thinking about all this, it really made me want to tlak to my husband and demand more help. Because we work opposite schedules, i didn't want to have that conversation on the phone or at 2 in the morning with a sleeping baby next to the bed. So I typed him a note (four pages!) explaining what I love about him and how I realize things are different becuase we work different schedules but that I need his help. I was very specific about a bunch of things. When he got home, he woke me and we talked about it. Turns out, he never worried if he forgot or didn't do something because he knew I would do it! I told him I felt like his mother for 'writing him a note' but he wanted me to do that so I do it! Also, we decided upon a cleaning schedule that works for both of us. Before I was trying to get the house cleaned during teh week so we can be togehter on the weekends. He would rather have his week free (and suggested I do that too since I'm taking care of two kids!) and wanted to clean on Sundays. So he takes 1/2 of the house and cleans those rooms top to bottom while I watch the kids and then I do the same. It's really been great for us and for me!!! I'd say to write him a note first...that way you will avoid fighting and maybe he'll just see things in a different light. I made sure I didn't say anything accusatory and was very nice in the note. But just between you and me...you have it much harder because being a stay at home mom is a job you can never 'turn' off. LIke you said, you go from working at home with daycare to working at home as a mom. With the baths and getting your child ready for bed, I'd have him do it 1/2 the time. Tell him that you need a shower, bath or a few minutes alone (headache?) and ask him to do it. Then comment on how much your child likes that. I suggested my husband put our daughter to bed on the weekends because it's the only time during the week that he can. As far as baths go, I tell my husband baths need to be done and the dishes need to be done (or cleaning up from dinner) and ask which one he wants to do. My husband is big on doing things when he wants to so I can sympathisize about that. Talk to your husband. Tell him you are feeling overlooked, under appreciated, etc. About the weekends, get out and take some 'you' time. Don't worry about if your husband uses the tv as babysitter. Men raise children differently. It doesn't mean it's bad the way they do it. When my daughter and husband go into the basement (her playroom and his computer), he puts on the TV a lot...but often times she's running around in between the two rooms playing. He may not parent, clean, etc like you but he's doing it HIS way. Good luck!

I totally understand... I was in the same situtation. My husband seems to think that if I'm not OUT of the house getting paid to do something at least 20 hours/week, I'm laying around doing nothing all day. I guess all those house chores, kids homework, dinner, etc. etc. just take care of themselves! And we won't talk about all the extras I do just for him!
A key note in your post though, was "... it didn't work because I WORRIED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER." Ask yourself something... were you worried about her safety or wellbeing? Is he going to let her play in the street, or teach her some satanic ritual while you're gone? If not, then I tell you bluntly... let go of the control. You, like me, want your freedom, but also want things done YOUR way when you're gone. It's not going to happen. You have to be able to say "I'm leaving... its up to you." and know that it might not be done your way...she might watch more tv, she might skip a bath that night, but that's ok... none of these things are going to harm her from time to time.
My suggestion... start small... join a mom's group, have a regular coffee night with a friend, go to a bookstore for an hour or two... pick a night that is yours... and in turn, your husbands and daughters because they need that time together... and never miss it. You don't have to do the same thing every week, but make it a given that for example, you're going to be gone every Wednesday from 7-9. What can possibly happen to your daughter in 2 hours? When you have mastered this... move it up to spending a Saturday with a friend, etc. You have to put faith in your husband... he's lazy because he can be, because you allow it. He will come to life if no one is there to cook his dinner, etc. and he has no choice.
I speak from experience, but I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do!

I use Carla's technique also. I have an 11 month old and a 12 year old.
When I get home I make dinner. After dinner I will ask if he wants dishes or playtime. He mostly wants play time. There are some nights when dishes sit in the sink. We do all our major cleaning on the weekend and sometimes we have dirty toliets but I just make sure my mom does not see :)
I also started a new thing in the morning. I will get up with the baby, at 5:30, and he gets up a half an hour early for work,6:30, and watches her when I get ready.
He cuddles on the couch with her and watches cartoons. I was not to happy about the fact our baby was watching TV but I got some of my sanity back and that was more important than her watching Super Why on PBS, she loves music!
I would be very direct in what you need and if he does not want to help then I would go on "strike". We had a talk about this last night. There are sometimes I do not want to cook and instead of asking if he will cook I will tell him that he is in charge of dinner. It may be pizza, leftovers, tunafish sandwiches but it works (I will still find something healthy for the baby, oh did I mention she likes pizza too!! Daddy does not want her to miss out!!) You could also suggest getting him to take his daughter somewhere fun 1 night a week as a daddy daughter date, the park, bowling, ice cream??
Good luck and just tell him how you feel in the nicest way possible.

Bless your heart! <3 I have an in-home daycare too (www.myfathersgardenpreschool.com) and I know how draining that can be! I have struggled with those feelings of frustration when other family members simply do not seem to be giving me the help and support I am looking for, and worse, do not seem to have a clue how much I do for them! What has really helped me is www.flylady.net It is a free website that helps give ways to make managing a household less overwhelming. Your husband is a grown man who will not change unless he chooses to- you cannot force that. Hop on the FLYlady website and get some ideas to help free you up at home! If you want a fellow childcare provider to talk with, I am here too. By the way, have you seen the show "A Place of Our Own" on PBS at 6:00 a.m.? It is a show for childcare providers, and it is full of wonderful ideas and support for folks like us. They have a website too: www.aplaceofourown.org Many blessings to you and yours! :)

I'm guessing here, this may not apply to you at all, however, here goes.

A lot of us shoot ourselves in the foot when we ask for help from our husbands and then ask them to do it our way. Then then give up and don't do it at all. Either they didn't do it the way we wanted, or maybe it's not up to our standards. I've seen women do this to men, and my husband do it to me, and I've also done this to my husband. It's very demotivating when you try to help and your partner is too picky. I would recommend you take your break even if he does have the TV babysit your child. You need a break, and God created 2 people to raise a child for a reason. It's too backbreaking alone.

I say, "Women Unite!". Let the old standards and "Your Way" disappear and suddenly, he can help - you just have to be willing to relinquish control and let him do housework, even if it's not perfect, let him change the diaper. If how he does it bothers you, go somewhere else and read a book, go for a walk, take a bike ride.

We all have to stop being so picky.

The other thing is, if that's not the case in your situation, and it's just that he's lazy, I recommend just giving him advance notice that you are going somewhere for a couple of days, and it's up to him to take care of your child (make sure it's when he's off). Go more often than you have been and don't worry about it. Trust me, the child will still be alive when you get back, and your husband will have a new appreciation for all you do.

Also, make sure the two of you (your husband and you) have frequent times to be together and "BE" not just "DO" for each other. If you are always serving and not having any fun with him, the resentment rises very quickly. Make sure you two have dates together, so you can keep your marriage relationship alive and happy.

I go to the Greek Orthodox Monastery by myself about 1 - 2x per year without the kids. It helps me get my head back on straight, and helps my husband to realize really how much work is involved in the house.

I haven't read the other posts. I want to say two brief things that no doubt have been said already. These are reinforcement.

Your daughter will not be hurt by a weekend of TV. It's a good way to get Dad started with her.

Plan a time to talk calmly but honestly with your husband about how you feel. If he's a reader, write him a letter so that he can mull it over first. Be sure to sympathize with his work load and tired feelings then perhaps describe yours as they relate to his. You're both in the same boat.

I certainly understand how you must feel. I wish you success! Remember it's been this way for 7 years. Making this change will take time. Don't become discouraged.

He's a child. A self centered child. It's time to go to therapy with him before the relationship collapses completely. Communication is a problem in your marriage. It is not your problem it is the problem each of you has brought to the relationship.
What do you do to have fun together?

First off - you don't trust him so why should he? I say this with love because I've been you. And then I went away for the weekend with some girlfriends. He took her to the park every day, they did puzzles together, etc. You know why? Because I wasn't there to do it.

Sometimes we women kind of have as much of a hand in making a martyr out of ourselves as anyone.

I'm not saying that it will solve the problem. Only communication can do that. But sometimes you have to tear it down to build it back up. So - leave for a few days and let him fend for himself.

Good luck.

I think ALOT of Mom's feel like this. I know I do.... I work full time and then when we get home, it is like "Whats for dinner?" "Where are my clean clothes" and all the chores that need to be dealt with. Meanwhile, he is in his chair watching tv - while I am taking out garbage, feeding animals, cleaning dishes, shopping and all the other stuff that a household requires. It doesnt seem fair and I get irritable about it at times. But mostly, I just keep plugging away. I DO take time for myself, either a book to read or writing in my journal or visiting a friend... and I just ignore the comments that may be made about it. Know in your heart that what you do has value. Know that your daughter will be grown so very soon and then you will have alot more free time. Maybe a weekend isnt possible right now, but a mini escape could work out.... even if it is just a couple hours to yourself... doing something that makes you happy: exercising, painting, writing, listening to your favorite music, whatever... give yourself something every day that satisfies YOU.... even if it is ten minutes to lay down and meditate. It has to be tough working from home and especially doing day care. This is very demanding and exhausting I am sure. And you never seem to escape, cause it is all there in your own home! Do you have a friend where you could arrange for your daughter to play or stay while you do your own thing?
I guess more than anything I just want you to know you are not alone and this is sort of the way modern mom has evolved. Hang in there and dont let it take you down. You are effiecent and a good mom!

I only glanced over the other responses...

Have you thought about counseling? Marriage therapy is not just for people who are actively fighting. You two need to learn better communication skills and set up boundaries and learn how to better help *each other*. Your husband's tuning out points to stress in his life too.

I know how you feel (and you'll probably get many responses to this). Don't know if you wanted advice or just wanted to vent. :>)
Here are a few solutions to consider:
Hire a housekeeper once a month. I told my DH that we are both too tired and overworked and we will budget for it. He didn't like it & we tried taking 1 Saturday to clean the whole house and it took us 5 hours! So, the housekeeper gets to stay. Worth every penny.
Another idea: Trade a weekend away with a friend. You keep her child or children for a weekend and then she takes yours. Then you get the much deserved rest.

OR, you can leave your daughter with your husband, set up play dates for her before you go, leave pre-made dinners in the refrigerator, and know that she'll only get a little dose of tv- who knows it may be a bonding experience for the two of them. They will be fine and you will come home feeling like a new woman. Good luck!

hi! I agree with Kathy D, go ahead and let your husband take care of your daughter, even if he does use the TV. Children do recover from TV and most of them get bored with it after a while, so she will be asking him to do something different. I say this because, I never took the breaks I needed (and did not take care of myself) because my husband would put them in front of the TV or who knows what, and I was so concerned that he wouldn't do things right. So, now I am overweight, and worn out...I am just now learning to let go of the control I felt I needed to have. Mom's are such wonderful people and we do have a lot to give, which is the way it should be, but sadly there is so much for us to give to now, that we are getting worn out. Don't worry about the TV, my next door neighbor has the TV on 24/7 and basically what has happened is her kid has no interest in TV at all. He is a smart, nice, kid. I was a fanatic about no more than a half hour of TV per day for my kids, and really I don't think it made much difference. (I'm certainly not an advocate of TV all the time, but I think having the TV on now and then is okay). And remember, running a daycare is a wonderful, caring thing for you to do, but it is a tough job and you definitely need your rest and breaks now and then. I hope you can work something out with your husband. I think this time in our lives is the hardest...we are working hard for our future, trying to raise kids in a world where there is so much to worry about, and there is just so much to do (or so much we feel we must do)- so just know that it will all come out right in the end, and when your daughter is 18 and going off on her own, you will have time to yourself again (more than you might even want!) Good luck and leave those dishes in the sink - somehow it will all get done, it always does. (especially when you run out of spoons, or plates...ha ha).

Not really sure that I can be off much help apart from that you're certainly not alone with feeling like you're a Mother to your husband. I'm a stay at home Mom of one baby boy. I'm always the fast one up and the last one to go to bed at night. I feel I'm forever picking up after my husband or asking him to put thinking away after I've spent however many hours keeping the house clean and tidy. I really don't know what it is about Men sometimes!!!

Take a day or overnight for yourself. Or even take your daughter if you feel worried about the TV. Go to a spa for a couple of hours on the weekend, take a walk in the woods, a picnic, go to the library by yourself, a movie with a friend, a museum that is far away (maybe overnight).

But take care of yourself first every once in a while. It will empower you. Leave the house dirty if it is on the weekend at long as you have time to pick it up when you come back. Make yourself strong so your daughter will have a strong roll model to follow.

A.-

I've been married for almost 10 years. I've worked full time (often 50+ hours a week), and when I come home, my day starts again. I understand what you're saying. This is what has worked for me.

On a Saturday/ Sunday afternoon, when the kids are busy and neither of you are in the middle of something sit down with your husband, but have paperwork ready. Men are visual and work with facts. Write down your day hour by hour. Then explain to him what you need without judgement, like:

"We both work hard, and often people don't realize working from home is as hard as working at the office. This is my schedule. Once all the kids have left, I feel I must start my second shift around here. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and stressed about all that must be done at night.

I would really appreciate it if you could _____ (have a list written out), each night. If you could help in these areas, I would feel less stress just knowing you'd get them taken care of."

With my husband, I give him a list and say these items need to be done before_______.

As well as a busy wife, I'm a parent coach, so when I approach problems with Mom's I focus on feelings and emotions, but for the men I focus on facts and lists, men don't talk emotions.

I hope this helps. I bet if you gave your husband specific tasks and a timeline he'd help.

R. Magby

When you figure this one out, let me know. I too work all day (outside the home). My husband works swing, has most of the day (til 2) at home by his self while the kids are in daycare and school. I am never at home without the kids. He doesn't drop the kids off in the morning because he's sleeping, doesn't pick them up because he's already at work. I get all the homework (even on the weekends most of the time), dinner preparation, baths etc. etc. etc.
This Saturday I got up and spent about 4 hours cleaning house, doing laundry, changed beds until I was just flat out exhausted. I asked for his help; he wiped down the kitchen cabinets and stove and put the dishes in the dishwasher. That was it and he didn't do a very good job. Asked him to sweep the floors - forget it, never got done.
So, when his sister came over and I was embarrassed about the condition of our floors I let her know sweeping was my husband's job, as I'd already cleaned for 4 hours and didn't have any energy left to do anything more. She understood; she knows we both work. She just said, "You can only do so much". And everyone got the picture.
It is also important for you to get away. If you're worried about him just laying around and watching TV, maybe you could buy some passes to JJ Jump, the Kids Club, the movies. Just give him the tickets and just say, "Here you need to do this". The only thing I'd let him pick is the date so he can't make excuses that he has other plans at the last minute. I keep track of all the times my husband leaves me with the kids to go hunting, fishing, whatever, then I get an equivalent day. Although, he usually tries to impede on my day off by inviting people over and telling me I have to be home dinner.
However, he knows, if he invites them over, he has to cook. I only do the vegetables

COMMUNICATION!!!!!! you have GOT to tell him how you feel about this Yes you are at home all day but you are also working and contributing money wise to the household. He needs to realize that and you need to tell him. I had the same problem with my husband I would work full time and have to do all the care as far as the household went and the children. If they had to go to an appointment it was me that took them. If they had a function at school or whatever it was me that dealt with it. It got to the point where I was so angry with him all the time for not helping out that I told him that I was getting my own apartment because If I was going to do all the work I might as well be a single mother since I am living that way now! After some good sit down talking one on one with him it finally clicked and he agreed to help out more around the house and with the kids. He did after a while start slacking again and I had to remind him again but things have been great. We share responsibilities with the house and the kids He even takes them to appointments now when I can’t. Marriage is a partnership and that means for every aspect of your lives. Put your foot down!

I think this is a very common problem. I didn't go back to work right away after having my baby, so I got used to doing everything around the house and for the baby and hubby would lounge after work. Eventually, I went back to work fulltime and said, this has got to stop. We have to be 50/50 or I'm going to pass out. Some of it was definitely my fault -- not trusting that he could do things as well I as I could so I would just do it. Be really careful of that. Let him take care of the child and house. He'll do a good job...not just how you would do it, but it will get done. Give yourself time away and don't worry that he'll use the TV as a sitter. Your child will survive and you'll get the break you need. If you don't stand up for yourself now, resentment will grow and can destroy relationships. Give yourself permission to get away once in awhile without guilt or worry. Your husband will learn how hard it is without you there and will stop taking your hard work for granted. Come up with a schedule. He does dinner Tues/Thurs (whether it's takeout or not) and you do dinner Mon/Wed/Fri or something...that includes dishes afterwards. It's a hard balancing act and I don't think it's ever totally 50/50 because guys are guys, but work at it in a loving way for yourself and for him. He may think you're shutting him out of some things because you say he doesn't do it right. Give him praise and he'll flourish! :) Hang in there!! I completely feel for you.

I wish I had advice for you. I to have an in home daycare and three children of my own. My husband also comes home and does nothing to help. He says the same excuse, he worked all day. I have children for daycare for 12 hours and then I have to clean and then I have to wake up early the next day and clean and then there are OUR children to take care of. I have begun leaving my children with him more often. I think that at least once a week you should go somewhere, anywhere without your child for a break. It may not be a whole weekend, but you need the mall or just something. . .

I don't have any advice, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I have the same problems with feeling under appreciated. When I do get a break(which isn't too often) I worry about what goes on at home as well so I don't enjoy the break and feel like I have to hurry home to see what kind of caos needs to be sorted out. I have two sons 2yrs and 7yrs and a husband who acts like a older brother and child to my boys. I understand about "being a mother" to your husband. Did you have any good ideas from advice that you have tried out? How did they work?

I havent read the posts below, I really want to let you know you arent alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel about this!! I did daycare from home for 10yrs. I got the same line of bull and no help, and never getting a moment to myself. What I finally started doing was just clean up after daycare as the children were leaving. Also started putting off some chores to do in the morning, like the kitchen. This freed up a little time to be mommy and hang out with the kids and watch a program with my spouse. Though as a mom its very important that you find some thime to yourself (yea I know you are sitting there laughing!). Do you have a friend or a parent that you sit for that would be willing to help you out and take your kids for a few hours? Or possibly a family member? I had to finally just let my hubby do things his way when he had the kids. I lierally had to pack them food when they went somewhere with them bec he wouldn't think about feeding them.
Anyway try to find a way that works for you! I wish you the best!

I am also running a daycare and taking care of my two girls. Dad isn't real helpful. i have gotten him to do the school runs. I have found that using my crockpot for dinner has helped. I also start some dinner prep during naptime. I also try to be more organized about my menus for the week. If I can make the casserole or put a roast in early then when the last kids leave we can eat dinner. I have my daughter start homework about an hour after she gets home from school. I try to engage the other kids in outside activity if the weather permits or maybe a coloring project so they are all do schoolwork . It helps. I also have the kids help me the toys to bed before their parents arrive. So some of my clean up is already done. Then we can read a story. After dinner and while bath is happening I try to get the kitchen cleaned up. Then I crash for some family time. Before i go to bed i do any last minute things that need to be done to the house for the next day.(make certain backpack is ready to fly out the door,snack stuff in the refrigerator ready to go or whatever i can get done) Some days it flows well and others its a zoo. Hubby doesn't help much and likes the days when all the kids are out the door shortly after four. He dislikes my one long day and plugs into the t.v. which is very frustrating. He could never do what i do for a week. my house would be destroyed.