Getting Dad Involved

I agree with Kim V., leave the baby with him and go see a movie. He's a grown man, he can take care of his child. If you have doubts, run through the routine with him and get everything prepared for him before you leave. That's what I did. Now Daddy takes care of Baby all the time, giving me the break I need.

In my experience the only way to do is to do it. A few nights of wrecked routine will just be the price you pay. Those fathers can amaze even themselves when you're not in the house.

WEll I read a few responds and well have to agree it is time for you to get out and Dad will do fine. It will give him the confidence he lacks and you as well.And what a time to bond. And Iam sure your 13 year old to would love that bonding time with you. Have fun!!M.

I have found that for our kids, it doesn't matter if the routine is the same between parents. Our kids love it when the other parent puts them to bed, even though it's different. We've always just had our own special thing and it has worked for our two. Have fun with your older one, and don't worry about the baby while your out. She'll survive and probably really enjoy the time with daddy. Our younger son strongly prefers me, so whenever I get home he starts crying really hard and he has always done this, but everyone assures me it only started when he saw me. I say go for it and have fun!

Positive feedback! Tell him over and over what a great job he is doing, "wow, look how she's smiling at you.." "I love seeing you two together", etc.
I am not sure immersion therapy is a great idea for Dad or the baby. You wouldn't want to come home and hear him say, "whoa, never doing that again!" I would start with letting him handle the baby while you are home but not near him. Put her down and say, " I need to go do this or that" and walk away...he'll get the idea. and if she fusses, well, either let them figure it out or yell out "can you get her, i am in the middle of something". Find ways for him to help...even if you have to make them up at first....=-)
You need to be his cheerleader on all things baby right now. I mean, how would you feel if he handed you a wrench and said, go fix the car, i am going out (substitute any situation in case I am not being PC)?
good luck!

You are such a great mom for recognizing that in order to take care of someone else that you have to take care of you too. Mom's lose this focus A LOT (including myself). We always want to make sure that our babies are not crying and not out of their routines so that they can be comfortable. Something that I realized with my first child is that it was ok for my husband to figure out his own way of doing things. When I left them together things did not always go as smoothly... and I was convinced if he would just follow my way of doing things that things would be easier for him to keep her. Luckily he is pretty stubborn too and I was surprised to realize that he can learn through the whole taking care of a baby just like I did. It was really good for him to figure out how to care for her in his own way. Funny enough I found that things that didn't necessarily work for me DID work for him. He found ways to make her laugh and smile, eat and sleep that I would have never thought of. Because of him being able to do this they have been close ever since (she is now seven). Funny but there are a lot of times now that I come to him to try to figure out what to do because he know he understands her in a diferent light then I do. I have followed suit with my second daughter and she is now three. I wouldn't trade the relationship that he has with them for anything. Dads really do care for children different than mom but just as well. I REALLY enjoy my downtime too. Since I am with them all day it is nice to know when I go out for an evening that I know he is confident in caring for them. So long story short is give him the opportunity to be alone with her regularly and to care for her (including bedtime). If he gets frustrated that things are not easy encourage him. Give possible suggestions of how to make things easier but don't get frustrated if he doesn't follow. This is how we gain our confidence as moms is by spending time getting to know and understand our children and when we are frustrated we feel better with encouragement to try new ways and just keep trying. Eventually he will be a pro and really love the relationship that he has with your daughter. Good luck!

I took a class while nursing and dad took care of our daughter. There were a few nights I came home and baby was crying and dad was pouting. I always reminded him if he felt short and angry to put the baby down and let her cry. She was safer and more comfortable than if he were to hold her with tension. Now he realizes that she won't break and they get along great. Actually, when he comes home, she wants nothging to do with me and cries for daddy's attention. I am glad she has that relationship with her dad.

I am telling you TAKE THE TIME! It's the hardest thing you will do and your heart will hurt, but if you don't you will resent your husband. Even though I allowed my husband (who is also a wonderful caring husband and father) to get away with it I did resent him. You need your time and he made the choice to make the baby he needs to step up and do his part. He wants to he is just scared and you think everything has to be done just so. Let it go focus and your needs and your fun and that baby and daddy will be just fine together just be prepared for your cell phone to ring ALOT the first time and try and wean him down and time goes on.

Good luck I have been there.

I know it will be difficult, but maybe the only way for the two of them to bond more, for him to feel more comfortable and for your daughter to not want you is indeed for you to not be around? I still battle this with my 17 month old daughter. She loves her Daddy & he adores her, but generally if I'm around she insists that everything is about Mommy(I stay home with her). We have battled severe separation anxiety as well. My husband has told me several times that once I'm gone & my daughter calms down she is just fine w/o Mommy there. Maybe you could do a trial run sometime during the day for just a couple of hours so you don't ruin your bedtime routine?
Good Luck!

H.,
You will just need to take the plunge, so to speak!
Tell your husband that you are going out next week on such and such night and that he will be in charge of the baby. Tell him that over the next couple of nights you will help him out, to get him "ready" to be left alone with the baby.Then you need to do it! The baby schedules might be messed up but you need and deserve to have time alone with your older daughter! Then you will be able to take time out for yourself a little more often. Also praise your husband while you are helping out. Yes he will be stressed but he needs to step up and help not just support! Good luck and be strong! K.

I would tell him only the important things, such as she needs to eat at 6pm and have a bath. She should go to bed around so and so time, and then let him handle it. He'll figure it out and it'll probably make him more confident if he can try to figure things out his way. And don't worry about routine, one night isn't going to throw her off for life. You and older daughter go have fun while your husband bonds with the baby!

Hi H.,
I think the best way to give your husband confidence in taking care of the baby is to just let him do it. Leave him instructions on when the baby needs to be fed, etc. but then leave. He'll figure it out. They all do. Good luck.

you just need to do it whether or not he is scared. it is his daughter too. my son and his wife had a baby in june. i babysit. they both work and both come during their lunch hours she at 12 and he at 5 ( he's a police officer). he has a weird schedule that changes shifts every 3 months or so and he never works the same days each week. i took a voluntary leave of absence for a year to take care of the baby. they are struggling to make ends meet so i knwo that my babysitting helps but i still charge them $400 a month so that they get used to paying something. ( i put the money in a 529 college savings for the baby) he wasnt breastfed so that is not his excuse. i think that when the baby came, he wasa preemie and was in the hospital for a month before comng home so he really didnt bond with the baby. i dont think either of them did. and when he did come home, there was a flurry of visitors and family at tht house so he didnt get much time with the baby. so i have asked my son to watch the baby on his days off. the first wasa idsaster. the baby cried and cried and he finally called at about 10 and asked if i could coe see what was wrong. i fed the baby and gave him his bath and then left. (he thought i was going to take him) the next time he called twice with questions and that was it. it has been a month and he has been taking care of the baby two days a week on his own. with only an ocasional call to have the baby say hi to his meemaw. i think he is starting to enjoy being with the baby. so you kind of have to jsut throw them into it feet first. my son was so scared at first. i wrote everything down that i did for the baby with detailed instructions. i put it in photo album the kind that you can slip index cards into the plastic sleeves. it shas also been helpful for the babysitters they hire ocassionally on weekends. i go through it every two weeks or so and update it and save the old cards for his scrapbook. my boys are also 13 yrs apart. and the best thing about that is.. no sibling rivalry and eventually a babysitter. my oldest son is my youngest's hero . and lately my oldest has been wishing he had done some of the things that young son is doing now.

Hey there,
Your request caught my attention because I am always hearing everyone says how lucky I am to have a husband who is so involved with raising our son.
I have an 8 month old son and from the time I was pregnant we discussed how important it would be to have us both play a big part in his life. It was very important to me for him to have a father who he has a good relationship with because I grew up with an abusive father, as a child, and then not really having a dad threw my later years as a child and teen.
Anyhoo, i'm afraid you will have to brake your routine with your daughter if you want things to change, and then just build up a new routine. If your husband seems lost on how to care for her then I would suggest spending time with all 3 of you together but letting him get in on a little more of the work.
I had a full time-job before I was pregnant and now I am a Consultant with the Pampered Chef. On the evenings when my husband is home (he works nights) I have him watch our son and spend some quality time with him while i make phone calls and work in our office. This is a great way to have him start learning to take care of your daughter his way and learn her routines, what she likes, and slowly move himself into that world, while having you right there to make sure all is going well.
Also he will be able to build a bond with her that is important. Just an example for ya of something we do that works and then when you need to go out for the evening you don't feel that its such a big leap to leave the two of them together. Hope this has helped some.

My advice would be to just do it. Plan your night and tell your husband what needs to be done. Trust him and maybe this will get him more involved once he realizes he can do it. In doing so, you have to be flexible and realize that it might not get done exactly the way you would do it. I mean of course he'll feed her and put her to bed, but you just can't sweat the small stuff. Whenever I leave my baby with my husband, I tell myself that he'll be alive when I get home, and that's the important thing. Good luck and have a fun girls night out!

Hi H.,

I read that you should breastfeed before offering breakfast but I tried that and sometimes my daughter did not want food. Then I tried food first and the breast after. I had mixed results. For us , it depends on how hungry she is. If she is starving, the breast gets her through, I wait a little while then fix breakfast. That seems to work well. If she is not starving, I will give her breakfast and wait for her to have the breast.

As you can see, it just depends. You will figure out what works for you. I don't think there is a set way to do it. Every day may be a little different depending on how both of you feel.

Hope this helps,

D.