Five Year Old Not Listening

You've gotten a lot of great advice so far. I wanted to share what I did with my two daughter to improve their listening with positive reinforcement - they were just 5 and almost 4 at the time. And we had similar issues, they did great at pre-k but would come home and rarely listen.

I found really cute paper stars and hearts and a teacher store. Like a bag of 50 for a few dollars but it could be anything that motivates her. I didn't do it every single time BC they say that then they loose the motivation. But a lot of times when I saw them listening, I would give them a heart of star into a clear jar with their name on it. They were so excited about it that I really didn't have to come up with an economy for them but after a few weeks, I did.

For us the economy was that when they accumulated 50 between the two of them, we'd pick a fun family outing. The zoo or dinner out something like that. Honestly it's the kind of thing we'd probably normally do anyways but they didn't need to know that ;)

After a while I was able to stop giving them the hearts and star and only verbal praise. It really didn't take very long and I continued for probably 6 months. So a year later I haven't used the system for a long time. They are usually great listeners. They have their moments but life it much better :)

Just adding we do time out a lot and I switched because I found it didn't seem to make the listening better. It has stopped a lot of other behaviors but I just didn't find it effective when it came to listening ears.

HTH

At this age the 'not listening' is more often a case of you not communicating in a way she can understand.

First - don't ask her about dance. She's signed up and she's going (unless she's too sick to participate (temp, vomiting and/or diarrhea) - you don't tell her about that last part).
Drop her off (walk her in and let the class start) then go run an errand and/or get a cup of coffee until it's time to pick her up.

Second - when you want to tell her something - get her attention first.
Kids who are playing or deeply concentrating can NOT hear you.
They are not ignoring you - they just are focused elsewhere and do not hear a word you said.
Call her over, have her look you in the face and when you've told her what you want to tell her - have her repeat back what you just said.
At THAT point you ask her if she has any questions about how to do what you told her to do.

Third - Phrase your information in short instructions.
"Go clean your room" is WAY too general.
You need to break it down into simple steps.
"Put your books on the shelf" and when that's done,
"Put your dolls in the toy box" and when that's done,
"Put your blocks in their container", etc.
You keep her on task at every step.

Fourth - Transitions from one activity to the next can be a problem at this age.
You want to give her a heads up.
"Honey we need to get ready for dancing. You have 15 minutes more to play and then we need to get dressed".
"Alright, 10 minutes left to play".
"Five more minutes then it's get ready time!".
"Ok! That was fun but it's over now! You can play with it tomorrow. Time to dress!".
You get the idea.

Once the PARENT(s) is/are trained up on how to get through to the child, it's AMAZING on how much better they listen and understand - and it's a lot less frustrating for everyone every which way around!

A quick answer re dance. Don't ask her if she wants to dance. I suggest your giving her a choice confuses her when she's there. Help her stay focused on dance by telling her she goes, listens and participates. I suggest another reason she is less focused when you are there is that she's not sure about you and what you expect or perhaps she's anxious and has difficulty staying focused. If possible, step out of the room. Some instructors require parents to leave because children listen better with a parent not there. The instructor is the only authority figure that way.

I wonder if you're not being clear enough about your boundaries. Children do best when they have specific guidelines for behavior and and have consistent consequences.

Do keep in mind that children by their nature have difficulty listening and following thru. They have to be taught how to do this over a number of years. Even many adults have difficulty. There are ways to help. When you want there attention get on eye level with them. Touch an arm or shoulder. Ask them to repeat what you said and what they are to do. Then have a natural consequence if they don't follow through.

Do all of this good naturedly. I suggest you read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I also find Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline very helpful.

1. Make sure you have good eye contact when talking to her. You can say 'Olivia, look at my nose' and touch the top between your eyes.

2. All the dance/gymnastics classes I have taken my kids to are drop off and have one watch day a month. This is because the parents are often distracting.

3. Tell her what 'to do' instead of what 'not to do.' This is harder than some think. "Please keep your hands to yourself" instead of "Don't touch that." Believe me, I find myself saying "Don't touch that!!" because it comes out faster. This is just something to work on and consciously think about when explain thinks to people.

4. Your daughter is testing her limits by defying you. Try to be consistent with discipline.

i do think it would probably help to leave while she's at dance class, but the naughtiness when you're present does need to be addressed. that 'touching in the store' habit would be nipped in the bud immediately in my home. she would be whisked right out of that store and taken home to spend the rest of the day in her room with no tv or friends to think about it. she certainly has YOU well-trained if her tantrums are so extreme that you fear she will self-harm or break things. in that case her room would be stripped down to the bare minimum and she could go in there and fling herself about to her heart's content.
if she DOES actually self-harm then you need to have her evaluated for mental issues, of course. but in most children that's a predictable control technique, and no 5 year old should have learned that it's ever effective.
don't be wishy-washy. put calm, immediate consequences into effect so that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what will occur when she's unpleasant, and then step back and let the action/consequence work.
khairete
S.

You've got great comments below.

This is all pretty normal behavior for a 5 year old.

As others said below, she is testing her limits. You need to present a firm wall for her to push up against... don't crumble. Whatever kind of discipline you use, be consistent.

If she has a tantrum, send her to her room. Ignore it. It is attention seeking behavior. After she calms down, go talk to her. I doubt she will hurt herself during a tantrum, but make a safe place for her in her room (maybe with pillows on the floor) and let her go there. If she starts to escalate, send her there asap. Try to difuse her before she gets into the full-blown melt down. Once that cycle starts, it has to finish, they can't just stop in the middle.

And finally... she WILL grow out of this. When you're in the thick of it, it can seem so overwhelming, but she will grow out of it! Just keep your eyes on the horizon...

It is normal. Children listen to teachers, instructors, strangers, but not M. and dad. They know that M. and dad will love them no matter what and trust M. and dad enough to misbehave for them. Do you have to stay with her at dance? Try dropping her off and picking her up at the end of class and find out if her behaviour is better.

Great advise so far.

One thing to keep in mind is, she's 5. It takes a lot of energy at 5 just to go to school all day. When they come home at the end of the day (especially at the beginning of the school year when they're just getting used to everything), it's completely normal for them to have some behavior troubles. On days that I'm able to pick up my boys (5 & 8) they are overly excited and squirrelly and can drive me bananas just on the walk to the car.

At 5, their attention span is quite short. It's easy for them to get distracted, and it's easy for them to get intensely focused on things.

Consistency! That's really the key. Remind her of the rules ahead of time, and be very vigilant. Be very aware of her for awhile, and gently guide and remind immediately.

My 5 year old loves to go grocery shopping with me. Our local store has those "Shopper in Training" grocery carts that he just loves to push around. I still have to remind him of the rules before we go into the store. Stay with Mommy, don't run, drive straight, don't get too close to the shelves, don't run into people or groceries, etc. Even though he really should know better, I've found that if I don't remind him, he will be goofy and I will regret it.

She doesn't know if she wants to go to dance class. At 5 years old, they usually don't really know what they want. Sometimes it's quite clear (my 5 year old hated playing baseball). But usually, they don't know what they want, and asking her is actually putting lots of pressure on her. It's best to sign her up, give the class a try for the entire session she's signed up for and reflect (just you) on whether or not it was a good experience overall. Then you can decide whether or not to sign her up the next time.

Try to remain us calm as possible, and keep reminding her of the rules. Be very consistent, and follow through immediately. She will get it. She will catch on. Just remember, she's only 5.

My daughter went through a phase of tantrums involving self harming, but it wasn't related to getting in trouble. I know, sounds weird, but too complicated to explain in short space. Anyway, I would stare at her with a "what on earth is wrong with you, you crazy kid?" look on my face for a minute while saying nothing. Then I would say, "It seems really odd to me that you want to hurt yourself like that. I wouldn't do that if were you, but I'm not going to stay here and watch you do it. Frankly, it's weird if you ask me. Let me know when you're ready to act normal and want me to comfort you, but I don't do screaming and wild animals."

That shocked the heck out of her. Before I figured out that strategy her tantrums would last forever. The first time I tried the new strategy her tantrum stopped within just a couple minutes and turned into normal crying. It took just a few more tantrums and she never had one again. It's been years now since a tantrum.

She was doing it to get a rise out of me and to disturb me, and when I showed that I didn't care, she realized her tantrums had no power over me.

If she throws temper tantrums because she's punished....then the punishment is NOT effective. She's not at all afraid of discipline if she knows she can launch into even worse behavior after it. What is her punishment for the temper tantrums? It sounds like she can get away with the behavior with you. I was around for all 3 of my kids' first classes in the waiting room and such..so it was my job to discipline them if they did not heed my warnings to behave in the class. And i did follow through. At age five you can even discipline after the fact at home and she will remember that you warned her about the behavior and that she was doing the behavior. If she flies into a fit at a consequence, warn her to stop immediately or she'll have a worse consequence.

Kids LOVE to blow up and freak out in order to scare their parents out of disciplining them, so you have to make that behavior off limits as well. I've never ignored a fit. That was an instant no-fly zone in our house. Don't give her the option of acting badly when you're there or at home. Waring, consequence. A more scary one than removal of toys or time outs. Those do not work for spirited kids. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

And no choice about dancing. She's there to dance. She must dance. If she wants to continue the class, she has to participate properly. Remove that from the conversation. I don't take my kids to TKD and then ask if they feel like doing it. Or do you mean you ask her at home? She's enrolled in the class so she goes and she dances. If she does not want to and she hates it then you pull her out. You're the M. and you know if the class is right for her or not. Don't ask her at 5.

She spends all day at school listening and following directions. On top of that, she's in a structured activity (dance) and she may just not be ready for that sort of thing. Kids (all ages) need down time, time to play creatively and explore. So give her plenty of opportunities to touch and pick up and play with things - take her on nature walks with a bucket to collect her treasures, bring them home and create something with them (we washed and painted more rocks than you can imagine!), and that will give her a chance to do things without being told "no" so much. Don't take her to stores if you don't have to. Can't you shop during dance class? I don't know why parents stay anyway - it takes away from the teacher's authority and the kids don't know who they should be listening to. That's why parents are supposed to sit far away during soccer games and so on, not be in the classroom all the time (many schools don't let parents volunteer in classes, or at least not in their own children's classrooms), and take a back seat to other teachers, coaches, and so on. So I think it's perfectly normal that she's unfocused on the class or the teacher.

SO either take her out of class for a session and let her do unstructured things, or leave her in class so she's not focused on you.

It's really important that we try not to label our kids, especially our daughters, with terms like "girly girl" - they wind up not choosing some things they might otherwise. I know she doesn't like sports, but a lot of boys don't like them either, and they feel pressured into them! So give her plenty of opportunities for outside play and exercise (just walking or running around is great, same with bike riding).

You're not failing her if one particular activity isn't right for her. She's only 5. I'd stop paying money for stuff and just let her BE, play with a friend, go to the park, do a craft, etc. There's a whole bunch of evidence from educators that too many structured activities for young kids leaves them unable to think creatively or entertain themselves without someone else doing the work. So we've kind of swung too far in that direction anyway - it's fine to break the cycle!

She's 5 so it's all normal.
They get engrossed in things they are doing/watching.
They still need to develop at this age (&beyond). It takes time.
Best thing to do at this time is go over to her when you need to tell her
something, bend down to her level & have her look at you. When they
look at your eyes they can focus on what you're saying. Keep it short
"when this cartoon is over put your shoes on", "after you finish your
lunch we leave to p/u sister" etc.
At this age, classes/sports get tiresome to go to. Once they are there they
usually have a good time.
They are not well enough equipped yet at this age to deal with tiredness,
disappointment, anger etc so they manifest themselves in tantrums. It's
like having a zit.....eventually it pops & oozes. So what do you do with
that normal outlet (tantrum)? You find a way to calm them (talk quietly,
put an arm around them OR get down to their level & say something like
"I know you're tired, I'm just going to grab the milk I need & we'll get out
of here".
Make sure they have time to rest after school. Time to play (they are kids
after all & that is their healthy outlet).
When you take her to dance, step outside & sit out front to check your
phone, read a book, talk to someone etc. No need for you to be in the
room the whole time.
Let her rest BEFORE dance.
Give her a heads up about leaving for dance about 20 mins before you
leave. "Pretty soon we'll be leaving".
Timeouts are most effective in diffusing tantrums because they get a safe,
quiet place to calm down. Set a timer for timeout to end (1min per year
of age so 5 mins for her).
You say she throws tantrums when she's punished. How do you punish?
That could be because they don't see how they got into this mess. They
truly don't understand it yet.
Try to be fair. Try to understand from their cognitive level.
Hang in there. Realize when they are tired, give them chances, try timeouts to diffuse escalating emotional meltdowns.

Do you have to stay where she can see you during dance? When my daughter did dance all of the parents were expected to sit in the hallway where we weren't seen.

With my almost 5 year old I sometimes have to get nose-to-nose with him and put my hands on his cheeks I get his attention. He old me is week that I is just too hard to lay attention to me. He gets so wrapped up in what he is doing that he has sective hearing. I'd like to say it disappears, but my just turned 7 year old still ignores me sometimes.

You need to be consistent with immediate discipline.

Pair your rules with consequences. Don't touch things in the store. If you do we will have to leave. Then if she does it, you know what you need to do. Immediately.

A rule in my house is that it's ok to cry if you need to. But all crying is done in your room. So as soon as a temper tantrum starts, the child goes to thir room. They can't come out until they are done crying. I stay downstairs and ignore it. Tantrums without an audience are useless so my kids gave up on them pretty quickly. (And believe me, they threw a couple doozies to see if I was serious about ignoring them. It's not easy but you have to be strong. )

It's not going to be easy because you've given her 5 years to learn that she can manipulate you. But it's better to take it on now and not wait until she's 12.