Frustrated Step Mom

Are you frustrated because she won't come back or because he doesn't seem to care to get her back or because you now have 3 kids and 13 years invested in a man who has created (at least) 5 humans and doesn't seem to care about any of them?
Cause that would help us know for what, exactly, you're seeking advice...

I am having a really hard time having compassion for anyone but these children. You met and moved in with a man who didn't want all three of his kids. Do you seriously see being handed his child, turning around and handing her to his mom as wanting the child? So yeah, he doesn't want her, doubt he wants your kids either. Do you think perhaps this could have an effect on children? I am sure it effects your kids too but it looks different because they have you.

In the end this has nothing to do with you. This ball is all in his court. You are with a loser. Don't blame it on his kids.

I feel so incredibly sad for these children. Describing a child as being 'dumped on you' is a terribly degrading way to look at these needy kids.
The kids need counseling and support.

I'm editing my answer because my original answer is pretty rough and came from a place of anger. I had parents like this and it was abysmal.
Alexis is ignoring you because it's HER MOM, who has done a doozy on the poor girl. Your step-daughter is much too young to fully grasp and accept the ins and outs of that relationship. Her mom didn't want her, but then wanted the twins. What a devastating blow. I'm sure the girl has felt some deep fears about these current encounters. What if she makes a mistake? Will her mom leave her again? She's internalized the blame for her mother's choice, whether or not that is logical, it's what kids do. I speak from experience. I met my bio-dad at 14 and was on my best behavior because I was scared he'd go away-- even though he left before my mother ever gave birth. Totally not my fault, but somehow I felt that I was to blame. Because I couldn't accept the truth about my parents-- that these deeply flawed human beings were what I was made from.

This is huge stuff. She may not have resolution about this until her 20s. I would encourage you to do what my own step-mom did (my bio dad's wife... ) be very patient. Be aware that there's a lot of anger directed at herself and her parents that, as AV pointed out, she's unsafe directing at them so you end up getting it. She's probably very angry that all of this information was put to her at such an early age to make her face a horrible situation and see if from the adult perspective. NO CHILD wants to be told they were unwanted. So much damage is being done here and now her mom does want to pay attention to her (and believe me, this is going to be hairy if she's as fickle as you claim-- I wonder, what's mom needing from this?) and that's got to be a huge emotional burden right now for her. Please get her help.

And for heaven's sake, change your user name and take the kids names out of this.

I read through this twice and still can't understand what you're asking. All I get is that there are five children between four adults who seem to trade them back and forth like Pokemon cards.
Please get your family in to see a counselor, you all need some help, especially the oldest daughter.

Sounds like your husband lost all his kids to both his ex and his mom. Woops! Then one got dumped back on him and you. Her natural siblings were wanted by her mom and she wasn't, but now she's suddenly getting attention from her mom, and now her sketchy behavior is worse than ever.

With her background I would be amazed if she was a happy, well-adjusted teen. Sorry you have to live like this and sorry for the kids. I don't see how you can control a teenager with parents like hers. Your husband, her father, needs to handle this. I'm not surprised he doesn't see it that way.

I'm a stepmother and a mom, so I understand the pressures.

It's hard to know why uncaring biological moms check in and check out with their kids. It's very normal for a teen to be confused about having been unceremoniously abandoned by not one, but two, key women in her life (bio mom, grandmother). You may think she is too little to remember, but she has to know that something was off here. It's completely normal for her to want to be loved by someone who rejected her. She has twin siblings who know the Mom well, and it's actually validating to a 13-year-old mind to have someone love her after all. If sports is the way they can be connected, that's typical.

You want this girl to think she's as much a part of your family as the other kids, but they don't all have the same parents either. So she's searching for her roots, and she's searching for acceptance.

What's missing in this picture is your husband. When the bio mom picks up her daughter, why isn't he the one telling her when he'll pick her up or when she needs to come back? In fact, why isn't he the one talking to his ex about their child? Why does it bother you so much that she is spending 3 weeks during the summer vacation with her mother? You are being ignored and your feelings are hurt, but actually your husband is the decision-maker here unless you have adopted this teen, which you don't say you have.

What is your husband's written custody and support agreement for this child? Was anything put on paper when the child was given up by the mother or when the child was being raised by the grandmother? If not, why not? What about his visitation with the twins? Is that in a court order? What about child support, either his of the twins or the bio mom's of Alexis? If this is not formalized and filed with the court, why not? Without a legal agreement, there is nothing enforceable here - and I'm sorry to tell you that you have no legal rights whatsoever.

The bio mom knows she dropped the ball here for 13 years. Whether she's had a change of heart, or whether the twins are asking questions about their sister, or whether she has some ulterior motive, I have no idea. She may be defensive or sensitive about her lack of involvement. She knows you've been doing all the heavy lifting, and she may be embarrassed about it. Maybe that's why she doesn't speak to you - she's jealous and insecure. But if there's no legal agreement in place, she doesn't have to speak to you at all (and even if there were, the deal is going to be between the ex and your husband, not you).

My suggestion is you let this play out. Either there will be a good relationship between the teen and her mom, which is good for the child, in which case you hold your head up high and support her; OR this will play itself out, softball will end, and the mom will disappoint her and she'll come crawling home devastated, in which case she does not need a stepmom saying "I told you so" or "your mom is a loser", but one who hugs her and says "I'm so sorry you're hurt, honey."

Your focus should be on your own 3 children who may be a little baffled about where this girl has gone, and to reassure them that she loves them and hasn't left them forever, AND on your husband getting involved here about a legally enforceable agreement so that the kid knows where she belongs and that everyone cares about her. If he hasn't contacted her at all while she's at her mom's, that's bad.

But it just can't be about your hurt feelings and you being ignored. I get that's what bugs you, and it would bug me too, but it will backfire on you if you emphasize this. You have to show everyone how to be an adult here, because not everyone has been responsible over the years when it comes to being consistent for these kids.

BTW if you have your real name and your real photo up on the internet, it's best not to use your children's real names in a post. Everyone can identify you, and it's not safe for the kids.

Sorry if I have a few facts wrong ... a bit hard to read in places :)

It sounds to me like Alexis is happy her mother is paying attention to her and is including her in her family.

Which is understandable. I don't get the mother's position or why she didn't want to be involved more (I'm sure that's a whole other story).

This could be a positive thing for Alexis so you might want to try and support it.

However, your husband should have some sort of arrangement set up - he needs to get involved and have plans for this kind of thing. This has to be his doing. I get why you also need to know and it has to be clearly communicated.

Chances are with the mom's track record she might not keep up this level of interest. So Alexis may be disappointed if it doesn't continue. So get your husband involved and have him sort out an arrangement. Custody wise or whatever ... just something that works for everyone. Alexis needs stability.

And for her to ignore you in favor of her mother .. try not to take that personally. The poor kid's mother hasn't shown her a bit of attention over the years. I get why that would bother you where you've raised her, but she's a kid.

Good luck :)

It's really hard when you have been the main parent, and then the parent who couldn't be bothered to do all the hard work comes back into their life.

HOWEVER, this is her biological mother, and she needs to be allowed to have time with her, if the dumb woman is maybe getting her act together. People DO grow up and change.

It's summer, so this is a good time to spend time with her mother. If she is missing "practice" -- (I assume that means she's on a sports team?) -- let her miss practice. It's more important for her to have time with her mother.

It's very, very hard to be the one who does all the hard work and then have another parent dance back into the picture like they never did anything wrong. But you HAVE to be the bigger, better person, and not make a fuss about this.

If the mother is still a flake, Alexis will find out. But if she has changed, and she wants to help and spend time with her daughter, that will be a win-win.

Be polite and friendly, and spend this time parenting your other kids. Teenagers are hard anyway. Enjoy the break.

Your post is really hard to follow.

SO, you had a child and married a man that had three children. One of his children lives with you while the twins live with their mother. You have since had two other children with this man. Your concern is his child that lives with you. Her mother nor her grandmother wanted her. Therefore she lives with her dad and you. She is 13 now and is playing softball. After all these years, now the Mom is trying to step back into the picture and usurp your authority. Do I have that right?

Frankly, I don't think that you do much here. She is 13 and will soon realize what role her mother has played in her life thus far. Your husband needs to go to her and lay out some rules. Does he have custody? I am assuming that he does after all of these years. Unless it is spelled out in the formal custody agreement (you have that, right?) that she spends a number of weeks during the Summer at her mother's house, she needs to come home. Your husband needs to step up and be the one to address this...there is no benefit to you getting in the middle of this.

So what if the mother wants to pretend like you don't exist. She is trying to forge a relationship with her teenaged astranged daughter. Prayerfully this mom is giong to finally be a mom and not a buddy to her first born. It's a win for the mother and for her daughter.

You sound like you have hurt feelings over a kid who is clearly struggling but you have no clue on how to help or how to love her through.

I know you have poured you time into this kid but where is your heart? This child needs unconditional love which she is going to test because ALL of the adults in her young life have treated her like she doesn't count and doesn't matter or at the very least that may be her perception of the events of her life.

Why shouldn't you be the one adult who still loves on her and disciplines her and encourages her and supports her? Perhaps because you are caught up in your own emotions over the events of her life and how you have been pulled into the drama because you choose to stay with her father.

My encouragement to you would be to do everything in your power to stay connected to this girl soon to be young woman. There are plenty of life lessons she will experience and it would be good for her to have someone who is in her corner and not just looking out for their own selffish selves.

Encourage her to have a healthy relationship with her mom or teach her how to navigate a relationship with less than perfect parents.

Counseling will help only when you all do the work.

If she at her mom's or with you two, she will grow up and needs loads of encouragement, support, love and discipline to make it to health and wholeness as an adult. It takes a village. Where's her village?