Frustrated!! - Omaha,NE

This can be very frustrating my son also has similar issues I keep hopeing he is just a very active boy. We have found some relief in baby einstein movies and trying to take as much that he can get in trouble with out of the room he spends his time in. We have found the less we stress the better behaved he is and vice versa. So if he doesn't have to many options to get into trouble he seems calmer. He still bites and pulls hair and screams, but it is much much less.....Hope this was helpful a little....

I'd make sure that he's not tired or hungry first. Think about the time of day this occurs. If it's more of attention getting for him, may be if you just walk away. I'd bet that as soon as he was alone he'd quit. Sometimes kids do things just to get and audience not necessarily defining that it's negative (or positive) attention. Just so long as you're NOT doing something the the baby.

Hello Kim,
As some of the moms have said this isn't very uncommon for a 3 1/2 year old, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, first figure out what triggers it, is it worse during certain times of the day? After you have figured this out you might see what triggers it. Just from reading what you wrote he sounds frustrated. Try to come up with things he less likely to not succeed at. Like blocks, were you can build something that has no set rules as how to do it, if what he makes falls and he gets angry let him know that it is okay we can try again, I did things like this with my know 6 year old who was a lot like your son, It took time but he slowly stepped out of the " I have to do it right all the time mode". Also involve him in the baby, as much as he can and wants to be, and lots of praise about what a wonderful big bother he is will also help.

Now to the temper tantrums, as with my son, time outs at that age did not work, they do now but not then, And he was really the only one of all seven of mine who on some level they didn't work , so I had to be a whole lot more creative. We started taking toys away, if he picked up his toy and threw it, into a box for goodwill it went and don't give it back. Samething applies to the temper tantrums pick up a toy and say "you have one minute to stop????" whatever the behavior is, set a timer if it doesn't stop put the toy in the box, and repeat the process untill he does, once I had the behavior under control I allowed my son to earn the toys back. I can't remember how long it took, I think it was about a week, maybe two. You decide how long he has to be good to earn the toys back, for me it was every 3 days not to long but long enough for a little guy. And I still applied the technique during those times. I hope I gave you a different idea, remember every little one is different what works for one doesn't work for another.

Side note here, I love your kids names. Good Luck!

Hi, K.. Wow! I can totally understand your frustrations! Just as an idea, you might want to look at the kinds of foods he's eating, even though you might not think there's a connection between food and behavior. Stuff with red and yellow dyes has been shown to increase tantrums and anger and hyperactivity in kids. A friend of mind had firsthand proof of this when she removed these items from her young daughter's diet. It might at least be worth a try for a while to see if there is any difference in your son's demeanor. Here is my friend's experience (I posted this story in a response to someone else's recent situation, and I'll post it here, too):

"About a week ago, shortly after asking your advice, we decided to take red and yellow dye out of Lily's diet. It has helped so much, but I wasn't positive of how much until last night.

Yesterday we had a treasure hunt and for the treasure I had absentmindedly picked up a candy necklace (I know, bad mom!). I realized it as we unwrapped it and we made the mistake of saying "well, we can't take it away from her now". Stupid! Stupid!

Last nigher her temperament was awful. She got upset because I gave her a small piece of bagel and not the whole bagel. She threw the small piece across the room and started to yell violently at me, then clench her fists and finally, began hitting me.

I calmed her by telling her that the red dye was making her sick (we discussed this before taking it out of her diet and told her that the red dye was making her sick in order for her to relate well).

This morning she has been angry too. I tried to give her pretzels and after appearing to initially accept them, vigorously pushed them away saying she didn't want them. So, I told her that we would let Stella have them. Lilly then grabbed the bowl, grabbed a couple of pretzels and stomped off. All with the anger radiating through. I took the pretzels away and swatted her bottom (no flaming please). That threw her into a rage (swatting her bottom does not usually put her into a rage, just so you know). A minute or so later I went into the living room where she had gone. She proceeded to yell at and hit me.

I held her close and calmed her down again by letting her know that the red dye was making her sick.

It is really amazing to me how just a very small amount of red and yellow dye can have such a profound effect.

I will let you all know how the acupuncture visit goes next week. Thanks for the support. It appears we have found the culprit."

Peace and best wishes,
K.

Growing kids God's way
http://www.gfi.org/

Love and Logic
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

These are both great resources for parenting. One is spiritually based and one is psychologically based. Both offer good suggestions that fit you and your parenting style. You are the one who knows your son best, and you know what you need for him. You just need pointed to some tools. Follow your gut and read through the information in these two links, I am sure some tools or suggestions will pop out at you as being appropriate for you and your son.

Cheers to assisting your little guy through this stage of his life in the most graceful way possible.

Personal tip from one mother to another: This too shall pass! Your frustration will only exaserbate his situation. Don't get into a power struggle with him. Remind yourself you wear the pants in the situation! Own your energy and be the one in control. Remove the attention from him by placing him in his room, and not allowing him to participate with others until he decides to behave properly. I found with my son, it was about "being the center of attention" at that age. So anything you can do to remove him from the center until he behaves is a good thing. Teaching him that there are others who matter too is a good thing! I call it "the preciousness of others.

When he is behaving properly, make sure he is VERY involved in what you are doing. Let him help with the baby, send him for wipes, or let him help when you cook, or let him hold the baby (with supervision of course). The key is to get him involved so he feels needed and important :) Then every one is happy!

Best of luck and if you need support just call me.
P. Kerr
Life coach
Boise Idaho
###-###-####
www.lifecoachpaula.com

Create a happy family! And most of all Take good extreme self care of you! If momma isn't happy, no one is happy.

Love and compassion,
P.

My son is 3 years old and he doesn't have any sibilings but he has to attend daycare 5 days a week. He went through some times that he was acting out and I didn't know what to do. So I made a monthly calender for my son and let him know that if he was good all day that he could put a sticker on the date on the calender. He would have a few days here and there that he wouldn't be good but for the most part it worked. I noticed that if I don't give in to him that he will stop whatever he is doing wrong. You might try the calender and stickers and then give him a prize at the end of the month for being a big boy. I hope it works out for you.

K.

Hi K.
Wow you have just described my oldest son to a T. He's now 25, and still has bouts with his younger sister and brother as far as sibling rivalry. I'm not saying this to discourage you, just to say I've been there. He was 19 months old when his sister was born and he actually pulled her arm through the crib and bit it several times. I felt like such an awful parent! Anyway, no great solutions for you except in retrospect I would follow "Parenting with Love & Logic". Get the book on CD so you can listen to it instead of trying to take time to read, which I'm sure you don't have a lot of. Hang in there! You have the best job in the whole world!
J.

As for what the other mom said, she's right--he is only three. This is how most toddlers behave, and it now is compounded by the fact that he is not the center of your attention. Instead of concentrating on the negative,make sure you "catch" him being good and give him praise. Be consistant and persistant in your praise as wll as your discipline.

Good luck! This too shall pass:)

My daughter, who is now four, goes through periods like this herself. Although this is not always the case, often it's caused by something physical that has nothing to do with what she's screaming about. She's a terrible eater, and will eat something like peaches and nothing else, which will make her blood sugar really low. Since I've realized this, as soon as she starts going nuts, I calmly ask her if she's hungry. That's her signal to pause for a minute and think about it. Most of the time she just needs something in her tummy, and when she realizes that, she's able to calm down while we get her something to eat. When I can't get her to calm down, I will give her some water to drink. She's learned that drinking some water will help her calm down, so she'll usually take it, and that gives us enough of a break to figure out what's really upsetting her. (Sometimes she'll even ask for water to help her calm down.) When she won't take the water, I dip my fingers in it, then brush them on her cheek. Sometimes that initially makes her more angry, but almost always it eventually distracts her to the point that I can talk to her again--it literally cools her down. The goal is always to help her figure out what is *really* upsetting her, and then find a way to solve it. Children at this age really have a hard time pinpointing that sort of thing and expressing themselves, and I think it's really frustrating for them.

Of course there are plenty of times when I just have to put her in her room for some cooling down time, like one of the other moms suggested. And there are plenty of times when I need to cool down, too. :) Maybe some of these suggestions will help, though, when time-out doesn't seem to be working.

Good luck!

Everyone else's advice sounds great! I have a 2 year who went through a temper phase for a few months. He still has his moments but it thankfully was just a phase. We learned how changing our attitudes really affects his. We became a lot more positive in our mind and towards him. He only hit me when he got upset. I would be so embarrassed when he did it. I started just picking him up and taking him to his room where he had to stay on his bed until he calmed down. He then had to apologize. After a few weeks, he stopped hitting. He still has his moments where he gets upset when he doesn't get his way, but we noticed it usually was when he was tired. I know how frustrating this can be so just keep positive; it will get better!

First of all, he's 3- that is sometimes the way they act at 3 1/2 siblings or no siblings. My suggestion- what my Pediatrician recommended to me, was more sleep. Tiredness= attitude most times. As far as the time out's you have to hold him from behind the chair so you are not face to face- and so you are not giving much body contact. Good luck with that- time out never worked in my house.

I know it's hard to do but the body hold your doctor described is really the best way to deal with violent tantrems. Do not let him hit or bite you. My youngest son would hit or head butt and I'd have to hold him down until he was calm. He's 8 1/2 now and doesn't show his anger that way. He is still a roller coaster of emotions but if you're consistant, it can be better handled.

He may just be super frustrated and it comes out mad. I know a lot of kids who started having anger problems when they were almost or at three. Their minds want to do a certain thing but they can't make their hands obey. They can't express what they are really feeling so they act out. Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? It really works if used correctly. He may just need a little more discipline.

Good luck!!!!

My oldest does this, I explain that people do not act that way and it is not right. If you get frustrated then you ask for help not pound the keyboard or stomp your feet. I would think that holding him would only tick him off more. I make my son have a "cooling off" period in his room and then I go back and talk to him about appropriate behavior. The cooling off period also worked with my teenage niece. They would set a timer and give her ten to fifteen minutes to cool off before going in and talking to her...usually about what she did wrong, or what happened at school. I find that if I am mad it helps to be allowed to cool off before talking about it. So I do the same for my kids. Tempers are cooler when given the extra time.

I understand what you are going thru, my son was 4, turned 5 a couple of months later, when my daughter was born. He went thru a lot of emotions similar in my opinion to a pregnant woman. When I sat down and really thought about, they say that a husband goes thru a pregnancy with the woman and all the feelings and weight gain and so on, if they have a very close relationship. The way I see it is that my son and I have a very close relationship, so why could he be going thru the same thing? He did eventually come away from all that and calmed down, but once I started thinking that way and tried to find ways to defuse the situation, things came way smoother. One of the ways I did this was by letting him be involved with me and the baby as much as possible, like letting him get diapers or letting him hold the bottle (I had to bottle feed her because of latching on problems) or if it was too ackward to let him hold the bottle, then the three of us would sit together on the couch while she fed. Let me just assure you that at 8 and 3 now, they still are very close, though like all siblings have thier fights. Good Luck!