Getting Along - Reward and Consequence Ideas for Two Teenage Boys

My 12 yo gets very annoyed at his younger brothers for making noise when he is trying to work, etc. I tell him that if he expects quiet, he needs to go to another house. Some things cannot be changed or controlled.

As for them beating on each other... I would try to teach respect. Try to target when this is most happening. It seems like hormones are getting the better of them and they are both trying to find their own place in the family. Let them know it.

Sorry I could not be of more help.

Hi Becky,
I feel for you. My son is 13 (my daughter is 23). Anyway, what I've noticed about my son while driving carpool with three other 13 year old boys(yuk!)is that boys this age are so insecure and hormonal that the way they interact seems to be mostly teasing, insults, etc. None of them is secure enough yet to just be who they are. Give them about five more years.:-) A great book is Get out of my Life, but first can You drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anthony Wolf, PhD. It's great and he is the father of boys (now men). WE need to remember what it was like for us at this age.
You can, say to your boys,"When you hurt each other, I feel hurt." I've also noticed that as my son has gotten older he tends to walk all over me and I rely on his Dad to set limits. At other times he is amazingly sweet and kind. His emotions are bouncing all over the place as I'm sure your sons' are. My husband is a therapist who sees boys in groups in private practice and works at a middle school as a counselor so I trust his advice.
One more resource...Carl Pickhardt, PhD has a GREAT website for parenting adolescents.

Lots of luck to you...I'm right there with you!
D.

The best advice a M. of teenaged boys gave us (it works for girls too) is to put them into an activity that is physically exhausting. She had her guys swimming on a team for 2 hours a day and said it did wonders for their attitudes and hormones were less of an issue. It definitely worked for my daughter and I can tell when she hasn't worked out almost immediately, just by what comes out of her mouth.

Boys jockey off eachother and so our rule (my boys are younger) is that if even one person is not having fun then "game's" over, and if behavior continues then M. steps in.

1. Separate them. 2. If it continues make them sit on the couch together 3. If they can't get along they have to hold hands 4. Still can't get along, have to put arms around each other 5. Still can't get along have to give eachother a kiss. Ok I know this is silly and I haven't used it on teens...but maybe the idea of it makes a point without having to use it. Usually giving each some space helps to stop the behavior for awhile.

My husband has them do chores...I prefer running laps around the house, sit ups or push ups (I don't like associate chores with punishment...)

Its what brothers and sisters do....as long as it doesnt have violence involved. The older my kids have gotten the less bickering and arguing that takes place and the more time they spend together---of their choice. I would always tell them when they were really young there is not one else you can count on like family and the older they get I see them liking to be around each other more and more.
Its natural for them to get on each others nerves and when that happens I always seperated my kids from each other and before long they were over it.

Oh Becky this is such a crappy age! Their hormones are starting to come to life and I am convinced that boys PMS as well. Keep them separated as much as possible. They are changing and their likes and dislikes will change daily. Sometime, my son would just pick on his older sister because he was bored and wanted to "see a show". I just tell them to knock it off and that if it continues they will loose something. My daughter is in college so I don't have this problem as often, just when she comes home! The boys may be doing this to get your attention as well. Like I said, crappy age and they don't even know why they are doing it. Good luck!

Hi Becky,

Welcome to the world of teenage hormones! As a Parent Coach and mother O. teenagers, I can relate.

The best piece of advice I have is to make sure your kids own the problem and suffer from it more than you and your husband do. As much as possible, what happens needs to be a natural consequence of their arguing. Examples might be no time together as siblings or as a family for several days or more. (If you aren't having fun as a family, now is a good time to start because of its many benefits.) The priveledge of family fun time is earned based on behavior.

I'd suggest you and hubby brainstorm ideas to try, considering those in some of the other replies, and then call a family meeting. In the meeting, your kiddos will either participate in deciding how to address this or you and hubby will simply have to tell them what life will be like moving forward.

Remember, too, that kids need a way to work through their excess energy and emotions. Encourage regular exercise and teach them to talk through their issues. Stress relief and conflict resolution are skills all teens and adults need

Whatever you choose to do, remember to be consistant. This way they know you expect things to improve starting now.

Good Luck,
Parent Coach J. B

One thing that worked for me with my daughter when she was that age was if she misbehaved or said no and any other word _______. That the same thing would happen when they wanted something from me. Example going somewhere with friends or see a movie. Boy did it backfire on her several times.....

I'm not sure I really have any "advice" for you... My older sister and I are 1yr and 8 days apart, we did not start getting along until we were very late teens/early 20s. However, in your case you have boys, so I'm not sure how much difference that might make. All the advice I can give you is probably the usuals...when they act up, make them do a chore they hate, or take away something they love. I do know also that you can't make it too long of a punishment, like grounding them for a month (my dad does this to my little sister), by the 2nd week they see no end in sight and the behavior goes right back to where it was. Just remember, you can't make them love each other (or at least act like they do), but you should teach them to respect each other, and if that means to simply stay away from each other, then that works too.

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Ferber is a good read. Also, the chapter on Siblings in Nurtureshock by Bronson is interesting. My kids are still young (both under 2) so I am not sure if their advice works but here is the gist of it: Observational studies show that siblings fight about 3 times every hour together. Only 1/8 result in a compromise, the other 7/8 is over when the stronger (usually older) one gets his way. Siblings are 4X more abusive to each other than to their friends. Ferber's advice is to teach them how to have a win-win situation when compromising. She also says that when they fight about something, you just state the problem like, "So you want the chair but your brother wants to use it too" and then say something like, "That is quite the dilemma, I wonder how you will solve that problem" Then leave the room. Usually by hearing the problem out loud one will realize it was not important after all and give it up or they might try to come up with a compromise. Bronson's advice is to develop a friendship between them by having activities where they work together. Siblings tend to take each other for granted, unlike friends, because they will always be around. This is in the far distance but they say siblings that fight tend to become friends when they move out of the house. It's the siblings that keep their distance or avoid each other that don't become close in the future and will just extend their distance and indifference. My sister and I use to fight like crazy but once we got to college, we became close friends so hopefully that will be true of yours.

We have a son (15) and daughter (13) who fight like cats and dogs even though they used to get along great when they were younger. There are times when we intervene and times we don't. We want them to learn to resolve conflict, maintain self-control, negotiate compromise, etc. In those times where all that goes out the window and we have to step in, we use the Love and Logic as well as 1,2,3 Magic. For consequences we'll either use a boot camp approach or manual labor approach. Sometimes, they just have too much energy that needs to be burned off - hence 'boot camp'. Boot camp equates to cruches (sit-ups), push-ups, running laps - whatever it takes to bring down their energy levels. Manual labor is for those times when they are just being crabby and equates to vaccuuming, cleaning bathrooms, raking leaves, pulling weeds, etc. Sometimes we'll pull privileges like going out, TV or electronics. If I have to go the Manual Labor route, then I usually have to give them jobs where they don't run into each other or else the bickering will continue. Good luck!!!

Sounds a lot like me and my sister were. We didn't start tolerating each other until she graduated from high school; and we didn't start liking each other until after that. Now, I can say she is one of my best friends. My parents were at their wits ends and they were very good disciplinarians! Separate them as much as possible. Allow them to stay apart when they can. When they can't - like in the car - make sure they understand that you won't tolerate any disturbance of the peace. That peace in the family when together is the rule. They don't have to like each other - but they have to foster peace for their parents' sake. When it comes to fostering their relationship - all you can do is repeat things calmly every once in awhile - like he's your brother - you're going to need him someday. Or, brothers don't have to be friends - but they do have to be there when times are tough. Even the Bible teaches that friends are there for you at all times and a brother is there for you in adversity (not at all times). They will get the message and hopefully when times are tough when they are adults - they will be there for each other. But, as for now, don't force them to be friendly - just courteous for peace sake. When, they don't, ground them in some way for a short while. But, don't wait until you lose your temper or it will only be too harsh of a punishment and cause resentment. Give one warning - and then a short but real consequence. Buy some ear plugs for yourself :-). This too shall pass.
Also, my parents speak often of my brothers and they say that they fought all of the time - but if someone else starting picking on one of them, the other would jump in in defense. Just another example of how they may not like each other - but do love each other.
Something that worked for me as a high school teacher - if one insults another - they have to say 5 nice things about that person in order to avoid a punishment. My students would do it because they didn't want the punishment - but it was great! They really did limit their insults. Plus, the compliments have to be about the person - not the color of their clothes, etc.

Youngest 2 are now 16 and 17. Sometimes they argue. Sometimes they try to get physical and it's very scary, b/c they are strong enough to hurt each other. Car trips used to be terrible. They'd get tired and start to argue. My husband would turn around and say, "I'll bet you 2 could even compete at seeing who can breathe BETTER!!" And he wasn't joking....

My husband gives them extra chores (not their normal stuff) when they don't solve their problems with words.
They are certainly old enough to use words and solve their dispute!
I make them talk it out and apologize to each other. Our neighbors made their 13 and 14 year old boys sit on the couch and hold hands. Oh, how they hated that.

There is a lot of competition between brothers starting in the teens. It's the alpha dog thing, I guess---who is tougher. Best way to help prevent that & you can begin today: do not compare them to each other. Nothing like, "well your brother has no problem getting hi homework done." Comparing them to each other can make them real angry at the other.
Encourage their different skills and abilities. It's a lot more work to run them to different places, but it's very important!!! We had one play basketball and one swim and it was a pain got get them to different places on the same day. It was important for them to have different friends and participate in a physical activity they enjoyed!!! One loves Math, the other loves History, one is in Chess club, one is Vice President of the Senior class. Look for the way your kids are different and encourage those differences without comparison and judgement.

12 and 13 is a tough age for boys. They are awkward and very moody. My boys are now 19 and 17. The best thing you can do is to try not to solve the issues for them. Let them work it out. My boys get along MUCH better now, ever since the younger one FINALLY had enough one day and gave the older one a black eye. I had always told them it was going to happen. And when it finally did, the older one gained alot of respect for his younger brother. Especially since he had to go to school and explain that his black eye came from his younger brother!
Kids work it out. As the M., it is heart breaking because you think they really hate each other. They don't. They rely on each other more than you know.
Be their constant ever loving M.. Remind them how much you love your family. We eat dinner together as a family almost every night. We talk and laugh and spend time together. We play board games and cards. I promise it gets better! Good Luck and God Bless!!

Hi Becky,
I am a parent educator, an occupational therapist and a M.. Sibling rivalry and fighting seems to be the biggest issue that some families face. I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it, and I applaud you for asking for ideas about this challenging situation.

I would guess that the escalation of the behavior in the middle school years has something to do with the additional pressure/culture of middle school and/or hormonal changes.

I totally support setting limits around what you are willing to be exposed to in your own home. However, sometimes taking an only consequence/reward stance does little to actually teach the kids the skills that are needed to resolve conflict and to manage angry feelings. Wearing my OT hat now, these skills: peaceful conflict resolution, calming down when angry, as well as empathy and consideration for others' (your) feelings are life skills just like learning to do laundry or balance a checkbook and are needed to be successful in life.

Here is an article by Kathryn Kvols author of Redirecting Children's Behavior on sibling rivalry. I think it geared to parents of kid's a little younger than yours, but the concepts can be modified for older children.
http://incaf.com/articles/Help!_My_Children_Are_Fighting.pdf
You can find Kathryn's book on Amazon or and incaf.com and there are several folks in the Austin area who teach the course which addresses these issues in the first class of the series.

There are also some really excellent stress/anger management tools that could help if that is the direction you want to go. Feel free to contact me if you would like these resources as well.
Blessings to you and your family,
K.