Feeling Stung by Another Parent's Comments

When dealing with three playmates, someone almost always ends up being the odd man out. She may be basing this on when the other two play together, this doesn't happen and sees your son (the variable in the equation) as the cause. How does your son play with each of the boys individually? My bet is that either two are fine alone but by adding the third, someone always feels left out.

i'd feel a bit peeved too. kids bicker. it's part of the process, and parents tend to over-manage. i'd bet our next paycheck that your son is not 100% guilty of everything she's accusing him of doing, and that her cherubs are right in there with it.
i DO like that she's at least up front with you that there are issues. and i really like your calm, sensible response to her. and i very much admire your restraint in not pointing out to her all of her little cretins' pecadilloes<G>. i'm not sure i could have taken a road quite so high, although it would surely backfire.
i really can't point to anything here that i'd change, GS&PP. you seem like a sensible, no-drama mama to me. the only other thing that might work would be to ask HER what she thinks ought to be done. if she makes commonsense suggestions, all to the good. if you detect wackjob dramaqueen, it might be time to shift your family focus to new friends.
honestly, i can't think of anything more effective and sensible than saying to a problem kid 'things don't seem to be going well today, and you guys aren't enjoying yourselves. it's time for you to go home.'
no judgment. no punishment. no ostracism. no adrenaline.
simple, direct action.
khairete
S.

Your friend might be the kind of parent who places the blame on everyone but her own kids.
Widen your circle of friends and have your son spend more time with other playmates.
He can certainly have them over to play at your house but try to avoid sending him to her house.

"And to me, the bottom line is, if you think my child is a problem, tell him so and send him home."

This. If she has a problem with your kid, then she should simply not let her kids play with him.

No, I think you are right in how you've handled it.
I wonder what her motivation was in telling you this, if she didn't intend to DO anything about it. I think asking her to set him straight and send him home is a fair response, if you are not there to do it yourself.
If she continues to push on it, I would ask her directly if she would like the kids to stop hanging out, or what more you could be doing (assuming you two are friends and want to stay that way).
Otherwise, leave it be.

It does sound like things didn't go perfectly at that house. Was your son 100% responsible? Probably not. Are little boys *supposed* to have the finer points of diplomacy down pat? Of course not. But could he have done something or other a little better than he did? Probably so.

So what you need to do is bring the diplomacy to a higher level.

I had a slightly similar situation with my son last year, when he was very clingy with his (slightly older, socially more mature) best friend, and raised a ruckus when the friend tried to play with other kids. Friend's mom kept coming to me with every little problem, every little indiscretion, on the part of my anxious little 6-year-old boy. I did read my son the riot act, I did take away dessert and screen time, I did create a whole game to help my son listen and accept it when other kids said no. And my son really tried, but the core problem didn't go away.

So finally, I sat the mom down and said, "Jane [not her real name], I think I need your help. I've tried X, Y, Z, and Q, and I do think they're helping, but what I'm getting from you is that they're not helping *enough.* And I think I'm running out of ideas. What do you recommend? Can we tackle this together?" And the mom-- it really was amazing -- said, "Oh wow. I never thought of that. I have no idea what you should do. I just figured you'd know." We laughed for about an hour. The problem honestly never got solved (they moved away, so it became moot), but that conversation changed the dynamic between *us,* and she wound up being a lot more supportive about my son.

So, after that whole long story (sorry!), what I think you need to do is practice the diplomacy your son is too young to take on. Empathize with this other mom. Acknowledge where she's coming from. And then reach out and see if you can work on a solution together. When she looks at it that way, she'll realize it's actually not that easy, and there'll be a lot less blame flying around.

I think Boss Fan hit the nail on the head about 'three' kids..... another mom and I discussed this recently. My kid is the 'only' in the situation and she has two children; one who is considerably younger than mine, one the same age. They all play together *fairly* well, but she and I both noticed that the trio requires a parent nearby to help the kid who is the odd one out, however that might occur. (Their ages are 7,7 and 3.5 or so.)

Those 'trio' playtimes need a lot more adult help because, basically, the youngest one often becomes involved in the petty disputes between the older ones. What I see happening is fairly age-appropriate and I do see my son trying out new, socially-inappropriate ways of solving problems. Why? Because he's got new situations and new opportunities which he hasn't had before. All three of the kids need help from time to time, but when the two older ones play alone, things go more easily.

I don't know if it helps you, but it really helps me in my relationship with the neighbor mom -- I talk to my son about his behavior there and then, in the moment. "I understand that XYZ happened, and you can't ask your little friend to do ABC with you to get back at your older friend." If it was ever something *terrible*, of course the playtime would end, immediately. But any time we can provide a chance to come up with new ideas for problem-solving, that's our go-to, talking with the kids (since there is a 3 year old involved, we have to work with this in mind) and a strong warning that if the behavior continues, the playtime will be done, immediately.

For what it's worth, I do see this sort of behavior a LOT amongst the kids at his school. The girls seem pretty overt about the drama of the threesomes, where girls hold 'power' over each other and the strongest is nearly always allowed to 'choose' which friend gets to sit closer, etc. I do think part of it is age, part of it is opportunity. So, you might take a break on the playdates for a while, or just agree with the mom "you know, it seems like all of the kids are testing boundaries... would you like to just do outside playtimes and have us both be present?"

I think parents can be blind to their kids' behavior sometimes; if they don't see it, if they don't usually have that dynamic at their home regularly.

Personally, if it was someone who *kept* telling me my kid was the problem, I likely wouldn't want to send my child, period. Not because he wears a halo, but because I wouldn't want him around another adult who was already anticipating that he was going to be trouble for them.

Take a break for a while...
If they play, have it at your house.
I'm sure there is blame all the way around. At your house you can control it...but why should they play at all if they don't get along? Make some new friends.

How old is your son? How old are these other children?
Kids bicker, that is normal.

Keep speaking with him and practice with him how to handle situations when he gets frustrated , angry or has hurt feelings. Using the right words.
"That hurt my feelings"
"Lets take turns so we all get to do what we want".
"Those a are not nice words"
"Lets share this"
" I am frustrated that you will not let him have his turn"
Lets play this for a while and then let him have his turn to play what he wants"
"You are not playing fair you are supposed to... "

You gave her permission to send him home if she feels it is a problem. When they are at your home, let them solve problems, but maybe teach them to use proper communication skills when needed.

It sounds like the lady has no tact and delivered her 'message' like a punch to the face.

But many times you will hear women on this board frustrated with a child's playmate told to "talk to the parents" about the child's behavior, and that is exactly what this woman tried to do, even if she was wrong, or clumsy in her approach. I don't agree that she should tell your child he is 'a problem' and send him home.

If she doesn't want him playing over at her home, then yes, keep your child from going over there. If she is open to talking with you about possible solutions, maybe the best idea is to sit down and try to actually talk about what she's observed and figure out if your son is actually the problem at all.

ETA: I agree that knowing the ages of the kids would be helpful, because a group of varied ages younger than 7 might need more supervision, tweens are a different matter altogether.

You may offer to host the playdates at your house instead, since you don't see the same issues in your home.

You should also ask your friend, "Is this my child or generic childhood behavior? I have observed.... about your children. I have talked to my son and I am working with him, but I do not see that he is acting inappropriately, especially given his age." Tell her what you said here: "However, from my observations of the children playing, the friends tend to fight plenty amongst themselves, and while my son doesn't tend to help resolve the problems, he isn't really the cause of issues."

Are these children older or younger than your son? That can factor, too. And three together often means two against one. Does he do better one on one with these children?

What age are we talking about? If we're talking 6 and under? They wouldn't be going to a friend's house WITHOUT me.

Ages 7 and up? Yes, they would be going over without me.

As to your situation? You handled it as I might have, I don't know how good of friends you are with this person and I don't know specifics about what happened and what she considers "manipulations" - ALL kids do it, they are LEARNING how to negotiate and get along. What does this friend consider malicious? In MY book? Malicious is telling lies to the other kids and using FORCE to get your way.

I would invite HER kids over MY house and see what happens. Heck... if you have a nanny cam - use it... she might be the type of parent who sees her child as perfect and can do no wrong... it's NEVER Johnny's fault... much easier to believe it's NOT **HER** child...

I would keep him from going over there for a while at least. Is this a neighborhood friend? I've noticed that the neighborhood friends tend to bicker and act far worst than when my children have their real friends over. If this is the situation then keep him home or have him play in your area. If it isn't try to find some other friends to hang out with for a while.

I think what you told the mother was perfect.

Three never works. Two only.

Ok ugh. No one is wrong and no one is right. All the kids are misbehaving at times, it's what they do. She was sort of ballsy to accuse your child of "all the wrongdoing" basically if that's indeed how she said it: "YOUR son manipulates my kids into being bad." and nothing else like "but kids will be kids so I know my kids have an equal hand in things...". If she really thinks her kids are flawless then YES, put her in her place. If it were me in either of your shoes, I would not mention it the behavior initially, because all my kids can get up to "no good" with a gang of friends, and I know my kids are equally culpable. So far I've had the good fortune of dealing with parents who don't reach out and accuse my kids of stuff when the playing field is equal.

If someone said this to me and I knew it was ridiculous because her kids were just as bad I'd either:

1) Accept that she's flawed in her perceptions and let it go without anger so the kids can continue to play together, but brace myself to hear more ridiculous things out of this parent down the line...

or

2) Diplomatically, calmly call her on it and point out her own kid's behavior in specific instances and end with "So as long as we agree that none of our kids are perfect we can play it by ear as to how often they play together" or something...

or

3) Quit hanging out with Ms. Rose Colored Glasses.

But feeling bad that she had the nerve to say that would not be an option for me. Life's too short. Don't feel bad. Take action or let it go.

Nervy Girl and Boss Fan took my answer. With playdates, I've always been told that you need an even number. When there are 3 kids playing, at some point their will be a disagreement that will turn into a 2 against 1. If you notice this tendency at your house, start inviting just 1 of the kids over at a time to play with your child.

For playdates at their house, I think your suggestion is just right - if the playdate isn't working, she should send your child home. Not in a mean or punishment kind of way, but just in a 'hey kids, since you are all not getting along now, Joey needs to go home.'

You are definitely not wrong to feel how you do. I hear what you are saying. Three kids playing together tends to be a recipe for disaster. Even as adults, it can be tough. Right? So, my suggestion would be for your child to play with ONE of her kids instead of both.

Allow some distance and time. It will pass.

My sister recommended something in a similar situation to me....meet at a park or somewhere you both can watch over them. At least while there seems to be this feedback from her. And although moms chit chat...keep an eye out and listen more attentively so you can really assess what is going on. Otherwise what you told her is absolutely nice and reasonable. Kids are kids and if she cant handle the situation with the three then imo she should not have described your child in that way and simply sent him hime if there was too much fighting.

Here's my advice. Find your little boy someone else to play with. What is happening here is that her two kids don't get along and she is blaming your son. Also, there are 3 of them. Three kids together is always a recipe for conflict.

If you continue to let him play with them, she will continue to make your son the scapegoat.

I will tell you point blank that you are WRONG to lay at your 5 year old's feet that he is supposed to help these kids get along. Why would you do that? It is NOT his job.

I have no idea if your child is badly behaved or not. I do know that this so-called friend of yours needs to see her children for what they are rather than beating you up over yours.

When she asks about another playdate, tell her that you are taking a break. If she wants to trash talk your kid again, tell her "Excuse me, I have things to do." And hang up.