Four Y/o Acting Out When Dad Is Gone

It's hard on everyone when Dad is away a lot. Noticed something similar with my (now) 5-year-old daughter. There can be several reasons for this:
a) He's mad that Dad is away so much.
b) He is seeking your attention.
c) He is having a developmental problem.
At 4, he should be able to answer if he's sad that Daddy is not home. If that won't or can't change, I've explained that to my preschoolers and then have tried keeping them busy. Some might disagree with that, but it helps my family. We three would go on fieldtrips, do crafts, invite over friends. Special outings are used as incentives for good behavior, like parktime.

He could be seeking Dad's attention or YOUR attention. You wrote that you have a 15-month old, who I'm sure requires a great deal of Mom right now. If Dad is the one who keeps up with him and you're with the baby girl, your son might feel like you love the daughter more. Some children will take negative attention over no attention, and some don't have the words to express their anger, disappointment, frustration with having too little time with a parent. I try to get them to realize that positive attention is so much more enjoyable. You could issue a game or activity that is done only when Dad is away, like baking or crafts or board games. Not sure when Dad is out, but if your daughter goes to sleep shortly thereafter, that makes the time even more special because it's now "Mommy time."

I have to add that routine and consistency are so important for preschoolers. I didn't realize how much so until my daughter went to a preschool camp. Knowing what's happening next gives them a sense of control and order. When Dad leaves, your son's sense of order could be off balance, and he might be having a hard time adjusting.

If it's a developmental problem, you will have to talk to pediatrician and/or Early Intervention team to assess him. Before that, though, try to get him to see that he's the oldest and is needed in the family. He sets the tone for the family. We used Dad's absence as a time to teach our son responsibility. Of course, he didn't understand what that meant, but we kept teaching it. We taught him that as the oldest his behavior taught his sister how to act. When Dad had to leave, he'd say "you're the man of the house when I'm away." (Of course, he couldn't really do much, but I noticed he'd stick out his chest and say "Aye, aye, sir.") Talk to your husband. It must be a male thing. My son is now 10 and is very helpful and mature. (Not perfect, by any means.)

And, try to get Dad in the habit of spending one-on-one time with either of them. My children are older and I now make the time extra special so the other child doesn't feel left out. That child is having time with MOMMY. (Even though I'd love to just take a nap!) It's a balancing act. But, once my children were all filled up and reassured that no one had abandoned them, they were better able to separate and play on their own, which is when I really can take a break.

Hello. I'm Ji-yun. I have 10 year old boy and 5 year old boy. The 5 year old boy was similar to your son. Now, I have a fantastic way to help him pay attention to me. Actually, I am not sure it is a right way in an educational view point or not. However, I can control my son's behavior better than before.
I am using a point system. When he gets a point, he can use the point as a right to request me to do something for him or with him. Of course, I do not mean that he can request me to do everything. He has just two different choices. The one is to ask me to play his favorite video game with him. The other choice is to request me to lift him up and carry him in my arms. One point means the right to one video game round or the right to 10 seconds in my arms.
One day, I found he really likes both of them. On the contrary I don't like them that much. My husband likes to play the video game with him or by himself. Sometimes my son shouts “daddy is better than mom”. When I told him to go to bed, brush the teeth or eat vegetables, he used to shout “I don't like mom!” Now, he does those things such as eating vegetables voluntarily to earn the points. Besides, he really likes to save the points. That's why he does not urge me to lift him up and carry him in my arms frequently. When he urges me and when I do that, it means he consumes the points. One round of Playstation game does not last long. It takes just for 1-2 minutes. Ha ha. That is because he is superior to me in the game. I can't match him.
At first, I used a different set of points. I failed in that system. When he did good things, I gave a point. He was allowed to play computer games or video games with the points. But, sometimes he played the games without points and I couldn't control the violation of the point rule. That's why I introduced another point system as I mentioned above. Even though he wants to play the video game with me without points, he can't do that without my help. He likes to play video games with me more than to play them by himself. This way is not perfect. However, I feel it works.
Good luck~

Ji-yun
____@____.com

Sounds like he is wanting daddy attention. I think daddy needs to be the one to talk to him and explain where he is and when he will return and that it is important for him to listen to mommy. We are military and we have delt with then many times with all the children. It also helps if daddy leaves a note for him or something special or instructions on just for the little one. He feels the daddy has left him. If he feels his dad has given him a job and will be checking when he returns he will feel more connected because he has helped his daddy out and he will feel important and apart of the process and not just someone left behimd.
T.

I completely agree with what Angela B wrote.

My husband travels often for work, and when he goes, my 9-year-old has had temper tantrums, tells me she hates me, etc. Once I realized she was feeling lonely and left out (she has a 3-year-old sister who has special needs and takes a lot of my time) I started doing whatever I could to fill up her "emotional well", which for her meant a lot of one-on-one time with Mommy (usually during her sister's nap, or after her sister went to bed.) Getting that extra time with me helped immensely.

I also support whoever suggested their dad spend as much quality time with them as well and whoever said doing fun things together to distract the kids about the father's absence. That has helped us, too.

Good luck, L. E (wife, writer and mom to two girls, 9 and 3)

You have a lot of long responses here, so I will try to be brief.

My 4 year old son has been challenging us a lot lately. I read about it, and 4s are somewhat a return to the 2s with more weapons in the arsenal. So some of this is likely developmental. Some of it is probably missing daddy or not liking the change in schedule too.

I say this, because it does help me to remember that my kid is not doing this to be a bad kid, he is not doing to hurt me, he is doing for age appropriate reasons.

That said, how to nip it in the bud, and teach the right behavior. I struggle with this a lot.

However, I have noticed with my son that when I yell, it ramps up the behavior, and the meaner I get the worse he acts. I have seen first hand the power of positive reinforcement.

The other thing I would suggest is talking with your son. When he is calm and dad is around, but not in the room, ask him if he can tell you about how he acts when dad is not home. (Asking why always leads my son to say dunno so I ask him to tell me about...) You can help if he won't remember and supply specifics. Ask him what he thinks you should do when he leaves time out, why he is put in time out etc. They are refreshingly honest at this age, and he may surprise you. See if he has a solution, or at least see if you can get him to come to some agreement with you. That way, the next time he acts up, you can remind of the converstation, and what your agreement was.

I also find it helps to talk to my son the day before about the next days schedule, and maybe you can get him in on planning what he wants to do while dad is away. That sense of control is important, and if they feel they have control in some aspects of their life, and that you are working with them, they are much less likely to challenge you. Sometimes all the acting up is frustration at not having any control over any decisions.

Good luck, this was longer than I planned. It is not easy, and I am very much a work in progress.

I think this is normal. Even when my friends are over with their kids, we notice that as soon as a male walks in the house, they are better behaved. I lose my mind when my husband is not home, and he walks in the door and all 3 of my kids sit down and play nice, for the most part. I think it has to do with how the kids perceive the disciplinarian (spelling?) and how you play or interact with them. But he is 4, and that is simply a 2 year old with a mouth, I know I have one too :). I think just sticking to your guns is the best. Even if it is negative attention. Try to get a lot of play in and positive things to tire him out, which I'm sure you do. But keeping him active might make it easier for him to listen. Good luck! I'm in the same boat with you :).

It's because of two things. First it's because he's missing his daddy he's not happy about him leaving. Next it seems to me daddy is enforcing the rules. He seems daddy leave and knows now all bets are off. He can do what he wants and gets away with it. What you need to do is have a good look at what you do differently when daddy is home and not home. They should be the same. If daddy is the one making him go to the corner for things or punishing him or giving treats for doing well than you need to line up with that. Either by not doing when daddy is home or doing it when he's not. Children see all. They notice things we don't. So if not following directions the first time is punishable when daddy is home is something you don't do when he's not home you either need to stop when daddy is home or start doing when he's not. It doesn't need to be the same punishment but effective. I noticed this at that age with my daughter. It seemed right when daddy left my daughter would almost completely turn right to me and do something she wasn't supposed to. I hated it. But when i realized he punished her for not following my directions i figured it out. I would see what he did and when i said to do something i did the same thing. Sent her right to her room (remember you may be female but your still stronger than your 4yr old) Even at 6mo. pregnant i can pick my 6yr old daughter up by one arm and bring her to her room. I'm not a big woman but i make myself do it when i need to. It stops everything every time. I use surprise to my advantage. I don't give any indication I'm about to punish. You shouldn't need to. You don't want them to follow directions because of they will get sent to their room you want them to follow your directions out of not knowing what will happen...lol I've gotten where i say "1" and the direction is followed EVERY Time. She doesn't know what I'll do. I change it up every time. Good luck.

Be strong,

dont do andything out of anger, use a firm voice with your child tell him you dont accept any behavor other than good behavior.

he is rebelling because his dad is not home.

everytime he gets out of your time out dont talk to him just put him back and keep doing that untill he sits there for his time. this may take all day but you have to show him YOU mean it. and not daddy.

my son is almost 3 and i am already having this problem. infact he can have a mean temper. and i do find that when i shout it makes things worse. but he also does realy test me. to the point where i just want to cry.

tell your son once he has served his time out that you love him and that you respect him and you are teaching him that you love him.

well i need to go and pick up my hubby from work. i hope that this has helped

Now that you've explained that you also have a 15 month old girl, I believe that is exactly what the problem is for your 4-year old. He may not feel that he is the center of attention anymore, and by all that is Holy, he will get his attention one way or the other. So, your son may need to have you to himself for a little while... without sharing the time with his little sister. I know, you've got two now and just not enough time in the day. But as mothers do, you will work it out. Your son need some "mommy and me" time, too. Try it!