Getting My Husband to Help More

I stayed at home briefly between semesters at school and it was the hardest-and worse-thing I have ever done. I was exhausted and moody. My husband understands how hard it is. However, he gave me attitude a few times about the house being this or that when I first started staying home. In return I went away for a night and left the kids with him all day Saturday and Sunday. That changed his mind real quick. To this day he does a little over half of the child care and housework (I don't do dishes or dirty diapers :P).

i know how you feel my man is the same i will ask him to watch the kids while i go to walmart and he is usually asleep on the couch no matter what time of day it is , and the kids have the house distroyed ! it only takes one min. for them to get into something dangerous even though our house is baby-safe still ! they have learned to unlock the front door , who know when they will attempt to go out ! they are almost 3 (twins) we have just put a long on the top of the door! i would suggest to play dumb as i do , saying Honey or (bob) can you please help me with feeding i have a really bad stomach cramp ! i hope im not pregnant ! (ha) that will get him moving ! or if its a cleanup type say can you do this (what ever house chore) and say im so tired or i have to catch up on some homework and or maybe rub his feet or something later ! its really hard i know - i usually make a list of 3-5 things and say sometime before you go to bed can you please do this for me and usually its done with a complain or a smerk but it gets done ! i hope i can help again ! j

I have the same problem. I am a SAHM while my husband works full time. I tell him I work 24 hours a day with the kid. I am exhausted. My mom finally suggested and I have found to be the only thing that works is to just leave. Flatly tell him you are going to the store, going shopping, or whatever and leave the kids with him. Im not sure what to do about the falling asleep thing. Mine would fall asleep to or he just leaves the baby in the crib screaming while he ( husband) falls asleep somewhere else. I think if they are predispositioned not to be that helpful with the kids, then all the talking in the world will not change that unless he decides to change. I have talked to my husband until I am blue in the face and he thinks he does enough. If you have talked over with your husband your concerns (Im sure you have, its hard to hide) then he probably won't just change with something magic you do. Good Luck and let me know if you do find something that works.

Your husband wants to stay a child. He doesn't want to except that he has a family and now he must be responsible. Ask him to grow up. And tell your husband not to worry, he will make a great dad! Just take a chance.

Being a stay at home can be rough and tiresome. However so can the burden of working and going to school. Sometimes it not what you say, but how you say it. For instance instead of... "Will you take out the trash?" try "Honey, I would really appreciate it if you would take the trash out for me." I curious where your son sleeps at and if he is in a controlled area (where he can't get hurt). If so, it may be best to let him play. Since he see's dad as the unathoritative source, he will soon gather that mom nor dad are buying into his behavior pattern. When he pulls stunts like this try to keep him awake and stimulated most of the next day. By nightfall he'll be ready for bed. Also this time in your life by default is a time of roughness and one of divorce (after your first child. Communication is the best source. Ask how he feels about the situation and let him explain without interruption, then explain how you feel. Sometimes men who do not stay at home doesn't understand the workload. Don't forget to love, take baby to Granny's and go to a movie, although we ALL think that once the kids come along it's "devotion to them" if we do not take care of ourselves and our relationships and mend the broken, we will not know our spouse when the kids have flown the nest. As far as "dad" being the playmate, I think that's ok. It will be one memory that baby will always remember. At least dad is there, and that continuing will be the most importatnt thing. One of these days the ideas will shift and it will focus on hunting or fishing or whatever your husbands hobbies are. Just think of it this way he could be out with his buddies leaving baby wondering "where is daddy?" And on a last note, you will be crying the day you realize that "your baby" no longer needs his momma and becomes that independent 4 year old who is starting school in August. Good Luck and dont forget positive communication is the key to all successful relationships and families.

JP

J.,

My husband does much better with helping me if I give him specific tasks. Unfortunately they don't help if they are not asked to. I used to go crazy over him walking over messes and leaving everything for me to take care of and then he told me that he doesn't see things the way I do to just tell him what to do. For a while we had a chore list on our fridge!

We have a schedule now that we follow and that way we both a get some time off. I usually take care of dinner while my husband is responsible for bath time. I learned really early on it's better to just tell him what I need him to do and he almost always does it.

Hope this helps!

Hi J.,
Have you thought about buying your husband a vitamin to boost his energy? I mean if he is too tired to exert energy into being a dad there is a medical reason for him being so tired. his part time job and schooling, shouldn't be making him that tired!!!! atleast at his job and at school he is legally allowed break time, being a full time mother you dont get breaks and thats not fair to you or the child. you are just as tired he is, considering you have to be at your job 24 hrs a day, atleast daddy gets to clock out at work, you dont even get that! You and your baby deserve breaks from each other, and if you cant trust the dad to keep the child safe while you get a break what good is he doing you or the child? good luck!

During my time off after our baby was born, my husband had the same attitude that he worked while I was at home 'on vacation'... Things definately improved when I went back to work, however, during all of that I found that giving him a 'choice' between chores works pretty well.

First you state the things that need to be done as fact, then give him a choice.

For example after dinner - I will say "The dishes need to be done and the baby needs to be given a bath - which one would you rather do - the dishes or the bath?". Usually he will make a choice between the two evils without too much grumbling and if he does complain later - I bring up the fact that he 'chose' to do that task...!

I'm not saying it ALWAYS works, but it has been much more successful than just saying "I need help with the housework". It also helps to have an easier option and slightly harder one - knowing he will take the easiest - but it is better than no help at all. Keep in mind though that men do not 'multitask' well so start slow and make him think he's getting out easy! Good Luck!

You just need to break it down to him that you need help. My husband is a full time Air Force officer wearing several hats at the office right now and I am a fulltime college student/housewife and there is not a day that goes by that my husband does not help out around the house. He really only has 3 chores and that is taking out the garbage, helping with put up the laundry and running the dishwasher. If he slacks off I will take the reins but if it happens too many times in a row he is searching for clean underwear!!! You guys are a team; not your the team and he's the coach!! You just need to talk to him about it.

My biggest advice to you..is either you have a regular routine where hubby has to watch hime for a few hours at a time....it could be a very very part time job..or a lunch date with pals or something...mine use to go on about how much freedom i had b/c I was home with my son...so i found a very part time job..so now hubby watches him one or 2 days a weeks...that finally opened his eyes...yes he isn't perfect but he doesn't throw up to me i have all the time in the world...and he helps ouot a little more...we will see how he is when our second is born this summer...

J.

I have the same porblem with my husband we have been married for 4 years but we have been together for 12 years when we first moved in together 6 years ago he was great with helping out with the kids and the house and now it seems since we got married 4 year ago that he don't have to do anything anymore his idea of helping is getting are oldest son to do it I don't know about him but I did not have kid to make them my slave don't get me wrong they have chors but I would like for my husband to chip in also and not make our kids do it all

Sounds like you need a cattle prod or taser gun. Tell your husband that you are not the slave and that when you signed up for marriage it was supposed to be a 50/50 contract, not 90/10.

Have your husband lay down on the floor with your son in a baby proof, gated area. That way he can sort of fade in/out with baby crawling all over him.

When he comes home, take a break. Hand him baby and go grocery shopping by yourself or go lay down and take a nap. Say It is your turn. Constantly tell baby that he is 50 percent daddy and 50 percent Mommy and that you love him equally. Be sure to say this deliberately in front of your husband so that he gets a hint.

Sometimes I will send my boys on errands with dad so I can have a quiet house to do my chores. I tell my husband that it is father/son bonding time and everyone thinks a dad with a baby looks so cute. Make sure baby is dressed in a cute outfit. Tell your husband how much the baby looks so handsome like his daddy and wouldn't he like to show him off.

Assign chores to your husband. My husband usually will do the dishes and the laundry. Tell him that you are having back pain and you need his big strong and sexy muscles to help with some of the heavier chores like mowing the lawn. Be sure to thank him when he does do some chores and tell him how lucky you are to have such a strong, sexy, and sweet provider to help you and the baby. Be sure to reward him affectionately when he does a chore. (positive reinforcement) Men eat this stuff up typically.

If this doesn't work, and if he is not obsessive, you can always make him a little jealous by comparing him to your friends husbands, relatives, etc. Once, I befriended the bachelor next door and recruited him to help me paint while my husband was at work. My husband came home and saw that I had another man helping me. When he would complain about doing chores I would just say "Don't worry about it, Jason said that he would help me anytime, I will call him tomorrow.

Sincerely,
A. Rupert

Try leaving your husband with your son for the day. It will not permenatly solve the problem but I have learned that if you let him see what it is really like to tend to the kid all day, he will see you need help. This worked with my husband, by sheer accident he was forced to stay home with the two we have while I went to school and he almost lost his mind! Sometimes they need to see first hand what a sahm goes through to realize that you need help.

My husband is the same way. I am a stay at home mom and he never helps me with the kids. during dinner i am always having to raise my voice about the sitting in the chair thing and he just keeps on eating never bothering to help me. i know he works full time but a little help now and then would be nice. you just need to sit your husband down and let him know that this is his child as well and he needs to share responsibilities. or do what i do leave the child with him and go to the grocery store by yourself where he has to watch the child. works wonders with my husband, cause when i come home i always get the same response, "honey i dont know how you do it all day long by yourself." even if its just a drive around the block. let him get a taste of what its like to have to be the only one taking care of them.