Feeling Overwhelmed, Seeking Help

Give baby formula. It will make life so much easier on everyone. Not the end of the world. He will be fine.

Keep trying for a while longer but if the breast feeding isn't working out then it's no crime to formula feed.
For meals, a crock pot is wonderful.

Bottle feeding is always an option. Two months of breast feeding is comendable. But it sounds like everybody needs a break!

Oh Maria, I hear you!!!

First off, know that most of what you are feeling is normal. That being said, you should always talk to your doctor if you feel like you might have some depression or post partum issues. But, I think you're just stressed, and who can blame you! :)

As far as the pumping...I was in the same boat. I have flat nipples and it was so hard to BF. I did exclusive pumping as well. With my first I lasted like 10-12 weeks, with the second...not so much. I think it was only like 5-6 weeks. It's a lot harder to exclusively pump when you have another child and you're alone with the babies all day. Since you've already talked to two LC's, I would seriously consider ditching the pump and going to formula. Or at least slowing down on the pumping and supplementing with formula. I bought generic formula with both my kids and I had no problems. It was very reasonably priced and did the job! Personally, when I stopped pumping I became a lot happier, calmer and felt so much more "normal" (as normal as you can with an 8wk old and 3 y/o anyway!)

As far as being a "good parent" to both kids, it's going to take time to find a routine, etc. Your baby is still so young and it's okay that your newborn needs to be held all day, but yes, it does make it harder to get other stuff done. You might consider some sort of wrap or carrier, those do help.

Something that helped me a lot (my kids are exactly 2 yrs apart) was taking the older one on walks when my son was a baby. I could push the baby (or carry) and my 2 y/o was thrilled to walk, push a baby stroller, ride a ride-on toy, or whatever, down the street, around the block or in the driveway. Also, you could walk or drive to the playground so that she can run around and you can still hold the baby. I know it will take planning around that pumping schedule, but you can do it.

Something else I did was to get a bag with just a few new and fun toys that only came out at feeding time. My 2 y/o would play in the room with me and the baby while I pumped. When I was done I put the toys back in the bag and didn't bring it out again until next time.

You will figure out how to do more and more one handed, I promise! ;) Reading generally requires both hands, so while holding the baby try playing board games or playing with dolls or something you could do one handed.

As far as daily chores, well those are going to have to fall by the wayside a bit. Your partner is going to have to pitch in there as well. Try and plan casseroles or crock pot dinners when you can so that you can make enough and probably eat on them for at least 2 nights. If anyone calls or asks to help, say yes, I could use help!! People generally like to be helpful and I am sure that if someone offers they truly would help you prepare dinner, do laundry or make you a meal.

Sounds like the nursing issues are the source of most of your stress and feeling overwhelmed.
Formula is not poison. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Good luck!

IF your household budget can take it, hire a reliable college kid or high school kid who can come over for a few hours a week. I was able to do this when I had a 3 y.o. and a newborn, and it saved my life. The young lady who helped me played with and read to my daughter while I nursed my son, did light cleaning, and watched both children so I could get a shower or a short nap.

Also, give a shout-out to any friends or family who have said, "Let me know if there's anything I can do." Don't be shy about it - ask for help. (I know that's hard - I have trouble doing it.) Right now you need it. And that's both normal and completely okay.

Now would also be a good time to have a heart-to-heart with your partner about what you need from him. You may find that he wants to do something, but doesn't know what is needed. Dads sometimes feel left out when there's a newborn. If you're pumping, then he can feed the baby. Also, this is a great time for him to get close to your oldest. My hubby and my daughter have a very strong bond, and I believe much of it was forged during the time they spent together while I dealt with our darling little colic-from-hell baby. My husband did not handle colic well, but he did a great job stepping in and being there for my daughter at that time.

As for the housework, you know what? While the sanitary stuff still needs to be taken care of (kitchen and bathroom), unmade beds and dust bunnies in the corners haven't killed anyone that I'm aware of. You may just need to let it go for awhile.

Hang in there.... you are doing the best that you can and you will get through this stage. Having said that, I believe ( you and others may not - which is fine ) that if the pumping and latching issue is so bad that it's effecting everything , maybe you should go to formula. At least some formula. I guess what I am saying is it's ok not to breastfeed, and you might find you have more energy and time with your kiddos and for YOU! And the little one may be less fussy and less hungry? Best of luck to you!

You need to give yourself a break. Your body is still recovering. The laundry can certainly wait to get done and when you do it, just wash and dry. Don't worry about folding it and putting it away.

Sandwiches, soup and breakfast food count for dinner.

Remember this too shall pass. Once you are feeling better you will be able to enjoy your kids more.

Hang in there, mama! It's 'normal' to feel overwhelmed, but when something's not working for you, it's time to make a change, and happily you have recieved a lot of great and helpful suggestions! One of my favorites is to try swaddling and setting baby down for a while - little bits of time that get longer in duration. I wish I'd focused on this more. I never mastered 'the art of swaddling' (and never realized just why it can be so helpful), so my son would 'break free' and lose control and I'd end up holding him more (to both my contentment AND frustration!!). If a tight swaddle doesn't help, try a sling. Again, I wish I'd done it. It will free up your arms and make you more functional while having him so close all the time.

Also, if the latch shield doesn't work, then consider switching him to formula. It's not a 'failure' to do that. It's making a responsible change to help both baby and you. You will feel less exhausted and baby may end up with a full belly that helps him be more content (not that he's not eating enough now, but if you are less stressed, he will also be less stressed).

Lastly, if financially you can manage to put your older child into a 3s program, it will be both good for her worth it for you to have the added peace of mind that she's getting the socialization she needs from capable others and you have a bit less stress (after she adjusts to being dropped off, LOL). And if that's not an option, then join a mom's group where she can socialize with other kids which will take the pressure off you and allow you to share your daily difficulties and triumphs with others who can appreciate and share as well :)

Best wishes!

The "bad mom" syndrome is a vicious cycle and it sounds like youmay be right in the middle of it. I hope you can hear what these other moms are saying about letting go of some of your expectations. Too often, as moms, we have these stories in our heads about how we should be. Unfortunately these storiess are based on lies or fantasies. We often are so caught up in the stories that we don't stop for just a few minutes to question them.

I would suggest you sit down with a notebook and take a few minutes to write about: "As a mom I should..." Just pour out all of the stuff that is running around in your head. Pay close attention to all the perfection that is expected of you. Then, make a new list of reality. What is real about motherhood and what you are dealing with daily.

It is important to question deeply what clinging to expectations is actually doing to your life, health, and relationships. I now understand that "expectations are the road to hell."

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Trying to be supermom will only cause heartache. Instead, just be the mom you are and you will be amazed at the results. Life Coach Martha Beck once said: "We don't teach our Children how to love themselves by how we love them. We teach them how to love themselves by the way we love ourselves."

Love yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Be willing to ask for help and to receive help. Know that you will never be perfect, after all you are human, but you can be amazing.

I highly recommend the book: The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson.

Hang in there mama!
First, can you work on improving your pumping schedule? I went back to work when my dd was 9 weeks old and I "only" pumped 2 times during the day (while at work). I nursed (then pumped first thing--before leaving for work ~6:30), and nursed (then pumped as soon as I got home ~5:30). We did 2-3 nurses at night (which you could probably cover with 1 good pump). I understand that without the nursing, it would take you longer to pump, but maybe a supplemental feeding (formula) would help?

Also, I suggest you find ways to get your 3-year-old involved with the baby. She can: help give him the bottle while you watch (and pump), rock/bounce him in his swing/chair, sing/read to him, etc. Get her involved with housework: she can collect dirty clothes, sweep, pick up toys/clutter, help wash dishes, etc. Do you have friends or family who would be willing to prepare a few meals for you (freezer meals?!).
She won't do the "best" job, but she'll feel like she's helping, you'll have more activities to do with her, and she'll feel some responsiblity for being a part of the family. (Ha! That's how I look at it each time I teach my dd a new chore!)
Just relax (as much as you can) and try to enjoy this time! Good luck!

This will pass.

1. Pumping and bottleing opens the door for dad to do some feedings and no guilt for you.

2. Do you have the hands free "pumping" brazier? If not GET ONE. It is helpful.

I was there with my second child for the latch.. she would not latch to save my life. I too had to pump and bottle her, and you feel like a cow being milked 7 times a day.. I understand.. ...This will pass.

Take it one thing at a time.. the house work is there weather or not it gets done.. it is not going anywhere.

How much help does your hubby give you? He needs to help, I get you are a stay at home mom, but he can still help.

You are a great mother.. or you would not be worried about being a bad mom. :)

When I had my second son my first had just turned 3. It was SO HARD! I would just be a sobbing mess in the middle of the night. Same thing as you. Feeling like a horrible mom, neglecting the older one, constantly holding the younger one, stressed out to the max with the house falling apart around me.
I have no advice mama. When my husband would find me like this he would be a deer in headlights and tell me I was doing "fine" and then go back to bed. It was a rough 3-4 months for me.
And then the baby started napping at the same time as the 3 year old. So I napped. My husband helped out a bit more. And I just learned that my job was the children first...house second....or third.
When I was finally able to accept that I wasn't going to be super mom it sure got a lot easier!!
Even now, 3 kids later, I tell people "come on over! The house is a mess but I will clean the bathroom for ya!"
As a nursing mama I understand how important it is to you to want your baby to nurse. My daughter took about 4 weeks to get it. It was awful. Tears on her part, tears on mine, pumping around the clock. My husband, bless his heart, came to me and said something along the lines of me trying my best and maybe my daughter just didn't want to nurse. We could do formula. So, I gently suggest that maybe doing formula a bit may help ease your stress.
(FWIW...I didn't do formula. I powered through and she FINALLY got it. But I am so grateful to my husband for lovingly bringing that idea to me)
It will get better....I promise.
L.

When I had my 2nd child, that is when my eldest child, started Preschool. She LOVED it. It was HER time. And she loved it.
I didn't send her there to get her out of the house. SHE wanted to go and was asking me/Hubby to go to Preschool.
She went part-time half days.
It was good for her and us.
My kids are about 4 years apart.
And though my eldest was VERY independent and was a Champ about me being with her baby brother and nursing and my doing all the household things etc., her going to Preschool was very special to her.
I also talked with her a lot... even WHILE breastfeeding. I gave her verbal love and assurance. And she understood. We had a special handshake and "nod" that we'd do, even when I was just sitting there on the chair nursing her baby brother, all day. My daughter was not at a loss. Just because I had baby brother to care for. And my son had had medical issues when he was born, and I had to tend to him constantly once we brought him home from the hospital.
It was not easy.
But my daughter, had a good adjustment to it all, and she was so eager about having her time at Preschool.

Is it possible for you to put the 3 yo in preschool or a mom's morning out program a couple of days a week?That will help keep your 3 yo engaged and she may really enjoy being around other kids her age.
8 weeks is a tough time for a newborn but it will soon get better. Hang in there.

You are at peak fussy period for baby. Week 8 is the worst week. It will e better soon!

Please take a deep breath, and be proud! You just brought a little person into this world, you have a happy 3 year old, and you are feeling the flood of hormones. Take a deep breath, order out dinner, and cuddle up for a show with your LOs. You deserve a break!

Remember, it is only momentary. It will get better, and then bad, and then better, and soon enough you will have a rhythm down.

I highly recommend the baby whisperer. It is time to start teaching your LO how to sleep without you. It's never too early to start good habits.

Mostly, give yourself a break. You are doing amazing. Don't let "bad mom" syndrome fool you. :-)

Ditto Geneva L.

I had horrible BF experiences. Formula fed mine.

Do you have a town greeter? Ours does, and you call when you have a new baby (every time) or move in to neighborhood. She drops off a basket of very useful coupons. Ours had free pizza from restaurants, free oil changes (frees up dad to help and frees up $$$), discount maid services, etc. it helped out a lot. And if you want she will just drop it at your door. I found comfort in my visit cause the lady had like 10 kids and new what I felt/ needed. See if your town has anything for moms/newborns.

You can also hire a "momma's helper". A young neighborhood girl to come help or play with your daughter for a few hours for a few bucks. It can be a part of her community service hours.

Start calling in favors or offers of help. This is a hard job, and most of us have been there!

I also went to the dollar store and loaded up on fun things for my older ones. I let them participate with newborns care and then every Wed and Friday or just Wed I would let them pick a wrapped toy from the " thank you" basket from the newborn. Bribery? Yes.... But it took the focus off mom needing to care for baby "all the time", and then they had something new to occupy when I fed baby or until daddy got home.

Be direct and clear with your husband. I'm sure he wants to help, just doesn't know how.

Like the other poster said, one day you will be reading this same post from someone else.....it is such a milestone to over come!

Spend the extra $$$$ for a cleaning lady or babysitter at least for a few months. You will "get yourself" back and your kids, husband and yourself want this the most (not super mom).

Hang in there!

A breast shield may have ready been suggested. If not, I suggest you try it. My grandchild had trouble latching. She learned how with the shield. After a week she didn't need it any more.

Hang in there. I felt stressed while nursing one child. Try to let what you can go for the sake of your sanity. Nothing has to be perfect.

Hi Maria,

Don't feel like you are alone on this! It's a struggle to balance your time with children especially when you have an infant that requires your attention. Perhaps your 8 week old is not getting enough food, therefore does not sleep well. I found when my children (5 yrs, 2 yrs and 1 yr old) had full bellies they would sleep! eventhrough the night. if baby is crying throughout the day it's possible he is hungry and tired! if you need to use formula to supplement the breast milk, then do so so your baby is not hungry. i agree about the swing that other mothers mentioned.....that was helpful for my 1 yr old when she was a few months old. also, try and include your 3 yr old whenever dealing with the baby.....even it's to sing a song to him....help hold a bottle during feeding, throw away diapers, etc....anything to get her involved. and remember that it will get easier once the baby gets a little older, they can interact more. also, take walks! the baby should enjoy it and of course the toddler. I wish you the best of luck Maria! I go through the same thing as well, trying to balance my attention towards my three girls and it is challenging but just make sure you give lots of hugs and kisses esp to your 3 yr old.....and keep your head up and be positive.....and just do the best you can.

Totally normal. Try a nipple shield so if she latches u can ditch the pump.

Wow! I so remember those days! Hang in there. This too shall pass. And somewhere down the road (like 8 or 9 years from now) you'll be reading someone else's post, remembering how sweet they were as babies and toddlers and realizing those are days you don't get back again. As hard as it is now, look for the beautiful things - like smelling their hair (I used to do that to remember because I knew they would grow up) and letting them sleep in your arms. It feels impossible and endless now, but you can do this, and they will grow, and you'll remember more of the good stuff than bad when they do.

ps - nursing is hell! I exclusively BF'd both kids, but my daughter was a terrible latcher. The nipple shield was a great idea - totally helped her - and tenacity from both of us.

Ah, mommy guilt, there is no escaping it! Please don't beat yourself up, we have ALL been there.

Do you have a swing? I found that my baby (who also needed to be held during naps slept... 'Like a baby' :) in it.

Hang in there! This too shall pass...

I thought pumping was actually a lot easier than nursing. That way, your husband can help feed at night.
I know it's a hassle, but I found nursing more time consuming and more painful. Do you have any family close by? Again, if you've pumped, someone else can help feed.
Have you tried one of the vibrating bouncy seats? My dd used to love that and she'd fall asleep when she was in that chair. It was a life saver for me when I had to get a few things done. Always make sure the chair is on the floor or carpet and see if it helps.

Hugs to you, of course it's exhausting and depressing. You're not alone. The chores will wait, so only do the minimum. I switched to formula after emotionally breaking down in your situation - and while I was still extremely sleep deprived, I was much happier. There's nothing wrong with formula when nursing issues complicate your mental well-being. Happy mommy = happy children. You're doing the best you can, just remember that. This too shall pass. It feels like *forever*, but it will get better, I promise. Hang in there.